“I am not a teenager and here’s why…” said a group of youth one day during a discussion on the article by Dr. Michael Platt, The Myth Of The Teenager. One after one each of the group of fifteen or so youth declared why they were not or would not be teenagers.
Becoming A Youth: The Answer To Teenager Problems Read More »
One Sunday our family attended a rare, two hour long church meeting. My children are very used to sitting quietly through one hour church meetings, but sometimes they struggle a little bit on a two hour meeting.
About three quarters through the meeting this past Sunday my eight year old son asked if he could go to the bathroom.
Children Who Can’t Sit Still Cure: Problem Solving Activities Read More »
Interview with a parenting expert part 3
This is part three of the three part series on Teaching Children Self-Government I did with Family Therapist, BJ Stober, host of Family Voice Talk Radio.
In this segment we talk about helping teens figure out ways to decrease computer time. A question was asked presented stating that children are often forced to have lots of computer time by school etc. So, they wanted to know how to find a balance.
For the remainder of the call we talked about making a fam
Interview With Nicholeen Peck Part #3: Making a Family Government Read More »
People often ask me how to be calm when someone else isn’t. Without calmness self-government is impossible. In part 2 of 3 parts on the Family Voice Talk Radio with family therapist, BJ Stober we talked about calmness and answered many parenting questions.
Here is a link to the video recording of the show.
Next week the show
Interview With Nicholeen Peck #2: Calmness Tips Read More »
BJ Stober, family therapist and hostess of Family Voice Talk Radio, interviewed Nicholeen Peck on April 19, 2012 about strict parenting. This is a link to the audio/video version of the show.
Nicholeen discussed different ways to parent and how what to focus on in order to break bad parenting habits.
Be sure to listen for the 10 Things Parents Need To Know to teach their children self-government.
Interiew With Nicholeen Peck: Strict Parenting Read More »
Dealing with tantrums is the part of parenting which most parents dread. They hope their sweet little baby will not ever hit the toddler tantrum phase or the even worse teenage temper tantrum phase.
As a young mother, I was just as afraid of toddler tantrums as the next person.
Help My Out Of Control Kid!: How To Handle Temper Tantrums Read More »
What does “living a lie” mean? It is when we believe something that is not true and which controls our thoughts, feelings, and other beliefs. For example, when I was pregnant with our first child, I would sit in church and notice that a boy was wearing white socks with a suit, and I thought, “My son would never do that,” or a little child with a dirty face, and I thought, “My children will have clean faces in church”.
Parenting Myths: Living A Lie VS Parenting Facts Read More »
Changing family structure can be difficult. Our parenting habits probably started in our childhood. And, even when we promised we wouldn’t do the same thing, practice the same negative parenting styles, we don’t always know a different way. There are multiples types of family structures out there to choose from.Since there are many some parents can get overwhelmed.
How do parents know if the chosen structure will actually work?
Nicholeen and Spencer Peck
Family Structure Definition: Nicholeen Peck on TV Read More »
A Mother’s Question About Building Self Esteem In Children
“Emma said to me at bedtime that she thinks that she’s ugly. I’m not exactly sure where she heard this since I’m always telling her how cute she is, but what would you say to your kids if they said that?”
Improving Self Esteem: How To Build Self Confidence In Children Read More »
The Parenting Question
Justice or mercy? That is the question. When your child gets frustrated at his sister and hits her does he need justice or mercy? When your youth comes home from a date after curfew does she need justice or mercy? How do parents balance these two truths? Which principles are the parent secrets for raising children? Is justice or mercy the key for how to become a good parent?
Positive Parenting: Justice or Mercy? Read More »
Recognizing good parenting principles is the easy part! Actually living them is something else entirely.
I know none of us want to admit it, but it is really easy to become a lazy mother or a lazy father in today’s fast paced society. What can we do to keep in touch with our own parenting?
In this conference call segment I talk about the most popular kind of parenting in the world today; pedantic parenting.
Do As I Say, Not As I Do. Parenting Radio! Read More »
Situation One
A mother says, “Alice I need you to take out the garbage.”
Alice rolls her eyes and walks away. She has obviously made up her mind not to follow the instruction.
How To Correct Children: Inviting Good Behaviors Read More »
“Mom, I’m going to go to Zack’s to play basketball. Is that okay?” Quinton, age fifteen, announced this morning.
I replied, “Quin, you have things to do here at home today, so I don’t think we will have time for friends until another day.”
Quin really wanted to go shoot hoops with his friend. What fifteen year old boy doesn’t?
How To Stop Getting Angry: Relaxation Breathing Techniques Read More »
There are many ways to show love for family members. However, in our family, we don’t write to each other as much as we talk to each other or do acts of service. So, for one of our family activities we decided to make a family mail system.
You’ve Got Mail! Love Note Ideas Read More »
Question:
“How do you stop children from back talking?”
Answer:
Children talking back, or sassing, to their parents seems to be a behavior many children experiment with. At different phases of development feelings of independence and intelligence emerge causing kids to talk back.
“HI Nicholeen. I have the biggest problem in implementing your method… when
you give a consequence but they refuse to do it…???then WHAT?? I can give
them all the jobs they “earned” but can’t make them do it… WHAT then???This
is my biggest difficulty in implementing what I think is an amazing method…
comments? suggestions???
How To Get Children To Behave Read More »
This might seem off topic, but I don’t know if it really is. I think having motivated students is something all parents work for. The question was posed to me: Nicholeen, what do you do to prepare your teenage youth for academic success?
On a recent conference call I went into great detail on the subject. As a special treat I have the recording of that call to share with you today.
OT: How To Motivate Students To Learn Read More »
For years now people have talked about making family mission statements. In books and on blogs we hear about the principles behind making a family plan and get inspired to try new things at home.
However, statistically most people don’t actually make mission statements and use them even though they are inspired by the idea. Why?
Family Mission Statement Success: One Family’s Story Read More »
Eleven year old, Jacob, shares his New Years Resolutions ideas. I recently met Jacob’s family and helped them learn some self-government principles. When I came to visit a second time he showed me his inspiring idea of how to keep himself motivated and focused on his self-government goals.
Nicholeen’s Implementation Course for parents has all the rest of the videos made at the visit to Jacob’s family. In these videos we learn how to do problem solving exercises, how to do proper corrections, and how to do the Four Basic Skills. They were amazing on film.
11 Year Old Shares His Self-Government Resolutions Read More »
Good Kids Books:
“Do you have any book suggestions for helping my children learn to want to be obedient?”
Answer:
I was asked this question a couple of years ago, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t answer it. I didn’t know of any must have kids books which would teach children the kinds of self-government skills they need to be happy obedient children.
Good Childrens Books? A Must Have Book For Families! Read More »
Question:
“Is it possible to spoil children at Christmas? It seems like my children never stop asking for stuff during the holidays. How do you know if your children are spoiled?”
Answer:
Spoiled Rotten? The Christmas Cure! Read More »
[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGKZXQd0G0I] Last week my post was about sibling rivalry. Here is a movie which shows how knowing to disagree appropriately is a skill which helps sibling rivalry.
This sibling rivalry solution video was filmed while I was doing some private self-government teaching for a family. I thought the children did very well with their new skills! It is hard to learn new stuff. But, both children will have much more happiness now that they understand that disagreeing appropriately is for their relationsh
Sibling Rivalry Movie: Computer Fights Read More »
Questions: Children Fighting
“Any tips on dealing with sibling rivalry? Homeschooling is not productive due to this issue.”
“My children seem to fight about everything. Most of the stuff is stupid, like whose turn it is to sit in the front seat, or who gets what place to watch a movie. Is this just normal sibling rivalry they will grow out of, or is this something I can fix? Please help!”
Is is possible to be siblings without rivalry?
Answer:
Sibling Rivalry: How To Stop Children From Fighting Read More »
Traditions establish identity. I don’t know a person who isn’t proud of their family traditions. Those traditions make us who we are. They teach us what “the good life” looks like and create feelings of unity and love which instill desires for more family experiences and deeper relationships. Traditions give us hope for our futures.
Great Thanksgiving Traditions: Showing Gratitude Read More »
The Question:
“Nicholeen,
I have been working really hard at having self-government with my
spouse and children, but I don’t see how to have self-government with
people in my extended family who are extremely difficult. Also, I am
not their mother. How do you deal with difficult family members?
What do you suggest?”
Answer:
Dealing With Difficult Family Members? Read More »
The Question:
“Nicholeen,
what do you do for Halloween? It seems like such a dark holiday, and
I really don’t like participating.”
My Answer:
I love the quote, “Bring your
children up in light and truth.” That is the rule
I follow regarding Halloween.
Halloween: Two Ways To View The Holiday Read More »
A few years ago I noticed a new sign posted at our local swimming pool. The sign read, “Absolutely no cell phone use in the locker rooms!”
At first, when I saw the sign I felt like some of my rights had been taken away or something. It felt like I was being controlled.
Teenagers And Cell Phone Use: Warning! Read More »
Paying Children Allowances
At the Peck house we don’t pay allowance. We also don’t pay for chores to be done. Here’s why and what some other people think about the issue.
We have two businesses we own and offer our children real work opportunities. They help Dad dig holes at plumbing jobs and help Mom do shipping of books etc.
Paying Children Allowances Read More »
“Nicholeen, I can’t seem to correct my 16 year old son without him getting upset. He rolls his eyes and looks away from me. He just seems to have a wall surrounding him that none of us can penetrate. I know I am not the calmest parent either, but there must be something I can say to get his attention or something.
Talking To Teenagers: Three Tips Read More »
“Nicholeen,
Can you share your family chore chart with us?”
My chore chart system is really quite easy. Over the years I have had different kinds of chore chart systems depending on the age of my child. I have had toddler chore charts, kid chore charts, and chore charts for teenagers.
Free Printable Chore Charts: For Children and Teenagers Read More »
Question:
“I just purchased your book online. I am excited to read it. I am a mother
of 3 boys, 16, 13, and 11. Years ago we got each boy his own alarm clock &
talked about being responsible for getting himself up in the morning. Since
Wii time in our home isn’t free for the taking, we told them that this would
be how they could earn Wii time, by setting their own alarm, getting up on
thei
Difficulty Waking Up Read More »
This video is hilarious, but also extremely educational for parents.
Funny Parenting: Eye Opening If You Look Deep! Read More »
Have you ever heard that old phrase about how dogs can “smell fear?” Well, dogs aren’t the only ones who can smell fear; children can too. Children know the moment they have you. They know when mom is out of ideas and dad is ready to explode. They know.
All people are born with this kind of sense about other people, so it is natural for children to consider it as valuable as seeing or tasting.
They Can Smell It: Parenting Videos Read More »
(A Story From My Life)
It’s Monday morning and mom is ready to start the week out right. After a summer full of going here and there it is time for family structure again.
“Time to clean your rooms everyone.” Mom says with a smile.
Help For Messy Bedrooms Read More »
We
live in very difficult times. Many people worry about what is on the
horizon, and what future adversities will come.
No
need to worry. Adversity shouldn’t be feared. It should be accepted
and embraced.
What! Adversity is good? Read More »
Last week I talked about how there are certain skills which are important to posess for social success. These skills are different from the self-government skills I teach in myParenting A House United
Social Success: Too Little Friend Time Part 2 Read More »
Can You Have Too Little Friend Time?
“ Importance of Child Development: Are Friends Essential? Part 1 Read More »
For years now people have emailed me questions about what to do about a child who won’t practice piano when told to. My children don’t have that problem because of how I began piano with them. The secret to having children enjoy practice time is in giving the child more ownership and less anxiety. This video shows how I work with my children when they are small.
[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h33Xk-fK0KY&feature=player_embedded]Getting Children To Practice Piano Read More »
Last week I wrote an article which generated a lot of discussion called Can Too Much Friend Time Hurt Children? Since I received so many emails about the topic I feel it is important to address it again. Some people expressed thanks, and others confusion.
Too Much Friend Time Part 2: Making Confident Children Read More »
“Nicholeen, can my child have too much friend time? I have noticed that he begs for it all the time, but doesn’t really want to play with his brothers and sisters that much. What should I do?”
As many of you know, in my Audio seminar and book, Parenting A House United, I talk about how children usually tell you exactly what they don’t need by asking for it all the time.
Just like if my child keeps begging me for junk food, I know he needs health
Can Too Much Friend Time Hurt Children? Read More »
By: Nicholeen Peck & Heidi Schultz (of www.franticallysimple.com )
Dont’ let this title fool you. Heidi found out principles which work for all size families! She just happens to only have one child.
Raising An Only Child: Successful Parenting Principles Which Work! Read More »
“Mrs. Peck, I am afraid I can’t believe in God.”
“What do you mean? How do you know?”
“I just don’t do things I should do and I do some things girls my age shouldn’t do…”
“What are you doing that you shouldn’t do?” I asked
“I just…spend my free time with two guys I don’t know…we just use facebook.
Keeping Teens Safe: The Internet Threat Read More »
Is it easier to tell children yes or no when they ask a question?
The answer to this question could depend on what kind of person you are.
Are the kind of parent who really likes to be in control of the goings on in the family and don’t like to be bothered with plans changing, outfits changing, or extra work for a new idea? If you are this kind of person you probably find it is easier to tell the children no when they ask to go play at a friends, finger paint, make cookies, or go swimming.
Yes Or No? ~Parent Choices Read More »
“I’ve been using the 4 basic skills with my children, ages 7 and 4. It has been such a help. Thank you, Nicholeen!
But I’m not sure what to do to help my 4 yo understand the concept of
disagree appropriately. It seems too complex for her. She will go
through the script and ask to dis. app. and do it, but she seems
genuinely confused that she doesn’t always get her way when she does
this. I try to let her get her way as much as possible when she
Accepting No After Disagreeing Appropriately Read More »
Each week I hold a special telephone mentor call for people who are enrolled in my Teaching Self-Government 10 Step Implementation Course. During these calls I personally answer people’s parenting questions. On this week’s call a very profound question was asked.
How To Stop Nagging? ~Help For Parents Read More »
Top 10 Videos of Frequently Asked Questions
Friends,
I get asked parenting questions all the time. Frequently, I get the same questions over and over again. So, I have taken the time to makevideo answersto thetop 10parentingquestionsI get asked. Take a few moments to take a look andshare them with your friends.
Top 10 Parenting Questions People Ask Read More »
“How do you maintain optimism in a depressing world? How do you teach your children to do the same?”
A Not-So-Pretend Story
[Another day of oatmeal for breakfast. I know it’s healthy, but some variety in our diet would be nice. When will the bills stop coming in? Medical bills, living expenses, debts we can’t pay. Don’t think about the money.
“Mom, can we go to the children’s museum? Mom, will you buy me a treat?”
Way To Be: Optimism Read More »
[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4oBy2L2-vE]This video has a few sync problems, but the message is still good. You may want to close your eyes as you listen. 😉
A parent’s work isn’t limited to working with our own children. Sometimes we are in situations when we are in charge of other people’s children. Occasions where this most likely happens are at church, when friends come over, at clubs, in school settings, and on outings. These times are enjoyable, but can also be complete disasters.
Classroom Behavior Problems Read More »
Have you ever been offended? It is impossible to go through life without experiencing that hurt which comes from a unkind word, or a questionable glance. When these things happen we are left to wonder and assume what the person really thinks of us and if they intended to offend. Children especially have a tendency
Taking Offense: Is It Tattling? Read More »
“One question my husband had was that when you have a consequence it is quite often an extra chore. His thought is that this would make the children hate doing chores, that they would never want to do a chore unless forced to because they were the means for discipline. Have you found this to
Structured Family: Work as a Consequence Read More »
My good friend, Jodie Palmer, sent me this cute anecdote which happened when they were role playing the Four Basic Skills with their children. “Our family has been playing the “instruction game” in the evenings before bed. We take turns giving each other instructions and then following them. Of course we have lot’s of clapping
Learning Behaviors: Teaching Skills To Children Read More »
How often do you pick up the slack for your children? Do you ask them to do a task and then later fix it or finish it for them? What do you do when you realize the task wasn’t done? Most parents just do it themselves with the attitude that if they want something done right, they have to do it themselves.
Parenting Help: Don’t Do It For Them Read More »
These videosof two cute children were sent to me by another amazing parent who has taught her children to love practicing good behaviors. The more children practice the right way, the more the right way will happen when it isn’t practice time. The second video is of a girl who used to have major tantrums all the time.
Smart Five Year Old! And, cute Tiger!!!
[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcOjbEiRiOU]
Teaching Children Respect: 2 Videos of Disagreeing Appropriately Read More »
Read about this amazing video on the next page! [video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEV-1UcyooQ&feature=player_embedded] Last week I asked for you to send me copies of some of the things you have done to implement Self-Government into your homes. The things I recieved were amazing! I can't wait until they are all available to you. In the mean time, take
Video: Two Year Old, Sam, Teaches The Four Basic Skills Read More »
“How do you parent a child who is red/yellow when you are a white/blue? My son and I are so entirely different and he’s so impulsive (almost destructive) that it completely shakes my world. I often find him sneaking downstairs and turning on the Wii (which we only permit on Friday and Saturday as a privilege).
Video Games Addiction: They Are Asking for Help Read More »
10 Years Old And Needs Calmness
“I love your book. In many ways, your book has helped our family. I am faced with a situation that I don’t know what to do about….My son is 10 years old and we have had him since he was a couple of days old. From a very young age he was incredibly difficult to deal with. He constantly seeks our attention. He steals, lies, destroys property, etc. We have alarms on all food and expensive items. He loses 24 hours of privileges at least once a week, often more than that. We were excited one week when he made it 5 days in a row without losing 24 hours. I have really given several parenting books/programs extremely good efforts to no avail. BCLC was the first time we saw hope but I found that he really needed consequences. We’ve been doing your program for a bit and while we are seeing some things really change, others are not changing. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times we do the same thing over and over, he still thinks a different outcome will happen.”
Trust In The Process
Lying, Stealing, and Negative Attention Seeking Read More »
Cause and effect is learned more effectively when the consequences, positive and negative, are practiced first. The example below is geared toward a parent with a toddler, but the principles can be applied to all ages and situations which need to be practiced and understood more.
“My two year old daughter likes to hit. She hits me, she hits my husband and she even hit’s the baby. No matter what I do nothing seems to work. Reasoning doesn’t really work with a two year old, so I am at a loss for what to do about this. I know I need to do something.”
Practicing The Right Way: Cause And Effect Parenting For Toddlers Who Hit And Others Read More »
Many people ask me when they should start teaching their children self government skills. It is never too early to start talking in a deliberate, describing way or to teach the word “okay.” Even the words “disagree appropriately” can be understood by most youngsters. My little almost 3 year old just asked if she could
Parenting Three Year Olds: They Really Understand Read More »
Teenage Attitude Problems Read More »
So many people ask me how to control their out of control children… A man I really admire named Jeffrey Holland said, “…the only real control in life is self control.” I couldn’t agree more. You can control the settings on your computer, and control the television choices that come into your home. You can control all the things on your Family Standard and you can control what your family eats for dinner, but you can’t control another person. No matter how hard you try and how much power you try to look like you have, the only person you can control is yourself. Since that is the case, we should capitalize on that power we have to control ourselves, or govern ourselves. If we
Real Control! -Help For Parents Read More »
“Just wondering what you do when a child denies doing something like this even though you know it was them or else they try to deceive you about it even though they know that no punishment will be given out for their mistake or wrongdoing if they are honest about it. How do you confront them and have them face up to their failures and take responsibility for their actions? My ds10 will get defensive whenever he does something wrong or makes a mistake he then will usually compound this by trying to lie or deceive his way out of it to save face. We end up punishing him for the lying and deceit when really it should have be a non issue if he had just been honest.””Any suggestions?”
There are three steps to handling this situation.
Step one; Make sure you are not accusing, but that you look and feel safe to talk to.
Step two: Pre-teach the situation before you say anything………….”Right now _________ just happened. I am going to ask you about your actions. If you choose to be honest about your actions you will not earn any negative consequences. (or you could have a positive consequence in place for being honest) However, if you are not honest then you will choose to earn
Teaching Honesty: What About Gray Area? Read More »
“My two oldest boys, ages 8 and 7 are really giving me a run………..I know that if I stay strong, it will all pay off.
We have a family mission statement, we have a job jar, we have been roll playing. They know what our “standards” are.
My 7 year old has had discipline “issues” for 1 and 1/2 weeks consistently every morning during “school time”. He gets so frustrated with me when I calmly let him know that he earned another “consequence” I make sure and tell him that I love him and I wish that he could join us for privileged free time. He assures me that he will try harder but the same things keep happening over and over. He is 7 and very wiggly and dreamy, and distracted. He even has been swearing which is NOT our family standard! I try to explain to him that if he has good control over his body and mouth during school time, he will earn privileges, but he just doesn’t learn…………Any tips?”
It sounds like you are doing pretty well at creating an environment for self-government in your home.
I hope your son is doing better now. If not read pages 66-69 in my book Parenting A House United. I am guessing you have it. This section goes over motivation for children who get themselves in a rutt.
Negative Consequence Rutt: Parenting Tips Read More »
I have attended your classes at home school conferences and bought the mp3;s. I am currently purchasing your book, however, I am in crisis. I have a 17 rd old son that has been homeschooled since fourth grade. We originally took him out due to severe depression. This is something he struggles with. He has always done well in school. He went to the public high school for his freshman year. He was top of the class academically but he hated every minute of it and we allowed him to come back to home school for the past two years.
About six months ago I could see that he was clinically depressed and we found a counselor to help us through that. It turns out he was introduced to pornography at school and became addicted and the guilt has caused him to lose about a year of his life. We are dealing with this issue and he is doing very well and continues to receive counseling with us.
The crisis is that he cant make a decision about anything in his life and he seems to have no self control. He wants us to tell him every little thing to do and takes no responsibility. He takes 8 hours to do simple science due to the fact that if I walk out of his earshot he will immediately waste time doing anything else. It is so frustrating that we have to literally babysit him and that he needs us to. I am at my wits end with him and feel like throwing in the towel and sending him to boarding school. Of course, my rational mind knows that I must clean up this mess with him and no one else.
Can you please give me some direction on how to get this kid to take back his life and not put us in the position of jailers.
Depressed Teenager: Hope For Happiness Read More »
“I do struggle and maybe you could give me some advice. I spend quite a bit of time with my kids in the morning going over little activities like school workbooks and story time and exercising together. Yet the minute I get on the phone or sit down to nurse the baby, the three boys are arguing or fighting or taking toys from each other or something of the sort. I have tried to get them to color or do a certain activity together, but that only lasts so long. It’s hard to discipline when you are nursing the baby.
I know I have a bit of post-pardom and always feel like I am always nursing the baby or disciplining my children. I have felt discouraged with my 3 boys behavior and realize some of their actions comes from mom spending so much time with the new little one. Do you have any tips or suggestions for me on how to best help teach my boys and solve the problems.”
J You hit a common discipline problem right on the head. I would like to meet a mother who can have a 30 minute phone conversation and not have things fall apart a little bit. My one hopeful thought to you is that as they grow, they learn to live without you for 30 minutes, or more. 😉
Nursing a baby is also a hard one. I have been there too.
“Mom is on the phone” ~Discipline Problem Read More »
As I go around the country teaching parenting seminars and trying to help parents make healthy changes in their family relationships, I notice there are two things which get asked the most.
1. What do you do for attitude problems?
2. How do you stop tantrums?
I an not going to expound on tantrums today, but I will say that attitude problems are just tantrums at a different level. The difference between the two are that tantrums usually happen when a person is small and they often include uncontrolled body movements and crying, and attitude problems are usually mostly verbal with abrasive body language. Attitude problems are usually more controlled than tantrums. Both tantrums and attitude problems are signs of frustration, anxiety and lack of healthy communication skills.
I am pretty confident talking about attitude problems, because I was the attitude problem queen of my house when I was in my teen years. I think my poor parents earned all their gray hairs during my attitude problem years. Luckily, I had a very insightful young women’s leader who saw my problem and wasn’t afraid to tell me how to change.
Great Advice
One day I was at her home telling her daughter that my parents wouldn’t let me go to a youth party because they
The Dreaded Attitude Problem Read More »
Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago.
Parenting Questions: Tattling, Fighting, & Yelling Read More »
“My question, as it relates to the above entries and to my four year old is what to do when he will not stay in time-out (on our washer)? He will not stay there. He runs after me, screaming. I put him back – try hard to do it calmly and sometimes I have tried to keep him there using my hands to keep his legs on the washer, but then I feel like I am forcing him and it all goes down hill from there.”
I wrote an answer to a similar question over a year ago. It is called “Tantrums, Time-out and Tired Moms.” The article should answer most of your questions. It is alright to do a soft hold with a child to help him learn to want to stay on time-out himself to calm down, but you are right about it being a sort of “force.”
My friend Jason Alba sent me this link to a great article about inspiring self-government in people in your community or sphere of influence.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/51538
“…I hope you will discipline yourselves and your fellow students. This request is in keeping with my commitment to self-government for students. It should not be up to me to enforce proper behavior that signifies the intelligence of Duke students. You should do it. Reprove those who make us all look bad. Shape up your own language…” -Duke President Terry Sanford
The whole thing is really worth reading. I hope you take the chance.
Coach Sanford did some great things here. He
Question:
“The biggest struggle we have with my son is that he wants to be the parent – he wants to be in control, not necessarily of my husband and I, but of the rest of the kids (he’s #2 of 5). For instance, this morning he made himself a “dessert sandwich” (he just made this up, bread with butter and cinnamon on it) before breakfast, but got mad and yelled at our 2 year old for getting into the fridge to get an apple while he still had the sandwich in his hand. Even me standing there saying “It’s okay, she can have the apple” didn’t calm things right away. ALL THE TIME he gets after his siblings for things he sees as wrong, but he himself can do no wrong, even if he’s doing the same things they are.”
About Parents
I love how at the beginning of this question you say that your son thinks he’s the parent and then at the end you say that he can do no wrong even though he is doing the same thing. These two statements together in the same paragraph make me smile because that is just what most parents really do. They get after the children for doing what they, the parents, are doing all the time too. These parents for some reason feel like if they don’t have to look at their short comings in their children then the short comings aren’t really there and don’t need to be addressed.
I will never forget
Parenting Questions: What to do when they think they are the parent Read More »
“Where am I going wrong?!?!?!?! I had started to think that things were on the up, but lately it seems as though my daughter’s behaviour has taken a nosedive. I think she’s just asserting herself but I find it hard to stay calm when she does. She ignores me very often or when she does respond to something, it’s usually with a “no” or “I don’t want to!”.
Toddlers with Tantrums Read More »
Here is a link to a great idea on how to teach SODAS, or problem solving exercises. Have a SODA party. Alison, aka mommymita blogger, posted a great idea with pictures of how she and her children used SODAS today. Thanks for the success story and the fun idea with photos!
Here is the link: http://mommymita.blogspot.com/2010/03/soda-party.html
It’s never too early to teach your children to look at all sides of a situation and recognize there are always multiple disadvantages and advantages to any decision you make.
Problem Solving with Children ~SODAS Read More »
Today we had a great day with Debbie and Ron on The KJZZ morning show hosted by KUTV2 news station. Below are the links to the two segments we appeared in. Today’s topic was consequences and how to choose them.
Segment one: http://connect2utah.com/content/fulltext/?cid=79502
Segment Two: http://connect2utah.com/media_player.php?media_id=119902
Television clips from today ~Parenting Tips Read More »
Nicholeen,
I’ve got “bubblegum pink” paint all over the carpet (and some furniture) right now that should NOT be there, and I have yelled and got angry at 3 of the 9 kids one who is under 24 hr priviledge loss but didn’t have anything to do with it, and I came in to my computer to take a breather and look what I found in my inbox! I was already feeling bad, and your article is the big dose of truth I need, but how do you turn it around when you’ve really blown it? Do I just bounce in with my new perspective, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Did this happen to you in the beginning? Thanks and God bless with your health issues.
OH………………..That is frustrating for sure. I feel your pain, and your frustration. I have to say, I have never had that one happen before. But, I have had my share of paint spills, gum on the carpet, bubble spills, and marker on the walls. Some children are just naturally more curious than others aren’t they? My children have never been too curious, but they have had friends over the years who have been and have started creative play in motion.
To answer you question,
Changing Perspective…You Can Do It. Read More »
Another idea might be having a family meeting, I teach about those too, and discuss a POSITIVE motivational system for the family if everyone follows instructions the first time asked for a few days. I have a great idea in my book about Rachel’s Bean Magic. That motivational system my do really well for this because it shows that each good thing has a positive consequence, not just focusing on the bad.
Also, work with your children regularly too. Teach them the jobs by example. Sometimes we expect things to be done perfectly when we haven’t really taught them how to do the jobs properly
Obedience — Inspiring a Change in Behavior Read More »
…We just started this approach to parenting a few weeks ago, and while the first couple of weeks went well because the kids all loved the praise and even the novelty of picking jobs out of a jar, we’ve hit this bump where most are dawdling, and adding another chore that just doesn’t get done doesn’t seem effective so we’ve started losing privileges for unfinished work. Granted, they are ages 8 and under, and perhaps I need to keep teaching the jobs rather than assume they know since I taught them once or twice. Thanks so much for sharing, both of you! I’m learning so much!
Keep up the good work! You went through your honeymoon stage and now you have hit the part where the children are hoping you will lose your consistency. They are testing to see if you are really going to stick to your new family government system. Keep talking about your vision and Stay consistent.
I have found that dawdling only continues to be a problem if the parents
Changing Parenting Styles ~The Honeymoon Read More »
Hey, I have read your book and have been trying to implement the system, however I have a few questions. My oldest son is 11, he has trouble controlling his emotions and talking back. Here is an example of a typical situation; I ask him to do something he makes a face and might say a smart remark but he will look me in the eye after I remind him and will say ok sarcastically then he will go do the chore.
He follows the steps the right way about 50% of the time. Today he was out of instructional control and me telling him that if he chose not to follow my instructions that the was going to chose to earn another chore didn’t work. He just sat there, so I left the room for a few minutes and when I came back he was ready to follow instructions. However he was only ready after I told him that he was going to lose all his privileges. My question is how long should he lose his privileges? He was calm, he just didn’t want to follow my instructions when I asked the first time.
He also talks back too much or tries to argue.
Back Talking vs. Appropriate Disagreements & The Rule of Three Read More »
Nicholeen: we’re doing our best to implement a system of family government following your plan. I have the 6 cd set and I’ve listened to them twice, and I’m reading the book as well…
…What do you do about a child who chooses to be out of instructional control forever? Just give him his 3 square meals a day, food, clothing, medical care, education, and otherwise let him be? I decided to further restrict his privileges by only letting him take one bath a day for 30 minutes maximum. (He likes to take about 6 to 8 baths a day usually.) I also will fill up his waking time with chores and SODAS, but if he refuses to do them as he is now, do I just wait him out? Keep asking him every 15 minutes if he’s ready to accept consequences yet? What?
Happy Children Choose to be Happy Read More »
“Grandparents need the lessons taught by Nicholeen. I have 43 grandchildren. As I took care of 5 of them just recently, using the “Family Council” as a way of solving problems (as taught by Nicholeen) was so helpful to me in working with the grandchildren. Thanks, Nicholeen!”
I loved this comment because it shows that the Teaching Self-Government communication principles can be used in all circumstances with any family members or friends. I also find these principles helpful in group settings like teaching church classes or advising scouts or clubs.
Principles to keep in mind in all settings:
Grandparents Parenting ~ And Principles for Good Communication With Anyone or Any Group Read More »
This is a copy of an email from Amiee Kieffer, author of http://momzoo.blogspot.com/
I thought it would be helpful to many others.
Hitting Toddlers – Parenting Advice Read More »
Nicholeen,
Do you have any hope (techniques we can use) forNarcissistto change? I am dealing with a 50 year old son who we have diagnosed (finally) and he is wearing us out emotionally and financially.
Thank you so much,
When I think about this situation I can’t help but ponder on the word “control.”He wants control of his life and is going about it all wrong…………you want to have more control, or influence, over him and he is not a child anymore, despite how he is acting, so you can’t have it by taking it. There is a principle I believe in…………..No one is able to really control anyone but herself.
However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t still have influence on your son. It just means that it is much more
Parenting Adult Children ~Narcissism Personality Disorder Read More »
Q: “My Older children like to use the “disagreeing Appropriately” in what I consider to be inappropriate ways. For instance if I give an instruction that they simply don’t feel like doing, they disagree appropriately. I find that I want to say “no, you can’t disagree appropriately” because, I don’t feel it is appropriate to disagree to help. Yet, if I don’t allow them to disagree, then I get considerably more arguing and whining. And if I allow it, but don’t let them out of the request, I worry that I am never rewarding them for disagreeing appropriately. Any suggestions on how to overcome this? On a positive note, my 5 year old is using this a lot better, and it has cut down on his whining considerably.”
A:
The fact that your children like to use disagreeing appropriately shows they have learned that calmly discussing works better than having an attitude problem or other alternative. It could also mean your children think they have found a
Disobedient Children -They don’t want to help out – No Answers Read More »
“My 2yo has started crying a LOT the past few days. Over every little thing. Nothing is different physically or environmentally that I can tell. He already has his 2yo molars, too.. He’s just been crying about everything that he doesn’t like, with some pretty good tantrums thrown in the mix of the average crying. I tried holding him in timeout (he’s never stayed in time out on his own so far), but he screamed and threw a serious tantrum the whole time.. which wouldn’t be a problem for me except that I have to take care of the other kids, too! I tried holding him in our time-out spot until he was done with the tantrum so I could praise him for being happy, etc., but after 40 minutes of continuous screaming, my baby was also crying, needing to be fed, and the other young kids had destroyed the basement. At that point I just took him to his bed to finish his crying fit. So I’m thinking the holding in time out option might not work for us. Yesterday and today I’ve started just taking him to his room when he starts having a breaking down crying fit. What would you suggest? Do you think I should just take him to his room every time he cries? Or should I try
Tips For Using Time-out With Toddlers Read More »
The first page of Parenting A House United says:
“Is your home in crisis? Do your children never do what they are told? Do you find yourself completely overwhelmed and hating to interact with your children? Do your children treat you with disrespect and cause contention at home? Are you out of control of your emotions as a parent too? If any of these descriptions sound like your house, then you might be in crisis and you will definitely benefit from reading this book. It is written for you. This book is also written for people who don’t want to ever have a home like I have described above and for parents who want to have an effectively communicating family right from the very beginning of parenthood.”
If you consider yourself or your family in a crisis situation where you need a few quick tools to start changing things immediately at home then this post is for you. Thousands of people have bought the book at this point and some need to start implementing things before they have even read the whole book. Below are a few key chapters to read immediately to start making some useful changes before diving in and reading the whole book.
Are You In Crisis? Read More »
My problem is that I never can think of appropriate consequences when my kids misbehave. Do you have any suggestions? I have five children ages 9-18. Thanks, Amy
Consequences can be difficult to think up, but the trick is to only do it one time. A parent who has to reinvent the consequence every time a lesson needs to be taught will come across as uncertain and flustered. Have a plan. Parents who have a plan are more secure to be around and will be more respected by their children.
My rules for consequences are these:
Q: “With my 2 and half yr old. She frequently will run away from me when I call her, wanting to turn it into a game of chase. Sometimes this is at a store or getting into the car, sometimes it is when she needs a diaper change etc. I have tried to do roll playing games with her to help praise her for coming or following instructions. She loves this game, but won’t always do it in real life. I am not sure the best way to help her want to obey or what should be the consequence for failing to follow an instruction at age 2. I feel like I am doing too much reasoning with her, which I feel is really not the most effective thing with a 2 year old, but I am not sure what else to do so she starts to understand the consequences of her actions. I have lately been feeling very frustrated and out of control with her. I hate feeling that way and I could really use some ideas.”
A:
Pre-teaching her to come when called before it is ever time is a great thing to do to prepare her to repeat the behavior at the right time. Great Job! Keep doing that.
As well as pre-teaching, is sounds like you need to establish a consequence system just for her. You can
Runaway Two Year Old Read More »
One of my passions is astronomy. When I go out in my backyard and look through my telescope at my friends, the planets and stars, I feel so close to God. Not because heaven is in space, but because it is so obvious there is organization in all things. He is a God of order; with everything in it’s perfect place. Everything has a purpose; a mission. Since He is order in all we see it only makes sense that people should live by order too.
Just like laws and principles govern the skies and the earth, there are laws meant to govern us as well. That is why we have chosen to apply governing rules to our home too. We feel like there is no better example of how to run a home than the way God runs our world; the current home for His family.
Our family has a set structure. We have certain meetings each week to strengthen the family relationships and keep the home in order. The meetings we have are
Making Toddler Store Time Happy Read More »
“Hi Nicholeen, I hope you don’t mind me messaging you/adding you as a friend….I saw you recently on tv here in England, and as a mother of two I was so impressed and humbled by your patience and love. Nothing seemed to get you down. The love and respect your family have for each other was so apparent, and it did bring tears to my eyes. I would love to have that same patience, tolerance and sheer joy in my life that you do. I’d love to hear back from you, if you have the time, and if possible try and send me some of your calm and patience through the web!!”
Thank you so much for your kind words. What age are your children? It is so good that you are trying to be the best mother you can be. There really is nothing more important for our world right now than parents raising good children who will fight for goodness in this confusing world. This is what I am doing at my house.
Advice From the World’s Strictest Parent Read More »
I transcribed this rememberance of our BBC “World’s Strictest Parents” experience straight from the mouth of my five year old son Porter…..The grammar is unedited on purpose. This is how he speaks. 🙂
My name is Porter and I am five 5. James and Hannah came to stay with us and they were nice to me. I remember that they liked to swing on our swings. When they left our house I cried a lot because I was sad that they were going. They were having attitudes a lot of the time and they wanted to
Porter Peck Talks about James and Hannah Read More »
“Dear Nicholeen: I watched the show and was so impressed by your calm and collected attitude. I loved it when your son said, “she’s trying to push my mom’s buttons, but it won’t work.” One of my biggest problems is I allow kids to push my buttons and engage me in non-productive discourse (getting off track of what we’re talking about). These get me so frustrated. I don’t know how you did it with James and Hannah. I admire your patience, love and skills.
Can you tell us any more about some of the experiences that happened that weren’t included in the final edit. I’m curious to learn more about it.”
This is a great comment. Let me fill you in a bit on the whole situation my sweet, big talking 12 year old, was commenting on:
James and Hannah were very used to running away if they didn’t get their way. The reason people continue running is because it is a form of power struggle that usually works. It stops
Nicholeen Tells more about World’s Strictest Parents Read More »
We have a problem with people getting into things in the house without asking. For example chocolate chips, cookies in the freezer and so on. We also have a problem with dishonesty.
The consequence for these (decided by the family) Dishonesty: 30 min.
Getting Each Other in Trouble Read More »
Bedtime negative behaviors. my 5 year old just will not settle down. I get really frustrated with him. I don’t feel like I can do the rule of three or extra chores when he is supposed to be going to sleep, and if I tell him he has earned them for the morning, the consequence doesn’t seem real to him. My husband’s solution is to give him three warnings, and then spank him. I am beginning to hate bedtime.
Q: “With my 5 year old, when I am correcting negative behavior and I ask him to practice with me, he goes into goofy mode and doesn’t want to practice correct behavior, or does it silly. Should I give him consequences for this behavior? or should I skip the practice?”
Are you listening to me? Read More »
One afternoon my children and I went on a walk to our local library. The library is about one and a half miles from our home. After a great time reading and exploring together in the library, we started our mile and a half walk home.
During the walk one of my small children mentioned he was hungry. It was getting close to dinner time, and would still be a little while before we reached home. When we were about a half way home we passed a home which had a large apple tree growing on the property. The apples on the tree were perfectly ripe and large. My son immediately notice
Stand For Something Read More »
Recently I have had multiple people email with questions about their husbands. It seems that some fathers are reluctant to make changes in their family culture and systems even when the rest of the family is already using the teaching-self-government system. Even though I am speaking from a woman’s perspective today to women primarily, I have also had fathers email about their wives not wanting to change, so the topic is valid for both mothers and fathers.
Why is it that one parent can be ready for change and another isn’t? The answer to this question is probably individual in many
Fathers figuring things out Read More »
“Waaaaahaaaaa!” screamed Porter, my five year old, from the other side of the family room. I looked over there just is time to see Paije, his much older sister, trying to pry one of her shoes from her little brother’s hands while keeping a close eye on the other shoe. Before I could even get a word in, Paije had grabbed the first shoe away from her younger brother and no
Teaching How to Stop Teasing Read More »
My daughter had one of her best friends over to play. After playing for about 45 minutes, the friend came from the basement in tears to her mother. She was really upset because she was having a hard time communicating with my daughter.
Choose Communication Not Sides Read More »
Can one person change the world just by being herself? I think so. That is where the power in all of us lies; in the person we were meant to become. If we find this person, we will then find our power to change the world.
Live each day like it matters. Because it does. One action based on one thought is where the power to change the world lies. Touch people. Touch your children. Influence. That is why we are all here.
The Power to Change Read More »
Another way I change my children’s hearts is to see what changes I have to make in myself. If a relationship is suffering, it is usually a two person problem. So, if I feel disconnected from my child, I take a good hard look at what I can do to change myself, motivate myself, and inspire myself. In short, I try to see how I can live better so that I can inspire my child to live better. In the past this has even required a new way of communicating to my family. So far, this approach to changing hearts has been a big blessing for myself and my family.
If I am going to in
Teaching Self Government requires Self Government Read More »
