Thank you so much for your teaching this subject! I purchased the CDs about two months ago when I heard about them through the LEMI mentors association, listened to them, took lots of notes, and put it into action at a family meeting about 3 weeks ago.
Parenting Questions: Tattling, Fighting, & Yelling Read More »
“My question, as it relates to the above entries and to my four year old is what to do when he will not stay in time-out (on our washer)? He will not stay there. He runs after me, screaming. I put him back – try hard to do it calmly and sometimes I have tried to keep him there using my hands to keep his legs on the washer, but then I feel like I am forcing him and it all goes down hill from there.”
I wrote an answer to a similar question over a year ago. It is called “Tantrums, Time-out and Tired Moms.” The article should answer most of your questions. It is alright to do a soft hold with a child to help him learn to want to stay on time-out himself to calm down, but you are right about it being a sort of “force.”
My friend Jason Alba sent me this link to a great article about inspiring self-government in people in your community or sphere of influence.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/51538
“…I hope you will discipline yourselves and your fellow students. This request is in keeping with my commitment to self-government for students. It should not be up to me to enforce proper behavior that signifies the intelligence of Duke students. You should do it. Reprove those who make us all look bad. Shape up your own language…” -Duke President Terry Sanford
The whole thing is really worth reading. I hope you take the chance.
Coach Sanford did some great things here. He
Question:
“The biggest struggle we have with my son is that he wants to be the parent – he wants to be in control, not necessarily of my husband and I, but of the rest of the kids (he’s #2 of 5). For instance, this morning he made himself a “dessert sandwich” (he just made this up, bread with butter and cinnamon on it) before breakfast, but got mad and yelled at our 2 year old for getting into the fridge to get an apple while he still had the sandwich in his hand. Even me standing there saying “It’s okay, she can have the apple” didn’t calm things right away. ALL THE TIME he gets after his siblings for things he sees as wrong, but he himself can do no wrong, even if he’s doing the same things they are.”
About Parents
I love how at the beginning of this question you say that your son thinks he’s the parent and then at the end you say that he can do no wrong even though he is doing the same thing. These two statements together in the same paragraph make me smile because that is just what most parents really do. They get after the children for doing what they, the parents, are doing all the time too. These parents for some reason feel like if they don’t have to look at their short comings in their children then the short comings aren’t really there and don’t need to be addressed.
I will never forget
Parenting Questions: What to do when they think they are the parent Read More »
“Where am I going wrong?!?!?!?! I had started to think that things were on the up, but lately it seems as though my daughter’s behaviour has taken a nosedive. I think she’s just asserting herself but I find it hard to stay calm when she does. She ignores me very often or when she does respond to something, it’s usually with a “no” or “I don’t want to!”.
Toddlers with Tantrums Read More »
Here is a link to a great idea on how to teach SODAS, or problem solving exercises. Have a SODA party. Alison, aka mommymita blogger, posted a great idea with pictures of how she and her children used SODAS today. Thanks for the success story and the fun idea with photos!
Here is the link: http://mommymita.blogspot.com/2010/03/soda-party.html
It’s never too early to teach your children to look at all sides of a situation and recognize there are always multiple disadvantages and advantages to any decision you make.
Problem Solving with Children ~SODAS Read More »
Today we had a great day with Debbie and Ron on The KJZZ morning show hosted by KUTV2 news station. Below are the links to the two segments we appeared in. Today’s topic was consequences and how to choose them.
Segment one: http://connect2utah.com/content/fulltext/?cid=79502
Segment Two: http://connect2utah.com/media_player.php?media_id=119902
Television clips from today ~Parenting Tips Read More »
Nicholeen,
I’ve got “bubblegum pink” paint all over the carpet (and some furniture) right now that should NOT be there, and I have yelled and got angry at 3 of the 9 kids one who is under 24 hr priviledge loss but didn’t have anything to do with it, and I came in to my computer to take a breather and look what I found in my inbox! I was already feeling bad, and your article is the big dose of truth I need, but how do you turn it around when you’ve really blown it? Do I just bounce in with my new perspective, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Did this happen to you in the beginning? Thanks and God bless with your health issues.
OH………………..That is frustrating for sure. I feel your pain, and your frustration. I have to say, I have never had that one happen before. But, I have had my share of paint spills, gum on the carpet, bubble spills, and marker on the walls. Some children are just naturally more curious than others aren’t they? My children have never been too curious, but they have had friends over the years who have been and have started creative play in motion.
To answer you question,
Changing Perspective…You Can Do It. Read More »
Another idea might be having a family meeting, I teach about those too, and discuss a POSITIVE motivational system for the family if everyone follows instructions the first time asked for a few days. I have a great idea in my book about Rachel’s Bean Magic. That motivational system my do really well for this because it shows that each good thing has a positive consequence, not just focusing on the bad.
Also, work with your children regularly too. Teach them the jobs by example. Sometimes we expect things to be done perfectly when we haven’t really taught them how to do the jobs properly
Obedience — Inspiring a Change in Behavior Read More »
…We just started this approach to parenting a few weeks ago, and while the first couple of weeks went well because the kids all loved the praise and even the novelty of picking jobs out of a jar, we’ve hit this bump where most are dawdling, and adding another chore that just doesn’t get done doesn’t seem effective so we’ve started losing privileges for unfinished work. Granted, they are ages 8 and under, and perhaps I need to keep teaching the jobs rather than assume they know since I taught them once or twice. Thanks so much for sharing, both of you! I’m learning so much!
Keep up the good work! You went through your honeymoon stage and now you have hit the part where the children are hoping you will lose your consistency. They are testing to see if you are really going to stick to your new family government system. Keep talking about your vision and Stay consistent.
I have found that dawdling only continues to be a problem if the parents
Changing Parenting Styles ~The Honeymoon Read More »
Hey, I have read your book and have been trying to implement the system, however I have a few questions. My oldest son is 11, he has trouble controlling his emotions and talking back. Here is an example of a typical situation; I ask him to do something he makes a face and might say a smart remark but he will look me in the eye after I remind him and will say ok sarcastically then he will go do the chore.
He follows the steps the right way about 50% of the time. Today he was out of instructional control and me telling him that if he chose not to follow my instructions that the was going to chose to earn another chore didn’t work. He just sat there, so I left the room for a few minutes and when I came back he was ready to follow instructions. However he was only ready after I told him that he was going to lose all his privileges. My question is how long should he lose his privileges? He was calm, he just didn’t want to follow my instructions when I asked the first time.
He also talks back too much or tries to argue.
Back Talking vs. Appropriate Disagreements & The Rule of Three Read More »
Nicholeen: we’re doing our best to implement a system of family government following your plan. I have the 6 cd set and I’ve listened to them twice, and I’m reading the book as well…
…What do you do about a child who chooses to be out of instructional control forever? Just give him his 3 square meals a day, food, clothing, medical care, education, and otherwise let him be? I decided to further restrict his privileges by only letting him take one bath a day for 30 minutes maximum. (He likes to take about 6 to 8 baths a day usually.) I also will fill up his waking time with chores and SODAS, but if he refuses to do them as he is now, do I just wait him out? Keep asking him every 15 minutes if he’s ready to accept consequences yet? What?
Happy Children Choose to be Happy Read More »
“Grandparents need the lessons taught by Nicholeen. I have 43 grandchildren. As I took care of 5 of them just recently, using the “Family Council” as a way of solving problems (as taught by Nicholeen) was so helpful to me in working with the grandchildren. Thanks, Nicholeen!”
I loved this comment because it shows that the Teaching Self-Government communication principles can be used in all circumstances with any family members or friends. I also find these principles helpful in group settings like teaching church classes or advising scouts or clubs.
Principles to keep in mind in all settings:
Grandparents Parenting ~ And Principles for Good Communication With Anyone or Any Group Read More »
This is a copy of an email from Amiee Kieffer, author of http://momzoo.blogspot.com/
I thought it would be helpful to many others.
Hitting Toddlers – Parenting Advice Read More »
Nicholeen,
Do you have any hope (techniques we can use) forNarcissistto change? I am dealing with a 50 year old son who we have diagnosed (finally) and he is wearing us out emotionally and financially.
Thank you so much,
When I think about this situation I can’t help but ponder on the word “control.”He wants control of his life and is going about it all wrong…………you want to have more control, or influence, over him and he is not a child anymore, despite how he is acting, so you can’t have it by taking it. There is a principle I believe in…………..No one is able to really control anyone but herself.
However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t still have influence on your son. It just means that it is much more
Parenting Adult Children ~Narcissism Personality Disorder Read More »
Q: “My Older children like to use the “disagreeing Appropriately” in what I consider to be inappropriate ways. For instance if I give an instruction that they simply don’t feel like doing, they disagree appropriately. I find that I want to say “no, you can’t disagree appropriately” because, I don’t feel it is appropriate to disagree to help. Yet, if I don’t allow them to disagree, then I get considerably more arguing and whining. And if I allow it, but don’t let them out of the request, I worry that I am never rewarding them for disagreeing appropriately. Any suggestions on how to overcome this? On a positive note, my 5 year old is using this a lot better, and it has cut down on his whining considerably.”
A:
The fact that your children like to use disagreeing appropriately shows they have learned that calmly discussing works better than having an attitude problem or other alternative. It could also mean your children think they have found a
Disobedient Children -They don’t want to help out – No Answers Read More »
“My 2yo has started crying a LOT the past few days. Over every little thing. Nothing is different physically or environmentally that I can tell. He already has his 2yo molars, too.. He’s just been crying about everything that he doesn’t like, with some pretty good tantrums thrown in the mix of the average crying. I tried holding him in timeout (he’s never stayed in time out on his own so far), but he screamed and threw a serious tantrum the whole time.. which wouldn’t be a problem for me except that I have to take care of the other kids, too! I tried holding him in our time-out spot until he was done with the tantrum so I could praise him for being happy, etc., but after 40 minutes of continuous screaming, my baby was also crying, needing to be fed, and the other young kids had destroyed the basement. At that point I just took him to his bed to finish his crying fit. So I’m thinking the holding in time out option might not work for us. Yesterday and today I’ve started just taking him to his room when he starts having a breaking down crying fit. What would you suggest? Do you think I should just take him to his room every time he cries? Or should I try
Tips For Using Time-out With Toddlers Read More »
The first page of Parenting A House United says:
“Is your home in crisis? Do your children never do what they are told? Do you find yourself completely overwhelmed and hating to interact with your children? Do your children treat you with disrespect and cause contention at home? Are you out of control of your emotions as a parent too? If any of these descriptions sound like your house, then you might be in crisis and you will definitely benefit from reading this book. It is written for you. This book is also written for people who don’t want to ever have a home like I have described above and for parents who want to have an effectively communicating family right from the very beginning of parenthood.”
If you consider yourself or your family in a crisis situation where you need a few quick tools to start changing things immediately at home then this post is for you. Thousands of people have bought the book at this point and some need to start implementing things before they have even read the whole book. Below are a few key chapters to read immediately to start making some useful changes before diving in and reading the whole book.
Are You In Crisis? Read More »
My problem is that I never can think of appropriate consequences when my kids misbehave. Do you have any suggestions? I have five children ages 9-18. Thanks, Amy
Consequences can be difficult to think up, but the trick is to only do it one time. A parent who has to reinvent the consequence every time a lesson needs to be taught will come across as uncertain and flustered. Have a plan. Parents who have a plan are more secure to be around and will be more respected by their children.
My rules for consequences are these:
Q: “With my 2 and half yr old. She frequently will run away from me when I call her, wanting to turn it into a game of chase. Sometimes this is at a store or getting into the car, sometimes it is when she needs a diaper change etc. I have tried to do roll playing games with her to help praise her for coming or following instructions. She loves this game, but won’t always do it in real life. I am not sure the best way to help her want to obey or what should be the consequence for failing to follow an instruction at age 2. I feel like I am doing too much reasoning with her, which I feel is really not the most effective thing with a 2 year old, but I am not sure what else to do so she starts to understand the consequences of her actions. I have lately been feeling very frustrated and out of control with her. I hate feeling that way and I could really use some ideas.”
A:
Pre-teaching her to come when called before it is ever time is a great thing to do to prepare her to repeat the behavior at the right time. Great Job! Keep doing that.
As well as pre-teaching, is sounds like you need to establish a consequence system just for her. You can
Runaway Two Year Old Read More »