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Negative Consequence Rutt: Parenting Tips

4 Comments / All, Children (4-10), School, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills /

“My two oldest boys, ages 8 and 7 are really giving me a run………..I know that if I stay strong, it will all pay off.
We have a family mission statement, we have a job jar, we have been roll playing. They know what our “standards” are.
My 7 year old has had discipline “issues” for 1 and 1/2 weeks consistently every morning during “school time”. He gets so frustrated with me when I calmly let him know that he earned another “consequence” I make sure and tell him that I love him and I wish that he could join us for privileged free time. He assures me that he will try harder but the same things keep happening over and over. He is 7 and very wiggly and dreamy, and distracted. He even has been swearing which is NOT our family standard! I try to explain to him that if he has good control over his body and mouth during school time, he will earn privileges, but he just doesn’t learn…………Any tips?”

It sounds like you are doing pretty well at creating an environment for self-government in your home.

I hope your son is doing better now. If not read pages 66-69 in my book Parenting A House United. I am guessing you have it. This section goes over motivation for children who get themselves in a rutt.

Negative Consequence Rutt: Parenting Tips Read More »

Depressed Teenager: Hope For Happiness

3 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

I have attended your classes at home school conferences and bought the mp3;s.  I am currently purchasing your book, however, I am in crisis.  I have a 17 rd old son that has  been homeschooled since fourth grade.  We originally took him out due to severe depression.  This is something he struggles with.  He has always done well in school.  He went to the public high school for his freshman year.  He was top of the class academically but he hated every minute of it and we allowed him to come back to home school for the past two years.  

About six months ago I could see that he was clinically depressed and we found a counselor to help us through that.  It turns out he was introduced to pornography at school and became addicted and the guilt has caused him to lose about a year of his life.  We are dealing with this issue and he is doing very well and continues to receive counseling with us.  

The crisis is that he cant make a decision about anything in his life and he seems to have no self control.  He wants us to tell him every little thing to do and takes no responsibility.  He takes 8 hours to do simple science due to the fact that if I walk out of his earshot he will immediately waste time doing anything else.  It is so frustrating that we have to literally babysit him and that he needs us to.  I am at my wits end with him and feel like throwing in the towel and sending him to boarding school.  Of course, my rational mind knows that I must clean up this mess with him and no one else.  
Can you please give me some direction on how to get this kid to take back his life and not put us in  the position of jailers.

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Family Meetings :Parenting Tips

Leave a Comment / All, Youth (10-18) /

Sometimes I get some stories sent to me which simply must be shared.  I would love to share one with you today.  This is a great family meeting success story which had me sweating for a few seconds:

We even had an emergency family council the
other day.  The kids didn’t really believe me that I was waiting for them to
come up with a solution.  I told them that I was pretty sure that the
situation wasn’t going to change because I was the one paying the price.  So
after I realized my mistake, I called the council to change that.  Finally
one of the kids said, “Well, ten lashes then.”  I asked for other
suggestions and there weren’t any

Family Meetings :Parenting Tips Read More »

Calm In A Hurry?

8 Comments / All, Relationships /

The opposite of calm is hurry. If you feel like you have to hurry all the time, then you will never be calm. Also, if you feel like you have to hurry through your teaching interactions with your children then you will also have a harder time staying calm. Don’t let your desire for being efficient ruin your ability to be calm. The great philosopher William Jordan said:

The first sermon in the world was preached at the Creation. It was a Divine protest against Hurry. It was a Divine object lesson of perfect law, perfect plan, perfect order, perfect method. Six days of work carefully planned, scheduled and completed were followed by,–rest.

Calm In A Hurry? Read More »

“Mom is on the phone” ~Discipline Problem

4 Comments / All, Home Culture, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

 

“I do struggle and maybe you could give me some advice.  I spend quite a bit of time with my kids in the morning going over little activities like school workbooks and story time and exercising together.  Yet the minute I get on the phone or sit down to nurse the baby, the three boys are arguing or fighting or taking toys from each other or something of the sort.  I have tried to get them to color or do a certain activity together, but that only lasts so long.  It’s hard to discipline when you are nursing the baby.
 
        I know I have a bit of post-pardom and always feel like I am always nursing the baby or disciplining my children.  I have felt discouraged with my 3 boys behavior and realize some of their actions comes from mom spending so much time with the new little one.  Do you have any tips or suggestions for me on how to best help teach my boys and solve the problems.”

 

 

J You hit a common discipline problem right on the head.  I would like to meet a mother who can have a 30 minute phone conversation and not have things fall apart a little bit.  My one hopeful thought to you is that as they grow, they learn to live without you for 30 minutes, or more.  😉

Nursing a baby is also a hard one.  I have been there too. 

“Mom is on the phone” ~Discipline Problem Read More »

KJZZ Morning Show This Friday

Leave a Comment / All, Announcements /

If you are up to watching television this Friday, May 14,  from 9-10 in the morning, Spencer and I will be appearing on channel 14 in Utah and surrounding areas.  The call station is KJZZ 14.  We will be featured in two segments on parenting.  This month we are talking about teaching our children how to accept no answers. 

Tell your friends about the show.  Maybe they will want to see who I am and benefit from our time in the telelvision station.

KJZZ Morning Show This Friday Read More »

Mother’s Day Miracle: My Story

10 Comments / All, Relationships /

When I was about thirteen years old I was perfectly molded in the opinions of the current society. I had my life all planned out, and was sure that my plans were socially pleasing to all of my friends. I was also sure that my plans would ensure that I wouldn’t turn out like my mother, who at the time was a person I didn’t really care about pleasing that much. You got it, I was a run of the mill, know it all and going to do it better than my parents, teenager. The only problem was, I didn’t really know what better meant because I was only seeing the popular social perspective.

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The Dreaded Attitude Problem

8 Comments / All, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

As I go around the country teaching parenting seminars and trying to help parents make healthy changes in their family relationships, I notice there are two things which get asked the most.

1.  What do you do for attitude problems?

2.  How do you stop tantrums? 

      I an not going to expound on tantrums today, but I will say that attitude problems are just tantrums at a different level.  The difference between the two are that tantrums usually happen when a person is small and they often include uncontrolled body movements and crying, and attitude problems are usually mostly verbal with abrasive body language.  Attitude problems are usually more controlled than tantrums.  Both tantrums and attitude problems are signs of frustration, anxiety and lack of healthy communication skills.

     I am pretty confident talking about attitude problems, because I was the attitude problem queen of my house when I was in my teen years.  I think my poor parents earned all their gray hairs during my attitude problem years.  Luckily, I had a very insightful young women’s leader who saw my problem and wasn’t afraid to tell me how to change.  

Great Advice

     One day I was at her home telling her daughter that my parents wouldn’t let me go to a youth party because they

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Order at Home

4 Comments / All, Home Culture, TSG Principles /

One of my passions is astronomy. When I go out in my backyard and look through my telescope at my friends, the planets and stars, I feel so close to God. Not because heaven is in space, but because it is so obvious there is organization in all things. He is a God of order; with everything in it’s perfect place. Everything has a purpose; a mission. Since He is order in all we see it only makes sense that people should live by order too.

Just like laws and principles govern the skies and the earth, there are laws meant to govern us as well. That is why we have chosen to apply governing rules to our home too. We feel like there is no better example of how to run a home than the way God runs our world; the current home for His family.

Our family has a set structure. We have certain meetings each week to strengthen the family relationships and keep the home in order. The meetings we have are

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School Problems ~When The Classroom Comes Home

3 Comments / All, Home Culture, Relationships, School, TSG Principles /

“I have a 5 year old son that is in kindergarten.  He loves school because of all his friends there…  Unfortunately with school I see him still coming home with some bad habits that we must work to break.  I think his teacher is great but with all the kids in the class she can’t be expected to enforce/reward self-government principles.  My concern is that he is getting confused with discipline at home and less discipline at school.  How do you address this issue with your kids?”

It is hard to have a child come home from school with behaviors you need to break all the time.

School Problems ~When The Classroom Comes Home Read More »

Unruly Child

2 Comments / All, Relationships, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

“My question, as it relates to the above entries and to my four year old is what to do when he will not stay in time-out (on our washer)? He will not stay there. He runs after me, screaming. I put him back – try hard to do it calmly and sometimes I have tried to keep him there using my hands to keep his legs on the washer, but then I feel like I am forcing him and it all goes down hill from there.”

I wrote an answer to a similar question over a year ago. It is called “Tantrums, Time-out and Tired Moms.” The article should answer most of your questions. It is alright to do a soft hold with a child to help him learn to want to stay on time-out himself to calm down, but you are right about it being a sort of “force.”

Unruly Child Read More »

Life Advice With Self-Government Principles: Teaching Self-Government to Anyone, Not Just Children

2 Comments / All, Relationships, TSG Principles, Using TSG Skills, Youth (10-18) /

My friend Jason Alba sent me this link to a great article about inspiring self-government in people in your community or sphere of influence. 

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/51538 

“…I hope you will discipline yourselves and your fellow students. This request is in keeping with my commitment to self-government for students. It should not be up to me to enforce proper behavior that signifies the intelligence of Duke students. You should do it. Reprove those who make us all look bad. Shape up your own language…”  -Duke President Terry Sanford

The whole thing is really worth reading.  I hope you take the chance. 

Coach Sanford did some great things here.  He

Life Advice With Self-Government Principles: Teaching Self-Government to Anyone, Not Just Children Read More »

Parenting Questions: What to do when they think they are the parent

4 Comments / All, Children (4-10), Home Culture, Relationships, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

Question:

“The biggest struggle we have with my son is that he wants to be the parent – he wants to be in control, not necessarily of my husband and I, but of the rest of the kids (he’s #2 of 5).  For instance, this morning he made himself a “dessert sandwich” (he just made this up, bread with butter and cinnamon on it) before breakfast, but got mad and yelled at our 2 year old for getting into the fridge to get an apple while he still had the sandwich in his hand.  Even me standing there saying “It’s okay, she can have the apple” didn’t calm things right away.  ALL THE TIME he gets after his siblings for things he sees as wrong, but he himself can do no wrong, even if he’s doing the same things they are.”

About Parents

I love how at the beginning of this question you say that your son thinks he’s the parent and then at the end you say that he can do no wrong even though he is doing the same thing.  These two statements together in the same paragraph make me smile because that is just what most parents really do.   They get after the children for doing what they, the parents, are doing all the time too.  These parents for some reason feel like if they don’t have to look at their short comings in their children then the short comings aren’t really there and don’t need to be addressed. 

I will never forget

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Toddlers with Tantrums

4 Comments / All, Toddlers (0-4), Using TSG Skills /

“Where am I going wrong?!?!?!?! I had started to think that things were on the up, but lately it seems as though my daughter’s behaviour has taken a nosedive. I think she’s just asserting herself but I find it hard to stay calm when she does. She ignores me very often or when she does respond to something, it’s usually with a “no” or “I don’t want to!”.

Toddlers with Tantrums Read More »

Problem Solving with Children ~SODAS

Leave a Comment / All, Using TSG Skills /

Here is a link to a great idea on how to teach SODAS, or problem solving exercises.  Have a SODA party.  Alison, aka mommymita blogger, posted a great idea with pictures of how she and her children used SODAS today.  Thanks for the success story and the fun idea with photos! 

Here is the link:  http://mommymita.blogspot.com/2010/03/soda-party.html 

It’s never too early to teach your children to look at all sides of a situation and recognize there are always multiple disadvantages and advantages to any decision you make. 

Problem Solving with Children ~SODAS Read More »

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