One day I was walking passed my daughters bedroom when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my daughter’s 3 year old friend emptying the last of a HUGE 100oz refill bottle of bubbles onto the carpet. She had climbed the closet shelves to the top and got down the bottle, so that she could dump it. What did I do? Did I lose my cool? No way. This wasn’t my child. I walked into the room and said
Bubbles are no big deal. Read More »
In the post below I discussed teaching our children gratitude. I forgot to mention one thing we do which teaches gratefulness the most; thank you notes.
Thank you notes are almost a thing of the past. This is sad and possibly selfish. Nothing replaces the warmth and love the feeling of a hand written note or letter gives to a reader. I have lovingly kept cards and notes from all of the dear people currently in my life and those who are no longer living. Seeing the writing and words from my grandmother warms my soul. I am so glad that she believed in writing cards and notes to me, so
Samuel Smiles said, “Worst of all are the grumblers and growlers at fortune–who find that whatever is, is wrong,” or not enough.
Quiet a few years ago, we had a Christmas day that changed all the Christmas days to come. We had a nice large Christmas with lots of presents for the children. The children opened their presents, and then the grandparents came over with gifts. After opening a present from a grandparent, one of my children said, “Is that all?”
I about died! Not only was this a huge social no-no, but my child was behaving very selfishly and that was unacceptable. This kin
Christmas Character Building Read More »
Today I was reading my scriptures and came across the word captive. I pondered on this word for some time.
Captivecomes from the Latin word “Captivus”, which means to seize or to take.
Not surprisingly, captivatealso comes from the Latin word “Captivus”, with the same meaning.
My thoughts turned to Christmas and family. There are so many things at Christmas time that captivate our thoughts, and families. We have concerts, parties, festivals, gift and holiday preparation. All of these things, just like television and popular media choices can of
Christmas Captivity Read More »
I recently read a book called the Christmas Sweater. In this book, the main character (a teenager) makes a lot of mistakes. Glenn Beck, the author, tells what the teenager was thinking and how he really wanted to change, but felt it would show weakness to admit he was wrong, or that he needed help etc. This was a great photo into the mind of a teenager. This was a great, easy read.
This book shows how important it is to “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” In the story, the adults didn’t really know how to handle the teenager’s attitude, but a mysterious, guardian angle
“My almost 3 yo fights and kicks and cries when I take him to time-out (I have to carry him there), and then cries very loudly and even will scream at me when I’m telling him that he needs to stay there until he can become happy. My husband thinks all of this is very disrespectful and feels that we need to spank him or do something different so that my son doesn’t do this. He thinks I am teaching my son that it’s okay to fight me and scream at me. What do you think?”
I understand your husband’s frustration, and yours. Your child is definitely “out of instruction
Out of Control on Time-out Read More »
The very first time I was asked to speak to a group of people about Teaching Self Government, I was in such a rush. I tried to tell the audience everything they would need to make all the changes necessary to become the parents they wanted to be, and to have the learning environment for their children which they also wanted for family happiness.
I remember talking so fast to try to squeeze in everything possible in the 50 minutes I had to speak. It is funny to me that I even thought I could possibly squeeze my now one day seminar into 50 minutes 🙂
I have learned a lot in these 9 yea
My children love playing with the kids next door, but it seems that the neighbor kids do something rude/unkind every few weeks (or more often). I’m not naive enough to believe that my kids are always totally without blame, but I am good friends with mother of these kids, and she has told me several times that this is pretty normal behavior for her kids and that my kids don’t act like that. My kids (8 yo girl, 7 yo boy) have learned to pretty much just expect rude comments and behavior from the 9 yo neighbor boy and don’t have a lot to do with him anymore, but the 8 yo old girl
My neighbors fight with my children…friend problems Read More »
How do you help your children stand up for what’s right without being “preachy” or “goody-goody”?
The most importantskill you can teach your child is how to determine what is right and what is wrong and how to choose right and stay away from wrong. This is the whole reason children need parents. If my child can’t match his outfits, doesn’t know how to do mathematics well, never changes his bed sheets, ortalks with his mouth full, it doesn’t really matter at all if he has mastered how to discern between what is right and what is wrong and chooses to follow right.
Dealing with Friends part 4 Read More »
How do you help your children respond appropriately to unkind behavior and deal with conflicts?
I am assuming this question is referring to conflicts with friends and not siblings, although the conflicts aren’t too much different. In fact, in most cases if we all treated each other like friends instead of siblings, we would all be much nicer to each other. For some reason, most people treat strangers, and friends way better than fami
Dealing with Friends part 3 Read More »
“How do these things change as your children get older?”
Too much friend time makes children selfish. Children who are around peers too often start to think more about their peers than their family. This focus on self encourages them to with draw from family.
If children have limited contact with peers when they are young, they will most likely not become dependent upon having friends around for their happiness. The last thing I want is a child who thinks that their happiness comes from something or someone else. Happiness comes from inside us all, and for
Dealing with Friends part 2 Read More »
How often do your children play with friends, and under what conditions? How do these things change as your children get older? How do you help your children respond appropriately to unkind behavior and deal with conflicts? How do you help your children stand up for what’s right without being “preachy” or “goody-goody”?
These great questions about friends will take a few days to answer. The answer to the first question is below.
“How often do your children play wi
Dealing with Friends Read More »
Family activities don’t necessarily need to be elaborate! I am a bit of a romantic, so I always try to think up things that sound memorable.
Tonight we drove around our small town until we found a place that had a lot of leaves that needed to be raked up. We made the ever traditional huge pile of leaves and jumped in, rolled around, buried each other, took pictures, and wrestled a bit. Soon it was time to go. (the draw back of daylight savings time) We decided that we didn’t want to be done. We wanted to take the fun home with us. So, we quickly went home to get some strong garbage
Planners vs. Live in the moment people
Planners vs. Live in the moment poeple Read More »
My oldest son is a talker. If he has anything on his mind, he finds a way to say it. In fact it is painful for him not to say what is on his mind. If anyone ever tells him to not say something he wants to say, he either becomes very offended or he acts like he is going to blow up trying not to say one of his great thoughts.
Talkers vs. Listeners Read More »
The Universe is governed by laws. One of those laws is that an older, wiser species comes before the new, innocent young of the same species to guide the younger toward right choices and acceptable behaviors. I have heard parents say before that their children didn’t come with instruction manuals. This is true, and each child is uniquely different, but I have wondered if parents make statements like these to make themselves feel better
Changing generations Read More »
“Where there is no vision, the people perish…” (Proverbs 29:18)
I have a 20 year vision for my family:
I have many posts on this site about how to change attitude problems in our children. This is important to know how to do, but even more important for our family is knowing how to change our own attitude problems.
Let’s face it, parenting is hard work! There are many nights that I don’t even turn over in my bed, because my body is so tired, it would take too much effort. Life is hard, but it doesn’t need to be miserable. Part of self government, is knowing when you get to choose, and when you don’t. Attitude is always your own choice.
So what is YOUR attitude about your work as a
What is YOUR attitude like? Read More »
There is an old saying which says, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”
This is going to shock you all……WHY? Seriously, I think this is sound advice for school assignments that are due, and remembering to put gas in the car, but after careful consideration, I have found that this advice about not procrastinating, can ruin the days and lives of some mothers.
How many “homework” assignments do we constantly pile upon ourselves under the pretence of this old adage? I have found myself canning until 2:00 a.m. when I have to wake up at 5:00 a.m.
Going against the grain. Read More »
“Mom, Paije tried to take this stuffed animal away from
Then Paije said, “But Mom, she never asked me if she could use it and it is mine.”
Who is really right? Family mission teaches lots. Read More »
How do you balance your mission with your family mission? Obviously helping
others learn to teach their children self-government takes a good deal
of your time away from your family so I’d love some tips. God has
inspired me to reach out more to others and share my talents, but I
sometimes find it difficult to find a good balance with my #1 mission
of raising my family.
This question is a classic! I love it. What ambitious Mommy doesn’t struggle with this?
You are right, I have to pull off quite a balancing act to manage all of my missions.
The famil
Balance for a mission mom? Read More »
Tonight as I was sending my children off to bed, I felt like something was missing. Then the words of Gene Cook came to mind. He related in his book “Raising up a Family to the Lord” how he noticed that even his big children loved to get tucked in. That is what was missing. After our story and prayer, I had just sent the children off to bed quick because it was getting so late.
I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to the bedrooms of all my children and gave them all kisses, hugs, and sang them songs. This relationship building second is more important than all of the praise
Our family culture involves lots of music time. It is a huge focus for all of us. My older two children both spend lots of time singing, and playing piano. They have a special music mentor who helps them excel in these areas.
Their music mentor has spoken with me many times about how my daughter needs to be doing musical theatre. No comment could make me more happy. 🙂 I love musicals. I own just about every musical there is. My father was a play director, when I was young, and directed a musical every year. From a very young age, I was put in these productions. Musical theatre i
Do Less…..Our Victory! Read More »
“I have been reading your website and listening to your CD’s and practicing what I’ve learned from you. It has helped tremendously with the level of peace in our home. A situation occurred last night with my 12 y/o which has me a bit stymied. He was at a church camp-out and playing flag football with some other boys. One boy in particular has given him trouble on and off through the two years we have lived here. This boy will slap my son and then say it was a joke, yell at hi
Fighting with non-family members Read More »
Enjoy all that the children are and do. Interact a lot with them. Play! They grow too fast to waste any time. I have spent too many days trying to be “productive” in my life, and missed the really important things. I have promised myself not to do that any more. Why would I choose to miss memories and bonding, just for sleep or, getting things done on some check off list? I decided I was in charge, not some list, and I wasn’t going to miss the fun any more.
This is just a thought I had today, and felt it was worth shari
There are some great questions in some of the recent comments.
“…Most women I know are neglecting taking care of themselves on some level (physical or spiritual) to take care of their families or other obligations. Personally, I have been struggling lately to try to find some time for myself on a daily basis for things like scripture-reading, exercise, personal study time, and maybe a nap (I’m pregnant and tired!).
Time for Mom & Toddlers who won’t rest Read More »
Tomorrow our family has to leave early for the day. While driving the car tonight I realized that we didn’t have any gas, and if we had to get gas tomorrow morning, we would probably end up running late for our appointments. So, I decided to take some time this evening to re-fuel the car. As I was standing at the pump, I realized that I am not much different than a car. I also need re-fueling from time to time in order to be a happy, healthy mom; the kind of mom that can keep running all day. We all need a little time to re-fuel on a regular basis. I used to take a whole day each m
We close the end of each day with a prayer as a family. This is a time of reverence and quiet. Tonight my four year old son was a little bit hyper. Normally as soon as prayer begins everyone is silent and part of the moment, so we began prayer. During the prayer he started laughing and joking. He thought that he was pretty funny. This kind of behavior is considered disrespectful and is inappropriate for this time of day.
After the prayer I noticed that my son wasn’t in any mood to be taught yet, so I told him to go sit on time out for a few minutes.
When he finished with time out
Look “em” in the eyes Read More »
“My husband and I are listening to your CDs. We’ve heard you speak a few times but never got the whole thing before. Your CDs are definitely an answer to prayer. I’ve tried for a long time to figure out how to get my husband on board, but he always gets so BORED, lol! After listening to the first CD, I realized that I’m definitely the big dreamer/big picture/live for the moment type, and he’s the line drive/details/planner type – no wonder my efforts didn’t work. I had a big picture but no good details on how we were going to get there. Having the CDs gives my husband
The number one mission Read More »
“How do you go about rewarding the kids who did not lose privileges in a way that the child who chose to lose his privileges looks at his own behavior as the cause of him missing out, instead of just feeling like mom is out to get him and wants him to be sad? Even though I try to point out how the child is the one that made the choice, I have one kid in particular that only becomes bitter about these kinds of things and feels like we are happy when he gets into trouble and doesn’t get to have things. Part of this may be due to how we have handled things in the past, trying to p
What do you do when…? Read More »
“I have two boys ages 7 and 4. My 7yo has developed a couple problems: stealing and lying. I think that I/we have been making the problem worse in the way we have handled it. We also have a HUGE problem with not minding. He is a very stubborn child and will not help us when trying to come up with consequences for his actions. He says either, “I don’t know” or “give me a spanking” or something like that. Those are NOT working, he seems to get worse with each consequence.
“Thanks so much for all the wisdom and inspiration you share. I have a son (age 11) who zapps so much emotional energy from me. Over the last several months, I’ve really been trying to see things as they are and trying to determine how to handle things. He is a great kid. He’s the first one to help a younger sibling who is hurt or to give up his ice cream cone is one of his younger siblings dropped theirs. He is also the one who complains the most, rolls his eyes back into his head and gets “that look” when things do not go his way. I know that he is often “out of instructi
Some days I am running so fast from thing to thing that my full life makes me feel empty.
Some days I have such a long list of things to do that I feel overwhelmed.
Some days I realize I am overwhelmed and empty inside and I decide to to sit on the couch and read to my children instead of going for the super woman award. These connections fill me up emotionally and help me put things in life into perspective. It does great things for the children too.
Life is too short to waste on lists and running around town. Do something that really matters today. Connect with your family. Th
The following question and answer deals with something that many families deal with. In order to raise the kind of family that is going to reach our 20 year vision, we have to make choices that are different from the mainstream of society. These decisions are full of rewards as well as challenges. Trust me, the rewards far out-weigh the challenges.
“You mention something in the beginning of the first CD that struck me right off and I’ve thought about a lot ever since. “I’ve often felt that the Lord has chosen me to stand apart from the world.”
I had been feeling the same
If it’s right, it’s right! Read More »
“Thanks! It helps a lot to know that I can have both personal standards and a family standard, and to hear your experiences. I think I have been afraid to set an example and refuse things for myself that he wants because I don’t want to start an argument. But I guess it is all in the way it is done, not trying to manipulate or judge but just to honor my own standards while still respecting my husband. I appreciate your help!”
Comment on post below Read More »
“My husband and I are in the process of making our family standard, and tonight for FHE we are going to ask the kids for ideas. We already are running into some difficulty though. My husband and I have different standards as far as media goes. I agree with him that whatever standard we set needs to be one we will both be willing to follow. I think the kids will be willing to give up more than he will in the media department. We are in agreement that R rated shows will never be watched in our home, but other shows he is more ambiguous about. How should we go about making the
What if my standard is different than my husband’s standard? Read More »
What tools do parents need to teach mission? There isn’t a “one size fits all” answer to this question, but I can tell you what I have learned that I need.
Recently, while on a family camp-out, I noticed that our trailer’s tires looked fairly bald. I am not real good at assessing mechanical problems, so I asked my husband if we needed to buy
Tires Teach Parents Read More »
There are many times when I feel like my children have a different vision of how the day should go than I do. They want to play around and get distracted and I want to be efficient and get lots of things done. At these times I feel like my children are miles away from where I need them to be in order to have the house run happily.
At these times I have found it very useful to take an hour and have small mentor sessions with my children. We talk about what their goals are for the day and week and we set them up a schedule. Don’t forget to add some great play time after you have blocked
Mentor Sessions change the tide. Read More »
Well I am back from my camping trip now, and back to my computer. I wrote a post that suggested taking a week off of the computer. I hope some of your took me up on the challenge. It is easier said than done, I realize. Someone left a great comment about the post. It is definitely worth sharing.
“Oh, I need this one! I am always trying to get something ‘done’. I can’t read right now because I’m doing the dishes, or I can’t play a game right now because I’m making lunch… the list goes on and on.
Two days ago my son set up all of his little army figures in army formation and came to me and said, “Mom, will you play army with me?”
The first thought I had was, ‘I can’t right now, because I am trying to get this canning done.’
The second thought I had was, ‘maybe I can play for just a few minutes to say that I did and then get back to the canning.’
Luckily, I didn’t act upon any of those thoughts.
I looked at the army guys and looked at my son’s face. I realized that army is not a fast game, and it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to be a game where you figure strategy, and di
Stop Being so efficient!!! Read More »
“I have an 8 year old boy and a 6 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. One of the most frustrating things for me is when I’m trying to talk to my boys and give instructions and they ignore me by rough housing with each other or by joking and laughing at each other or at me. What do you do when you ask them to do something in a kind, yet serious way, and they say “no” or laugh and joke around? I feel like they are showing no respect for me in this situation and I get very frustrated and even angry.
Helpful tips.
#1. Really look into the eyes of your child when she is talking. And watch the movements and gestures of her body and face while she plays and communicates to you. This simple thing brings me so much more joy. My soul can really feel my child’s soul and appreciate it if I take the time to look into their eyes. It is so easy to get task oriented and forget the first step in communication ourselves. Look at the person.
Your child will also be much more happy when he has a visible sign that you are paying attention to what he is really communicating.
#2. Boredom
“He that cannot bear with other people’s passions, cannot govern his own.” ~Benjamin Franklin
This applies, in many ways, to self-government.
We got home late. My four year old fell asleep on the way home. After waking up, he came in to go potty, get dressed and go to bed. From the bathroom I heard crying. He was in there for a long time. He was in the bathroom trying to clean up a mess that he had made in his pants.It was very stressful and disturbing to him to find a dirty pants problem. This stress along with his extreme tiredness made him very sad and he just couldn’t help crying.
“You mentioned you have touching rules for friends, family, and neighbors–do you mind sharing them?”
There are rules and boundaries for touching for different groups of people. Know what they are and make sure your kids know what they are too.
About five years ago I met a couple who seemed to have happiness in marriage completely figured out. They shared some of their secrets with me. One of them has made a huge impact on our home. It is called Odd and Even days.
Whose Fault is It? Read More »
There are sometimes when an argument is a natural consequence of a bad behavior. Do I stand back and let them or continue to be a referee between them?
Should They Fight it Out? Read More »
My husband is a neat and tidy sort of a person. There was a time when our family was living out of laundry baskets instead of closets and drawers, because I just wasn’t able to stay on top of the laundry like I would have liked to.Spencer suggested the topic of having a set time for the laundry to be done and put away. I didn’t make any comments, because I didn’t want to get involved in his problem solving.Figuring out what someone wants is the first step for helping them have ownership of their thoughts and actions. Problem solving in relationships requires discerning what the person really wants in order to see what is needed to inspire change in the person.
Step #1– Ask him
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 3 Read More »
We have just made a pretty good argument for Dad’s to parent differently and have different experiences with their children. However, having a different God given role doesn’t mean that Dad should feel separated from the flow of the home. In fact, it is important that Dad should view himself as a co-president of the family business. Families should be run just as effectively as a business.
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 2 Read More »
I have had many questions latelyasking if fathers should parent different andhow to help fatherbecome part of mother’s vision for the family. There are many different situations and personalities, so there areprobably many ways to treat each different relationship.I am going to share some of what I have learned about fathers and what I havedoneto
Fathers: Parent or Playmate Part 1 Read More »
Dear Parents,
My son happened to lose his hat in the Air and Space Museum in DC. We didn’t find out that he had lost the NEW hat until we had been kicked out of the museum at closing time. It took me 30 minutes to find a guard that would break the rules and let me in to retrieve the hat. Luckily my daughter said that she knew exactly where he put it. After successfully tracking down the hat, at dinner time, in flaming heat. My husband seemed a little upset about the matter. He looked put out.
Perspective And Self-Preservation Read More »
“For clarification, when I describe a child’s inappropriate behavior, do I stop there?
Most Important For Church Classes Read More »
We came to DC thinking we could get mugged. We left our hotel this morning, with our money hidden, and pinned in our pockets, and no bags visible to steal. We were ready to battle the muggers of DC. In the afternoon, it rained. To be exact, it poured buckets on our heads. We only had shopping bags to put over our heads. A woman saw our pitiful family, and stopped her car in front of us. She put two black umbrellas out the window of her car. One of them still had tags on it. I ran over to the car, and took the umbrellas from her.
FAMILY
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
‘Oh excuse me please’ was my reply.
He said, ‘Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.’
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story !
Being over critical of things that don’t really matter, like table manners, personal grooming, age appropriate actions, and school grades tells the child that you don’t accept them for who they are or are trying to be.
I was sitting on the couch today going over plans for our next trip when my six year old daughter, Londyn, sat down next to me and said, “We have to go to Virginia because you want to make the world better, don’t you? Not just our family, but other families too.” I said, “Yes” and smiled. I didn’t need to say anything else. It was very clear to me that she had developed an understanding of my mission. As a family, we talk about mission a lot. We try to analyze what other people’s missions might be. We talk about what kinds of skills we need to develop to find our personal mission
Mission By Example Read More »
I have to ask it because it’s something I struggle with talking about to my kids . . . when do you talk to your children about sex? How do you go about it so that they understand that sex is actually a good thing at the right time and place, and not some evil thing (the world’s view) that you have to do to bring children to the world?
When do you talk about “it”? Read More »
Nicholeen,
I have one problem I have not figured out how to resolve. My son (6)is a great kid, but there is one thing that sets him off every time to the point that he hits, kicks, screams, says unkind things, and basically acts like the whole world is against him so why try. This happens every time without fail when he is caught with poopy pants.
Poopy Pants and Tantrums Read More »
A few days after I gave birth to my fourth child I found out that I didn’t have enough milk for him. This was very stressful. (Which I am sure didn’t help me make more milk.) I supplemented him for a long time.
“Crying Doesn’t Bug You, Right?” Read More »
Those voices all around me;
“You’re wasting time,” they say.
The yard,dishes,big project
I received a question from a mother who is struggling with her husband not being motivated or involved in family life. This is OUR response.
Dear Motivated Mother:
Fixing Things With Father Read More »
In the year 1998, my husband decided to make a career change which involved lower pay and additional schooling. We had already decided that I needed to stay home to raise our two children, so we didn’t exactly know how we were going to meet the needs of our growing family. I appealed to a higher power for direction and, by providence, was led to the Utah Youth Village in Salt Lake City, Utah.I had never thought of doing foster care before, but knew that at this time I wa
How Did I Learn Self-Government? Read More »
