Comfort Zones | Why Kids Need Someone To Push Them

by Nicholeen Peck

“I’m scared” said two year old Clara when her uncle Porter was encouraging her to learn some swimming techniques while on a family trip.

“You’re okay. I’m right here. You can do it.” Porter said.

Clara fought the process a bit, but Porter wouldn’t be deterred. He knew that she was completely safe in her flotation device and that if she just stepped outside of her comfort zone then she could see that she could swim on her own. Doing builds confidence.

As I watched this process my heart was pleased that this good uncle was caring enough to teach his little niece that she didn’t need to be held captive by her comfort zone. He knew that freedom was not found in comfort, but in stretching past comfort and finding that she was able to do more than she thought that she could.

Even though every person craves their comforts, the pathways to success, freedom, and happiness are actually paved with discomfort. Why then are parents putting more and more focus on keeping children comfortable? If our society continues to focus on providing and maintaining comforts, could we unknowingly put our children in bondage? What should parents do instead? Is it possible to teach a child to step out of their comfort zones without being unkind?

Suffering

Recently, I heard a young man talk about how he just returned from serving people on a church mission in a foreign land for about 2 years. He slept on the ground, didn’t have a lot to eat, was spit at, yelled at, and attacked, had bed bugs from the ground, and had sores on his feet that never healed. Yet, he kept going. He kept serving the people and loving the people despite the hardships and the animosity.

As I heard him testify of miracles and how he saw God’s hand in his work I wondered what sort of parenting and upbringing he had in order to prepare him to see goodness and miracles during such hardships. He declared that he “suffered.” Yet, despite the suffering, he served others.

This young man was raised in Rural Idaho surrounded by farms and hardworking people. His childhood environment was about grit and hard work. Clearly, his community and family prepared him to push past fear and comfort zones for greater more meaningful purpose in life.

Comfort Parenting

It’s surprising to see the increased popularity of modern parenting trends that empower children to stay comfortable by coddling their fears when historically people have always become the greatest versions of themselves because of overcoming their trials and discomforts.

I have heard parents teach their children to say “that makes me feel uncomfortable” as a method to decline new opportunities or social situations. Even if the feeling of discomfort is real, the focus shouldn’t be on the feeling, it should be on working through the moment of discomfort by solving a problem or trying something new so that it isn’t “uncomfortable” any more.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not applying this lesson to sexual situations. I have done therapeutic treatment care for many children who were sexually abused. Children should learn how to recognize sexual boundaries and how to get out of dangerous situations. However, even then, I’m not a fan of the phrase, “that makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Instead, I taught children to say, “That’s inappropriate. I will not do that. No!” The reason for this adjustment is that “uncomfortable” can be applied to so many things and I didn’t want my children to think that discomfort is bad. Also, naming something as “inappropriate” gives a more concrete reason why a person must not engage in an action.

There are multiple reasons that parents are teaching children to stay in their comfort zones.

Many parents associate comfort with safety, and they want their children to learn to keep themselves safe. This reasoning is flawed however, because children naturally and developmentally need to push past safety boundaries in order to develop confidence and problem-solving skills. So, an emphasis on not stepping out of comfort zones, actually developmentally deprives a child by decreasing confidence and problem-solving abilities.

Parental emotions also lead to keeping children within comfort zones. Some parents are triggered by emotional responses from their child and allow their child to stay in comfort zones to ‘keep the peace’ at home. Other emotional reasons include parents wanting to be kind to their children or even wanting to be liked or approved of by their children.

Another common reason parents emotionally coddle their child and honor the comfort zones is because parents want their children to feel like they have a voice or a say in what happens to them. Especially if a parent has been abused, that parent can attempt to emotionally empower and coddle their child using the comfort zone concept. Parents who suffered abuse often feel like they didn’t get to voice their feelings, and that if they could of it might have changed their abuse story. Teaching children to proactively communicate will do more for stopping abuse than anything.

Voicing and discussing feelings, thoughts, and emotions, is an important part of understanding ourselves and needs to be part of a healthy upbringing. However, over processing or empowering our feelings, thoughts, and emotions can lead to feeling stuck and create a lack of childhood progression. So, wise parents use discernment when opening these types of conversations, and always proactively lead the conversation to how to solve the problem instead of simply affirming topics or feelings.

Bondage And Freedom

Parents who allow their children to use the “uncomfortable” excuse could unknowingly be creating physical, psychological, or emotional bondage for their child. When a child feels stuck by a feeling or fear we need to help them push past the fear by assuring them that they will be okay and that other people have done what they are needing to do before.

Why do we take children to public pools to teach them to swim? At a public pool children can see other children swimming. They can see that it is possible. While Porter was encouraging Clara to kick and move her arms around, a young girl, maybe age 6, came up to Clara and said, “I can help you kick your legs. Do it like this.” The girl then demonstrated for Clara.

Clara is far from being a proficient swimmer. She wears a floaty around her belly and is still learning to trust that flotation device to keep her up as she learns to kick and move through the water. But, by the end of her short lesson with Porter, she could move away from him and back again without panicking about it. Her anxieties were less and her confidence had improved. It’s amazing how even though, at first, any onlooker might have assumed she was having a bad time due to some whining, by the end she was happy, smiling, even getting her face in the water, and filled with much more confidence.

What if Porter would have worried about that whining? What if he would have wanted her to approve of him as an uncle and forced her into a comfort zone that would lead to no anxiety? Then, she would trust him less, trust herself less, and trust the water and the floaty less. She would have not developed the skill and confidence that his firm and loving teaching had produced. What a great uncle!

Teach your children self-mastery skills with this video by Porter.