About 1 yr & a half into TSG. 17 yr old son who is rebel tendency, extremely strong willed, has expressed a lot of anger especially towards Dad/me, who has moved from bully fear based parenting. Mom is modern progressive, conflict avoidant, obliger by tendency, & has blamed dad and TSG for son’s anger, explosiveness, defiance, & overall poor choices.

From a psychological perspective, after reading books & consulting multiple therapists, I feel there are other factors contributing to our family dysfunction (yes, I accept the label, along with my contribution towards it!). These other factors could include, blame & resentment towards me for any past anger & bully parenting, emeshment/codependency between mom and son, breaking away from emotional dependency between mom & dad, guilt Mom may have for any inherited traits, personal anxiety/wounds parents may have, screen dependency or addiction (son but maybe Mom some as well), some other unknown traumas?

Now with this shortened list of things I’ve wondered could explain our dysfunction, I will simply point out where I am at with my heart and Lens… does it matter? I feel for the longest time I was looking for the answer, to help explain things. And as a questioner I may still think about these things from time to time, but I can honestly say I don’t ruminate & dwell on them (give myself a no answer, drop the subject, choose to be OK, & keep working on self-governing myself & teaching my children. Thank you TSG!)

As the old thing goes: you can’t change the past, but you can start right where you are and change the future. I didn’t really know what I was going to write or ask about this week, & so far, this is what I’ve got. A questioner, making more statements than anything else, with some small questions sprinkled in. Hopefully this helps someone out there, because no matter what my dysfunction or our family’s dysfunction, I do feel quite liberated letting go of the need to know why, & simply taking responsibility for my own choices, my tone, my own modeling for our children through TSG skills, & knowing that God is in control, and the more I remind myself of reality being God’s will, the more I feel connected to my purpose. Being a role model for our children, being a servant to God & allowing His will for me & my life to unfold, & continuing to love myself, so that I can also love others.

Matthew 22:37-40

How can i disagree appropriately in marriage? Most recently making a home purchase and previously with a car.

In light of the scripture that says :

1 Peter 3:1: Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

My husband has been the “Yes”, let’s go for it man, and I’ve been the no, i don’t think it’s quite wise or right for us just yet.

I want to be supportive and not disempowering.

How do u navigate and communicate these decisions wisely?

Seeking Advice on Supporting Our 16-Year-Old International Student

We recently welcomed a 16-year-old Korean student into our home as an international student. She has been in the country for two years, living with different host families, but came to us after experiencing an abusive host home.

She is very social and seems to derive much of her sense of self from her peers instead of the family. Lately, she has been struggling with sleep, saying her mind races at night, replaying past trauma—including her experiences in the abusive home, past relationships, and verbally abusive boyfriends.

We want to support her in both sleeping better and processing these traumas in a healthy way. If you have any advice or resources that could help, we would deeply appreciate it.

Thank you!

I’m dealing with a situation involving my 9.5 year old son who expresses feelings of confusion or despair, like not understanding their purpose or why they exist. This only comes up after they’ve made choices to sin, be it hiding or lying or even from a correction. From my perspective, he has been taught a clear sense of purpose rooted in faith, so it feels like their statements might be a mix of trying to influence others (maybe testing boundaries) and avoiding the reality of their actions. It could even be a way to escape accountability or discomfort, maybe even to guilt trip us?

I’m wondering how to approach their emotional state, which seems heavy or even depressed in these moments. What strategies can I use to help them process these feelings and move toward a healthier mindset?” For context he’s an only child but we have 2 other high school exchange international students. He compares himself to these girls and us, saying that he’s the only one who sin or get corrected in the home. We don’t correct the girls much because we don’t have permission to do so and we don’t think we have the right to do that. The expectations for host families are to provide food, transportation and a safe place for these international students only.

I got a new Apple iphone and I have the TSG app and everything works except the job jar- which I used daily until now. I have deleted the app, reloaded the app, logged out, logged in and I still cannot load and jobs. I tap "add job" and nothing pops up at all. The app has deleted the kids and I have deleted the kids – voluntarily- and still no jobs pop up to select. I did email almost 2 weeks ago and I have not heard anything. Thank you.

Hello Nicholeen,
Please advise what words to say and what rationale to give to strengthen rather than strain the relationship with my nineteen-year-old daughter as I pass the responsibility of cooking or preparing her breakfast and lunch onto her since she seems to need to wake from her phone addiction while off work and attitude of entitlement. She is aware of our mission statement and knows of another family with one which they have memorised, but has not contributed to it since she has been unwilling to attend a meeting to discuss TSG – which we intend to use with her siblings. We met with her brother yesterday and hope to meet with her sister soon and then have a family meeting which hopefully she will attend. Thank you.
Thank you

Hi, We are having trouble accessing the Dare to Take Command portion of the website. When we attempt to watch the main video it tells us to go complete the previous section. When we mark the previous section compelte it still doesnt allow us to watch the video. Is this additional material we need to pay for? we do have the university package.
John
415-259-1035

Hi Nicholeen- I am a mom of 3 boys ages 6, 3, and 3 months. I had a moment with my six year old son this week that made me realize I really need support. Lately in the mornings before school he has been telling me he hates school and doesn’t want to go. I understand all the reasons why – too many hours, too boring, and his brothers are all at home. I totally get it but I am not able to homeschool him so I am trying to work him through it (but seem to be failing). So mornings have lately become a drawn out power struggle, and we are usually late.

Anyways, one morning he wakes up early and is playing downstairs, so I say, “Ok, you have five minutes left to play, then I need you to get ready for school.” Five minutes later I tell him, “Ok, now I am going to give you an instruction. Do you remember the steps to follow an instruction?” And he says “yeah, yeah…” and so I say, “Ok, I need you to go upstairs and get ready for school.” At this point I kind of sit back and wait to see if he does it. He tells me I nag and repeat myself too much, so I’m trying to just say it once and wait. Three minutes go by, and he knows he should do the task immediately, but he’s still playing so I say, “Uh, so what are you doing?” He says, “Nothing.” So I say, “Well, what do you think you should be doing?” And then he picks up this random watch toy and says, “Mom this is broken, how do I fix it?” So I say, “We can figure that out once you are ready for school.” And that is when he bursts up and starts shouting “I hate you I hate you! I am so angry!” And I am just stunned, like why isn’t this working like I thought it would. He only recently starting saying I hate you. And I’m sad too and don’t know how to react, so I take the three month old and walk upstairs. I tell my husband what happened and he goes to talk to my son. My son says, “Mom never answers my questions!” (Because truthfully I am not sure if I am supposed to answer unrelated questions once I have given an instruction. It feels like a stalling technique. But apparently it really upsets him…) Eventually my husband convinces him to come apologize. At that point I just give up on the morning routine and I let him go off to school in the wrong uniform shirt and unbrushed teeth. I say to him, “so you don’t mind having smelly breath and the wrong shirt on today?” And he says, “nope.” And we never fixed the watch.

So this morning was a total disaster. Please help!

Hi Nicholeen:

If someone is providing a correction to another person (like a spouse) is it ok for the person being corrected to point out that the corrector does the exact same thing (after first acknowledging and accepting the correction). My husband will frequently point out things that I am doing that he doesn't like (not really using TSG principles when he does but I am still trying to listen and make corrections) but frequently he does the exact same thing and I just let it go so he isn't aware he does the same thing. He gets really mad and says I am being defensive when I point out that he is doing the same thing, and says that I am being defensive and accusing him for being "he is the bigger one" and shuts down the discussion. I try to tell him that I am saying not that he is the bigger offender but that we are equal in that we do the exact same thing and maybe we can both make changes.

Maybe I should just keep quiet and just accept the consequence without saying anything but it is hard because a lot of things he mentions are things that I have privately noticed that he does but I don't bring them up because I think they are minor and not worth a conflict. It's really hard for me to not say anything when my husband is criticizing me in a superior or angry tone for doing the same thing that he does. I have tried disagreeing appropriately and then letting it go no matter what his reaction is, but it's still hard because if I mention we both do the same thing conflict ensues. Maybe I am doing it wrong and should keep silent on that point since it is perceived as defensive. I would appreciate your advice on this. Thanks in advance.

Hello Nicholeen, You state that it is important to start with a Family Vision but both my husband and I are a bit apprehensive about imagining our life 10+ years from now since we are both in our 40's with a 4 year old, our parents are aging and we both have many medical issues that will get worse over time. Frankly we are scared of what the future holds for us. We foresee a lot of hardships including the death of our beloved parents. Now it has hit us and we are trying to prepare for our future but at the moment we rather not dwell on tomorrow and just make it through the day, one step at a time. How should we create a Family Vision under these circumstances? Should we just make a vision for next month or next year and update it as we hit each date? Is it reasonable to only do a Short term Vision? Even as I write this, I think I know the answer but curious to hear your thoughts.
Thank you for all that you do to help families. You have been a blessing to our home.