Please review loss of privileges. What is a loss of privilege mean? What do I need to do for him and what is a privilege. How do I manage sneaking privileges? How do we manage privileges like driving which feel like a punishment for us if we take it away. Our 16 year old son lost privileges 10 days ago and it feels like TSG is a wedge between us. What can we do to repair the relationship, be consistent, and give him the environment where he is most likely to choose self governance? Even before the loss of privileges we did not have open communication. I am suspecting he is high functioning neurodivergent and he seems to want us to guess his thoughts and put together a puzzle of what he wants. He seems depressed, very low motivation, his grades are dropping from straight A's to 3 F's. He is only motivated to do the easy work but he is very capable. thank you so very much.

My daughter just went through the Evaluation process to get confirmation on whether or not she is autistic (which I already suspected was going to be the case) and we got the results yesterday. She was diagnosed with Autism Level 1, and an Anxiety Disorder. She was sobbing yesterday and angry for being autistic because she says that makes her a freak. I was not able to comfort her. She would not accept hugs from me and anything I said just made her escalate into more anger. She is angry at me and blames me for her autism and is angry at God for cursing her. I remained calm and kept saying that I would like to talk to her but she would have to get calm first but she was unable to calm down in my presence. I would like to know, if someone is sobbing, does the same 'Calm down' rule apply, in other words, do they have to stop crying before you can talk to them? (She would not let me comfort her anyway because any attempts I made to hug or talk to her only made her escalate into anger). Also do you have any advise on what I could say or do to help her? I have a therapy appointment set up for her next week. I hope a professional can help her because this situation is beyond my ability to handle alone.

Our son is neurodiverse and is 34 Y/O. He lives at our home due to a complex medical situation that he has.
He is employed part time at a local YMCA in members services. He also takes Tae Kwon Do as a leisure activity on Friday evenings. He can't attend the Wednesday evening class for TKD because of his work schedule so a women in his class offered to tutor him on Weds. mornings when he's free. The problem that keeps presenting itself is that Matt wants to 'switch shifts' with other workers or make a case for taking a day off anytime his TKD schedule is changed. For instance his tutor needs the week off due for a spring break trip. He then tries to alter his work schedule to accommodate seeing another tutor. This entails multiple phone calls to find another tutor, and countless amounts of time to RE INSTRUCT him and to remind him that WORK is the priority and that he can't change his schedule at work to accommodate his leisure activity. It really comes down to accepting a NO ANSWER as well. He continues to have difficulty accepting a no answer; especially dropping the subject. I try to help him conceptually understand the reason behind the no answer but his work ethic is poor and he doesn't seem to understand priorities. The priority list is in order: God, Family, Health, Work, friends, leisure/ hobbies, entertainment. Matt gets very stressed out when changes occur in the TKD schedule. At this time I feel that after his belt test in 2 weeks, that we need to take a break from TKD until he can demonstrate how to accept a no answer. If we sign up again, I can only foresee a lot more stress and anxiety about the same dynamics. We have had mentoring meetings with him regarding these concepts/behaviors but we have not seen the progress we were hoping for. His emotional brain is really getting the best of him when it comes to TKD and his work ethic remains disordered at a lower rank on his priorities list. Do you feel this is the next step to take in this situation? I am also at a loss in how to help him grasp the dignity and importance of his job and how to make that a priority. Any advice would be great. Thank you!

Last night, my almost 5 and 3 year old were not settling down for bed. We have a nice easy bedtime routine that ends with reading books together. Most nights this goes well because we all love reading together but last night I felt helpless to get them back onto the routine while they both jumped on the bed and ran from room to room. They usually calm down by the time my husband comes upstairs but last night he was busy and I felt frustrated and helpless. My 3 year old son was slamming himself onto the bed and jumping on top of his sister. She was complaining about him jumping on her even though she was playing too. After telling them both to settle down several times, I decided to physically pull him off the bed and carry him to the stairs telling him he had to go downstairs with his dad. My husband came up at that time and helped me but before that I was doubting that should have grabbed him. Is it okay to grab a child that is out of control and could hurt another child with their actions? Or is that a boundary and I should find other ways to spare her any injury like getting between them or removing my daughter from the bed? I didn't yell but I was mad and that's why I feel touching him in any way at that time could have been wrong. Other instances where I use physical force to control them are pulling something out of their hands that I told them not to touch like a spoon out of my bowl or my coffee cup etc…. Should I be using my voice only to get those things back and let them run off with them instead of taking it from them? I have to be fast to get it out of their hands and they look so surprised so I wonder if it's passively violent and a reaction I need to change. Thank you

Yesterday, I told my autistic daughter who is 18 years old (turning 19 this month) that she still had to do her chore even though she told me last minute she no longer needed a ride as her plans had changed. She flew into a rage, yelled at me, cursed at me, insulted me, broke my glasses and physically assaulted me. She ran into my room and barricaded the door. She only came out when I said I would go get her cell phone. She said she could sue me if I took her cell phone as that would be considered theft. She didn't stop her violent rant until I threatened to call 911. I stayed calm during the entire episode except at one point I did try to forcibly open my bedroom door while she was barricading it closed. Later when she calmed down, I told her that I can no longer afford to live in the house if she does not help pay expenses, do chores and help with house maintenance. That is the reality. I am a single Mom. I have spent so much of my resources, energy and even my health in order to get her through High School and help her get into college but I just can't physically or financially do it anymore. If I sell my house, I would be able to downsize and get a one bedroom condo in a 55 plus community. She would not be able to live there with me as they only allow adult to children to visit. She then reluctantly said 'Fine!' she will cooperate. Afterwards she actually did some yard work, baked a cheesecake for Easter and was somewhat friendly. When I went to give her a GoodNight hug, she copped her usual bad attitude and wouldn't let me hug her. I told her again that if she won't stop with her bad attitude etc…, I will sell the house. I told her I loved her and cared for her but I cannot live like this, where I am being yelled at and physically assaulted and it is bad for my health. I do actually have health problems. I don't think I could hold down a full time job at this point. I need to rest and recuperate so that I can move forward in my life. She then said she would have no where to go, but at the same she cannot let me 'Win'. My 'winning' to her means she 'gives in' and has a relationship with me. I told her that I would 'Win' if I moved into my own place and would have some peace. She already said she would leave me alone in my old age so what would it matter if I was alone sooner? She then started to rant that she is a 'freak' (meaning autistic), she would end up alone, that her life will never get better, that I had an easier life than she. What do I do?

Hi Nicholeen! I have a question regarding my adult son. He just turned 25 and it has been an uphill battle dealing with his often overpowering personality that can get emotionally abusive. We have had some good things happen the last few months, including family therapy, that have helped us communicate a little better, but I still struggle with PTSD from his verbal abuse. To his credit, he has taught himself to restrain himself a lot, but inevitably he tires of it and does what I call an explosion, which basically means that he unloads on me with yells and insults, as well as his blaming me for failing as a parent. Anyway, I've been facing my fears with him by not hiding in my room but I feel very tense all the time. I've prayed for help and Heavenly Father provided the way for some relief for me because my son finally got a job, and it's one that he should be able to do very well at. My question to you is, what would be a good way to ask him to move out now? I actually am thinking I can give him a couple months to settle in to the new situation of his work, and then have a talk with him about moving out. I'm uncertain of how to word this because he is very good at speaking, while I am not, and I get discouraged easily and tend to find myself giving in to his wants. I believe he wants to move out too but hasn't felt he has the mental capacity to face the responsibilities of adulthood and living on his own. I would appreciate any advice; thank you!

Hi Nicholeen, as I’ve shared I have implemented TSG in my home for the last two years, navigating a dynamic where my wife opposes the system & our children follow it somewhat half-heartedly, I feel because Mom opposes I am preparing for our mentoring call & reflecting on recent discerning.

A close family friend & therapist acting as a life coach for my wife has recommended I drop TSG altogether. She suggested I simply "trust in the Lord" & model my own self-government while dropping the TSG language & system entirely with our kids. When I discerned that we needed a more objective, independent party for our marriage counseling due to what I perceived as conflict of interest, she reacted defensively, stating I was being "inflexible" & "closed-minded." She warned that I would "ruin my life" by staying on this path but could not provide specific examples of my supposed closed-mindedness.

Despite this pushback, I see daily reminders of why the skills and teaching are vital. When my wife or I give instructions in a non-TSG way, the children often delay or ignore them. My wife, who tends toward an "obliger" and modern progressive parenting style, often ends up doing the tasks for them (like walking the dog) instead of holding them accountable. I met with the priest who married us for counseling & he noted that this undermining is detrimental, yet warned she may not change her habits.

My concern is the cultural pressure to treat the home like a therapy session where everything is about "expressing emotions" rather than teaching Self-Government & Self-Sufficiency. How do I maintain the Pillars of Self-Government & continue to lead my children with Calmness & Consistency when external "experts" & my spouse are actively encouraging me to abandon the system & the use of Consequences? I want to challenge my kids to grow, but I feel I am being told that providing structure is "inflexible." I suggested a 30 day trial of mom taking the lead, & my following a different approach while holding rules around aggression and respect, & other non-negotiables. Interestingly, my wife & her coach want to focus on my easing up while not budging on testing a new method out. Thoughts?

Hello! My 10 year old son is very intelligent, but has several sensory issues, and has his whole life. The list is long, but I’ll give a few examples. He doesn’t like words touching him (esp on clothing), words on his food, or even words touching his food (for example if his food is cut with a knife that has print on it, he’ll ask if the words touched his food & refuse it if so). Just a couple days ago he asked his sister for a piece of a her new chocolate bar, realized it had words on it and tried to give it back. He enjoys reading though, so kind of a conundrum.

Cursive writing was a big no until he started learning it in school & now he is okay with it (still doesn’t prefer it but doesn’t have a reaction to it like he used to). There is hope!

He is very particular about clothes, and wears the same outfit most days. His handwriting has always been an issue, but he recently discovered erasable pens. Now those are a preference & they do assist with legibility. I don’t mind preferences that help. However, most of his preferences/sensory issues make daily life overly complicated.

He is in counseling, and scheduled for an evaluation in May. So far he has been diagnosed with anxiety only but I am suspicious of other co-morbidities.

I have a lot of questions on this topic, but I’ll start by asking how do you work through legitimate sensory issues? I have tried to ask him about it, but he really can’t describe why these things bother him, other than saying “they make him feel grossed out.” He has had a physical reactions, ranging from meltdowns (more so in his younger years) all the way down to disgusted facial expressions (not forced). I don’t have the right words to articulate yet, but I know it’s not attention seeking or manipulation. We’ve tried the wait and see – to see if he’d outgrow any of it and, other than cursive, the same issues remain.

I often feel judged by family & others because they assume he’s manipulating (though they’ve not been around enough to have an opinion), or they don’t think his sensory issues are a big deal (because he is intelligent). They haven’t seen the daily evidence/persistence/oddities/legitimacy (a child doesn’t turn down chocolate if it’s manipulation, for example). We’ve disciplined him for some of this over the years too, and it still persists & actually made his SI worse. He responds well to TSG skills though!

I fear meds are going to be the answer we get, but I want other perspectives. Thank you!

My husband was identified as having ADHD when he was in grade school. He has lived a very isolated life, working in the family business, having few friends, and mostly focused on his hobbies. When we met and got married I was unaware of how damaging ADHD is to relationships. I thought his ADHD traits (the ones that I saw) were quirky and not a big deal until after we were married and had children. He has very few skills in time management, making plans and following through, emotional regulation, and effective communication. He doesn’t want to identify problems or work on solutions with me. He discounts my opinions and minimizes my concerns about almost everything not just parenting and our children. I think he has chosen passive parenting methods just to avoid conflict. Our children are almost 5 and almost 3 and I know this has negatively effected them and me. After being married and a parent with him for 6 years, I feel like I am going crazy.
I recently started writing our family vision but when you say that both parents should be a part of writing the vision and have some agreement on it I feel like that is nearly impossible and I become very discouraged.
I hear so often that it’s common for women to be much more aware of the big picture than men but I do believe my husband was not capable of having a regular job or living away from his parents, and other adult goals because of his ADHD so he is not the typical man.
How do I move forward with TSG and any other goals I have for the family or just life with an ADHD husband without feeling discouraged and resentful? I think this is something I need to do inside myself but I’m having such a hard time accepting I can make changes without his cooperation. Thank you

I'm trying to follow all the steps to a proper correction…
When it comes to practicing role play 3 times I feel like it gets out of hand with my 4 year old twin boys. I wrote down all 8 steps word for word that your robot gave me because it seems to describe it better than the little cue cards?? I just need to be able to read everything I need to say.🫣 They really like it when I get out my note book and read every word. But when it comes to the role play. We are lost… For example I will pretend to be them and say you were whining like this and I start whining like them. They love that part and now when I do a correction they start pretending to whine like mommy?? They only want to practice the wrong way. The right way is not as fun. When they touched something they are not to touch. I pretend to touch it and then take my hand away at the not answer. But then they seem to want to touch it more🫨😥 . I feel like I'm doing something really wrong. How can I make the right way be the way they want? Saying ok and not whining is not as fun to them as whining?? And saying no and not touching is not as fun as touching?? They like doing chores. And they love all the extra attention. And I know I need to give them more. I'm working on trying to be more attentive to that. But it is hard because I do have 4 other children and a paralyzed mother in-law who also need attention plus we try to grow all our own food. So I'm often feeling very torn in how to best spend my minutes. 🙏 Any thoughts are welcome.🙏