“I’m having trouble figuring out what behavior is
“normal” for my 4- and 8-year-old boys, what chores I can expect them
to be able to perform, and what kinds of rewards and consequences
work for the different ages. Is there a good book you can suggest?
Or is that something I need to tailor for my own boys (i.e.
What should I expect? Read More »
“You mention in “Intensive Teaching/Rule of Three that if a child is
“out of instructional control”, that if the child chooses not to
follow an instruction, he/she “…
Out of Instructional control behavior Read More »
Tonight as I was sending my children off to bed, I felt like something was missing. Then the words of Gene Cook came to mind. He related in his book “Raising up a Family to the Lord” how he noticed that even his big children loved to get tucked in. That is what was missing. After our story and prayer, I had just sent the children off to bed quick because it was getting so late.
I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to the bedrooms of all my children and gave them all kisses, hugs, and sang them songs. This relationship building second is more important than all of the praise
Our family culture involves lots of music time. It is a huge focus for all of us. My older two children both spend lots of time singing, and playing piano. They have a special music mentor who helps them excel in these areas.
Their music mentor has spoken with me many times about how my daughter needs to be doing musical theatre. No comment could make me more happy. 🙂 I love musicals. I own just about every musical there is. My father was a play director, when I was young, and directed a musical every year. From a very young age, I was put in these productions. Musical theatre i
Do Less…..Our Victory! Read More »
“My son has ADHD…My main concerns are the impulsiveness…and the fighting with his brothers- he literally cannot walk past without hitting them, punching them, teasing them. Car rides can be a real nightmare. (The therapist says “just leave him home sometime”— yah- he’s 6 years old, I can’t just leave him home alone, and leaving him with a neighbor would reward him for misbehaving in the car- ugg). Needless to say- we stay home a lot.”
I have had many youth, with many impulses, come to live with me. Each one is uniquely diff
Impulsivness, ADHD and consequences Read More »
“I have been reading your website and listening to your CD’s and practicing what I’ve learned from you. It has helped tremendously with the level of peace in our home. A situation occurred last night with my 12 y/o which has me a bit stymied. He was at a church camp-out and playing flag football with some other boys. One boy in particular has given him trouble on and off through the two years we have lived here. This boy will slap my son and then say it was a joke, yell at hi
Fighting with non-family members Read More »
“In your house, what are the privileges that are taken away when they lose ‘everything’ for 24 hours? At what age can they understand that? Or, what do you do with very little ones who are testing boundaries (and throwing fits) but can’t really do chores or understand losing things? I don’t know if my 29 month old could put the two together, behavior wise. I can’t really make him do chores or lose privileges as a teaching tool for him, but I do see him disobeying on purpose to test me. My almost-4 year old could understand losing privileges as a consequence, but I don’t
What consequences do small children earn? Read More »
“I’ve just been wondering about how to respond appropriately when my children get hurt. I don’t want to be unsympathetic or cruel, but how do you respond if it’s something you have pointed out they shouldn’t do or they might get hurt, or they are disobeying a rule (like not running in the house or not jumping on/off furniture) and they get hurt doing it anyway? What about when they get hurt because of a sibling or other child hitting or misbehaving? What about when it’s just an accident? I’ve noticed that around some people, children seem to try to “milk” the situation when t
Enjoy all that the children are and do. Interact a lot with them. Play! They grow too fast to waste any time. I have spent too many days trying to be “productive” in my life, and missed the really important things. I have promised myself not to do that any more. Why would I choose to miss memories and bonding, just for sleep or, getting things done on some check off list? I decided I was in charge, not some list, and I wasn’t going to miss the fun any more.
This is just a thought I had today, and felt it was worth shari
There are some great questions in some of the recent comments.
“…Most women I know are neglecting taking care of themselves on some level (physical or spiritual) to take care of their families or other obligations. Personally, I have been struggling lately to try to find some time for myself on a daily basis for things like scripture-reading, exercise, personal study time, and maybe a nap (I’m pregnant and tired!).
Time for Mom & Toddlers who won’t rest Read More »
Tomorrow our family has to leave early for the day. While driving the car tonight I realized that we didn’t have any gas, and if we had to get gas tomorrow morning, we would probably end up running late for our appointments. So, I decided to take some time this evening to re-fuel the car. As I was standing at the pump, I realized that I am not much different than a car. I also need re-fueling from time to time in order to be a happy, healthy mom; the kind of mom that can keep running all day. We all need a little time to re-fuel on a regular basis. I used to take a whole day each m
“Some of my kids have developed bad habits such as finger-sucking, nose picking (and eating it), fingernail chewing, and touching their genitals. Do you have any experience or advice on helping children successfully break these kinds of habits? Some of my children have started doing such things from the time they are babies (finger-sucking), or have developed the habits a little later at around age 3 or so. And one daughter in particular seems particularly prone to this type of thing (she’s eight now).”
I did have some youth who had behaviors which are not social
We close the end of each day with a prayer as a family. This is a time of reverence and quiet. Tonight my four year old son was a little bit hyper. Normally as soon as prayer begins everyone is silent and part of the moment, so we began prayer. During the prayer he started laughing and joking. He thought that he was pretty funny. This kind of behavior is considered disrespectful and is inappropriate for this time of day.
After the prayer I noticed that my son wasn’t in any mood to be taught yet, so I told him to go sit on time out for a few minutes.
When he finished with time out
Look “em” in the eyes Read More »
“On your CDs you mention coming up with three predetermined consequences–a minor consequence, a major consequence, and a big whammy, but throughout the presentations it sounded like you gave examples of more than three consequences (1-extra chore, 2-loss of snack privileges, 3-24 hours of working/no privileges, 4-SODAS, 5-major maintenance). I was a little confused since all the consequences you mentioned sounded like they were ones you had predetermined (not just ones that you’d agreed on in a family meeting to deal with other issues). Do you have more than three predetermine
Effective use of consequences Read More »
“I have listened to the cd’s from your mini-seminar at our LDSEHE conference. I am so amazed at your system! I can see how it would work wonderfully in my home – especially with my 3 older children. My fourth child is turning 2 Saturday. I love her! She is so cute and so smart and very spirited. She is my first screamer squealer and it is driving me bananas! Especially in the car. I don’t feel she can be reasoned with but she does understand some of what I say. How would you recommend teaching her that screaming and squealing is not part of our vision!
For Crying out Loud ~Screaming Read More »
“My husband and I are listening to your CDs. We’ve heard you speak a few times but never got the whole thing before. Your CDs are definitely an answer to prayer. I’ve tried for a long time to figure out how to get my husband on board, but he always gets so BORED, lol! After listening to the first CD, I realized that I’m definitely the big dreamer/big picture/live for the moment type, and he’s the line drive/details/planner type – no wonder my efforts didn’t work. I had a big picture but no good details on how we were going to get there. Having the CDs gives my husband
The number one mission Read More »
“How do you take away all privileges from younger kids? My 3.5 year old is really pushing… This post was the first time I really understood the “lose all privileges for 24 hours” thing. I can figure out how to do that with my 6 and 8 year olds, but the younger ones, I just can’t see it. Can you give me a visual please?
Should 3 year old lose privileges for 24 hours too? Read More »
True Story from my life: I share this story with youth when I present “Scholar Warriors ~ The Not So Secret Weapon” I will be presenting this to a group of Ogden, Utah youth tomorrow morning.
“How do you go about rewarding the kids who did not lose privileges in a way that the child who chose to lose his privileges looks at his own behavior as the cause of him missing out, instead of just feeling like mom is out to get him and wants him to be sad? Even though I try to point out how the child is the one that made the choice, I have one kid in particular that only becomes bitter about these kinds of things and feels like we are happy when he gets into trouble and doesn’t get to have things. Part of this may be due to how we have handled things in the past, trying to p
What do you do when…? Read More »
In the post below titled Honesty, I said that there is an article already written on the subject. Some people have had a hard time accessing it.
Type communicating honestly into the search bar at your top right. Then some samples of blogs associated with honesty should come up. Find “Communicating Honestly” and then click the title. This should show you the whole entry. Sorry if I was confusing.
Nicholeen
“I have two boys ages 7 and 4. My 7yo has developed a couple problems: stealing and lying. I think that I/we have been making the problem worse in the way we have handled it. We also have a HUGE problem with not minding. He is a very stubborn child and will not help us when trying to come up with consequences for his actions. He says either, “I don’t know” or “give me a spanking” or something like that. Those are NOT working, he seems to get worse with each consequence.
…I am presenting a class to the youth in my area called, “Scholar Warriors ~ The Not So Secret Weapon”, based upon my character and warrior presentations. This should be lots of fun! We will have treats and games to follow, of course. It will make a great Fall gathering.
Have a great Holiday Weekend
🙂 Nicholeen
“Thanks so much for all the wisdom and inspiration you share. I have a son (age 11) who zapps so much emotional energy from me. Over the last several months, I’ve really been trying to see things as they are and trying to determine how to handle things. He is a great kid. He’s the first one to help a younger sibling who is hurt or to give up his ice cream cone is one of his younger siblings dropped theirs. He is also the one who complains the most, rolls his eyes back into his head and gets “that look” when things do not go his way. I know that he is often “out of instructi
Some days I am running so fast from thing to thing that my full life makes me feel empty.
Some days I have such a long list of things to do that I feel overwhelmed.
Some days I realize I am overwhelmed and empty inside and I decide to to sit on the couch and read to my children instead of going for the super woman award. These connections fill me up emotionally and help me put things in life into perspective. It does great things for the children too.
Life is too short to waste on lists and running around town. Do something that really matters today. Connect with your family. Th
“Another question I had was, does the rule of 3 start over for each incident? Are the 3 consequences for staying out of instructional control as relating to the first incident? I just want to make sure I understand correctly. So if a child hits his brother, and gets out of instructional control and has the consequences for that earlier in the day, and then later disobeys about something different, the rule of 3 would start over for the later incident, correct? Consequences aren’t cumulative for different offenses, so that because the child got to SODAS with hitting his brothe
Using the Rule of Three Read More »
The following question and answer deals with something that many families deal with. In order to raise the kind of family that is going to reach our 20 year vision, we have to make choices that are different from the mainstream of society. These decisions are full of rewards as well as challenges. Trust me, the rewards far out-weigh the challenges.
“You mention something in the beginning of the first CD that struck me right off and I’ve thought about a lot ever since. “I’ve often felt that the Lord has chosen me to stand apart from the world.”
I had been feeling the same
If it’s right, it’s right! Read More »
“Thanks! It helps a lot to know that I can have both personal standards and a family standard, and to hear your experiences. I think I have been afraid to set an example and refuse things for myself that he wants because I don’t want to start an argument. But I guess it is all in the way it is done, not trying to manipulate or judge but just to honor my own standards while still respecting my husband. I appreciate your help!”
Comment on post below Read More »
“My husband and I are in the process of making our family standard, and tonight for FHE we are going to ask the kids for ideas. We already are running into some difficulty though. My husband and I have different standards as far as media goes. I agree with him that whatever standard we set needs to be one we will both be willing to follow. I think the kids will be willing to give up more than he will in the media department. We are in agreement that R rated shows will never be watched in our home, but other shows he is more ambiguous about. How should we go about making the
What if my standard is different than my husband’s standard? Read More »
What tools do parents need to teach mission? There isn’t a “one size fits all” answer to this question, but I can tell you what I have learned that I need.
Recently, while on a family camp-out, I noticed that our trailer’s tires looked fairly bald. I am not real good at assessing mechanical problems, so I asked my husband if we needed to buy
Tires Teach Parents Read More »
There are many times when I feel like my children have a different vision of how the day should go than I do. They want to play around and get distracted and I want to be efficient and get lots of things done. At these times I feel like my children are miles away from where I need them to be in order to have the house run happily.
At these times I have found it very useful to take an hour and have small mentor sessions with my children. We talk about what their goals are for the day and week and we set them up a schedule. Don’t forget to add some great play time after you have blocked
Mentor Sessions change the tide. Read More »
Well I am back from my camping trip now, and back to my computer. I wrote a post that suggested taking a week off of the computer. I hope some of your took me up on the challenge. It is easier said than done, I realize. Someone left a great comment about the post. It is definitely worth sharing.
“Oh, I need this one! I am always trying to get something ‘done’. I can’t read right now because I’m doing the dishes, or I can’t play a game right now because I’m making lunch… the list goes on and on.
“Help! I’ve been browing your website for a couple of days. Trying to find some answers- If I had the $ I’d be sending for the cd’s. But it’s not in the budget right now. I’m totally at my wits end with my 6 yr old.
I don’t know what else to do. He is ADHD- We’ve had him in with a counselor, and I have an appointment to talk about meds this afternoon. I don’t want to do meds for adhd, but I have to try something, because everything I’ve tried isn’t working. He’s only 6! I really don’t want to do meds, but I don’t know what else to try.
Should I Medicate? Read More »
Two days ago my son set up all of his little army figures in army formation and came to me and said, “Mom, will you play army with me?”
The first thought I had was, ‘I can’t right now, because I am trying to get this canning done.’
The second thought I had was, ‘maybe I can play for just a few minutes to say that I did and then get back to the canning.’
Luckily, I didn’t act upon any of those thoughts.
I looked at the army guys and looked at my son’s face. I realized that army is not a fast game, and it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to be a game where you figure strategy, and di
Stop Being so efficient!!! Read More »
“With young children like my 3 yr old, I am very tempted to give at least one reminder, another chance, before they get a consequence. So if he starts to whine and say no to an instruction, I remind him of each of the steps and encourage him to do them. Is this teaching him that it is ok to whine first and not to start out with the appropriate response? Or is it just pre-teaching? Is there a limit to how many times pre-teaching should happen? How can I tell if I am trying to govern him or just pre-teaching and giving him a chance to understand what choice he is making?”
Too many reminders? Read More »
“Coming up with rationales that matter to my kids is very difficult for me! Do you have any tips on this?”
Rationales that Matter Read More »
“I just thought I would mention that our meetings often go over 20 minutes but my kids still look forward to them. They love picking the family activity, they like problem solving too.
“Do you have a way for your kids to earn money? Could you elaborate on that?”
There was a time when we paid our children an allowance of sorts. Each child had a calendar. Their consequence for a minor offense was an X on the day of the calendar. After 5 Xs in a day, they lost their privileges for the day. Each day they automatically earned 50 cents because they were part of our family. For each X they earned, 10 cents was subtracted from the day’s totals. Every Friday dad would come home with cash and the children would total their charts and report to dad fo
“…so in the course of asking from youngest to oldest their account of what happened, do their accounts factor in the consequences they receive? Because all of them are disrupting the family feeling and not communicating well with each other, so because of that they earn a consequence. But what if one was more a victim and one was more of a perpetrator (based on what you can deduct from their stories)? I guess I am wondering if there is a purpose to hearing their stories other than letting them feel heard and calm down, or if the content of their stories re
“When your kids are fighting, do you try to instruct them in the middle of that? I often try to intervene but maybe too often – they don’t seem to be learning to problem solve with each-other rather than tattling and trying to get Mom to settle things in their favor. I honestly don’t know what would happen if I let my kids continue to fight until it blows over or comes to blows, I usually step in and separate them before I can see how they would solve the problem. I know they are generally out of instructional control when they are fighting, so anything I tell them at that poi
“I have an 8 year old boy and a 6 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. One of the most frustrating things for me is when I’m trying to talk to my boys and give instructions and they ignore me by rough housing with each other or by joking and laughing at each other or at me. What do you do when you ask them to do something in a kind, yet serious way, and they say “no” or laugh and joke around? I feel like they are showing no respect for me in this situation and I get very frustrated and even angry.
“I was just wondering, when trying to set up this type of family government for the first time, does it take several family meetings before you can actually implement it? You talk about how each meeting shouldn’t be longer than 20 minutes, but if I’m understanding properly, to begin we need to talk about a family vision, come up with a mission statement, teach everyone the four basic skills (and practice them), and create a family standard…all the things seem to build on each other, so it sounds like it would take longer than twenty minutes to go through all of it properly bef
In case some of you don’t look at the comments, I wanted to share this one.
“I definitely relate to this mother’s feelings. It is really overwhelming to implement this new system and I make mistakes all the time. I’m also finding that I’m less diligent as time goes on and so it helps me to read all the advice here so I can “keep swimming” and not give up. I keep thinking of your words on the CD that it takes work to set this up and we have to be willing to do the hard work. I know it is worth it. It has already made a big difference, I just need to keep trying and improving.
“I first just want to thank you for the wonderful things you do. I attended the LDSEHE conference in Virginia in May and LOVED the classes I went to from you so much that I bought your CDs. Since then, I’ve listened to them over and over and over trying to en-grain it into my head and heart. My question to you is this: How do you start from scratch with a houseful of kids? I have 9 kiddos ages 12 to 9 mo. They are really good kids, but I’ve learned that I have done then a huge injustice by the way I’ve been parenting them. I am ready to change and increase the love and spi
Helpful tips.
#1. Really look into the eyes of your child when she is talking. And watch the movements and gestures of her body and face while she plays and communicates to you. This simple thing brings me so much more joy. My soul can really feel my child’s soul and appreciate it if I take the time to look into their eyes. It is so easy to get task oriented and forget the first step in communication ourselves. Look at the person.
Your child will also be much more happy when he has a visible sign that you are paying attention to what he is really communicating.
#2. Boredom
“He that cannot bear with other people’s passions, cannot govern his own.” ~Benjamin Franklin
This applies, in many ways, to self-government.
How do you find a good consequence for a thre-year-old who won’t participate in cleaning a shared bedroom? This mother explained to me of her struggle with this issue. This is the advice I gave her.
Cleaning a Bedroom Read More »
This mother’s son has a hard time following instructions if there isn’t a pre-teach before every instruction. Does she have to pre-teach beforeeveryinstruction?
Should I Pre-teach EVERY instruction? Read More »
Job jars are great, but what to put in them? How many chores can you really do around one house? Here’s a list of jobs you can use!
“I’m trying to figure out how to make this work for my 3 year old. He is very high spirited, very defiant and REALLY can’t take no for an answer. I struggle minute to minute with obedience and with whining and I worry that if I did things the same way I do them with my older children, only using time-outs, he would be in time-out constantly. Actually I don’t know if he would ever make it into time out if I waited for him to be calm first.
Strong Willed 3 Year Old Read More »
How does 24 hours loss of privilegeswork in your house? Let’s say a13 year old boydoesn’t want to get on board. Buthe shouldn’t be allowed to just hole up in his room away from the rest of the family!However, I have foundthat sending him to sit on his bed is the most effective thingthat can be done.
Consequences are so individual. I don’t expe
Using The Bedroom As A Consequence Read More »
I should have corrected him right there, but for some reason, I let him whine at me. It is always better to correct all negative behaviors as soon as possible.
We got home late. My four year old fell asleep on the way home. After waking up, he came in to go potty, get dressed and go to bed. From the bathroom I heard crying. He was in there for a long time. He was in the bathroom trying to clean up a mess that he had made in his pants.It was very stressful and disturbing to him to find a dirty pants problem. This stress along with his extreme tiredness made him very sad and he just couldn’t help crying.
Hovering gives a message of not trusting. Ifhe thinks that you don’t trust him,he will think of himself as a dishonest person based upon your behaviors. Hovering is also a form of a power struggle. So, if you shouldn’t hover over a child to make sure that he follows through with earned consequences, or instructions that have been given, what should you do to change the behavior?
Is Hovering Necessary? Read More »
Stories of success from others is always a good boost of confidence for ourselves. If you have success stories, feel free to share! We love you hear how Teaching Self-Government is going for you! Here’s some that we’ve gotten.
What Are Your Successes? Part One Read More »
I’m having trouble figuring out a good consequence beyond time out for my 3 yr old. He and his brother who just turned 6 share a room. I gave them an instruction to clean their room this morning, and he left the room to play with toys before it was done.He went into time out nicely, and loved being praised for being good in time out after his 3 minutes were up. He promised to finished cleaning. But then he did it again. We repeated the process and he had a second time out, but he left time out before the time was up. Is it bad to use the same consquence twice in a row? Do consequences always need to get bigger?
He Won’t Clean His Room? Read More »
Over the last year, my niece has gone through a change. The once happy, helpful girl changed into a whiny, depressed, girl that didn’t look at life the same. One day I got left home with the all the children whilethe adultswent shopping. While I was home with the children I started giving instructions for everyone to clean things up around the house. My niece started arguing with me, then she started whining, then she started complaining about everything in her life and told me that I just didn’t understand her. This is how I handled it…
Do You See What I See? Read More »
“My daughter takes 10 minutes to actually say ‘OK’ to an instruction. How do I speed things up?”
If it’s taking 10 minutes for the daughter to say “Okay” to an instruction, then she is having a power struggle and isn’t actually following the instruction. how could you do it better?
When I see my children are getting frustrated, I gently remind them that they can disagree appropriately. I even tell my children exactly how to disagree with ME sometimes. The point of the skill is to learn how to stop emotion and problem solve instead of get upset, and to learn when it’s a good time to appropriately disagree.
The Why’s To Disagreeing Appropriately Read More »
When andhow do yougiveconsequences? For example,if youinstruct yourson to go clean his room (assuming you’ve prepped him for accepting a consequence) and he whines and says, “I don’t want to do it right now.” What do you say?
When To Give Consequences And Do Corrections Read More »
“…We taught the 4 basic skills and the kids had a lot of funrole-playing the way to respond to the different situations, they especially loved disagreeing appropriately! 🙂 Well, I hadn’t determined what our consequences were going to be yet so I told them we would just practice the 4 basic skills this week. I’ve learned from this that it is essential to have consequences established or there is no motivation to respond correctly…”
Why is it so important to have established consequences?
Establishing Consequences Read More »
“You mentioned you have touching rules for friends, family, and neighbors–do you mind sharing them?”
There are rules and boundaries for touching for different groups of people. Know what they are and make sure your kids know what they are too.
“My husband works at a jail and just a few weeks ago a man we both know from school and church was brought in on sexual charges. His niece was supposedly the victim. Both of us were very surprised, as we wouldn’t have expected him of doing such a thing. Whether he is guilty or not, we will probably never know.However, after discussing it, we both thought that not only is it important to try to protect our children from this type of thing, we also need to take steps to protect OURSELVES and our own reputations.”
The Times We Live In Part 2 Read More »
A reader wrote to me telling me about a young neighborhood child that introduced things of a sexual nature to her daughter. This is not a fun subject. I have been avoiding putting it on the site, but the more I think about it, this topic is probably one of the biggest things parents face. How do we keep our children free from the disease of sexual impurity that seems to be taking over our world? How do we make them aware while not taking away their innocence?
The Times We Live In Part 1 Read More »
About five years ago I met a couple who seemed to have happiness in marriage completely figured out. They shared some of their secrets with me. One of them has made a huge impact on our home. It is called Odd and Even days.
Whose Fault is It? Read More »
There are sometimes when an argument is a natural consequence of a bad behavior. Do I stand back and let them or continue to be a referee between them?
Should They Fight it Out? Read More »
A reader loves the chore chart we have for our children and wants to try it, but also wants to know if we have a chore chart for us, the adults.
Adult Chore Chart? Read More »
I have had a few requests for a copy of my chore chart. My system is very simple. Probably not revolutionary, but here it is. This chart is the one that my big children use. They switch chore lists each week.
My husband is a neat and tidy sort of a person. There was a time when our family was living out of laundry baskets instead of closets and drawers, because I just wasn’t able to stay on top of the laundry like I would have liked to.Spencer suggested the topic of having a set time for the laundry to be done and put away. I didn’t make any comments, because I didn’t want to get involved in his problem solving.Figuring out what someone wants is the first step for helping them have ownership of their thoughts and actions. Problem solving in relationships requires discerning what the person really wants in order to see what is needed to inspire change in the person.
Step #1– Ask him
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 3 Read More »
We have just made a pretty good argument for Dad’s to parent differently and have different experiences with their children. However, having a different God given role doesn’t mean that Dad should feel separated from the flow of the home. In fact, it is important that Dad should view himself as a co-president of the family business. Families should be run just as effectively as a business.
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 2 Read More »
I have had many questions latelyasking if fathers should parent different andhow to help fatherbecome part of mother’s vision for the family. There are many different situations and personalities, so there areprobably many ways to treat each different relationship.I am going to share some of what I have learned about fathers and what I havedoneto
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 1 Read More »
Dear Parents,
My son happened to lose his hat in the Air and Space Museum in DC. We didn’t find out that he had lost the NEW hat until we had been kicked out of the museum at closing time. It took me 30 minutes to find a guard that would break the rules and let me in to retrieve the hat. Luckily my daughter said that she knew exactly where he put it. After successfully tracking down the hat, at dinner time, in flaming heat. My husband seemed a little upset about the matter. He looked put out.
Perspective And Self-Preservation Read More »
“For clarification, when I describe a child’s inappropriate behavior, do I stop there?
Most Important For Church Classes Read More »
We came to DC thinking we could get mugged. We left our hotel this morning, with our money hidden, and pinned in our pockets, and no bags visible to steal. We were ready to battle the muggers of DC. In the afternoon, it rained. To be exact, it poured buckets on our heads. We only had shopping bags to put over our heads. A woman saw our pitiful family, and stopped her car in front of us. She put two black umbrellas out the window of her car. One of them still had tags on it. I ran over to the car, and took the umbrellas from her.
FAMILY
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
‘Oh excuse me please’ was my reply.
He said, ‘Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.’
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story !
Being over critical of things that don’t really matter, like table manners, personal grooming, age appropriate actions, and school grades tells the child that you don’t accept them for who they are or are trying to be.
I was sitting on the couch today going over plans for our next trip when my six year old daughter, Londyn, sat down next to me and said, “We have to go to Virginia because you want to make the world better, don’t you? Not just our family, but other families too.” I said, “Yes” and smiled. I didn’t need to say anything else. It was very clear to me that she had developed an understanding of my mission. As a family, we talk about mission a lot. We try to analyze what other people’s missions might be. We talk about what kinds of skills we need to develop to find our personal mission
Mission By Example Read More »
I instructed my daughter to sweep the floor. She said, “OK Mom, but I don’t know how.”
This surprised me. She had seen me sweep the floor so many times, that I forgot she might not even know how to accomplish the task.So, I told her exactly how to do it. It’s needs to be the same when telling your child what to say.
In order to teach our children how to govern themselves in a family setting, we have to give them a vision, or picture of what the family is workingtoward. This vision, or goal, begins the family’s mission. The vision, goal, or dream is the first thing the family starts with to acheive mission. The concept of personal mission and family mission is both inspiring and overwhelming. Will it be hard to do? Why were we picked for this mission? Why don’t I have my personal mission yet? The list of questions could continue. I have found a book that tells a parable about mission.
Have A Mission Book Read More »
Recently, I have had a number of emails asking questions about how to use SODAS. If you aren’t aware, SODAS are a problem solving exercise that I learned how to use while working for the Utah Youth Village. The exercises are wonderful for teaching the children and youth that there are always other options to choose during situations. A question:
I am struggling with SODAS… Can the kids use them to earn back privileges? My kids are still all in the oral SODA phase as none of them really write yet, although the 8 year old is getting close (but she’s not going to like th
“Nicholeen, I was wondering how you teach these principles to the younger children. My children are (almost) 8, (almost) 6, 3.5, 20 months, and a 2 week old. (not that I expect to be doing this with the newborn right away. *grin* ) I can usually expect my older two to follow instructions, but the 3 year old and 20 month olds do not. I realize that the 20 month old is still learning, and “no” is her favorite word.
Helping Young Children Accept “No” Answers Read More »
Sometimes when parents start teaching their children how to govern themselves, the children start to fight against the new system. Many people don’t cope with change well, and children are often more anxious during times of change than adults. People look at whatever they have become as normal and comfortable.We don’t like to step out of our comfort zones and start fresh in a whole new environment, especially when we knowthat we will never get the old environment back in this case.
I have to ask it because it’s something I struggle with talking about to my kids . . . when do you talk to your children about sex? How do you go about it so that they understand that sex is actually a good thing at the right time and place, and not some evil thing (the world’s view) that you have to do to bring children to the world?
When do you talk about “it”? Read More »
In our family meeting this Sundaya topicwas brought up that our family needs to do more service. We asked for suggestions. After going over many options, we decided that Dad would call aranch in our community that might need our help and see if we could come do some REAL hard WORK.
Character Building Read More »
A blog reader wrote:
1 – We don’t have a “rule” or certain consequence set up for every behavior in the book (nor do we want so many specific rules!) So, I’m wondering if “just-plain-not-doing-what-you-know-you-should” (be kind, be respectful, be responsible, be honest, don’t hit, tease, talk back, etc.) would be considered “not following instructions”, and would it then be followed up with the usual – an extra job, followed by SODAS, then major maintenance, and 24 hours without privileges…? Or is it better to assign certain consequences to certain behaviors?
Certain Consequences For Certain Behaviors Read More »
“I agree that there are definitely times I want my kids to tell me about what’s been happening, and you mentioned that you make sure your foster kids know the difference between the two–how do you that? Sometimes it’s really hard for ME to tell when it’s reporting, and when it’s tattling. Besides physically hurting one another, would you want your kids to report things like teasing, saying unkind things or rude words, not helping with a chore that everyone has been given to do together, or taking a toy from someone?”
When Is It Tattling? Read More »
Nicholeen,
I have one problem I have not figured out how to resolve. My son (6)is a great kid, but there is one thing that sets him off every time to the point that he hits, kicks, screams, says unkind things, and basically acts like the whole world is against him so why try. This happens every time without fail when he is caught with poopy pants.
Poopy Pants and Tantrums Read More »
A lot of children have selective hearing; have you noticed? Some of this selective hearing is planned and some isn’t. They really don’t hear us correctly sometimes. We can do something to make sure this doesn’t happen as often. Have you ever said don’t run down the hall, and the first thing your child does is run down the hall? My mom used to say to me, “Don’t talk back to me.” The first thing I did after this instruction was talk back to her. Strange. It is never a good idea to start an instruction with the word don’t, because whatever you say after don’t might be
A few days after I gave birth to my fourth child I found out that I didn’t have enough milk for him. This was very stressful. (Which I am sure didn’t help me make more milk.) I supplemented him for a long time.
“Crying Doesn’t Bug You, Right?” Read More »
Those voices all around me;
“You’re wasting time,” they say.
The yard,dishes,big project
If you are going to effectively learn how to govern yourself, you have to be assertive. Teaching Self Government is essentially teaching how to act assertively as oppose to agressively or passively. Are you assertive? Take this test. You are in line at a grocery store and someone steps in front of you in line. Do you think bad thoughts about the person but choose not to say anything because it would feel uncomfortable? Do you say, “Excuse me sir, but I am in line. The back of the line is over there. Could you move to the back of th
Are You Assertive? Read More »
Nicholeen, I have a 9-year old boy. He is a typical 9-year old boy, I believe, in that his mind (and mouth) is constantly going 200 miles an hour. His siblings are always waiting for him to stop talking so they can get a word in edgewise. He is full of ideas and loves to take things apart. We are having a problem with bedtime. He goes to bed just fine, but once there, he won’t go to sleep. We let him read for about 15-30 minutes once he’s in bed, then we come down and turn the lights out (for him and his younger brother who is 4).
“It’s Time To Go To Bed.” Read More »
Even after we teach our children how to follow an instruction or how to accept a NO answer, our children will sometimes forget that they can choose to say, “OK”. The other day I told my son that he needed to clean his room. I could tell that he didn’t want to do the task. His face started to pout. The second I saw this, I said, “Porter, say OK.” He looked right at me and said, “OK!” Then I praised him. It is alright to tell them exactly what to say. This helps them problem solve the very situation they are in. The child then gets the opportunity to see how easy it is to make the rig
Tell Them What to Say Read More »
I thought this comment was worth sharing on the front page. ~Nicholeen
I just wanted to share a neat little conversation with 10yod tonight while we were cleaning the dinner dishes. She said, “You know that when you ask 4yod and 6yos to like, go make their bed. They whine and don’t want to do it, but if you say, ‘William, I’m going to give you an instruction. Please go make your bed.’ Than they say ‘OK’ and go do it right away.!” I praised her tons for making and sharing this observation and we talked about how interesting that was. I think the difference is that we practice
Powerful Pre-teaching Read More »
I received a question from a mother who is struggling with her husband not being motivated or involved in family life. This is OUR response.
Dear Motivated Mother:
Fixing Things With Father Read More »
I want to share “The Haroldsen Family Song” that I wrote the night after the seminar. Our family talked about creating a mission statement, but since that is going to take some time, I wanted something ‘right now!’ to pull us into the right frame of mind. I penned these words to be sung to the tune of “America the Beautiful.” We sing it together often and it has even stopped a couple of sibling fights.
Nicholeen, “I’ve been to a couple of Love and Logic classes. While l love the information about the brain, using love and natural consequences, I really struggle to implement the principles in the heat of the moment. Here’s an excerpt from one of the articles on their website, I wondered what you thought given the
Love and Logic Vs. Teaching Self Government Read More »
In the year 1998, my husband decided to make a career change which involved lower pay and additional schooling. We had already decided that I needed to stay home to raise our two children, so we didn’t exactly know how we were going to meet the needs of our growing family. I appealed to a higher power for direction and, by providence, was led to the Utah Youth Village in Salt Lake City, Utah.I had never thought of doing foster care before, but knew that at this time I wa
How Did I Learn Self-Government? Read More »
I would like to thank Kaisie Alba for helping me get this blog up and running. The purpose of this blog is to have a place for families who are trying to teach their children how govern themselves to ask questions to Nicholeen and find solutions to their struggles with parenthood. Teaching Self Government is a huge paradigm shift and often times questions come up along the way. This is the place to find a power source if you need one and ask questions. Nicholeen will check the blog as often as possible to try to answer all the many questions out there. She does do lots of things in life,
Purpose of the blog Read More »
