We are an orthodox Jewish family where the women wear skirts below the knee, elbow sleeves and don't show cleavage. On Friday night and Saturday, our Shabbat/Sabbath, we dress in festive clothing.
Our 17 year old daughter is going through a very difficult time now with anxiety, depression and adhd. She also has significant sensory issues – she says that she feels naked and/or tangled in a skirt and is unbelievably particular about dresses because she's uncomfortable with her bust. We have been very flexible with her and have allowed her to wear very very flared pants instead of skirts, but for the Sabbath, coming to our 2 festive family meals, we asked that she wear dresses or skirts. A few weeks ago, my husband even went as far as to allow her flared pants for the Sabbath, as long as they're dress pants.
She continues to push the envelope, and tries to put on black jeans on the Sabbath, saying she looked everywhere for flary dress pants and can't find any. We even got her a sewing machine for her birthday, so she could sew her own pants, but she's taking too long to learn how to use it.
We insist that until she finds or sews or orders a tailor to sew the perfect pants, she simply needs to wear skirts or dresses (she is also allowed to wear fitted pants under a knee-length dress). She ruins our festive mood and keeps everyone waiting and hungry as she tries on a million things from her closet and rejects each one.
To date our solution has become to give her a time limit and take away her computer for the week if she's not dressed by the deadline. Until last Friday, she never passed the deadline, although she was so busy with her dress up that she didn't help set the table. After she passed the deadline on Friday, she continued to argue with us for days that it's not fair, that she didn't do anything bad – she simply can't find comfortable clothes that fit our "arbitrary" standards. Our response was that we feel for her, and we've been very flexible, but she has had months to come up with solutions.
What are your thoughts? How can we avoid beginning our festive family meals with this struggle every week?
One more important component to consider is that she is also rebelling religiously and doesn't like the dress code not only on account of her physical discomfort.
Thank you,
Rachel

Sometimes when I guide my 4-year-old child to get calm, she says:
“How come I have to be calm? I like being excited more than calm! Why can’t I be excited instead?”
Or:
“I know you want me to be calm, but being calm is not cute!” (Girly things are very important to her at this age.)
I usually respond by explaining to her that being calm helps us think better, and this is usually satisfactory enough. But I’m still curious to learn if you have any other thoughts on how to respond to these objections about getting calm–especially in a way that her 4-year-old mind understand. Thank you!

Would you be able to review what you do if you have taught a skill and the young adult inconsistently does the skill?
My son, although he knows his morning care and we have a velcro list that he can manipulate when he is working through the list, often needs supervision or re-direction to complete the list. He like to "take his time" when doing it even though he may need to leave for work or an appointment. He gets distracted, (ADD) and wastes a lot of time. I give him an hour before he has to get a nebulizer treatment to get that list and a second list done which is much shorter. He seems to drag his feet. I have
challenged him this week to do it completely independently and demonstrate his 'self governance' in this area.
My question is how to I address his lack of consistency? I want it to be a positive thing if possible. I have thought about giving him the option to earn lunch out if he completes it independently 3 days in a row, but that really isn't self governance. Let me know how to manage things when he consistently misses the mark in completing things he should be able to do independently. Do I give a correction? I can't recall from our training how to handle this.
Thank you!
Marilyn Jacoby

Thank you so much for the call we had last week. As per our call, I am doing my best to remain calm and describing her actions back to her. Whenever I ask her to do anything she gets angry, raises her voice, bullies me by angrily shouting orders to me as in for example, 'You do it!', 'Move out of the way!' 'I'm not doing that!', curses at me and insults me instead of being able to calmly discuss the situation, let alone disagree appropriately. Yesterday I asked her to take out recycling, which is her weekly chore, she got angry, said she was busy doing something else and started bullying me in the manner I described. I mirrored her negative behavior and she said to me point blank that I don't need to tell her what she is doing and saying, she knows what she is doing as she does it on purpose. She admitted that she emotionally manipulates me with her bad attitude! I then told her later that chores are a part of daily life living in a household and we have to just do them, say OK, be OK and drop the subject and she said she doesn't like doing them because she doesn't want me to be happy. She was ranting at me and the only way I could get her to stop was to say she had an extra chore, however my 'extra chores' do not follow the exact TSG method (because I didn't know how to implement the Rule of 3 correctly) so I feel stuck in this pattern as follows… She is rude to me, walks away etc… and I have told her that she gets an extra chore and it is simply this, I cross out a day in the calendar which is a day I won't drive her to college or work unless she does a chore (usually wash the dishes). I have a calendar with days blacked out going well into April. In our call we discussed that I don't give her a chore, just mirror what she does and says calmly since she is 18. My questions are as follows, what do I do and say when she barks out orders angrily to me? How do I get her to stop ranting? Also, there are chores I need her to do around the house out of necessity, if she just refuses to do them, our household will have problems as my health is not good. For example, the day before yesterday, I needed her to do yard work because I cannot afford to pay a landscaper to do it and I had already done 2 hours worth and I was too weak to continue. She had to do it. She did finally complete the yard work in about an hour and a half in exchange for me driving her for two days of work and school but she made sure to yell at me, bully me with her orders and insult me.

Hi Nicholeen, I am seeking guidance on maintaining Self-Government & staying Calm while navigating a significant divide in my marriage regarding parenting & outside mentorship. As a reference point, I previously shared about our 18-year-old son’s physical & verbal aggression, which has required law enforcement intervention four times. Due to his history of deceit & false accusations of me being an abusive father, I have chosen not to engage in any physical "soft holds" to ensure safety & protection for everyone. I am currently maintaining a respectful distance & minimal interactions, letting him know I desire a relationship if he chooses to show basic respect & cooperate with basic rules. My wife & I have been more emotionally distanced & she continues to disagree with TSG & my parenting. She is currently halfway through a 4-month faith-based coaching program led by a friend who is a PhD in psychotherapy but practices life coaching. Her lens is Conscious Discipline. This friend has been mentoring my wife & has now, since my wife shared our struggles, met with us together for what she calls coaching. She also met with all three of our children together to gauge their view. She met with me one-on-one once & then pivoted to meeting with my wife & I together. I began to reflect & discern that there is a conflict of interest. Even though she is a friend, I feel her objectivity is compromised because she is coaching my wife through her academy. Furthermore, after meeting with the kids, she explicitly asked me to "discern" about dropping TSG altogether. The kids shared a view of feeling like they lost their "fun dad," but I feel I have actually gotten closer to our 15 & 12-year-olds because I am holding myself to TSG skills & calmness. I told our friend that I felt the conflict was real & it is better she work with my wife one-on-one rather than trying to help us as a couple. She did not handle this professionally, which confirmed my concerns. My wife is now very upset because I said our friend is not the best person to meet with us as a couple. I am looking for guidance on how to handle this & whether I should suggest another therapist who is more aligned with the principles of Self-Government. Thank you for your help.

I'm looking for more ideas for how to communicate in a more understanding tone? New phrases or something so to not trigger my spouse.
This is the situation… I have 6 children from 13-1 in age a disabled mother in-law. I'm often always hurrying from one thing to the next and feel very pressured for time. But since listening to you I'm intentionally trying to slow down and put people and relationships before tasks and my schedule. Very wonderful challenge for me and much more fulfilling. So saying that I'm not always as patient with my husband as he wants me to be. One particular place I'm having trouble with is when my husband is extra busy or pressured with his work. And it's time for family worship (7am ish) everyone is waiting for worship because we don't eat until after worship so I really like it to not be too late because we all get hungry… If I ask my husband if he is ready to lead worship and he's busy he get very upset because somehow I'm supposed to know he's busy? His work is all on the computer and I can't tell what day is busy and what day is not? His work load is always changing. Do you have any ways to tell him you are waiting for him with out him feeling more pressure? What is the kindest and most understanding way to ask a busy person for time? 🥰 I love to hear all your ideas .💕

I think my High-Functioning autistic daughter is experiencing what might be called autistic burnout. She is 18 almost 19, living at home while going to college and working part time. I am single mother with no support and no resources. I am also struggling with physical health problems. I am trying to support my daughter and nothing I do is helping. The situation just keeps getting worse and worse. She is almost continuously out of instructional control. I am trying to follow TSG principals and in the last call it was pointed out to me that I wasn't doing the Rule of Three properly. I have the audio book but it is not clear which chapter deals specifically with the Rule of Three so apart from listening to the whole book, I cannot access specific information I need in what I would call a crisis situation. Her meltdowns are getting so bad she is starting to throw objects at me. I do my best to stay calm even though I am being assaulted. What do you say when your child throws an object at you? Obviously telling them they need to do an extra chore is not going to work. All I have is to threaten to call 911 which usually stops her behavior. The rest of the time, she shuts me out, when she does speak to me, it is with extreme hostility as she says she hates me and I am the source of all her problems. At the same time she just self-isolates alone in her room and only goes out to work or college which she is surprisingly still able to do but she is miserable and looks like she is going through a mental health crisis which I am not equipped to deal with. She will also say disturbing things like I (her Mom) is happy she is a freak (that is what she calls herself for being autistic) because it makes me fell better about myself because that makes me feel better than her. I think the pressure of entering adulthood with its challenges and disappointments are what is causing this extreme behavior. One of the disappointments she seems to be unable to cope with is her complete inability to get a boyfriend and the rejections she has had from boys she's liked. At the same time, she refuses to acknowledge that she may need to learn better social skills. My friends have advised me to have her removed from my home but I don't know where she could go. She has no friends or extended family members who would take her in. I am scared to just let authorities take her away. I don't know what they might do to her and if it wouldn't be worse for her. I want to help her myself if I can.

I’ve been doing TSG (mainly the 4 Basic Skills and calmness) with my 4-year-old daughter for 2 months now. My husband has chosen not to learn TSG at this time but seems to be more relaxed and happy ever since I started TSG–probably as a result of me being less stressed whenever our child misbehaves. He shows a lot of support for my learning TSG by making sure that he is available to watch our child whenever I have a TSG Zoom call–even if he has to rearrange his schedule for it.

My question has to do with my husband interfering during a TSG correction without realizing it. There are many situations when he has quietly watched me do a TSG correction and our 4-year-old child gets calm quickly. However, I noticed that in situations when she struggles to stay calm–to the point where we end up going to the Calm Down Spot–my husband will enter the room, ask her what is wrong, and then try to distract her with something to help her feel happy again. In these situations, my daughter might’ve already gotten calm temporarily but struggled to stay calm because she doesn't like the “No” answer that I just gave her. My husband would agree with the “No” answer, so I know that his problem has more to do with hearing our daughter cry.

I recognize that my husband is trying to help in the way that he knows how. He doesn’t realize that he is interrupting my efforts at giving a correction and guiding our child to use her TSG skills. I want to find a good time to talk with him about this, but I can’t figure out the words to explain it when he doesn’t know TSG.

Even though learning TSG isn’t a priority for my husband at this time, I don’t feel any resentment about it. I’ve accepted this as a “No” answer and trust him to decide when it is worth it to him. Yet, I still worry that he might take things the wrong way when I try to talk to him about the situation that I’ve mentioned above. I am hoping that he can see that my intent is to support him as his wife (vs. that he is doing it all wrong and that my way is superior). Can you help me with some sample scripts to communicate with him about this situation?