The west is on fire! Islands, mountains, and farm lands are burning all over. Even in cities where there are no fires burning there is smoke which looks like winter fog. What should we do? What can we do? Many people stop and stare. Many people complain. But, only a few are working to stop the fires from burning. As I think about fires, it occurs to me that more than the west is on fire. The world is on fire!
Feeling The Heat: Anger Issues Read More »
About 75 years ago, ten year old Tommy Monson had a Sunday School teacher only six years older than he was named Phyllis Bowden. Even though Phyllis was young, she knew the fundamentals of being a teacher to young children and took her role and responsibility seriously. So, when young Tommy became “quite fond of spit wads” Phyllis knew how to handle the problem. When Tommy wouldn’t stop his bad behavior Phyllis sent him to the bishop’s office to talk about the issue.
It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way: Role Reversal Read More »
Dealing with conflict is tough! Some days it seems like everyone is against you. No matter what you do, someone is offended and takes it personally. Then you take it personally. Then you start fantasizing about how you are going to get even. That night you talk to all your friends about what you ‘might do’ to teach the enemies a lesson. You don’t know how to resolve a conflict, so you plan for revenge instead. Then you take action and end up making wrong choices and ruining relationships.
Miracle Anger Cure: Managing Conflict Read More »
Question
“I am a much better, calmer parent than I used to be since starting to focus on teaching myself and my children self-government, but I still have two issues I seem to constantly battle; attitude problems and whining. What do you do when the child won’t calm down, and won’t do what you tell him?
The Moment Of Truth: Correcting Attitude Problems and Whining Behaviors Read More »
“Porter, what is that?” asked my Chinese friend Phil when he was visiting our home this last week from China.
“The moon.” replied eight year old Porter as he looked at the sky.
“In Chinese the moon has a different name.” Phil went on.
Phil told Porter the two syllable word which means moon in Chinese, but Porter struggled
Communication Skills Training: The Teaching Tone Read More »
Buzz, buzz! “Why won’t the flies stop buzzing around my head?” I wondered as I sat out in the mountain shade trying to digest my new book. First one, then four, all buzzing around my head. It seemed like it was a dance for them, and it looked like a dance for me. I was waving my arms every which way trying to get the pesky insects to leave me alone. I didn’t do anything to them.
How To Control Your Emotions Read More »
“But, what do you do when they are screaming, and it’s time to walk out the door?” a father asked me at a recent conference. “My strong willed three year old son is very difficult at those times.”
I looked at this wonderfully dedicated father, and felt his frustration. Who hasn’t felt the anxiety build when a child has a tantrum right when you are leaving for church or leaving for work?
Toddler Tantrums At The Most Inconvenient Times! Read More »
This week I was invited back to Family Voice Talk Radio with BJ Stober, family therapist to talk about helping children overcome difficult behaviors, and strengthen relationships at the same time. ,
Breaking bad habits is no easy task. Habits are like snow flakes. They fall ever so softly, but then before you know it you have something powerful, and often destructive, like an avalanche. However, even though habits can seem p
How To Break A Habit: More Than Behavior Modification Read More »
“I am not a teenager and here’s why…” said a group of youth one day during a discussion on the article by Dr. Michael Platt, The Myth Of The Teenager. One after one each of the group of fifteen or so youth declared why they were not or would not be teenagers.
Becoming A Youth: The Answer To Teenager Problems Read More »
Interview with a parenting expert part 3
This is part three of the three part series on Teaching Children Self-Government I did with Family Therapist, BJ Stober, host of Family Voice Talk Radio.
In this segment we talk about helping teens figure out ways to decrease computer time. A question was asked presented stating that children are often forced to have lots of computer time by school etc. So, they wanted to know how to find a balance.
For the remainder of the call we talked about making a fam
Interview With Nicholeen Peck Part #3: Making a Family Government Read More »
People often ask me how to be calm when someone else isn’t. Without calmness self-government is impossible. In part 2 of 3 parts on the Family Voice Talk Radio with family therapist, BJ Stober we talked about calmness and answered many parenting questions.
Here is a link to the video recording of the show.
Next week the show
Interview With Nicholeen Peck #2: Calmness Tips Read More »
BJ Stober, family therapist and hostess of Family Voice Talk Radio, interviewed Nicholeen Peck on April 19, 2012 about strict parenting. This is a link to the audio/video version of the show.
Nicholeen discussed different ways to parent and how what to focus on in order to break bad parenting habits.
Be sure to listen for the 10 Things Parents Need To Know to teach their children self-government.
Interiew With Nicholeen Peck: Strict Parenting Read More »
What does “living a lie” mean? It is when we believe something that is not true and which controls our thoughts, feelings, and other beliefs. For example, when I was pregnant with our first child, I would sit in church and notice that a boy was wearing white socks with a suit, and I thought, “My son would never do that,” or a little child with a dirty face, and I thought, “My children will have clean faces in church”.
Parenting Myths: Living A Lie VS Parenting Facts Read More »
A Mother’s Question About Building Self Esteem In Children
“Emma said to me at bedtime that she thinks that she’s ugly. I’m not exactly sure where she heard this since I’m always telling her how cute she is, but what would you say to your kids if they said that?”
Improving Self Esteem: How To Build Self Confidence In Children Read More »
The Parenting Question
Justice or mercy? That is the question. When your child gets frustrated at his sister and hits her does he need justice or mercy? When your youth comes home from a date after curfew does she need justice or mercy? How do parents balance these two truths? Which principles are the parent secrets for raising children? Is justice or mercy the key for how to become a good parent?
Positive Parenting: Justice or Mercy? Read More »
Situation One
A mother says, “Alice I need you to take out the garbage.”
Alice rolls her eyes and walks away. She has obviously made up her mind not to follow the instruction.
How To Correct Children: Inviting Good Behaviors Read More »
“Mom, I’m going to go to Zack’s to play basketball. Is that okay?” Quinton, age fifteen, announced this morning.
I replied, “Quin, you have things to do here at home today, so I don’t think we will have time for friends until another day.”
Quin really wanted to go shoot hoops with his friend. What fifteen year old boy doesn’t?
How To Stop Getting Angry: Relaxation Breathing Techniques Read More »
There are many ways to show love for family members. However, in our family, we don’t write to each other as much as we talk to each other or do acts of service. So, for one of our family activities we decided to make a family mail system.
You’ve Got Mail! Love Note Ideas Read More »
Question:
“How do you stop children from back talking?”
Answer:
Children talking back, or sassing, to their parents seems to be a behavior many children experiment with. At different phases of development feelings of independence and intelligence emerge causing kids to talk back.
For years now people have talked about making family mission statements. In books and on blogs we hear about the principles behind making a family plan and get inspired to try new things at home.
However, statistically most people don’t actually make mission statements and use them even though they are inspired by the idea. Why?
Family Mission Statement Success: One Family’s Story Read More »
Question:
“Is it possible to spoil children at Christmas? It seems like my children never stop asking for stuff during the holidays. How do you know if your children are spoiled?”
Answer:
Spoiled Rotten? The Christmas Cure! Read More »
[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGKZXQd0G0I] Last week my post was about sibling rivalry. Here is a movie which shows how knowing to disagree appropriately is a skill which helps sibling rivalry.
This sibling rivalry solution video was filmed while I was doing some private self-government teaching for a family. I thought the children did very well with their new skills! It is hard to learn new stuff. But, both children will have much more happiness now that they understand that disagreeing appropriately is for their relationsh
Sibling Rivalry Movie: Computer Fights Read More »
Questions: Children Fighting
“Any tips on dealing with sibling rivalry? Homeschooling is not productive due to this issue.”
“My children seem to fight about everything. Most of the stuff is stupid, like whose turn it is to sit in the front seat, or who gets what place to watch a movie. Is this just normal sibling rivalry they will grow out of, or is this something I can fix? Please help!”
Is is possible to be siblings without rivalry?
Answer:
Sibling Rivalry: How To Stop Children From Fighting Read More »
Traditions establish identity. I don’t know a person who isn’t proud of their family traditions. Those traditions make us who we are. They teach us what “the good life” looks like and create feelings of unity and love which instill desires for more family experiences and deeper relationships. Traditions give us hope for our futures.
Great Thanksgiving Traditions: Showing Gratitude Read More »
The Question:
“Nicholeen,
I have been working really hard at having self-government with my
spouse and children, but I don’t see how to have self-government with
people in my extended family who are extremely difficult. Also, I am
not their mother. How do you deal with difficult family members?
What do you suggest?”
Answer:
Dealing With Difficult Family Members? Read More »
The Question:
“Nicholeen,
what do you do for Halloween? It seems like such a dark holiday, and
I really don’t like participating.”
My Answer:
I love the quote, “Bring your
children up in light and truth.” That is the rule
I follow regarding Halloween.
Halloween: Two Ways To View The Holiday Read More »
Paying Children Allowances
At the Peck house we don’t pay allowance. We also don’t pay for chores to be done. Here’s why and what some other people think about the issue.
We have two businesses we own and offer our children real work opportunities. They help Dad dig holes at plumbing jobs and help Mom do shipping of books etc.
Paying Children Allowances Read More »
“Nicholeen, I can’t seem to correct my 16 year old son without him getting upset. He rolls his eyes and looks away from me. He just seems to have a wall surrounding him that none of us can penetrate. I know I am not the calmest parent either, but there must be something I can say to get his attention or something.
Talking To Teenagers: Three Tips Read More »
Have you ever heard that old phrase about how dogs can “smell fear?” Well, dogs aren’t the only ones who can smell fear; children can too. Children know the moment they have you. They know when mom is out of ideas and dad is ready to explode. They know.
All people are born with this kind of sense about other people, so it is natural for children to consider it as valuable as seeing or tasting.
They Can Smell It: Parenting Videos Read More »
We
live in very difficult times. Many people worry about what is on the
horizon, and what future adversities will come.
No
need to worry. Adversity shouldn’t be feared. It should be accepted
and embraced.
What! Adversity is good? Read More »
Last week I talked about how there are certain skills which are important to posess for social success. These skills are different from the self-government skills I teach in myParenting A House United
Social Success: Too Little Friend Time Part 2 Read More »
“Nicholeen, can my child have too much friend time? I have noticed that he begs for it all the time, but doesn’t really want to play with his brothers and sisters that much. What should I do?”
As many of you know, in my Audio seminar and book, Parenting A House United, I talk about how children usually tell you exactly what they don’t need by asking for it all the time.
Just like if my child keeps begging me for junk food, I know he needs health
Can Too Much Friend Time Hurt Children? Read More »
By: Nicholeen Peck & Heidi Schultz (of www.franticallysimple.com )
Dont’ let this title fool you. Heidi found out principles which work for all size families! She just happens to only have one child.
Raising An Only Child: Successful Parenting Principles Which Work! Read More »
“Mrs. Peck, I am afraid I can’t believe in God.”
“What do you mean? How do you know?”
“I just don’t do things I should do and I do some things girls my age shouldn’t do…”
“What are you doing that you shouldn’t do?” I asked
“I just…spend my free time with two guys I don’t know…we just use facebook.
Keeping Teens Safe: The Internet Threat Read More »
Is it easier to tell children yes or no when they ask a question?
The answer to this question could depend on what kind of person you are.
Are the kind of parent who really likes to be in control of the goings on in the family and don’t like to be bothered with plans changing, outfits changing, or extra work for a new idea? If you are this kind of person you probably find it is easier to tell the children no when they ask to go play at a friends, finger paint, make cookies, or go swimming.
Yes Or No? ~Parent Choices Read More »
Each week I hold a special telephone mentor call for people who are enrolled in my Teaching Self-Government 10 Step Implementation Course. During these calls I personally answer people’s parenting questions. On this week’s call a very profound question was asked.
How To Stop Nagging? ~Help For Parents Read More »
“How do you maintain optimism in a depressing world? How do you teach your children to do the same?”
A Not-So-Pretend Story
[Another day of oatmeal for breakfast. I know it’s healthy, but some variety in our diet would be nice. When will the bills stop coming in? Medical bills, living expenses, debts we can’t pay. Don’t think about the money.
“Mom, can we go to the children’s museum? Mom, will you buy me a treat?”
Way To Be: Optimism Read More »
Family activity nights are big deals at our house! Not that we spend a lot of money or anything, but we do keep them a big priority. We know that having regular family activities keeps our family relationships fresh. The night gives us something to talk about and look forward to.
Here are is a list of our top ten activities which don’t really cost anything:
1- “Knock Your Socks Off”
Family Night Ideas: Our Top Ten Affordable Activities Read More »
Many people ask me what we do for Christmas and how we keep the family feeling united during all the hustle and bustle of the holidays.One of those ways is traditions.I am excited to have an article for you about some of the Peck family’s favorite traditions. Family traditions are so important for fostering love
Christmas Traditions Your Family Will Love Read More »
“How do you parent a child who is red/yellow when you are a white/blue? My son and I are so entirely different and he’s so impulsive (almost destructive) that it completely shakes my world. I often find him sneaking downstairs and turning on the Wii (which we only permit on Friday and Saturday as a privilege).
Video Games Addiction: They Are Asking for Help Read More »
If you are sending your children back to school this year or if you homeschool your children you have the perfect opportunity to make fresh starts and new relationships. Fall is exciting because of all the new beginnings that happen. We also seem to be more motivated to start new projects and increase our spiritual
Back To School Suggestions Read More »
Teenage Attitude Problems Read More »
…yes but how do you get them to work? My oldest (5yrs) always has to get get a drink or suddenly is tired or has a tummy ache when ever she hears the word “work” or “clean up.” It’s too “boring” she says. I am not about to make work “fun” for her because it
How Do You Get Them To Work? Read More »
I am pretty sure that just putting the word sex in the title of a blog post will make my blog not show up on a lot of your computers. If so, that is good. That means you have a good filter and are trying to keep the children protected from the conspirators in our world who want to enslave us all by destroying all the virtuous thoughts we normally have regarding the opposite gender and the act of marriage.
Recently I was asked:
Dear Nicholeen,
I am so impressed by the beautiful work you do as a mother and as an incredible example to families all over the world. Thank you for the work you do! I know you’re probably crazy busy, but I would really love to learn more about how you present sex education to your children. I just read a crazy disturbing article about what’s being taught in schools, and I want to be sure our children are taught about abstinence and the spiritual significance of the sex ordinance within marriage and the sacred nature of heterosexuality and well as the scientific aspects. It’s wild what teachers think is appropriate to teach Kindergartners and I’m doing research to make sure we’re hitting the right mark. If you could share your thoughts or send me to a link where you may have already addressed this, that would be awesome. Thanks to you and your sweet family!
You ask a great question. The topic of sexuality is a must for parents living in these times. My views are
Straight Talk About Sex: Children And Sex Read More »
So many people ask me how to control their out of control children… A man I really admire named Jeffrey Holland said, “…the only real control in life is self control.” I couldn’t agree more. You can control the settings on your computer, and control the television choices that come into your home. You can control all the things on your Family Standard and you can control what your family eats for dinner, but you can’t control another person. No matter how hard you try and how much power you try to look like you have, the only person you can control is yourself. Since that is the case, we should capitalize on that power we have to control ourselves, or govern ourselves. If we
Real Control! -Help For Parents Read More »
My two youngest children are best friends, and play a lot with each other. It is so fun to see them enjoy each other. This summer we have noticed that they are getting a bit too much play lately though. The sun comes up and someone is at our door asking to play. The children do their chores and run outside. They would stay there day after day, all day, if I didn’t ever call them in.
The other day my husband and I noticed some very distracted behaviors. My six year old was showing off a lot and acting a lot more “crazy” than usual. He was also trying to be the “funny guy” by popping off. We looked at each other and both knew something needed to change
Too Much Play Time?-Solving the Boredom Problem Read More »
“I came across your ideas on the LDSEHE website, and have been so inspired by all of it. I’m starting to read your book, hoping to fill in a few holes. I really like your idea for Friday family movie nights as your one source of TV. How do you make selections for that night? Do you have a list of movies you would recommend?”
You are right. We have a family TV watching policy to help our family not get bound by television. Our policy is that we don’t watch TV unless it is a movie on Friday family movie night.
Family TV Watching: Parenting Tip Read More »
Can parents actually be too soft? Isn’t love and affection always the answer? If a parent isn’t being soft aren’t they being angry? I often have parents ask me about children who are really emotional. They say things like, “…she is really sensitive.” or “…he has a tender heart.” I know there are different personalities
Brave Parenting: Being Too Soft Read More »
My children have started a fun new game this Summer thanks to a very creative friend. They play camping. Their friend found lots of old odds and ends around the house and garage and loaded them into his wagon and brought them over to play. The children loved it so much, they play it every
Summer Fun for the Children; and the Parents Too! Read More »
My father used to always say, “Master your mother tongue and you will make a mark upon the world that will be noticed.” This advice changed my life. I am still not perfectly articulate, but it is always on my mind.
“Master Your Mother Tongue”: Building Character Read More »
I have attended your classes at home school conferences and bought the mp3;s. I am currently purchasing your book, however, I am in crisis. I have a 17 rd old son that has been homeschooled since fourth grade. We originally took him out due to severe depression. This is something he struggles with. He has always done well in school. He went to the public high school for his freshman year. He was top of the class academically but he hated every minute of it and we allowed him to come back to home school for the past two years.
About six months ago I could see that he was clinically depressed and we found a counselor to help us through that. It turns out he was introduced to pornography at school and became addicted and the guilt has caused him to lose about a year of his life. We are dealing with this issue and he is doing very well and continues to receive counseling with us.
The crisis is that he cant make a decision about anything in his life and he seems to have no self control. He wants us to tell him every little thing to do and takes no responsibility. He takes 8 hours to do simple science due to the fact that if I walk out of his earshot he will immediately waste time doing anything else. It is so frustrating that we have to literally babysit him and that he needs us to. I am at my wits end with him and feel like throwing in the towel and sending him to boarding school. Of course, my rational mind knows that I must clean up this mess with him and no one else.
Can you please give me some direction on how to get this kid to take back his life and not put us in the position of jailers.
Depressed Teenager: Hope For Happiness Read More »
The opposite of calm is hurry. If you feel like you have to hurry all the time, then you will never be calm. Also, if you feel like you have to hurry through your teaching interactions with your children then you will also have a harder time staying calm. Don’t let your desire for being efficient ruin your ability to be calm. The great philosopher William Jordan said:
The first sermon in the world was preached at the Creation. It was a Divine protest against Hurry. It was a Divine object lesson of perfect law, perfect plan, perfect order, perfect method. Six days of work carefully planned, scheduled and completed were followed by,–rest.
When I was about thirteen years old I was perfectly molded in the opinions of the current society. I had my life all planned out, and was sure that my plans were socially pleasing to all of my friends. I was also sure that my plans would ensure that I wouldn’t turn out like my mother, who at the time was a person I didn’t really care about pleasing that much. You got it, I was a run of the mill, know it all and going to do it better than my parents, teenager. The only problem was, I didn’t really know what better meant because I was only seeing the popular social perspective.
Mother’s Day Miracle: My Story Read More »
I found Character, by Samuel Smiles in ebook format for free. So cool! Here’s the link if you want to pass it along: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2541/2541-h/2541-h.htm#2HCH0011
Character Book: Must Read Read More »
“I have a 5 year old son that is in kindergarten. He loves school because of all his friends there… Unfortunately with school I see him still coming home with some bad habits that we must work to break. I think his teacher is great but with all the kids in the class she can’t be expected to enforce/reward self-government principles. My concern is that he is getting confused with discipline at home and less discipline at school. How do you address this issue with your kids?”
It is hard to have a child come home from school with behaviors you need to break all the time.
School Problems ~When The Classroom Comes Home Read More »
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago.
Parenting Questions: Tattling, Fighting, & Yelling Read More »
“My question, as it relates to the above entries and to my four year old is what to do when he will not stay in time-out (on our washer)? He will not stay there. He runs after me, screaming. I put him back – try hard to do it calmly and sometimes I have tried to keep him there using my hands to keep his legs on the washer, but then I feel like I am forcing him and it all goes down hill from there.”
I wrote an answer to a similar question over a year ago. It is called “Tantrums, Time-out and Tired Moms.” The article should answer most of your questions. It is alright to do a soft hold with a child to help him learn to want to stay on time-out himself to calm down, but you are right about it being a sort of “force.”
My friend Jason Alba sent me this link to a great article about inspiring self-government in people in your community or sphere of influence.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/51538
“…I hope you will discipline yourselves and your fellow students. This request is in keeping with my commitment to self-government for students. It should not be up to me to enforce proper behavior that signifies the intelligence of Duke students. You should do it. Reprove those who make us all look bad. Shape up your own language…” -Duke President Terry Sanford
The whole thing is really worth reading. I hope you take the chance.
Coach Sanford did some great things here. He
Question:
“The biggest struggle we have with my son is that he wants to be the parent – he wants to be in control, not necessarily of my husband and I, but of the rest of the kids (he’s #2 of 5). For instance, this morning he made himself a “dessert sandwich” (he just made this up, bread with butter and cinnamon on it) before breakfast, but got mad and yelled at our 2 year old for getting into the fridge to get an apple while he still had the sandwich in his hand. Even me standing there saying “It’s okay, she can have the apple” didn’t calm things right away. ALL THE TIME he gets after his siblings for things he sees as wrong, but he himself can do no wrong, even if he’s doing the same things they are.”
About Parents
I love how at the beginning of this question you say that your son thinks he’s the parent and then at the end you say that he can do no wrong even though he is doing the same thing. These two statements together in the same paragraph make me smile because that is just what most parents really do. They get after the children for doing what they, the parents, are doing all the time too. These parents for some reason feel like if they don’t have to look at their short comings in their children then the short comings aren’t really there and don’t need to be addressed.
I will never forget
Parenting Questions: What to do when they think they are the parent Read More »
Nicholeen,
I’ve got “bubblegum pink” paint all over the carpet (and some furniture) right now that should NOT be there, and I have yelled and got angry at 3 of the 9 kids one who is under 24 hr priviledge loss but didn’t have anything to do with it, and I came in to my computer to take a breather and look what I found in my inbox! I was already feeling bad, and your article is the big dose of truth I need, but how do you turn it around when you’ve really blown it? Do I just bounce in with my new perspective, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Did this happen to you in the beginning? Thanks and God bless with your health issues.
OH………………..That is frustrating for sure. I feel your pain, and your frustration. I have to say, I have never had that one happen before. But, I have had my share of paint spills, gum on the carpet, bubble spills, and marker on the walls. Some children are just naturally more curious than others aren’t they? My children have never been too curious, but they have had friends over the years who have been and have started creative play in motion.
To answer you question,
Changing Perspective…You Can Do It. Read More »
One of Those Days
Have you ever had one of those days where you go, go, go? On these days there are lots of places to get to, you are always running late and your children seem to be grumpy, whiny, and aggressive. You don’t know if you’ll ever master getting out the door with a smile on your face and everyone in a good mood.
At the ends of days like these we plop on the couch grateful that there is finally quiet in the house and still some chocolate ice cream in the freezer. We hope the children will give us at least two hours of good sleep and that we might be able to actually check something off or our to-do list before we get to ‘turn in.’ These are the days we can’t wait to finish.
I have felt those days too.
Parenting Discipline ~Another Perspective Read More »
I make my children breakfast in bed every Valentine’s day. It’s a tradition that we all look forward to. It is my Valentine to them. Some times we have red heart pancakes and sometimes we have eggs with candy sprinkles and chocolate chips. 🙂 Try it. Surprise them.
Happy Valentines Day From the Peck Family Read More »
Jason Alba, well known author, blogger, and public speaker shared some the Teaching Self-Government successes at his home on this link http://jasonalba.com/2010/02/02/choose-the-right/
It’s so great to hear people’s successes!
Parenting Success Story Read More »
Nicholeen: we’re doing our best to implement a system of family government following your plan. I have the 6 cd set and I’ve listened to them twice, and I’m reading the book as well…
…What do you do about a child who chooses to be out of instructional control forever? Just give him his 3 square meals a day, food, clothing, medical care, education, and otherwise let him be? I decided to further restrict his privileges by only letting him take one bath a day for 30 minutes maximum. (He likes to take about 6 to 8 baths a day usually.) I also will fill up his waking time with chores and SODAS, but if he refuses to do them as he is now, do I just wait him out? Keep asking him every 15 minutes if he’s ready to accept consequences yet? What?
Happy Children Choose to be Happy Read More »
“Grandparents need the lessons taught by Nicholeen. I have 43 grandchildren. As I took care of 5 of them just recently, using the “Family Council” as a way of solving problems (as taught by Nicholeen) was so helpful to me in working with the grandchildren. Thanks, Nicholeen!”
I loved this comment because it shows that the Teaching Self-Government communication principles can be used in all circumstances with any family members or friends. I also find these principles helpful in group settings like teaching church classes or advising scouts or clubs.
Principles to keep in mind in all settings:
Grandparents Parenting ~ And Principles for Good Communication With Anyone or Any Group Read More »
This is a copy of an email from Amiee Kieffer, author of http://momzoo.blogspot.com/
I thought it would be helpful to many others.
Hitting Toddlers – Parenting Advice Read More »
Nicholeen,
Do you have any hope (techniques we can use) forNarcissistto change? I am dealing with a 50 year old son who we have diagnosed (finally) and he is wearing us out emotionally and financially.
Thank you so much,
When I think about this situation I can’t help but ponder on the word “control.”He wants control of his life and is going about it all wrong…………you want to have more control, or influence, over him and he is not a child anymore, despite how he is acting, so you can’t have it by taking it. There is a principle I believe in…………..No one is able to really control anyone but herself.
However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t still have influence on your son. It just means that it is much more
Parenting Adult Children ~Narcissism Personality Disorder Read More »
Parenting Toddlers ~ Small Successes
Nicholeen,
I’ve been working with my son Jack for the last six months to appropriately accept correction. He’s 21 months old. He’ll do something inappropriate, I’ll tell him the right thing to do and then say, “You say, ‘OK, mom.'” I’ve been wondering, over the course of the months, if my efforts were in vain. Was he too young? Would he ever get it?
Parenting Toddlers and Parenting Teenagers ~Family Government in Action Read More »
“I was wondering….what do you do about name calling, or when children say bad words? My children say crap, stupid, dumb, etc… No matter how many times I tell them to stop, they don’t. So would you have them do a chore everytime they named called, or said a bad word? or Would you do something different?”
Name calling is obviously not appropriate because it destroys the feeling in the home and encourages contention and selfishness. There are a couple of ways I handle this sort of thing.
Stopping the Name Calling, and Crass Words Read More »
My sister, Janelle, who was featured on the BBC World’s Strictest Parents spoke with me recently about her one regret about the show. If you have seen the show, you will remember we took our British guests to a homeschool youth event. Janelle was in charge of creating an event which would push the youth, physically, and emotionally. It was a team race with many different challenges. During the event, the youth were required to get their whole team over a 6 foot high wire loaded with bells, have each person eat a jar of baby food beans, fill a tube with water that was loaded with holes, feed each other blind folded, and get their whole team completely off the ground for 30 seconds using a rope and three poles.
The youth were inspiring to watch. James had a hard time with the course because the challenges were very emotionally strenuous. The program showed some of this. Hannah was very different to watch though.
BBC’s Hannah Teaches Parents a Great Lesson Read More »
This is Spencer, the father in the show. Thank you so much for your comments about the show and our family. As portrayed in the show, we love to spend as much time with our children as possible. I have realized that someday that my children will be come as I am and that’s a sobering thought. It helps me to change things about me that I may not like. Doing this show has been an incredible journey for us and hopefully
I was introduced to your program at a conference last year & fell in love with it. It’s for adults as well as kids! Would you be able to offer me some advise on how a husband might use this to help his wife? My son has been married for 3 years to a lovely girl.
Teaching Self-Government in Marriage Read More »
“Dear Nicholeen: I watched the show and was so impressed by your calm and collected attitude. I loved it when your son said, “she’s trying to push my mom’s buttons, but it won’t work.” One of my biggest problems is I allow kids to push my buttons and engage me in non-productive discourse (getting off track of what we’re talking about). These get me so frustrated. I don’t know how you did it with James and Hannah. I admire your patience, love and skills.
Can you tell us any more about some of the experiences that happened that weren’t included in the final edit. I’m curious to learn more about it.”
This is a great comment. Let me fill you in a bit on the whole situation my sweet, big talking 12 year old, was commenting on:
James and Hannah were very used to running away if they didn’t get their way. The reason people continue running is because it is a form of power struggle that usually works. It stops
Nicholeen Tells more about World’s Strictest Parents Read More »
“I’ve just seen you on the TV Programme, the Wor’ds strictest parents here in the UK and would like to say what a superb job your family did with Hannah and James. Your family was so patient and understanding with the teenagers and seemed to really touch their lives in a positive way. I found your email address by noticing the name of your chorus in the film and then finding your contact details on your website.
World’s Strictest Parents Utah Read More »
We have a problem with people getting into things in the house without asking. For example chocolate chips, cookies in the freezer and so on. We also have a problem with dishonesty.
The consequence for these (decided by the family) Dishonesty: 30 min.
Getting Each Other in Trouble Read More »
While making bread one day I heard confusion coming from downstairs. After asking the children what was happening I found out that one of our darling little friends, who was over playing, broke a toy and was really worried about getting into trouble. Apparently, the little five year old girl was playing with a toy when it dropped and broke. The other children assured her that it would be alright, but she was still worried.
Our sweet friend became so anxious that she hid herself in the bathroom for a while, and when she was found there came out and found another more private pl
Recently I have had multiple people email with questions about their husbands. It seems that some fathers are reluctant to make changes in their family culture and systems even when the rest of the family is already using the teaching-self-government system. Even though I am speaking from a woman’s perspective today to women primarily, I have also had fathers email about their wives not wanting to change, so the topic is valid for both mothers and fathers.
Why is it that one parent can be ready for change and another isn’t? The answer to this question is probably individual in many
Fathers figuring things out Read More »
“Waaaaahaaaaa!” screamed Porter, my five year old, from the other side of the family room. I looked over there just is time to see Paije, his much older sister, trying to pry one of her shoes from her little brother’s hands while keeping a close eye on the other shoe. Before I could even get a word in, Paije had grabbed the first shoe away from her younger brother and no
Teaching How to Stop Teasing Read More »
My daughter had one of her best friends over to play. After playing for about 45 minutes, the friend came from the basement in tears to her mother. She was really upset because she was having a hard time communicating with my daughter.
Choose Communication Not Sides Read More »
Another way I change my children’s hearts is to see what changes I have to make in myself. If a relationship is suffering, it is usually a two person problem. So, if I feel disconnected from my child, I take a good hard look at what I can do to change myself, motivate myself, and inspire myself. In short, I try to see how I can live better so that I can inspire my child to live better. In the past this has even required a new way of communicating to my family. So far, this approach to changing hearts has been a big blessing for myself and my family.
If I am going to in
Teaching Self Government requires Self Government Read More »
“I do struggle and maybe you could give me some advice. I spend quite a bit of time with my kids in the morning going over little activities like school workbooks and story time and exercising together. Yet the minute I get on the phone or sit down to nurse the baby, the three boys are arguing or fighting or taking toys from each other or something of the sort. I have tried to get them to color or do a certain activity together, but that only lasts so long. It’s
“Mom is on the phone” Read More »
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago. It has been so helpful! It has already made a big difference in our home!
My eight year old son was having trouble obeying the first time i.e. following instruction, and we would ask him again and again to do things and he wouldn’t do them. He would forget or get distracted reading. (He’s a white, through and through.) Then we would get angry and he would do it. But he would sometimes get angry and lately even sometimes go into a little bit of a rage.
Success Stories and Some Questions Read More »
A week ago I had six children instead of four. We adopted two British 17 year old teens for a television show we were asked to be on. Even though the filming was only 8 days, I think all of us, our family, the two teens, and the camera crew learned a lot about love and why some people struggle with certain behaviors.
There was one time during the week when my 17 year old adopted son, J, got really frustrated. He was stressed because we were short on time, and he had lots he wanted to accomplish. He had a bit of a break down. He cried, and yelled, and displayed attitud
The Power of a Hug Read More »
A parent says, “Billy, come make your bed.”
Billy doesn’t come immediately so the parent says,”One…….Two………Three.” to get Billy to come.
Have you ever done this? Everyone knows Billy better start running either at or before his mom hits the number three or else Mom could turn into a monster.
As I travel around, I notice counting to three as possibly the most common parenting control method. Counting has it’s place in parenting, but the counting in the above story is either a threat, a power struggle, or a sign of a parent who doesn’t real
Have You Ever Done This? Read More »
…my 6 year old is up to his old tricks. He
LOVED following instructions when I first started concentrating on this.
But, today, he became his regular difficult self. He hasn’t been
following instructions and when I tell him he’s earned a chore, he won’t
do the chore. And when I try the Rule of 3, he’ll calm down and then
still won’t follow through with his chores.
He has tried to solicit help from me (while I’m trying to make dinner for him)–I told him I’d like to
help him, but I have to make dinner right now. Then, he just starts goofing off with the r
Sneaky Six Year Old Read More »
I have a 14yo son who I cannot deal with any more. It isn’t a new thing. He’s my oldest and ever since he was little I have felt like I can’t deal with him. He is defiant, impulsive, selfish, and almost any other negative thing I can think of. When he sees how emotional his behavior makes me he feels guilty and apologizes and tries to do better for a little while but it doesn’t last.
We’ve tried to set up self-government. We made a family mission statement but he won’t agree to it. He won’t agree to any consequences we vote on.
This last week I have had the amazing opportunity to parent two of the cutest little boys you could ever see; my nephews James and Henry. My nephews are both still toddlers, so life was a little crazy sometimes and absolutely adorable almost all the time.
For instance, three year old Henry felt that it was important to share all of his profound thoughts with me like, “Did you know that if I threw this basketball at your wall, or your window, or your light it would break? But if I threw the ball at your couch it wouldn’t break. But, if I got a really big ball, it could break your couch.
Positively Wonderful! Read More »
I don’t know any BAD children. Sure, there are children who make bad choices, but inside, those children all have a spark of goodness. Without this philosophy, I could have never decided to take foster children into my home. As soon as they arrived in my home I saw it as my job to find that spark, or flame of g
I don’t know any bad children. Read More »
I had a question about getting my 9 month old baby to sleep?
I have been nursing him to sleep since he was born. Because he needs to be nursed to sleep, he sleeps in our bed. When I try to put him to sleep in his crib, he pulls himself up to standing and starts screaming and crying. I would really like to move him out of our bed and get him to put himself to sleep in his crib.
My baby won’t sleep through the night. Read More »
You use the word “criticism” often when you’re talking about corrective teaching…That word however, has a very negative connotation to me, and each time I hear you say it on your CD’s, I cringe inwardly… I listen to and read a lot of stuff on marriage and parenting, and the word “criticism” is always used as a negative term. It’s considered one of the 6 Love Busters in Harley’s book, Love Busters. John Gottman, in his books on marriage, includes it in “a set of particularly poisonous patterns of interaction [he calls] “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that can
Is Giving Criticism Bad? Read More »
We used you family standard made some changes and put it in our family book. My question is, do you have a family mission statement?
I am so glad you liked the standard. Ours is also in our family meeting book. Here is our family mission statement: ~Nicholeen
Our Mission Statement Read More »
I have one son who doesn’t seem to be responding much to the changes in our family, and I am starting to worry about him. I know you have dealt with many children who have come from dysfunctional situations and maybe even need counseling. I am wondering if there is a way to tell if this child needs counseling or if I just need to continue doing what we are doing and hope that it is making a difference little by little. He is 10.
The main issues we are having with him are lying and a tendency to constantly look for and feel pity for himself. He has been difficult since the b
Therapy? Lying? Attention seeking? Read More »
Most parents I know would say they love their children unconditionally. This unconditional love is the most powerful kind of love there is. Some Christians call this kind of love, “Christ-like Love.”
Feeling love for another person in your heart is not enough to make your love unconditional. True unconditional love is a kind of love that can separate a person from his behaviors. Can you see how this definition really IS unconditional?
Parents must correct the behaviors of their children! There is no doubt about this. But, the correction of the negative behavior should never chang
Separate Behaviors from People Read More »
I was recently asked if I thought I was a strict parent. I’ve never liked the word strict, because I associat it with a parent who yells a lot, is stern looking and engages in power struggles. So, in response to the question, I said, “I wouldn’t use the word strict to describe me, but I would say I am firm.” I shared these thoughts about the word strict with a wise friend of mine. She looked me in the eye and said, “You are wrong about people who are strict. A strict parent DOESN’T HAVE TO YELL.” All of a sudden I wondered if the semantics of the word strict have been chang
This last weekend at the seminar in Clearfield, UT I was asked for a copy of my family standard. In case it is useful to anyone else, it is below. Warning, this is three pages long on word. You should be able to copy and paste it back to word if you want to use it too or take ideas from it. 🙂 It does contain some things that are specific to our family’s religion. Regard those things how you will. Each family’s family standard should include things from their religious foundations.
Peck Family Standard Read More »
There was a comment left on the “perfect families” post which said,
Have you found ways to keep from joining in the competition when you speak about your kids, and shut down competitive questions/remarks from others?
There is definitely a way to keep from joining in these kinds of competitions. But, the way is not easy because it goes against human nature to seek evidence of personal success by comparing. I have realized the act of comparing or one-upping usually happens when I stop listening to and caring about the parent talking to me and caring about my own fami
Question about “perfect families” Read More »
Yesterday, my daughter was playing with her toy horses and stables. She was having a great time. I was reading on the couch. Then I got this thought, “Ask her if you can play with her.”
I must confess, it would have been a lot easier for me to keep doing my study thing. I need all the time I can get. But, right then I realized the most important thing to do was make a memory with my daughter.
I asked her if I could play. She smiled HUGE and said, “sure Mom!”
We played for about 10 minutes when all the children crowded in and watched our playing. Then I heard my son say, “I g
After moving to a new neighborhood, many years ago, I found myself talking to a nice woman about who the different families were who lived around me. I couldn’t wait to get acquainted with everyone, and her information about the names of families and what age children lived in what homes was very informative for
The “Perfect Family” Read More »
