Do I have unrealistic expectation's thinking that twin 6 year old’s and a9 year old after 5 years of teaching them how much shampoo to use, toothpaste etc. Tthat left alone today Lily
dumped out 3 containers of shampoo. This is being done with paint, marker s spread all around the house. Which I have told them repeatedly not to do. Yet they continue to do these wasteful huge messes. I don’t remember my children ever or me or my husband when we were kids even thinking of doing these shocking behaviors. Do I just not remember correctly or is this not normal behaviors. I had these Grandchildren on kinship for a time. Their mother died suddenly when the twins were two. I am now helping my son, it is so exhausting as he cannot cope without us helping him. I found it so much easier when I had my own kids than being this combo mother/grandmother.

Hi,

My son (14) has learnt to take advantage of situations where he feels he will have the upper hand and knows when we really need his cooperation. We feel like even if we say no, we still must give in to his demands or he will not cooperate with what we need him to do. For example If my son doesnt get the candy he wants at an airport gift shop, he will refuse to move from the store or he will start walking in the opposite direction we are going. In normal circimstances, I know we shouldnt give in or let him push our buttons but in a situation like this, we must have his cooperation or
we risk losing him and missing a flight.
Even if we talk about this in advance, when we are in the actual situation, he doesnt always keep his word.

Another example would be that he requests screen time first thing in the morning as a condition for him to get ready for school. If I were to tell him that he needs to get dressed first and then screen time, he would probably threaten that hes not going to school..How can we handle this so that he accepts a no answer and cooperates with us even if he doesnt get what he wants (so we don't miss a flight)?

-when I asked our son (16) to go to the chores chart to review his choices, he made mocking gestures & sounds & stated he didn't have to, & I had to let him do his chores instead. How would you handle this?
-when he does not accept consequences, I explain we are going to begin the rule of 3, & he argues incessantly talking over me attempting to seemingly not let me continue the process & stating he hasn't earned the rule of 3. Would you go straight to 24 hours in this scenario? I feel like if not, the talking over doesn’t let the talk or script continue.
-how should I handle when I tell him that we are taking a 15 minute break & I will check back with him to see if he is ready to accept consequences come up & he follows me & begins to tap me incessantly or try to take his phone from my pocket, or continues to escalate making threat like statements (it's gonna be really bad if you don't give me my phone) or disrespectful statements (you're a bad father, that’s why no one F-ing likes you bro, etc) sometimes with profanities. Currently, I have pre taught him that these are choices that go to straight to 24 hours loss of privilege, even if he has not earned the chores & exercises for not using skills prior to this.
-when he earns a 24 hr loss of privilege, sometimes he will forcibly grab things like the PC cable or TV power cable, to prevent me from removing the technology. He's 16 & we've had physical encounters so I want to know how I could handle this, within TSG & minimizing the risk of physical encounters which could escalate. Should I let him steal the privileges & tack on more time? I've tried pretty intensive technology controls but he hacks often. Very intelligent
-Don’t know how to get my wife to be more accepting of TSG & less blaming. When he goes out of inst. control, she does NOT see he’s choices, but blames the program (me). She recently said TSG is killing us, it’s killing her and it’s killing our son. I am honestly concerned for our marriage, & feel like this could break our family. I know it’s not TSG, but I really feel like she is so against that she will not ever see her and our son’s choices. I could really use some feedback and encouragement here. Thank you!

Nicoleen. I am so discouraged. We have been doing this program for almost a year. We took your live 3 day class last January. I just flail when my kids start to argue with me. I just cannot figure out how to do TSG when things escalate. I just cannot figure out when and how to start the Rule of 3 when a youth doesn’t say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately. My daughter, 14, wanted to go to track practice and I told her that she could begin again in January. This led to tears, silent treatment, and harsh and nasty words to me. I told my 9 year old son that he could not use the phone or dictionary to look up words on his spelling test and he refused to hand me the dictionary and then refused to disagree appropriately. My 11 year old daughter, when she is really upset, will tell me I can give her a million chores but she still won’t follow the instruction. I just keep handing out chores because I just cannot figure out how to do all the steps when the youth is not calm. I cannot figure out how to do the following instruction/ pre-teach part and then move to the Rule of 3 when things escalate. It’s just so confusing and gets even more confusing when you have kids arguing with you. It is so hard to keep my train of thought. I am just so discouraged. This is all me. I just don’t’ seem to be able to put all the TSG steps together. I do okay when everyone is calm, but once there is escalation, my ability to effectively use TSG falls apart. Please help me. The correct implementation of the Rule of 3 is confusing and I am so discouraged. I listen and read about the Rule of 3 and have a mentor and I still struggle when things escalate. I have the cards. Chore after chore just seems easier.

Some behaviors are worse than others. Some kids are very manipulative and they know if they are calm and accept the correction (extra chore) it will be all good for them. Do kids try to use this to their advantage (stealing the family car for a night) knowing their consequence (extra chore) will stop at the correction if they accept it? (And they find the consequence is totally worth the misbehavior)? Or can you skip to all the way to 24 hours of privileges? And what if the 24 hour is worth it to them as well?

This is a support tech question. I have just purchased two bundles and every time I click “start listening” or click to view the course or class, I am directed to login or purchase access despite being logged in and having purchased… 🙁
When I click “log in”, I am told I’m already logged in – and round and round it goes. Can someone please assist?
Thank you!

My 14-year-old daughter earned a few chores several days ago and still has not accepted them. She has spent the last few days doing everything she can to find interesting and fun things to do without me knowing – taking really long showers and baths, sneaking books and her brother's radio, doing craft projects in her room, drawing, etc. With four younger children and my husband working long hours lately, I haven't been keeping track of what she's doing nearly often enough, and I'll admit at times I'm hesitant to check because I don't want to start another battle. She has ADHD and has major trouble with focus and motivation, but these last few days have been exceptionally bad as far as those things go. How do I/should I keep her from doing these things that she fills her time with to avoid doing the assigned chores? I feel like I shouldn't prevent her from bathing every day, but she'll spend well over an hour in the bathroom and I'll often find something in there she was playing with/reading when she comes out. Also, she's so creative that she can have fun with almost anything, and we can't hide every book and craft supply in the house. What exactly are the privileges she's not allowed to have before doing her extra chores, and what do I do when she sneaks doing things she shouldn't? Thanks for your help!

Hi Nicholeen,
My 5 year old is currently out of instructional control with a 3 hour loss of privelages through the modified rule of 3. He’s driving me crazy. I’m trying so hard to stay calm and not power struggle but he is a professional power struggler/button pusher when he wants to be. Things like snatching my phone and running away with it while I’m trying to listen to past support calls for advice. Pulling my hair band out of my hair. Sneaking privelages. Scattering things around the house that I don’t want scattered, like daddy’s ties. In the past I’ve used the ace card of – if he sneaks privelages I’ll have to get rid of the privelages. Aka threatening to get rid of his toys. But I’m realizing that’s still power struggling. Am I just supposed to let him walk all over our family and miss the privelages I have easy control over long enough to have a change of heart? I’m stuck between“give the other kids attention” and on the other hand “work on my relationship with him.” He loves it when I work on my relationship with him while his privelages are gone because he’s getting attention. But it feels manipulative like he’s milking the attention with no intention of earning the privelages back. Almost like he loves the attention of being difficult and needing extra attention. As I’m typing this he was tug of warring with a child who was trying to stop him from using a tie to pull around a suitcase (causing damage to the tie.). I’m trying to ignore these behaviors because if I go to take the tie away he runs away like it’s a game and like he succeeded in pushing my button. If I soft hold he loves to fight me in the hold, or snuggles in like he’s finally getting attention – with no intent of accepting the consequences. The things he earned the rule of 3 over are so minor compared to how this is dragging out, but I’m trying (and feel like I’m failing miserably) to make sure he gets the opportunity to really accept this consequence, hoping that it will pay off in the long run. So that brings me back to the point of my question, how do I handle the time between loss off privelages and accepting the consequences when the child is trying to undermine the family in every way possible, but not necessarily behaviors so severe that require soft hold? Btw I am trying to do corrections like you said in other questions but on the other hand I’m just trying to ignore his behaviors because he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, in my efforts to stop him.

Hi,

How can I get my 14 yr old son to value health and want to keep himself healthy? When I see him doing something that's not healthy for him and I tell him that its not good for him, he doesnt seem to care and just continues doing it. For example-he will put boiling water into a disposable plastic cup when making coffee, which leaches chemicals into his drink. He goes to a private school that orders lunch from different restaurants and gives them choices that they can select from and preorder. He always selects the most unhealthy choices on the menu, which I really resent paying for because its so unhealthy and I dont approve of it. But If I don't allow him to choose what he wants, then he says that he will not eat and it will effect his behavior at school in a negative way. He doesnt excercise, rarely plays outside and doesnt want to participate in school sports.(The weather here in south florida is really beautiful now so he doesn't have an excuse). He doesn't even want to go on our family outings, where we usually go to the beach on Sundays. He is the youngest and is the only one currently living at home.

He also is very unproductive with his time. He hates reading (he is dyslexic) so he wont ever read for fun or even for a school assignment (He just looks up a you tube video that summarizes the chapter).

I would love to add things like playing outside, getting excercise and reading to his chores that he is required to do in addition to homework before he gets screen time. But if I add anything new, he will become very explosive and tell me I cant add things, its not part of the deal etc… He also wastes alot of time on screens watching useless things..I would like him to use his time more wisely and be more selective about watching things that he can learn from..He doesnt think ahead about the effects of things and just lives in the moment.
How do I get him to value things such as healthy eating and excercise, fresh air, reading, using time wisely and doing other things that benefit him?

My boyfriend has a daughter. I know my role is to allow her father to address her behavior. When she is disrespectful to me and he doesn't see/hear it, how do I bring this information to him without looking like a tattletale or her enemy (I don't want to cause division between us)?