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Nicholeen Peck

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Family Night Ideas: Our Top Ten Affordable Activities

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10 Favorites for Family Night

Family activity nights are big deals at our house! Not that we spend a lot of money or anything, but we do keep them a big priority. We know that having regular family activities keeps our family relationships fresh. The night gives us something to talk about and look forward to.

Here are is a list of our top ten activities which don’t really cost anything:

1- “Knock Your Socks Off”

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Praise is Gratitude

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Occasionally parents will ask me if I think a parent can praise too much. The philosophy that too much praise is bad comes from articles published suggesting that if a person gets praised all the time when they are children that they will feel like they need praise for everything when they are adults. This may or may not be true for insincere, general, or made up praise. I have not really studied this side of the praise argument much. However, the other side of the praise argument is worth discussing.

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mother_teen_arguing

“My Child Won’t Listen to Me”

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I have a daughter who frequently rages and manipulates. She is out of control almost as often as she is in control. When I talk to her about her behaviors she doesn’t listen. She looks away and tries to manipulate our emotions. We tell her that her behaviors are bad and that she needs to be better so that our lives aren’t so full of negative feelings, but she just doesn’t get it. What are we doing wrong?

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Peck Family Sings: What Is A Family?

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Since our whole family enjoys singing we have wanted a family song for a while. Well, finally we did it. Our great friend and mentor, Lawrence Gee put music to some words about family that I wrote out. Lawrence knows our family well, and understands the principles of self-government too, so he crafted a song that was just perfect for us to sing. This song is our Christmas present to your family. We hope you have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


Feel free to share this with other people too. It is meant to inspire parents and children to live as a more united family. Sending you all our love! ~The Peck Family


[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw7DoeqjDrA]

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Teaching Children Respect: 2 Videos of Disagreeing Appropriately

2 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills /

These videosof two cute children were sent to me by another amazing parent who has taught her children to love practicing good behaviors. The more children practice the right way, the more the right way will happen when it isn’t practice time. The second video is of a girl who used to have major tantrums all the time.


Smart Five Year Old! And, cute Tiger!!!


[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcOjbEiRiOU]

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Video: Two Year Old, Sam, Teaches The Four Basic Skills

4 Comments / All, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

Read about this amazing video on the next page! [video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEV-1UcyooQ&feature=player_embedded] Last week I asked for you to send me copies of some of the things you have done to implement Self-Government into your homes. The things I recieved were amazing! I can't wait until they are all available to you. In the mean time, take

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video game boy

Video Games Addiction: They Are Asking for Help

3 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“How do you parent a child who is red/yellow when you are a white/blue? My son and I are so entirely different and he’s so impulsive (almost destructive) that it completely shakes my world. I often find him sneaking downstairs and turning on the Wii (which we only permit on Friday and Saturday as a privilege).

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China flag puzzle

I Need Your Help!

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As many of you may know I am a woman with a mission. Quite simply, the mission is to assist in healing homes in preparation for difficult and exciting times to come. If the families of the world follow correct principles and live lives of love, selflessness, self-control, and good communication, then they will be ready to weather the storms of life in these days and to be ready for the exciting times ahead. I have a message to share with the world which will bring peace to homes and souls. We all have a purpose and we must fit ourselves to it.

I Need Your Help! Read More »

angry little boy

Lying, Stealing, and Negative Attention Seeking

2 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills /


10 Years Old And Needs Calmness



“I love your book. In many ways, your book has helped our family. I am faced with a situation that I don’t know what to do about….My son is 10 years old and we have had him since he was a couple of days old. From a very young age he was incredibly difficult to deal with. He constantly seeks our attention. He steals, lies, destroys property, etc. We have alarms on all food and expensive items. He loses 24 hours of privileges at least once a week, often more than that. We were excited one week when he made it 5 days in a row without losing 24 hours. I have really given several parenting books/programs extremely good efforts to no avail. BCLC was the first time we saw hope but I found that he really needed consequences. We’ve been doing your program for a bit and while we are seeing some things really change, others are not changing. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times we do the same thing over and over, he still thinks a different outcome will happen.”


Trust In The Process

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Child Hitting

Practicing The Right Way: Cause And Effect Parenting For Toddlers Who Hit And Others

1 Comment / All, Toddlers (0-4), TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

Cause and effect is learned more effectively when the consequences, positive and negative, are practiced first. The example below is geared toward a parent with a toddler, but the principles can be applied to all ages and situations which need to be practiced and understood more.

“My two year old daughter likes to hit. She hits me, she hits my husband and she even hit’s the baby. No matter what I do nothing seems to work. Reasoning doesn’t really work with a two year old, so I am at a loss for what to do about this. I know I need to do something.”

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mother reading to child

Parenting Three Year Olds: They Really Understand

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Many people ask me when they should start teaching their children self government skills.  It is never too early to start talking in a deliberate, describing way or to teach the word “okay.”  Even the words “disagree appropriately” can be understood by most youngsters. My little almost 3 year old just asked if she could

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Teenage Attitude Problems

Leave a Comment / All, Relationships, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /
This last week my twelve year old daughter had an attitude problem a number of times in one day. This is very unusual for her and definitely had me analyzing her and the day. She earned negative consequences many times and we had talks about the situations and practiced how she could have handled them better. I really focused on seeking to understand. At one point, after she was calmed down I initiated a conversation to discuss her possible need for more sleep. During this conversation she said, “I just feel like no one really understands. I bet you hav

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Straight Talk About Sex: Children And Sex

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I am pretty sure that just putting the word sex in the title of a blog post will make my blog not show up on a lot of your computers.  If so, that is good.  That means you have a good filter and are trying to keep the children protected from the conspirators in our world who want to enslave us all by destroying all the virtuous thoughts we normally have regarding the opposite gender and the act of marriage. 

Recently I was asked:

Dear Nicholeen,
     I am so impressed by the beautiful work you do as a mother and as an incredible example to families all over the world.  Thank you for the work you do!  I know you’re probably crazy busy, but I would really love to learn more about how you present sex education to your children.  I just read a crazy disturbing article about what’s being taught in schools, and I want to be sure our children are taught about abstinence and the spiritual significance of the sex ordinance within marriage and the sacred nature of heterosexuality and well as the scientific aspects.  It’s wild what teachers think is appropriate to teach Kindergartners and I’m doing research to make sure we’re hitting the right mark.  If you could share your thoughts or send me to a link where you may have already addressed this, that would be awesome.  Thanks to you and your sweet family!

You ask a great question.  The topic of sexuality is a must for parents living in these times.  My views are

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Real Control! -Help For Parents

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So many people ask me how to control their out of control children… A man I really admire named Jeffrey Holland said, “…the only real control in life is self control.” I couldn’t agree more. You can control the settings on your computer, and control the television choices that come into your home. You can control all the things on your Family Standard and you can control what your family eats for dinner, but you can’t control another person. No matter how hard you try and how much power you try to look like you have, the only person you can control is yourself. Since that is the case, we should capitalize on that power we have to control ourselves, or govern ourselves. If we

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How Do I Nurse A Baby And Handle The Rest Of The Children Too?

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If you have ever had a baby, you know how hard feeding time can be.

I just had my 3rd baby and my oldest is turning 3 in a week and a half. This means that nursing the baby has become one of the most stressful times for me. I’ve been wondering to myself how I will ever stay sane if I can’t properly deal with the issues of the older 2 every time I nurse.
I love your idea of reading to the older kids while nursing the baby. I’ll try that one next time Zeke needs to eat. :)
Thanks for sharing this great advice.

I remember those years nursing and having toddlers. Those are hard times!!! There just aren’t enough arms and your thoughts get all jumbled up because of the noise and stress of it all. Obviously you should try to keep as calm as you can for the milk to be good and calming for the baby. I also know that is easier said than done.

How Do I Nurse A Baby And Handle The Rest Of The Children Too? Read More »

Too Much Play Time?-Solving the Boredom Problem

12 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Home Culture, Relationships, Youth (10-18) /

My two youngest children are best friends, and play a lot with each other.  It is so fun to see them enjoy each other.  This summer we have noticed that they are getting a bit too much play lately though. The sun comes up and someone is at our door asking to play.  The children do their chores and run outside.  They would stay there day after day, all day, if I didn’t ever call them in. 

The other day my husband and I noticed some very distracted behaviors.  My six year old was showing off a lot and acting a lot more “crazy” than usual.  He was also trying to be the “funny guy” by popping off. We looked at each other and both knew something needed to change

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Teaching Honesty: What About Gray Area?

1 Comment / All, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“Just wondering what you do when a child denies doing something like this even though you know it was them or else they try to deceive you about it even though they know that no punishment will be given out for their mistake or wrongdoing if they are honest about it. How do you confront them and have them face up to their failures and take responsibility for their actions? My ds10 will get defensive whenever he does something wrong or makes a mistake he then will usually compound this by trying to lie or deceive his way out of it to save face. We end up punishing him for the lying and deceit when really it should have be a non issue if he had just been honest.””Any suggestions?”

There are three steps to handling this situation.

Step one; Make sure you are not accusing, but that you look and feel safe to talk to. 

Step two: Pre-teach the situation before you say anything………….”Right now _________ just happened. I am going to ask you about your actions. If you choose to be honest about your actions you will not earn any negative consequences. (or you could have a positive consequence in place for being honest) However, if you are not honest then you will choose to earn

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Family TV Watching: Parenting Tip

4 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Home Culture, Relationships, Youth (10-18) /

watching-television1“I came across your ideas on the LDSEHE website, and have been so inspired by all of it.  I’m starting to read your book, hoping to fill in a few holes.  I really like your idea for Friday family movie nights as your one source of TV.  How do you make selections for that night?  Do you have a list of movies you would recommend?”

You are right.  We have a family TV watching policy to help our family not get bound by television.  Our policy is that we don’t watch TV unless it is a movie on Friday family movie night.

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Brave Parenting: Being Too Soft

Leave a Comment / All, Children (4-10), Relationships, Toddlers (0-4) /

Can parents actually be too soft?  Isn’t love and affection always the answer?  If a parent isn’t being soft aren’t they being angry?  I often have parents ask me about children who are really emotional.  They say things like, “…she is really sensitive.”  or “…he has a tender heart.”  I know there are different personalities

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Negative Consequence Rutt: Parenting Tips

4 Comments / All, Children (4-10), School, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“My two oldest boys, ages 8 and 7 are really giving me a run………..I know that if I stay strong, it will all pay off.
We have a family mission statement, we have a job jar, we have been roll playing. They know what our “standards” are.
My 7 year old has had discipline “issues” for 1 and 1/2 weeks consistently every morning during “school time”. He gets so frustrated with me when I calmly let him know that he earned another “consequence” I make sure and tell him that I love him and I wish that he could join us for privileged free time. He assures me that he will try harder but the same things keep happening over and over. He is 7 and very wiggly and dreamy, and distracted. He even has been swearing which is NOT our family standard! I try to explain to him that if he has good control over his body and mouth during school time, he will earn privileges, but he just doesn’t learn…………Any tips?”

It sounds like you are doing pretty well at creating an environment for self-government in your home.

I hope your son is doing better now. If not read pages 66-69 in my book Parenting A House United. I am guessing you have it. This section goes over motivation for children who get themselves in a rutt.

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Depressed Teenager: Hope For Happiness

3 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

I have attended your classes at home school conferences and bought the mp3;s.  I am currently purchasing your book, however, I am in crisis.  I have a 17 rd old son that has  been homeschooled since fourth grade.  We originally took him out due to severe depression.  This is something he struggles with.  He has always done well in school.  He went to the public high school for his freshman year.  He was top of the class academically but he hated every minute of it and we allowed him to come back to home school for the past two years.  

About six months ago I could see that he was clinically depressed and we found a counselor to help us through that.  It turns out he was introduced to pornography at school and became addicted and the guilt has caused him to lose about a year of his life.  We are dealing with this issue and he is doing very well and continues to receive counseling with us.  

The crisis is that he cant make a decision about anything in his life and he seems to have no self control.  He wants us to tell him every little thing to do and takes no responsibility.  He takes 8 hours to do simple science due to the fact that if I walk out of his earshot he will immediately waste time doing anything else.  It is so frustrating that we have to literally babysit him and that he needs us to.  I am at my wits end with him and feel like throwing in the towel and sending him to boarding school.  Of course, my rational mind knows that I must clean up this mess with him and no one else.  
Can you please give me some direction on how to get this kid to take back his life and not put us in  the position of jailers.

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Family Meetings :Parenting Tips

Leave a Comment / All, Youth (10-18) /

Sometimes I get some stories sent to me which simply must be shared.  I would love to share one with you today.  This is a great family meeting success story which had me sweating for a few seconds:

We even had an emergency family council the
other day.  The kids didn’t really believe me that I was waiting for them to
come up with a solution.  I told them that I was pretty sure that the
situation wasn’t going to change because I was the one paying the price.  So
after I realized my mistake, I called the council to change that.  Finally
one of the kids said, “Well, ten lashes then.”  I asked for other
suggestions and there weren’t any

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Calm In A Hurry?

8 Comments / All, Relationships /

The opposite of calm is hurry. If you feel like you have to hurry all the time, then you will never be calm. Also, if you feel like you have to hurry through your teaching interactions with your children then you will also have a harder time staying calm. Don’t let your desire for being efficient ruin your ability to be calm. The great philosopher William Jordan said:

The first sermon in the world was preached at the Creation. It was a Divine protest against Hurry. It was a Divine object lesson of perfect law, perfect plan, perfect order, perfect method. Six days of work carefully planned, scheduled and completed were followed by,–rest.

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“Mom is on the phone” ~Discipline Problem

4 Comments / All, Home Culture, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

 

“I do struggle and maybe you could give me some advice.  I spend quite a bit of time with my kids in the morning going over little activities like school workbooks and story time and exercising together.  Yet the minute I get on the phone or sit down to nurse the baby, the three boys are arguing or fighting or taking toys from each other or something of the sort.  I have tried to get them to color or do a certain activity together, but that only lasts so long.  It’s hard to discipline when you are nursing the baby.
 
        I know I have a bit of post-pardom and always feel like I am always nursing the baby or disciplining my children.  I have felt discouraged with my 3 boys behavior and realize some of their actions comes from mom spending so much time with the new little one.  Do you have any tips or suggestions for me on how to best help teach my boys and solve the problems.”

 

 

J You hit a common discipline problem right on the head.  I would like to meet a mother who can have a 30 minute phone conversation and not have things fall apart a little bit.  My one hopeful thought to you is that as they grow, they learn to live without you for 30 minutes, or more.  😉

Nursing a baby is also a hard one.  I have been there too. 

“Mom is on the phone” ~Discipline Problem Read More »

KJZZ Morning Show This Friday

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If you are up to watching television this Friday, May 14,  from 9-10 in the morning, Spencer and I will be appearing on channel 14 in Utah and surrounding areas.  The call station is KJZZ 14.  We will be featured in two segments on parenting.  This month we are talking about teaching our children how to accept no answers. 

Tell your friends about the show.  Maybe they will want to see who I am and benefit from our time in the telelvision station.

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Mother’s Day Miracle: My Story

10 Comments / All, Relationships /

When I was about thirteen years old I was perfectly molded in the opinions of the current society. I had my life all planned out, and was sure that my plans were socially pleasing to all of my friends. I was also sure that my plans would ensure that I wouldn’t turn out like my mother, who at the time was a person I didn’t really care about pleasing that much. You got it, I was a run of the mill, know it all and going to do it better than my parents, teenager. The only problem was, I didn’t really know what better meant because I was only seeing the popular social perspective.

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The Dreaded Attitude Problem

8 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

As I go around the country teaching parenting seminars and trying to help parents make healthy changes in their family relationships, I notice there are two things which get asked the most.

1.  What do you do for attitude problems?

2.  How do you stop tantrums? 

      I an not going to expound on tantrums today, but I will say that attitude problems are just tantrums at a different level.  The difference between the two are that tantrums usually happen when a person is small and they often include uncontrolled body movements and crying, and attitude problems are usually mostly verbal with abrasive body language.  Attitude problems are usually more controlled than tantrums.  Both tantrums and attitude problems are signs of frustration, anxiety and lack of healthy communication skills.

     I am pretty confident talking about attitude problems, because I was the attitude problem queen of my house when I was in my teen years.  I think my poor parents earned all their gray hairs during my attitude problem years.  Luckily, I had a very insightful young women’s leader who saw my problem and wasn’t afraid to tell me how to change.  

Great Advice

     One day I was at her home telling her daughter that my parents wouldn’t let me go to a youth party because they

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Order at Home

4 Comments / All, Home Culture, TSG Principles /

One of my passions is astronomy. When I go out in my backyard and look through my telescope at my friends, the planets and stars, I feel so close to God. Not because heaven is in space, but because it is so obvious there is organization in all things. He is a God of order; with everything in it’s perfect place. Everything has a purpose; a mission. Since He is order in all we see it only makes sense that people should live by order too.

Just like laws and principles govern the skies and the earth, there are laws meant to govern us as well. That is why we have chosen to apply governing rules to our home too. We feel like there is no better example of how to run a home than the way God runs our world; the current home for His family.

Our family has a set structure. We have certain meetings each week to strengthen the family relationships and keep the home in order. The meetings we have are

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School Problems ~When The Classroom Comes Home

3 Comments / All, Home Culture, Relationships, School, TSG Principles /

“I have a 5 year old son that is in kindergarten.  He loves school because of all his friends there…  Unfortunately with school I see him still coming home with some bad habits that we must work to break.  I think his teacher is great but with all the kids in the class she can’t be expected to enforce/reward self-government principles.  My concern is that he is getting confused with discipline at home and less discipline at school.  How do you address this issue with your kids?”

It is hard to have a child come home from school with behaviors you need to break all the time.

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Unruly Child

2 Comments / All, Relationships, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

“My question, as it relates to the above entries and to my four year old is what to do when he will not stay in time-out (on our washer)? He will not stay there. He runs after me, screaming. I put him back – try hard to do it calmly and sometimes I have tried to keep him there using my hands to keep his legs on the washer, but then I feel like I am forcing him and it all goes down hill from there.”

I wrote an answer to a similar question over a year ago. It is called “Tantrums, Time-out and Tired Moms.” The article should answer most of your questions. It is alright to do a soft hold with a child to help him learn to want to stay on time-out himself to calm down, but you are right about it being a sort of “force.”

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Life Advice With Self-Government Principles: Teaching Self-Government to Anyone, Not Just Children

2 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

My friend Jason Alba sent me this link to a great article about inspiring self-government in people in your community or sphere of influence. 

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/51538 

“…I hope you will discipline yourselves and your fellow students. This request is in keeping with my commitment to self-government for students. It should not be up to me to enforce proper behavior that signifies the intelligence of Duke students. You should do it. Reprove those who make us all look bad. Shape up your own language…”  -Duke President Terry Sanford

The whole thing is really worth reading.  I hope you take the chance. 

Coach Sanford did some great things here.  He

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Parenting Questions: What to do when they think they are the parent

4 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Home Culture, Relationships, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

Question:

“The biggest struggle we have with my son is that he wants to be the parent – he wants to be in control, not necessarily of my husband and I, but of the rest of the kids (he’s #2 of 5).  For instance, this morning he made himself a “dessert sandwich” (he just made this up, bread with butter and cinnamon on it) before breakfast, but got mad and yelled at our 2 year old for getting into the fridge to get an apple while he still had the sandwich in his hand.  Even me standing there saying “It’s okay, she can have the apple” didn’t calm things right away.  ALL THE TIME he gets after his siblings for things he sees as wrong, but he himself can do no wrong, even if he’s doing the same things they are.”

About Parents

I love how at the beginning of this question you say that your son thinks he’s the parent and then at the end you say that he can do no wrong even though he is doing the same thing.  These two statements together in the same paragraph make me smile because that is just what most parents really do.   They get after the children for doing what they, the parents, are doing all the time too.  These parents for some reason feel like if they don’t have to look at their short comings in their children then the short comings aren’t really there and don’t need to be addressed. 

I will never forget

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Toddlers with Tantrums

4 Comments / All, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

“Where am I going wrong?!?!?!?! I had started to think that things were on the up, but lately it seems as though my daughter’s behaviour has taken a nosedive. I think she’s just asserting herself but I find it hard to stay calm when she does. She ignores me very often or when she does respond to something, it’s usually with a “no” or “I don’t want to!”.

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Problem Solving with Children ~SODAS

Leave a Comment / All, Using TSG Skills /

Here is a link to a great idea on how to teach SODAS, or problem solving exercises.  Have a SODA party.  Alison, aka mommymita blogger, posted a great idea with pictures of how she and her children used SODAS today.  Thanks for the success story and the fun idea with photos! 

Here is the link:  http://mommymita.blogspot.com/2010/03/soda-party.html 

It’s never too early to teach your children to look at all sides of a situation and recognize there are always multiple disadvantages and advantages to any decision you make. 

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Television clips from today ~Parenting Tips

Leave a Comment / All, Children (4-10), TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

Today we had a great day with Debbie and Ron on The KJZZ morning show hosted by KUTV2 news station.  Below are the links to the two segments we appeared in.  Today’s topic was consequences and how to choose them. 

Segment one: http://connect2utah.com/content/fulltext/?cid=79502

Segment Two: http://connect2utah.com/media_player.php?media_id=119902

Television clips from today ~Parenting Tips Read More »

Nicholeen and Spencer Peck on TV

Leave a Comment / All, Announcements /

This Friday, March 12,  Spencer and I will be featured to appear again for two segments on the KJZZ morning show.  This show airs in Utah on channel 14 from 9 – 10 in the morning.  This Friday’s topic is going to be using consequences appropriately.

They have asked us to appear each month for two segments on parenting.  At this point we have been told we will always appear on the second Fridays of the month.  If you have friends who could be helped from the things we teach you may want to refer them to the show.  It is our hope that many families will benefit from the principles we know as

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Families Working Together ~Mission Oriented Families

2 Comments / All, Home Culture, TSG Principles /

On the first CD of my Teaching Self Government Audio Seminar I speak about teaching your family about having a mission as a family group. The mission is what you will do to reach your family’s vision for the future. An important part of teaching your children about working toward a vision and living for a mission is teaching them about philanthropy, or service. Service is also an integral part of building strong character. We all know giving our children service opportunities helps them become more selfless, which aids in family unity. However, serving as a family also gives your children practice in living a mission for a vision. This practice will help them find success in projects their entire lives. As a family, we are always looking for a way to serve others. In fact,

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Changing Perspective…You Can Do It.

Leave a Comment / All, Home Culture, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

Nicholeen,

I’ve got “bubblegum pink” paint all over the carpet (and some furniture) right now that should NOT be there, and I have yelled and got angry at 3 of the 9 kids one who is under 24 hr priviledge loss but didn’t have anything to do with it, and I came in to my computer to take a breather and look what I found in my inbox! I was already feeling bad, and your article is the big dose of truth I need, but how do you turn it around when you’ve really blown it? Do I just bounce in with my new perspective, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Did this happen to you in the beginning? Thanks and God bless with your health issues.

OH………………..That is frustrating for sure.  I feel your pain, and your frustration.  I have to say, I have never had that one happen before.  But, I have had my share of paint spills, gum on the carpet, bubble spills, and marker on the walls.  Some children are just naturally more curious than others aren’t they?  My children have never been too curious, but they have had friends over the years who have been and have started creative play in motion. 

To answer you question,

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Parenting Discipline ~Another Perspective

4 Comments / All, Home Culture, Relationships, TSG Principles /

One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days where you go, go, go?  On these days there are lots of places to get to, you are always running late and your children seem to be grumpy, whiny, and aggressive.  You don’t know if you’ll ever master getting out the door with a smile on your face and everyone in a good mood. 

At the ends of days like these we plop on the couch grateful that there is finally quiet in the house and still some chocolate ice cream in the freezer.  We hope the children will give us at least two hours of good sleep and that we might be able to actually check something off or our to-do list before we get to ‘turn in.’  These are the days we can’t wait to finish. 

I have felt those days too. 

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Obedience — Inspiring a Change in Behavior

Leave a Comment / All, Children (4-10), Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

Another idea might be having a family meeting, I teach about those too, and discuss a POSITIVE motivational system for the family if everyone follows instructions the first time asked for a few days.  I have a great idea in my book about Rachel’s Bean Magic.  That motivational system my do really well for this because it shows that each good thing has a positive consequence, not just focusing on the bad.

Also, work with your children regularly too.  Teach them the jobs by example.  Sometimes we expect things to be done perfectly when we haven’t really taught them how to do the jobs properly

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Changing Parenting Styles ~The Honeymoon

5 Comments / All, Home Culture, Using TSG Skills /

…We just started this approach to parenting a few weeks ago, and while the first couple of weeks went well because the kids all loved the praise and even the novelty of picking jobs out of a jar, we’ve hit this bump where most are dawdling, and adding another chore that just doesn’t get done doesn’t seem effective so we’ve started losing privileges for unfinished work. Granted, they are ages 8 and under, and perhaps I need to keep teaching the jobs rather than assume they know since I taught them once or twice. Thanks so much for sharing, both of you! I’m learning so much!

Keep up the good work!  You went through your honeymoon stage and now you have hit the part where the children are hoping you will lose your consistency.  They are testing to see if you are really going to stick to your new family government system.  Keep talking about your vision and Stay consistent. 

I have found that dawdling only continues to be a problem if the parents

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Back Talking vs. Appropriate Disagreements & The Rule of Three

7 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Using TSG Skills /

Hey, I have read your book and have been trying to implement the system, however I have a few questions.  My oldest son is 11, he has trouble controlling his emotions and talking back.  Here is an example of a typical situation; I ask him to do something he makes a face and might say a smart remark but he will look me in the eye after I remind him and will say ok sarcastically then he will go do the chore.

He follows the steps the right way about 50% of the time. Today he was out of instructional control and me telling him that if he chose not to follow my instructions that the was going to chose to earn another chore didn’t work.  He just sat there, so I left the room for a few minutes and when I came back he was ready to follow instructions. However he was only ready after I told him that he was going to lose all his privileges. My question is how long should he lose his privileges? He was calm, he just didn’t want to follow my instructions when I asked the first time. 

He also talks back too much or tries to argue.

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Happy Children Choose to be Happy

7 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

Nicholeen: we’re doing our best to implement a system of family government following your plan.  I have the 6 cd set and I’ve listened to them twice, and I’m reading the book as well…

…What do you do about a child who chooses to be out of instructional control forever?  Just give him his 3 square meals a day, food, clothing, medical care, education, and otherwise let him be?  I decided to further restrict his privileges by only letting him take one bath a day for 30 minutes maximum.  (He likes to take about 6 to 8 baths a day usually.)  I also will fill up his waking time with chores and SODAS, but if he refuses to do them as he is now, do I just wait him out?  Keep asking him every 15 minutes if he’s ready to accept consequences yet?  What?

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Grandparents Parenting ~ And Principles for Good Communication With Anyone or Any Group

2 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“Grandparents need the lessons taught by Nicholeen. I have 43 grandchildren. As I took care of 5 of them just recently, using the “Family Council” as a way of solving problems (as taught by Nicholeen) was so helpful to me in working with the grandchildren. Thanks, Nicholeen!”

I loved this comment because it shows that the Teaching Self-Government communication principles can be used in all circumstances with any family members or friends.  I also find these principles helpful in group settings like teaching church classes or advising scouts or clubs. 

Principles to keep in mind in all settings:

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Parenting Adult Children ~Narcissism Personality Disorder

10 Comments / All, Relationships, Using TSG Skills /

Nicholeen,

Do you have any hope (techniques we can use) forNarcissistto change? I am dealing with a 50 year old son who we have diagnosed (finally) and he is wearing us out emotionally and financially.
Thank you so much,

When I think about this situation I can’t help but ponder on the word “control.”He wants control of his life and is going about it all wrong…………you want to have more control, or influence, over him and he is not a child anymore, despite how he is acting, so you can’t have it by taking it. There is a principle I believe in…………..No one is able to really control anyone but herself.

However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t still have influence on your son. It just means that it is much more

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Questions…….

Leave a Comment / All, Announcements /

I just want all of you who have asked me questions lately to know that I have been swamped with questions.  I have a very long list at this point.  I am still working away at them, but only have so much time each day to devote to question and answer, so some will probably go un-answered for a while before I can get to them.  I am so sorry for this but just thought I would let all of you know that I wish I could do it better faster and am currently contemplating a way I might be able to do that for you. 

Thanks for your patience.  I will get you your answers as soon as I am able. 

Nichole

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Parenting Toddlers and Parenting Teenagers ~Family Government in Action

1 Comment / All, Relationships, Toddlers (0-4), TSG Principles, Youth (10-18) /

Parenting Toddlers ~ Small Successes

Nicholeen,

I’ve been working with my son Jack for the last six months to appropriately accept correction. He’s 21 months old. He’ll do something inappropriate, I’ll tell him the right thing to do and then say, “You say, ‘OK, mom.'” I’ve been wondering, over the course of the months, if my efforts were in vain. Was he too young? Would he ever get it?

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Disobedient Children -They don’t want to help out – No Answers

3 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

Q:        “My Older children like to use the “disagreeing Appropriately” in what I consider to be inappropriate ways. For instance if I give an instruction that they simply don’t feel like doing, they disagree appropriately. I find that I want to say “no, you can’t disagree appropriately” because, I don’t feel it is appropriate to disagree to help. Yet, if I don’t allow them to disagree, then I get considerably more arguing and whining. And if I allow it, but don’t let them out of the request, I worry that I am never rewarding them for disagreeing appropriately. Any suggestions on how to overcome this? On a positive note, my 5 year old is using this a lot better, and it has cut down on his whining considerably.”

A:

 

The fact that your children like to use disagreeing appropriately shows they have learned that calmly discussing works better than having an attitude problem or other alternative.  It could also mean your children think they have found a

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time out

Tips For Using Time-out With Toddlers

9 Comments / All, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

“My 2yo has started crying a LOT the past few days. Over every little thing. Nothing is different physically or environmentally that I can tell. He already has his 2yo molars, too.. He’s just been crying about everything that he doesn’t like, with some pretty good tantrums thrown in the mix of the average crying. I tried holding him in timeout (he’s never stayed in time out on his own so far), but he screamed and threw a serious tantrum the whole time.. which wouldn’t be a problem for me except that I have to take care of the other kids, too! I tried holding him in our time-out spot until he was done with the tantrum so I could praise him for being happy, etc., but after 40 minutes of continuous screaming, my baby was also crying, needing to be fed, and the other young kids had destroyed the basement. At that point I just took him to his bed to finish his crying fit. So I’m thinking the holding in time out option might not work for us. Yesterday and today I’ve started just taking him to his room when he starts having a breaking down crying fit. What would you suggest? Do you think I should just take him to his room every time he cries? Or should I try

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Stopping the Name Calling, and Crass Words

6 Comments / All, Home Culture, Relationships, TSG Principles /

“I was wondering….what do you do about name calling, or when children say bad words? My children say crap, stupid, dumb, etc… No matter how many times I tell them to stop, they don’t. So would you have them do a chore everytime they named called, or said a bad word? or Would you do something different?”

Name calling is obviously not appropriate because it destroys the feeling in the home and encourages contention and selfishness.  There are a couple of ways I handle this sort of thing. 

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Are You In Crisis?

7 Comments / All, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

The first page of Parenting A House United says:

“Is your home in crisis? Do your children never do what they are told? Do you find yourself completely overwhelmed and hating to interact with your children? Do your children treat you with disrespect and cause contention at home? Are you out of control of your emotions as a parent too? If any of these descriptions sound like your house, then you might be in crisis and you will definitely benefit from reading this book. It is written for you. This book is also written for people who don’t want to ever have a home like I have described above and for parents who want to have an effectively communicating family right from the very beginning of parenthood.”

If you consider yourself or your family in a crisis situation where you need a few quick tools to start changing things immediately at home then this post is for you. Thousands of people have bought the book at this point and some need to start implementing things before they have even read the whole book. Below are a few key chapters to read immediately to start making some useful changes before diving in and reading the whole book.

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Consequences

1 Comment / All, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

My problem is that I never can think of appropriate consequences when my kids misbehave. Do you have any suggestions? I have five children ages 9-18. Thanks, Amy

Consequences can be difficult to think up, but the trick is to only do it one time.  A parent who has to reinvent the consequence every time a lesson needs to be taught will come across as uncertain and flustered.  Have a plan.  Parents who have a plan are more secure to be around and will be more respected by their children. 

     My rules for consequences are these:

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BBC’s Hannah Teaches Parents a Great Lesson

3 Comments / All, Relationships /

My sister, Janelle, who was featured on the BBC World’s Strictest Parents spoke with me recently about her one regret about the show.  If you have seen the show, you will remember we took our British guests to a homeschool youth event.  Janelle was in charge of creating an event which would push the youth, physically, and emotionally.  It was a team race with many different challenges.  During the event, the youth were required to get their whole team over a 6 foot high wire loaded with bells, have each person eat a jar of baby food beans, fill a tube with water that was loaded with holes, feed each other blind folded, and get their whole team completely off the ground for 30 seconds using a rope and three poles. 

     The youth were inspiring to watch.  James had a hard time with the course because the challenges were very emotionally strenuous.  The program showed some of this.  Hannah was very different to watch though.

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Runaway Two Year Old

5 Comments / All, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

Q: “With my 2 and half yr old. She frequently will run away from me when I call her, wanting to turn it into a game of chase. Sometimes this is at a store or getting into the car, sometimes it is when she needs a diaper change etc.  I have tried to do roll playing games with her to help praise her for coming or following instructions. She loves this game, but won’t always do it in real life. I am not sure the best way to help her want to obey or what should be the consequence for failing to follow an instruction at age 2. I feel like I am doing too much reasoning with her, which I feel is really not the most effective thing with a 2 year old, but I am not sure what else to do so she starts to understand the consequences of her actions. I have lately been feeling very frustrated and out of control with her. I hate feeling that way and I could really use some ideas.”

A: 

Pre-teaching her to come when called before it is ever time is a great thing to do to prepare her to repeat the behavior at the right time.  Great Job!  Keep doing that. 

 

As well as pre-teaching, is sounds like you need to establish a consequence system just for her.  You can

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galaxy

Order at Home

Leave a Comment / All, Children (4-10), Home Culture, Toddlers (0-4), TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

One of my passions is astronomy.  When I go out in my backyard and look through my telescope at my friends, the planets and stars, I feel so close to God.  Not because heaven is in space, but because it is so obvious there is organization in all things.  He is a God of order; with everything in it’s perfect place.  Everything has a purpose; a mission.  Since He is order in all we see it only makes sense that people should live by order too.  

Just like laws and principles govern the skies and the earth, there are laws meant to govern us as well.  That is why we have chosen to apply governing rules to our home too.  We feel like there is no better example of how to run a home than the way God runs our world; the current home for His family. 

Our family has a set structure.  We have certain meetings each week to strengthen the family relationships and keep the home in order.  The meetings we have are

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Making Toddler Store Time Happy

5 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills /
Mommy’s “Said Okay” Song 
 
   Have you ever been in the store and heard a small child ask their parent for a candy bar, or a toy?  Most resonable parents don’t go around buying everything their child asks for, so the parent usually says, “No, not today.”  For many children an answer like this causes crying, whinning, pouting, yelling and many other childhood outbursts. 
    My kind of parenting is called, Teaching Self-Government.  We focus on teaching our children how to control their emotional responses so that they can be more happy.  No one is happ

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From Spencer

2 Comments / All, Relationships /

This is Spencer, the father in the show. Thank you so much for your comments about the show and our family. As portrayed in the show, we love to spend as much time with our children as possible. I have realized that someday that my children will be come as I am and that’s a sobering thought. It helps me to change things about me that I may not like. Doing this show has been an incredible journey for us and hopefully

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Londyn, Age 7, Tells About the BBC World’s Strictest Parents

2 Comments / All, TSG Principles /

     My name is Londyn and I am seven.  Hannah and James changed a lot by the end of the week they stayed with us.  And when they went home they made good changes.  Like James took his lip piercing out and he wants to stop smoking. 

     It was sort of sad that Hannah was a mom so young.  I wouldn’t do that if I was her.  But she was always

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Advice From the World’s Strictest Parent

Leave a Comment / All, Home Culture, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“Hi Nicholeen, I hope you don’t mind me messaging you/adding you as a friend….I saw you recently on tv here in England, and as a mother of two I was so impressed and humbled by your patience and love. Nothing seemed to get you down. The love and respect your family have for each other was so apparent, and it did bring tears to my eyes. I would love to have that same patience, tolerance and sheer joy in my life that you do. I’d love to hear back from you, if you have the time, and if possible try and send me some of your calm and patience through the web!!”

 

     Thank you so much for your kind words. What age are your children? It is so good that you are trying to be the best mother you can be. There really is nothing more important for our world right now than parents raising good children who will fight for goodness in this confusing world. This is what I am doing at my house.

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Porter Peck Talks about James and Hannah

Leave a Comment / All, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

I transcribed this rememberance of our BBC “World’s Strictest Parents” experience straight from the mouth of my five year old son Porter…..The grammar is unedited on purpose.  This is how he speaks.  🙂

My name is Porter and I am five 5.  James and Hannah came to stay with us and they were nice to me.  I remember that they liked to swing on our swings.  When they left our house I cried a lot because I was sad that they were going.  They were having attitudes a lot of the time and they wanted to

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Nicholeen Tells more about World’s Strictest Parents

7 Comments / All, Relationships, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

“Dear Nicholeen: I watched the show and was so impressed by your calm and collected attitude. I loved it when your son said, “she’s trying to push my mom’s buttons, but it won’t work.” One of my biggest problems is I allow kids to push my buttons and engage me in non-productive discourse (getting off track of what we’re talking about). These get me so frustrated. I don’t know how you did it with James and Hannah. I admire your patience, love and skills.

Can you tell us any more about some of the experiences that happened that weren’t included in the final edit. I’m curious to learn more about it.”

This is a great comment.  Let me fill you in a bit on the whole situation my sweet, big talking 12 year old, was commenting on:

     James and Hannah were very used to running away if they didn’t get their way.  The reason people continue running is because it is a form of power struggle that usually works.  It stops

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Comment on World’s Strictest Parents

10 Comments / All, TSG Principles /

A comment on a previous post said:

Saw the show last night. And I felt credit where it’s due … I had to cringe at the behaviour of the two kids (because that’s what they were). And speaking as someone who isn’t religious, or abstemious (but who doesn’t over indulge beyond a glass of wine with a meal), I can only say I was very impressed by your patience, and the outcome …

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BBC three “The World’s Strictest Parents”

Leave a Comment / All, Announcements /

The whole show is finally up for everyone to see.  It was editing nicely.  I really appreciate how truthful the BBC was in their interpretation of our lives and how we parent.  My only regret is that you all couldn’t have been tuned in for all eight days.  There are so many experiences which didn’t make the show due to time.  I will have to tell you all how James and Hannah liked the other, not seen, experiences in our week too. 

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World’s Strictest Parents Utah

17 Comments / All, Announcements, Relationships /

“I’ve just seen you on the TV Programme, the Wor’ds strictest parents here in the UK and would like to say what a superb job your family did with Hannah and James.  Your family was so patient and understanding with the teenagers and seemed to really touch their lives in a positive way.  I  found your email address by noticing the name of your chorus in the film and then finding your contact details on your website.

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