Hi dear Nicholeen. I have a question about giving myself a no answer when my emotions are on overload. I've heard you say that we need to stop thinking about it and drop the subject, but I'm really struggling with doing that. Last night put me over the edge because my adult son and my husband went at it with words, to the point that my husband called the police. I already have serious traumas with confrontations in my life, and this was beyond terrifying for me. I tried desperately to bring peace and reasoning to the situation, but it was like I wasn't even there. My husband was trying to remain calm, but my son would not stop talking. My son has made incredible strides of improvement, but he refuses to accept his role as a brother and not father to my daughter. And this is what finally got to my husband and he exploded and they were verbally attacking each other. My son tried, in his own way, to be calm but he too lost it. Could you please give me some hands on tools that I could use to stop thinking about this awful experience, besides breathing? Thank you.

This question was submitted by: Amy Barber

My question is please help me to not engage in daily power struggles with all my children. They say things that I take exception too about my parenting, my lack of calm, my schooling choices, etc and I feel the need to explain to them which leads to us beginning a power struggle. Can you give me something I can do today, this hour to stop engaging with them and still communicate effectively and not power struggle? I probably use way too many words trying to explain my choices, etc and they love to point out what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I feel they act much too much like the parent instructing me in what I should do and I want to be the parent in the discussion and not engage in a power struggle. Help. I have watched the expectation trap, the power of calm and read the Roles book. Definitely a work in progress over here and very discouraged at my lack of ability to stop the power struggles. Thank you.

We just started TSG. My son is very respectful outside of the house but with me and my husband he’s the total opposite. We were talking about roles this week and he said he disagreed with us being his teachers. He said that he didn’t really see any reason why he would owe us any respect, and I didn’t know how to answer that. I just said, because we’re your parents, but that didn’t seem to be enough for him. How would you answer that? He’s my biological child and he was adopted by my husband. They don’t have the best of relationships and my son often complains that he didn’t choose to be adopted by him. I think there’s some resentment there that sparks some of the rebellion and disrespect. My son is also adamant about not following Bible teachings so telling him because God says is not an option at this time. Please help.

My boys (grandsons whom we are raising 8 yrs old) go to their Nanas once a week who is also trying to implement self government with them. A few times it seems the corrections are left for us to do at home. Often given a list of wrong behaviors requiring attention. I have expressed that they should be done there and that I don't need to know everything, unless harmful. I have also expressed that anything she has to tell me shouldn't be in front of the boys. Am I handling this correctly? One of the boys seems to be exposing himself every now and again. This time at Nanas. He hasn't done it at home for over a year. How does one handle this? He thinks it's funny but I have now pretaught and let him know that he will receive a major correction if this happens again. He says ok and again this hant happened at home for over a year. Help

So, I have heard you say that when a youth earns chores or 24 hour loss of privileges that they should complete all their chores before they get a return of privileges and that they should complete the tasks immediately. I have also heard you say that youth should be working the entire time that they have a loss of privileges. I have also heard you say that you should spend time with the youth who are in instructional control and don't have any chores or loss of privileges. So, my question is: how do you spend time with the youth that are in instructional control and keep your youth who earned all the chores and consequences on task at the same time? I am really in a quandary because if I go off and spend time with the youth who are being fun, then the youth in question rarely says, in their mind, "I am going to get these consequences done and stay on task and work hard so that I can go have oodles of fun when my privileges are back!" The real thinking is probably more along the lines of: "Legos…..look out the window…..cute baby brother to play with……I'm hungry…..". I would love to say that my youth eagerly hop on each tiny chore I give them and checks back IMMEDIATELY after I give them a chore AND that I actually remember that I actually gave said youth the chore how ever many minutes ago, but, in reality, not only does the youth get distracted, but I get so caught up in my tasks and other youths that more what happens is, "oh my gosh has it really been over an hour since I asked ———- to go do xyz? I should ask if they did that." And go on to find them happily playing or reading and NOT doing the chore. That is for a single chore, the 24 hours thing is just a giant mess. I just feel like for them to not go on a million little adventures, I would have to follow them around to make sure that they were "working" the entire waking portion of their 24 hours and completing all their consequences. I would not only neglect the youth who are being fun, but I would end up helping the one with a loss of privileges with all their tasks just to speed things along myself so I can go make myself a latte because now I am feeling rather parched. Help.

We've been giving my son 5 minutes to calm down, which has been helpful since he escalates from 0 to 100 quickly, often earning all 3 consequences within minutes when things don’t go his way or plans change. I’ve also implemented your suggestion of not accumulating consequences. We even shortened the 24-hour consequence period to 4 hours. This has helped reduce his outbursts to two major meltdowns this week. We might have avoided more, but on his way to calming down, he shouted disrespectfully, triggering the rule of 3 before calming down, and then refused to accept the consequences.

The next day, he came out for meals only, but when he was out he hurt his siblings, screamed disrespectfully and disrupted his dad’s meetings at work. I checked on him every 15 minutes, but 16 hours later he is still out of control.
I know my son has many skills to develop, which is why I appreciate the program, especially its focus on calmness and connection. On calmer days, even when he uses his prefrontal cortex, he often steps outside his role, and more often than not, he's condescending toward others. He tends to be controlling and bossy with his siblings and friends and struggles to cooperate unless it's his idea. He doesn’t pick up on social cues and plays unfunny pranks on people. During these times, I make an effort to give three praises for every correction and have him practice the skills he lacks. Everything is usually fine until he gets a no answer and explodes.
I believe part of the difficulty with the SODA exercises is that my 8-year-old struggles to take responsibility for his choices and the resulting consequences. He often hurts others but sees himself as the victim, even editing his memories and adding things that didn’t happen. This is why we have cameras throughout the house. But even with camera evidence, he’ll still argue against it.
When the program was working better for us, he was still receiving 4-hour consequences every other day. I don’t think he’s ever truly accepted the consequences.

Do consequences pause during the 5 min calm down when he goes out of control?

How do I persuade my husband to continue to allow me to homeschool and use this program when my son is so out of control?

My 7 year old is now ahead of my son in some subjects which is causing my son to belittle my daughter do I hold her back because my son can’t handle it? They are both years ahead academically, and you suggested a focus on subjects that are less triggering

Is it bad to give children choices? Say for example my son’s weekend chore is to mow the lawn, so I would ask him if he’s gonna do it Saturday or Sunday. Or say we’re planning on studying, I would ask him if he wants to study before or after chores. Everything still gets done regardless and he gets a consequence if he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to, but my husband says I should just say this is how it is and that’s it and that I empower him too much by giving him choices. What do you think?

I have a question about 24 loss of privilege and being out of instructional control. I understand the idea that if the child is talking back, yelling, not accepting consequences, attitude problem etc. you do the Rule of 3 which leads to loss of privilege if they get that far. But I know you've said somewhere that if the child runs away, or walks away during a correction, they are essentially choosing to be out of instructional control and they automatically earn all of the Rule of 3 consequences. So my question is what are the more subtle "out of instructional control" behaviors? My 14-year-old has been making a sack lunch, but buys a school lunch anyway (going into debt with the school because she's gone beyond our budget) and then lying about it. She also takes other people's electronics (mine, Grandma's, her sister's) into bed at night, sometimes breaking it, and lies about that. Are these out of instructional control behaviors that automatically earn 24 hours of no privilege, like walking away, or just extra chore or major maintenance? We've already done loss of privilege for 24 hours once when I discovered the school lunch thing, but she did it again the very next week. Thank you.

My 13-year-old son is very resistant to hearing any of the TSG training. We homeschool, and I have read aloud the Roles book, and introduced the basic skills a couple of years ago, but struggled implementing it on my own. Now that I finished my in-person training with my hubby, I am ready to try again, but my son just disrupts any attempts I make to review the skills, or especially role-play. I need to be able to implement this program, but know that he needs to understand what to expect before we do. He’s definitely very controlling and possibly ADHD and/or ODD. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

How often should a 15-month old baby get their way when they "disagree appropriately"?

For example, she is constantly (like 20 times a day) asking for food. Should we help her to "disagree appropriately" by giving her the words to say and then give her way? She also does this every time we are in the car (we got into the habit of giving her food when we get in the car, we learned our lesson).

What would you say is a good amount of yes's and no's to give in this situation?