Tell Your Teens a Truth They’ve Been Waiting to Hear

By Nicholeen Peck

Parenting teens can be an adventure filled with laughter and challenges, but it can also feel like a never-ending emotional marathon. Why are the teen years so hard for parents and teens to navigate? Is there a way to find common ground and approach these years as a team?

Many parents ask me how to align their parenting strategies with their spouses. The answer is shared understanding—spouses need to learn the same parenting principles and self-government techniques to approach challenges through a united lens. However, even with aligned understanding, one spouse might resist change.

The same dynamic applies to parenting teens. Teens crave predictability and boundaries, just like younger children, but they also desire autonomy and self-direction. Their developing brains are maturing, giving them confidence, yet they remain in a liminal space—not fully ready for adult responsibilities but yearning to make their own choices, even if it means learning from mistakes.

This tension often creates confusion for both parents and teens. Teens want freedom but still need guidance. Parents want to teach and protect but also fear loosening their grip.

The Teen Perspective

Teens often have opinions about how they should be parented, which can create friction. If left unchecked, these perceptions can lead to disillusionment with their parents. However, teens also want to understand why their parents do what they do. When parents explain their reasoning, teens feel respected, which can foster mutual respect over time.

A Truth Teens Need to Hear

To build common ground, share this foundational truth about why parenting adjusts through development with your teen:

Parents are tasked with reforming their children—teaching skills, offering feedback, and correcting behaviors to lay a foundation for communication, problem-solving, and social development. This reformation stage provides predictability and stability but requires effort and consistency.

As children grow, parents transition from reforming to transforming their teen. The teen years are a period of transformation as children move toward adulthood. Although teens often feel ready for independence, their full cognitive, social, and emotional maturity won’t develop until their mid-20s. This gradual process can feel frustrating for both parents and teens.

Here’s the key: When teens demonstrate the ability to self-regulate and reform themselves, parents naturally shift toward granting more trust and freedom. This transition doesn’t mean parents stop correcting altogether, but it does signal a move toward a more collaborative, trust-based relationship. Teens need to know the truth about their development and about these two stages that parents have to take them through so that they can have the freedom to choose to start their transformation into adulthood sooner rather than later.

A Plan to Align

After sharing this truth, establish a plan with your teen to build trust and improve your relationship:

Step 1: Teach foundational skills.
Help your teen master essential self-mastery skills, such as following instructions, accepting “no” answers, boundaries, and criticism, self-correcting, disagreeing appropriately, and prioritizing strong family relationships. These self-government skills provide a framework for independence and problem-solving.

Step 2: Hold weekly check-ins.
Schedule regular proactive meetings to discuss your teen’s progress, their use of foundational skills, and the state of their family relationships. These conversations foster accountability and strengthen bonds. I call these check-ins Parent Mentor Meetings.

Step 3: Transition responsibilities gradually.
As your teen shows they can self-regulate, self-motivate, and do basic skills without being prompted, involve them more in solving problems and taking initiative. For example, instead of assigning a consequence when a correction happens, discuss what went wrong and guide them to find their own solutions. I call this stage “graduation,” which often begins around age 16. However, if steps 1 and 2 have not happened, then the teen must start there. Don’t worry, the older the brain, the easier it is for teens to go quickly through these steps if they desire to.

Notes for Parents

While transitioning responsibilities, parents will still need to step in at times—especially to address issues like curfews, media use, or social skills. Parenting teens isn’t about taking a hands-off approach but about fostering collaboration and mutual understanding.

When teens see that they have control over how quickly they earn more freedom, they may feel empowered to take greater responsibility for their actions. This can lead to a more enjoyable and united parent-teen relationship during these critical years.

Preparing Teens for Adulthood

The world has shown us that coddling doesn’t prepare young people for life. We’ve seen a generation struggle to transition into adulthood, often because they were coddled and passively went through their upbringing. Teens need active preparation, not just care and comfort.

When you help your teens transition from reformation to transformation, they become better equipped to navigate adulthood confidently and competently and take on personal responsibility.

It’s Never Too Late

Even if your teen is older, it’s not too late to start these steps. In my work with troubled teens, I’ve seen how these principles can be applied at any age. While older teens might move through the process more quickly, the principles remain effective.

Feeling disconnected from your child is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent state. By sharing this truth and creating a plan, you can strengthen your bond and help your teen thrive.

Parenting mastery is within reach. Let’s build relationships that prepare our teens for a bright future.