Parenting On the Go ~Car and Store Struggles
Hi, Nicholeen,I have a quick question for you. I’m struggling with what to do for discipline/consequences when we’re away from home. (Specifically in the car or in a store.) My kids tend to pick at each other, fight, kick, etc., in the car and to run away from me or do other annoying things (push the cart the wrong direction, touch things they shouldn’t, etc.) at the store. The younger ones especially (age 2-4ish) don’t really care enough about what’s coming in the future for them to care if I give them a consequence that will be carried outParenting On the Go ~Car and Store Struggles Read More »
It Changed My Life
I recently received a very inspiring email which answers the question “How will Teaching Self Government change my family?” I love to see what Teaching Self Government looks like in other homes, so I thought you would enjoy it too.
TSG has change my life. It has opened my eyes to the 4 basic communication skills. It has given me hope that despite my upbringing, I can learn the skills to help me be a better parent and communicator with my children. It helps me to pause when I’m really frustrated, to know what to say in any situation instead of constantly having to be creative
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Problem Solving in groups
Problem solving is a great group skill as well as an individual skill. Group discussions and family meetings are great places to use SODAS. My children are not perfect, and never will be, so we get the opportunity to problem solve together all the time. One day, a few years ago, all four of my children ended up crying all at
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Consequences
My kids are really hard workers (At least I’ve taught them one thing right!) so they are not bothered at all by doing an extra job or even doing jobs for one hour or all day. It’s not their favorite thing to do but they will do it without complaining and then go right back to the same behavior that we were trying to fix. I know it sounds crazy but these are unusual kids I’m raising!
Success Stories and Some Questions
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago.
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Parenting Questions ~ Tattling, Yelling, & Fighting
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago.
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“Mom is on the phone”
“I do struggle and maybe you could give me some advice. I spend quite a bit of time with my kids in the morning going over little activities like school workbooks and story time and exercising together. Yet the minute I get on the phone or sit down to nurse the baby, the three boys are arguing or fighting or taking toys from each other or something of the sort. I have tried to get them to color or do a certain activity together, but that only lasts so long. It’s
“Mom is on the phone” Read More »
Success Stories and Some Questions
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago. It has been so helpful! It has already made a big difference in our home!
My eight year old son was having trouble obeying the first time i.e. following instruction, and we would ask him again and again to do things and he wouldn’t do them. He would forget or get distracted reading. (He’s a white, through and through.) Then we would get angry and he would do it. But he would sometimes get angry and lately even sometimes go into a little bit of a rage.
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Questions, Questions
In the past couple of months I have been swamped with questions. I am so sorry if I have not been able to answer your question in a reasonable time. With the filming of the BBC show and trying to work on my book, as well as doing regular life stuff I have had a lot of my time taken up. Here are a few really brief answers to some of the recent questions.
I know you’ve mentioned this before, but how do you handle it when you’re children answer a question with “I don’t know.” Usually, when my kids say this, it just seems like they’re too lazy to think somethin
Questions, Questions Read More »
How long should a chore take? 4 Hours?
“I read your post about the Dawdler getting in the way of family routines, but what do I do with a dawdler when it comes to accepting consequences. Here is the situation:
How long should a chore take? 4 Hours? Read More »
Have You Ever Done This?
A parent says, “Billy, come make your bed.”
Billy doesn’t come immediately so the parent says,”One…….Two………Three.” to get Billy to come.
Have you ever done this? Everyone knows Billy better start running either at or before his mom hits the number three or else Mom could turn into a monster.
As I travel around, I notice counting to three as possibly the most common parenting control method. Counting has it’s place in parenting, but the counting in the above story is either a threat, a power struggle, or a sign of a parent who doesn’t real
Have You Ever Done This? Read More »
TSG with older children
My children range from 30 -7 and there are 13 of them. I am wondering how you start this with your older children and how you brought your husband on board.
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Sneaky Six Year Old
…my 6 year old is up to his old tricks. He
LOVED following instructions when I first started concentrating on this.
But, today, he became his regular difficult self. He hasn’t been
following instructions and when I tell him he’s earned a chore, he won’t
do the chore. And when I try the Rule of 3, he’ll calm down and then
still won’t follow through with his chores.
He has tried to solicit help from me (while I’m trying to make dinner for him)–I told him I’d like to
help him, but I have to make dinner right now. Then, he just starts goofing off with the r
Sneaky Six Year Old Read More »
A comment for At Wits End
This comment is definately realavent to the previous post. This was a great response. I couldn’t have said it better myself!
One thing Nicholeen didn’t mention was that this mom should try hard to find the positives in your son. It sounds like she can only think of negatives associated with her son right now. Of course that is part of teaching self-government, praising at a rate of 5 or 6 to 1 criticism.
I can totally relate because I do have a child that drives me crazy and I tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives.
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At Wit’s End…
I have a 14yo son who I cannot deal with any more. It isn’t a new thing. He’s my oldest and ever since he was little I have felt like I can’t deal with him. He is defiant, impulsive, selfish, and almost any other negative thing I can think of. When he sees how emotional his behavior makes me he feels guilty and apologizes and tries to do better for a little while but it doesn’t last.
We’ve tried to set up self-government. We made a family mission statement but he won’t agree to it. He won’t agree to any consequences we vote on.
The Power Within Us!
Everything I teach in my home leads to duty and then VOICE. Because, how can you be a leader in this world and not have any voice, or way to lead people? Even example is a form of voice. We need to all be walking messages for what we believe. Someone who tries to be politically correct all of the tim
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Lies. How do I know?
Thanks for your post. It gave me a lot to think about. The one part I am still unsure about (and I know I just need to take it to prayer) is about treating them as if they have lied even when you just suspect it. I find myself wondering whether I am unfairly accusing or if I am wrong when I feel like I am probably being lied to. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t gain my trust no matter what he does and that I expect the worst from him. I don’t want him to feel like he can lie and get away with it either though.
Therapy? Lying? Attention seeking?
I have one son who doesn’t seem to be responding much to the changes in our family, and I am starting to worry about him. I know you have dealt with many children who have come from dysfunctional situations and maybe even need counseling. I am wondering if there is a way to tell if this child needs counseling or if I just need to continue doing what we are doing and hope that it is making a difference little by little. He is 10.
The main issues we are having with him are lying and a tendency to constantly look for and feel pity for himself. He has been difficult since the b
Therapy? Lying? Attention seeking? Read More »
Tantrums, Time-Out and Tired Moms
Hi, I am a tired mom who is really trying very hard to have all the time and the spirit in our home. I have 2 kids. My lovely daughter, is freshly 4 years old and my sweet son, is 20 months old. Ours days are packed with action. In our family meeting we discuss consequences for most of the situations… but my daughter always suggests and votes for the time-out. Well I agree that time-out is appropriate for the little one .
Tantrums, Time-Out and Tired Moms Read More »
SODAS?
With the SODAS – do you only use these when you see a problem, or do you do them randomly and/or on a regular basis?
I use SODAS whenever I think we practice problem solving, but especially if we have had a problem problem solving. 😉 I start my small children out problem solving by playing the What If? game. While driving in the car etc. I say, ‘What if……………what would you do?” They love it and get in the habit of problem solving.
What about lying?
I was asked how I handle lying. This is a very common problem with children who are trying to gain control of their lives and other people.
In the past I have written many posts on lying. Two posts which may especially be helpful are “Communicating Honestly” And “Honesty“. If you type these words into the light blue bar at the top right of this page and you will find them. In fact you will find any post that mentions honesty in it. I hope thi
Voice Raising and Critical Attitude
I walked out of the room and was faced with disrespectful behavior…voice raising and critical attitude for no apparent reason….It made me glad I can look forward to the publishing of your book! I am starting to chalk this type of behavior up to “Not following instructions” based on the instruction to “Treat others with respect and kindness.”
You could either call it “Not Following Instructions,” or you could call it “Not Disagreeing Appropriately.” Either way would work for a corrective teaching. However, I try to teach to “Not Disagreeing Appropriately” whenev
Voice Raising and Critical Attitude Read More »
“I didn’t hear you.”
What about when they say, “I didn’t hear you” as their reason/excuse for not following instructions…but you think they must have?
“I didn’t hear you.” Read More »
Comment on chores…
Thank you–this was very helpful! One more question. . .On the specifics, like letting the children know chores are a “standing instruction”, the children having to make up the time if you do the chore for them, the time period allowed for chores to be done, or the 30 minutes for a dishonest chore, how did you determine these and then teach/tell your children about what would happen?
Comment on chores… Read More »
Are Chores Instructions too?
I know you’ve written posts about chores before, but I can’t seem to find them on your website. So I’ll ask my questions, and maybe you can direct me to the proper posts if you’ve already answered them! Are the everyday chores that kids have a “standing instruction?” In other words, if they don’t do their chores or have to be reminded to do them, are they not following instructions, and would they start earning consequences?
Yes. Any responsibility your child has, such as a chore or school work, is an instruction. The term “standing instruction” is perfect fo
Are Chores Instructions too? Read More »
Christmas Character Building
Samuel Smiles said, “Worst of all are the grumblers and growlers at fortune–who find that whatever is, is wrong,” or not enough.
Quiet a few years ago, we had a Christmas day that changed all the Christmas days to come. We had a nice large Christmas with lots of presents for the children. The children opened their presents, and then the grandparents came over with gifts. After opening a present from a grandparent, one of my children said, “Is that all?”
I about died! Not only was this a huge social no-no, but my child was behaving very selfishly and that was unacceptable. This kin
Christmas Character Building Read More »
Learning from the Dutch
Before the United States of America even existed, there were these colonies of many different people from different lands. One of these colonies was called New Amsterdam. The Dutch people settled this colony. They were a happy people who enjoyed life. The king of the Netherlands left the New Amsterdam colony to govern itself, and for a while they did OK. They made good roads and homes and a popular sea port. The port of New Amsterdam was one of the biggest trade centers in America.
After a while of governing themselves, and having no real rules, the citizens of New Amsterdam became
Learning from the Dutch Read More »
Time-out for youngsters tip
One more tip for making time-out effective.
If your son doesn’t say OK to anything, take him to time-out. If you say NO, and he whines, he goes to time-out. If you tell him to do something, and he doesn’t say, OK, he goes to time-out. If he hurts another person, he goes to time-out. He needs to get really used to going to time-out. The more he goes, the more he will recognize that time-out is the place to calm down and then talk, and that the sooner he does that the sooner life is good again.
Time-out for youngsters tip Read More »
Out of Control on Time-out
“My almost 3 yo fights and kicks and cries when I take him to time-out (I have to carry him there), and then cries very loudly and even will scream at me when I’m telling him that he needs to stay there until he can become happy. My husband thinks all of this is very disrespectful and feels that we need to spank him or do something different so that my son doesn’t do this. He thinks I am teaching my son that it’s okay to fight me and scream at me. What do you think?”
I understand your husband’s frustration, and yours. Your child is definitely “out of instruction
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Pre-teaching small children how to go to bed when asked
“I met you at your recent Stansbury Seminar. It was so great! I could have listened for days. I can’t get my daughter to stop sleeping in my bed. She is three years old, and I don’t think she should still be sleeping in my bed. No matter what I do, she has a fit if I try to enforce her sleeping in her own bed. “
Children wanting to share their parent’s bed is a very normal childhood desire. When I was young, I remember thinking that my parent’s bed was softer, warmer, and just more cozy than my bed was. It is good that our children want to be close to us, but
Pre-teaching small children how to go to bed when asked Read More »
My neighbors fight with my children…friend problems
My children love playing with the kids next door, but it seems that the neighbor kids do something rude/unkind every few weeks (or more often). I’m not naive enough to believe that my kids are always totally without blame, but I am good friends with mother of these kids, and she has told me several times that this is pretty normal behavior for her kids and that my kids don’t act like that. My kids (8 yo girl, 7 yo boy) have learned to pretty much just expect rude comments and behavior from the 9 yo neighbor boy and don’t have a lot to do with him anymore, but the 8 yo old girl
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Dealing with Friends part 4
How do you help your children stand up for what’s right without being “preachy” or “goody-goody”?
The most importantskill you can teach your child is how to determine what is right and what is wrong and how to choose right and stay away from wrong. This is the whole reason children need parents. If my child can’t match his outfits, doesn’t know how to do mathematics well, never changes his bed sheets, ortalks with his mouth full, it doesn’t really matter at all if he has mastered how to discern between what is right and what is wrong and chooses to follow right.
Dealing with Friends part 4 Read More »
Dealing with Friends part 3
How do you help your children respond appropriately to unkind behavior and deal with conflicts?
I am assuming this question is referring to conflicts with friends and not siblings, although the conflicts aren’t too much different. In fact, in most cases if we all treated each other like friends instead of siblings, we would all be much nicer to each other. For some reason, most people treat strangers, and friends way better than fami
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Dealing with Friends part 2
“How do these things change as your children get older?”
Too much friend time makes children selfish. Children who are around peers too often start to think more about their peers than their family. This focus on self encourages them to with draw from family.
If children have limited contact with peers when they are young, they will most likely not become dependent upon having friends around for their happiness. The last thing I want is a child who thinks that their happiness comes from something or someone else. Happiness comes from inside us all, and for
Dealing with Friends part 2 Read More »
Dealing with Friends
How often do your children play with friends, and under what conditions? How do these things change as your children get older? How do you help your children respond appropriately to unkind behavior and deal with conflicts? How do you help your children stand up for what’s right without being “preachy” or “goody-goody”?
These great questions about friends will take a few days to answer. The answer to the first question is below.
“How often do your children play wi
Dealing with Friends Read More »
But she won’t do it!
“What do you do if a child is punished with a chore and they refuse to do it (no matter how much time you spend in the same room with the child)? Child in question is 8 years old.”
This sounds like a cause of much frustration in the home. I can imagine in would be.
One person can’t MAKE another person want to follow an instruction. Each person has the responsibility to decide for herself.
That said, this is how I look at this situation. If a child earns a negative consequence, I do a corrective teaching (see steps). If the child will not accept the cons
But she won’t do it! Read More »
Screaming part 2
On September 11th I wrote a post titled “For Crying out Loud ~ Screaming” This was the first screaming post. I am now adding another part to screaming, because I have another question.
My almost-5-year-old has always been a screamer. He screams this
high-pitched, shrill, grating scream whenever he doesn’t like
something that’s going on — which is often. This screaming pushes
my buttons like nothing else does. I HATE it, and I’m afraid I’ve
reacted to it too strongly and too wrongly, for too long.
So, is this kind of screaming a normal thing for a kid before he ge
What should I expect?
“I’m having trouble figuring out what behavior is
“normal” for my 4- and 8-year-old boys, what chores I can expect them
to be able to perform, and what kinds of rewards and consequences
work for the different ages. Is there a good book you can suggest?
Or is that something I need to tailor for my own boys (i.e.
What should I expect? Read More »
Out of Instructional control behavior
“You mention in “Intensive Teaching/Rule of Three that if a child is
“out of instructional control”, that if the child chooses not to
follow an instruction, he/she “…
Out of Instructional control behavior Read More »
Impulsivness, ADHD and consequences
“My son has ADHD…My main concerns are the impulsiveness…and the fighting with his brothers- he literally cannot walk past without hitting them, punching them, teasing them. Car rides can be a real nightmare. (The therapist says “just leave him home sometime”— yah- he’s 6 years old, I can’t just leave him home alone, and leaving him with a neighbor would reward him for misbehaving in the car- ugg). Needless to say- we stay home a lot.”
I have had many youth, with many impulses, come to live with me. Each one is uniquely diff
Impulsivness, ADHD and consequences Read More »
What consequences do small children earn?
“In your house, what are the privileges that are taken away when they lose ‘everything’ for 24 hours? At what age can they understand that? Or, what do you do with very little ones who are testing boundaries (and throwing fits) but can’t really do chores or understand losing things? I don’t know if my 29 month old could put the two together, behavior wise. I can’t really make him do chores or lose privileges as a teaching tool for him, but I do see him disobeying on purpose to test me. My almost-4 year old could understand losing privileges as a consequence, but I don’t
What consequences do small children earn? Read More »
I’m hurt Mom…
“I’ve just been wondering about how to respond appropriately when my children get hurt. I don’t want to be unsympathetic or cruel, but how do you respond if it’s something you have pointed out they shouldn’t do or they might get hurt, or they are disobeying a rule (like not running in the house or not jumping on/off furniture) and they get hurt doing it anyway? What about when they get hurt because of a sibling or other child hitting or misbehaving? What about when it’s just an accident? I’ve noticed that around some people, children seem to try to “milk” the situation when t
Time for Mom & Toddlers who won’t rest
There are some great questions in some of the recent comments.
“…Most women I know are neglecting taking care of themselves on some level (physical or spiritual) to take care of their families or other obligations. Personally, I have been struggling lately to try to find some time for myself on a daily basis for things like scripture-reading, exercise, personal study time, and maybe a nap (I’m pregnant and tired!).
Time for Mom & Toddlers who won’t rest Read More »
Bad Habits
“Some of my kids have developed bad habits such as finger-sucking, nose picking (and eating it), fingernail chewing, and touching their genitals. Do you have any experience or advice on helping children successfully break these kinds of habits? Some of my children have started doing such things from the time they are babies (finger-sucking), or have developed the habits a little later at around age 3 or so. And one daughter in particular seems particularly prone to this type of thing (she’s eight now).”
I did have some youth who had behaviors which are not social
Look “em” in the eyes
We close the end of each day with a prayer as a family. This is a time of reverence and quiet. Tonight my four year old son was a little bit hyper. Normally as soon as prayer begins everyone is silent and part of the moment, so we began prayer. During the prayer he started laughing and joking. He thought that he was pretty funny. This kind of behavior is considered disrespectful and is inappropriate for this time of day.
After the prayer I noticed that my son wasn’t in any mood to be taught yet, so I told him to go sit on time out for a few minutes.
When he finished with time out
Look “em” in the eyes Read More »
Effective use of consequences
“On your CDs you mention coming up with three predetermined consequences–a minor consequence, a major consequence, and a big whammy, but throughout the presentations it sounded like you gave examples of more than three consequences (1-extra chore, 2-loss of snack privileges, 3-24 hours of working/no privileges, 4-SODAS, 5-major maintenance). I was a little confused since all the consequences you mentioned sounded like they were ones you had predetermined (not just ones that you’d agreed on in a family meeting to deal with other issues). Do you have more than three predetermine
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For Crying out Loud ~Screaming
“I have listened to the cd’s from your mini-seminar at our LDSEHE conference. I am so amazed at your system! I can see how it would work wonderfully in my home – especially with my 3 older children. My fourth child is turning 2 Saturday. I love her! She is so cute and so smart and very spirited. She is my first screamer squealer and it is driving me bananas! Especially in the car. I don’t feel she can be reasoned with but she does understand some of what I say. How would you recommend teaching her that screaming and squealing is not part of our vision!
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Should 3 year old lose privileges for 24 hours too?
“How do you take away all privileges from younger kids? My 3.5 year old is really pushing… This post was the first time I really understood the “lose all privileges for 24 hours” thing. I can figure out how to do that with my 6 and 8 year olds, but the younger ones, I just can’t see it. Can you give me a visual please?
Should 3 year old lose privileges for 24 hours too? Read More »
What do you do when…?
“How do you go about rewarding the kids who did not lose privileges in a way that the child who chose to lose his privileges looks at his own behavior as the cause of him missing out, instead of just feeling like mom is out to get him and wants him to be sad? Even though I try to point out how the child is the one that made the choice, I have one kid in particular that only becomes bitter about these kinds of things and feels like we are happy when he gets into trouble and doesn’t get to have things. Part of this may be due to how we have handled things in the past, trying to p
What do you do when…? Read More »
Honesty
“I have two boys ages 7 and 4. My 7yo has developed a couple problems: stealing and lying. I think that I/we have been making the problem worse in the way we have handled it. We also have a HUGE problem with not minding. He is a very stubborn child and will not help us when trying to come up with consequences for his actions. He says either, “I don’t know” or “give me a spanking” or something like that. Those are NOT working, he seems to get worse with each consequence.
Mom’s hang-up
“Thanks so much for all the wisdom and inspiration you share. I have a son (age 11) who zapps so much emotional energy from me. Over the last several months, I’ve really been trying to see things as they are and trying to determine how to handle things. He is a great kid. He’s the first one to help a younger sibling who is hurt or to give up his ice cream cone is one of his younger siblings dropped theirs. He is also the one who complains the most, rolls his eyes back into his head and gets “that look” when things do not go his way. I know that he is often “out of instructi
Using the Rule of Three
“Another question I had was, does the rule of 3 start over for each incident? Are the 3 consequences for staying out of instructional control as relating to the first incident? I just want to make sure I understand correctly. So if a child hits his brother, and gets out of instructional control and has the consequences for that earlier in the day, and then later disobeys about something different, the rule of 3 would start over for the later incident, correct? Consequences aren’t cumulative for different offenses, so that because the child got to SODAS with hitting his brothe
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Should I Medicate?
“Help! I’ve been browing your website for a couple of days. Trying to find some answers- If I had the $ I’d be sending for the cd’s. But it’s not in the budget right now. I’m totally at my wits end with my 6 yr old.
I don’t know what else to do. He is ADHD- We’ve had him in with a counselor, and I have an appointment to talk about meds this afternoon. I don’t want to do meds for adhd, but I have to try something, because everything I’ve tried isn’t working. He’s only 6! I really don’t want to do meds, but I don’t know what else to try.
Should I Medicate? Read More »
Too many reminders?
“With young children like my 3 yr old, I am very tempted to give at least one reminder, another chance, before they get a consequence. So if he starts to whine and say no to an instruction, I remind him of each of the steps and encourage him to do them. Is this teaching him that it is ok to whine first and not to start out with the appropriate response? Or is it just pre-teaching? Is there a limit to how many times pre-teaching should happen? How can I tell if I am trying to govern him or just pre-teaching and giving him a chance to understand what choice he is making?”
Too many reminders? Read More »
Rationales that Matter
“Coming up with rationales that matter to my kids is very difficult for me! Do you have any tips on this?”
Rationales that Matter Read More »
Fights? continued
“…so in the course of asking from youngest to oldest their account of what happened, do their accounts factor in the consequences they receive? Because all of them are disrupting the family feeling and not communicating well with each other, so because of that they earn a consequence. But what if one was more a victim and one was more of a perpetrator (based on what you can deduct from their stories)? I guess I am wondering if there is a purpose to hearing their stories other than letting them feel heard and calm down, or if the content of their stories re
Fights?
“When your kids are fighting, do you try to instruct them in the middle of that? I often try to intervene but maybe too often – they don’t seem to be learning to problem solve with each-other rather than tattling and trying to get Mom to settle things in their favor. I honestly don’t know what would happen if I let my kids continue to fight until it blows over or comes to blows, I usually step in and separate them before I can see how they would solve the problem. I know they are generally out of instructional control when they are fighting, so anything I tell them at that poi
Respectful play
“I have an 8 year old boy and a 6 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. One of the most frustrating things for me is when I’m trying to talk to my boys and give instructions and they ignore me by rough housing with each other or by joking and laughing at each other or at me. What do you do when you ask them to do something in a kind, yet serious way, and they say “no” or laugh and joke around? I feel like they are showing no respect for me in this situation and I get very frustrated and even angry.
A comment
In case some of you don’t look at the comments, I wanted to share this one.
“I definitely relate to this mother’s feelings. It is really overwhelming to implement this new system and I make mistakes all the time. I’m also finding that I’m less diligent as time goes on and so it helps me to read all the advice here so I can “keep swimming” and not give up. I keep thinking of your words on the CD that it takes work to set this up and we have to be willing to do the hard work. I know it is worth it. It has already made a big difference, I just need to keep trying and improving.
All at once?
“I first just want to thank you for the wonderful things you do. I attended the LDSEHE conference in Virginia in May and LOVED the classes I went to from you so much that I bought your CDs. Since then, I’ve listened to them over and over and over trying to en-grain it into my head and heart. My question to you is this: How do you start from scratch with a houseful of kids? I have 9 kiddos ages 12 to 9 mo. They are really good kids, but I’ve learned that I have done then a huge injustice by the way I’ve been parenting them. I am ready to change and increase the love and spi
Cleaning a Bedroom
How do you find a good consequence for a thre-year-old who won’t participate in cleaning a shared bedroom? This mother explained to me of her struggle with this issue. This is the advice I gave her.
Cleaning a Bedroom Read More »
Should I Pre-teach EVERY instruction?
This mother’s son has a hard time following instructions if there isn’t a pre-teach before every instruction. Does she have to pre-teach beforeeveryinstruction?
Should I Pre-teach EVERY instruction? Read More »
Strong Willed 3 Year Old
“I’m trying to figure out how to make this work for my 3 year old. He is very high spirited, very defiant and REALLY can’t take no for an answer. I struggle minute to minute with obedience and with whining and I worry that if I did things the same way I do them with my older children, only using time-outs, he would be in time-out constantly. Actually I don’t know if he would ever make it into time out if I waited for him to be calm first.
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Using The Bedroom As A Consequence
How does 24 hours loss of privilegeswork in your house? Let’s say a13 year old boydoesn’t want to get on board. Buthe shouldn’t be allowed to just hole up in his room away from the rest of the family!However, I have foundthat sending him to sit on his bed is the most effective thingthat can be done.
Consequences are so individual. I don’t expe
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Time-Out Talk
I should have corrected him right there, but for some reason, I let him whine at me. It is always better to correct all negative behaviors as soon as possible.
Is Hovering Necessary?
Hovering gives a message of not trusting. Ifhe thinks that you don’t trust him,he will think of himself as a dishonest person based upon your behaviors. Hovering is also a form of a power struggle. So, if you shouldn’t hover over a child to make sure that he follows through with earned consequences, or instructions that have been given, what should you do to change the behavior?
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What Are Your Successes? Part One
Stories of success from others is always a good boost of confidence for ourselves. If you have success stories, feel free to share! We love you hear how Teaching Self-Government is going for you! Here’s some that we’ve gotten.
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He Won’t Clean His Room?
I’m having trouble figuring out a good consequence beyond time out for my 3 yr old. He and his brother who just turned 6 share a room. I gave them an instruction to clean their room this morning, and he left the room to play with toys before it was done.He went into time out nicely, and loved being praised for being good in time out after his 3 minutes were up. He promised to finished cleaning. But then he did it again. We repeated the process and he had a second time out, but he left time out before the time was up. Is it bad to use the same consquence twice in a row? Do consequences always need to get bigger?
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Do You See What I See?
Over the last year, my niece has gone through a change. The once happy, helpful girl changed into a whiny, depressed, girl that didn’t look at life the same. One day I got left home with the all the children whilethe adultswent shopping. While I was home with the children I started giving instructions for everyone to clean things up around the house. My niece started arguing with me, then she started whining, then she started complaining about everything in her life and told me that I just didn’t understand her. This is how I handled it…
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Speed Things Up
“My daughter takes 10 minutes to actually say ‘OK’ to an instruction. How do I speed things up?”
If it’s taking 10 minutes for the daughter to say “Okay” to an instruction, then she is having a power struggle and isn’t actually following the instruction. how could you do it better?
The Why’s To Disagreeing Appropriately
When I see my children are getting frustrated, I gently remind them that they can disagree appropriately. I even tell my children exactly how to disagree with ME sometimes. The point of the skill is to learn how to stop emotion and problem solve instead of get upset, and to learn when it’s a good time to appropriately disagree.
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When To Give Consequences And Do Corrections
When andhow do yougiveconsequences? For example,if youinstruct yourson to go clean his room (assuming you’ve prepped him for accepting a consequence) and he whines and says, “I don’t want to do it right now.” What do you say?
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Establishing Consequences
“…We taught the 4 basic skills and the kids had a lot of funrole-playing the way to respond to the different situations, they especially loved disagreeing appropriately! 🙂 Well, I hadn’t determined what our consequences were going to be yet so I told them we would just practice the 4 basic skills this week. I’ve learned from this that it is essential to have consequences established or there is no motivation to respond correctly…”
Why is it so important to have established consequences?
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Should They Fight it Out?
There are sometimes when an argument is a natural consequence of a bad behavior. Do I stand back and let them or continue to be a referee between them?
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Why Not?
I instructed my daughter to sweep the floor. She said, “OK Mom, but I don’t know how.”
This surprised me. She had seen me sweep the floor so many times, that I forgot she might not even know how to accomplish the task.So, I told her exactly how to do it. It’s needs to be the same when telling your child what to say.
About S.O.D.A.S.
Recently, I have had a number of emails asking questions about how to use SODAS. If you aren’t aware, SODAS are a problem solving exercise that I learned how to use while working for the Utah Youth Village. The exercises are wonderful for teaching the children and youth that there are always other options to choose during situations. A question:
I am struggling with SODAS… Can the kids use them to earn back privileges? My kids are still all in the oral SODA phase as none of them really write yet, although the 8 year old is getting close (but she’s not going to like th
Helping Young Children Accept “No” Answers
“Nicholeen, I was wondering how you teach these principles to the younger children. My children are (almost) 8, (almost) 6, 3.5, 20 months, and a 2 week old. (not that I expect to be doing this with the newborn right away. *grin* ) I can usually expect my older two to follow instructions, but the 3 year old and 20 month olds do not. I realize that the 20 month old is still learning, and “no” is her favorite word.
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Certain Consequences For Certain Behaviors
A blog reader wrote:
1 – We don’t have a “rule” or certain consequence set up for every behavior in the book (nor do we want so many specific rules!) So, I’m wondering if “just-plain-not-doing-what-you-know-you-should” (be kind, be respectful, be responsible, be honest, don’t hit, tease, talk back, etc.) would be considered “not following instructions”, and would it then be followed up with the usual – an extra job, followed by SODAS, then major maintenance, and 24 hours without privileges…? Or is it better to assign certain consequences to certain behaviors?
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When Is It Tattling?
“I agree that there are definitely times I want my kids to tell me about what’s been happening, and you mentioned that you make sure your foster kids know the difference between the two–how do you that? Sometimes it’s really hard for ME to tell when it’s reporting, and when it’s tattling. Besides physically hurting one another, would you want your kids to report things like teasing, saying unkind things or rude words, not helping with a chore that everyone has been given to do together, or taking a toy from someone?”
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Poopy Pants and Tantrums
Nicholeen,
I have one problem I have not figured out how to resolve. My son (6)is a great kid, but there is one thing that sets him off every time to the point that he hits, kicks, screams, says unkind things, and basically acts like the whole world is against him so why try. This happens every time without fail when he is caught with poopy pants.
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Are You Assertive?
If you are going to effectively learn how to govern yourself, you have to be assertive. Teaching Self Government is essentially teaching how to act assertively as oppose to agressively or passively. Are you assertive? Take this test. You are in line at a grocery store and someone steps in front of you in line. Do you think bad thoughts about the person but choose not to say anything because it would feel uncomfortable? Do you say, “Excuse me sir, but I am in line. The back of the line is over there. Could you move to the back of th
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“It’s Time To Go To Bed.”
Nicholeen, I have a 9-year old boy. He is a typical 9-year old boy, I believe, in that his mind (and mouth) is constantly going 200 miles an hour. His siblings are always waiting for him to stop talking so they can get a word in edgewise. He is full of ideas and loves to take things apart. We are having a problem with bedtime. He goes to bed just fine, but once there, he won’t go to sleep. We let him read for about 15-30 minutes once he’s in bed, then we come down and turn the lights out (for him and his younger brother who is 4).
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Tell Them What to Say
Even after we teach our children how to follow an instruction or how to accept a NO answer, our children will sometimes forget that they can choose to say, “OK”. The other day I told my son that he needed to clean his room. I could tell that he didn’t want to do the task. His face started to pout. The second I saw this, I said, “Porter, say OK.” He looked right at me and said, “OK!” Then I praised him. It is alright to tell them exactly what to say. This helps them problem solve the very situation they are in. The child then gets the opportunity to see how easy it is to make the rig
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Powerful Pre-teaching
I thought this comment was worth sharing on the front page. ~Nicholeen
I just wanted to share a neat little conversation with 10yod tonight while we were cleaning the dinner dishes. She said, “You know that when you ask 4yod and 6yos to like, go make their bed. They whine and don’t want to do it, but if you say, ‘William, I’m going to give you an instruction. Please go make your bed.’ Than they say ‘OK’ and go do it right away.!” I praised her tons for making and sharing this observation and we talked about how interesting that was. I think the difference is that we practice
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Fixing Things With Father
I received a question from a mother who is struggling with her husband not being motivated or involved in family life. This is OUR response.
Dear Motivated Mother:
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