My almost 14-year-old, who I suspect may have oppositional and defiant tendencies, continues to show a recurring pattern of behavior that I do not feel I am handling effectively. One example happened recently while we were assembling a new workbench for our garage shop. He volunteered to help with part of the project, but partway through chose not to finish the task, giving reasons that sounded reasonable on the surface. Later, when I checked the work, I discovered that a large portion had been done incorrectly and that some of the materials had been damaged in the process.

What concerns me most is not the technical mistake itself, but the repeated pattern behind it. He often takes initiative or proceeds without checking carefully whether he understands what he is doing, even when the outcome has significant consequences. When mistakes are later discovered, the quality of the work is often far below what would reasonably be expected for his age and abilities, yet he strongly focuses on the fact that he “tried his best.” Any feedback or correction tends to quickly turn into defensiveness, emotional overwhelm, tears, or explanations about his intentions and effort rather than accountability for the result or reflection on the process that led there.

I also notice a recurring dynamic where there may not have been an explicit instruction given, and he leans heavily on that technicality to defend himself, even when common sense, attention to detail, or asking for clarification would likely have prevented the problem. It becomes very difficult to separate genuine mistakes, immaturity, avoidance of responsibility, and possible oppositional behavior because the emotional reaction often shifts the focus away from the actual issue.

Hello TSG family. As shared, my wife & I are deeply divided on parenting. I practice TSG with success with our 15-yo son & 12-yo daughter; my wife leans toward a modern progressive, permissive approach. Our 18-yo adult son has a 4-year history of severe opposition, ADHD, & divide-and-conquer manipulation. He refuses therapy, meds, or TSG, & has chosen verbal & physical aggression requiring law enforcement in the past.
Two major incidents occurred last week. On Thursday, our son left his car window open & slept with the only key fob instead of leaving it in the designated location. Due to his history of losing a prior fob costing hundreds of dollars & our toy poodle recently surviving near-fatal surgery from swallowing loose items, I entered his room to locate the fob. He woke up highly dysregulated with mouth tape on, gesturing aggressively. When he mumbled illegibly & refused to cooperate, I checked his shorts pocket, & he slapped my hand. Recognizing the risk of past violence, I remained calm & exited. My wife vehemently disagreed with removing his vehicle privileges, prioritizing upcoming graduation parties over the safety boundary.
Consequently, I implemented a vehicle PIN lock, maintaining an 85-MPH speed max & Chill Mode for safety after tracking recent 82-MPH expressway logs with him driving. Our son escalated into a power struggle over these limits. He began yelling & pointing aggressively at my wife outside. After I assisted him with entering the PIN to drive (refusing to remove speed controls), he pursued me into the house. To avoid a physical altercation, I walked away & locked myself in my home office. He followed, banged violently on the door, & screamed profanities. I opened the door to calmly state I would call police if aggression continued. He refused to surrender the keys, so I re-locked the door, reminding my wife he makes his own choices. My wife then surrendered her own keys to appease him.
Currently, my wife takes Ubers or has him chauffeur her to allow him unhindered use of her vehicle. I honored her choice but told her our other vehicle is off-limits until he cooperates. Our new family therapist pathologized my tactical retreat, suggesting I triggered his aggression by checking his pocket instead of fostering his agency, placing sole responsibility for his violence on my actions. Any thoughts outside of attempting a rule of 3? Since Mom caves I wonder if you see any other options? Thanks!

I'm watching the current skill sprint on bonding and think my problem could be a bonding issue. My daughter will be 5 yo this year. For at least a year, after she developed good language skills, she has been critical of mostly me sometimes her father, and speaks in a snarky tone that sounds to me like a sarcastic entitled teen. She does this during normal conversation almost every day. Just now, I was sitting down to write this question, and she sat on her dad's rowing machine. I had put a large box next to it recently so I moved it out of her way. Without any warning, she said "why did you put that box there, don't you know dad uses it". She doesn't look at me when she says things this way and she uses a monotone voice as if she isn't really curious or care if I answer. She also has a very annoying speech pattern of extending her syllables at the end of a sentence as if she's too tired to speak making me think of one of those out of touch wealthy characters in a movie. Even though it happens almost every day, I have not gotten used to it or known how to respond. One of her favorite criticisms is if I make a u turn while driving, or if I say oh the store is closed, or anything I do that she calls a mistake and she will say "why didn't you know that …" Honestly, my blood starts to boil whenever she questions me on anything because she sounds so shaming. I understand where some bonding issues have come from, her dad and I have argued a ton since she was born, we are only just beginning to see the light in how to get along with each other and be good TSG type parents, and I think that has really damaged her trust in me and him over the years. I tell her not to question her dad and ask him why he does things when she sounds critical but he does not do that for me. I've heard her say to him "why does mom want us to do it this way" and he tells her he doesn't know and even sounds like he thinks it's ridiculous too. At times, I tell her that her question and tone is inappropriate and it's okay if I make mistakes but I probably sound frustrated when I say it and I'm not sure how to pull off correcting her. Should I tell her she is being disrespectful when she points out mistakes or questions my decisions and correct that or let her know she is allowed to question things but teach her to use a different tone. I believe she is allowed to have questions like why I didn’t know the store was closed but her tone and attitude feel shaming. Thank you