What should the role of grandparents look like, particularly with disciplining/correcting? My husband and I have a young baby and have left her with our parents for date nights and short vacations. I worry though about when she gets older and stays with her grandparents while we're away and what corrections will look like. My parents want to be the fun grandparents and don't want to discipline grandchildren. They allow the grandkids to cheat in games, allow attitude problems, and give them whatever they want. My father-in-law on the other hand gets easily frustrated and will give consequences without pre-teaching based on his mood. The consequences are usually to go stand in the corner or sometimes spankings. Luckily my mother-in-law would be doing most of the watching and she is on board with TSG. She tried implementing TSG when her children were teenagers but she didn't have the support of her husband and wasn't consistent. I know I need to talk to them about our expectations but I am unsure of what to say.

Firstly…apologies for my grammar as my first language is not English.
I am about to finish the “Teaching Self-government” course and started to implement what I have learnt. My husband said he is happy to watch as well and make the necessary changes but he does not believe we should stop smacking our child. He bases his opinion in Prov. 13:24 and believes disciplining sometime requires smacking. Can you help me to show biblically that this is not the best way to discipline a child and specially a child who inly 5 years old and already very oppositional, maybe because of ASD and ADHD, but since I am the one who spends most of the time with my son, I know that if I get physical with him every time he doesn’t listen or is disrespectful, I will probably spend the day hitting him and end up destroying his soul. I feel I am managing to keep calm when my son confronts me and your strategies work most of the times but some days it doesn’t matter to him if he has to do extra chores or loose his privilegies and those are the moments we feel tempted to go back to the old ways of disciplining…threatening, raising the voice or smacking.

I am a serial engaged in power struggles. I start them, I engage my youth in them, and I have taught them to engage in them. I agree with you that I lecture and that I engage in power struggles because I desperately want my children to agree with my point of view. Not just understand, but agree with me. I want us all on the same page and to say “okay mom” and go do it because they agree. You telling me that they do not have to agree has been a good thing, but now, breaking the habit. My question: How do you stop the power struggle when it has already begun out of habit? How do you disengage from the power struggle when you are in it 1-3-6 minutes in and realize what you have done and desperately want to end it and restore relationship, respect and credibility with your youth? I engage in power struggles with my 4 kids ages 9-14 and want to break this habit ASAP. How do I use TSG in the middle of the power struggle? Thank you.

I am terrible at engaging in power struggles. I am definitely the one who allowed them to start and I definitely engage in them out of a strong desire to persuade my youth to agree to my point of view. Not understand it, agree to it and I will lecture and power struggle and argue hoping they will see reason. I am reviewing the chapters on communication and power struggle in your book, but I have a bad habit of engaging in power struggles with my kids ages 15, almost 16, down to 9. Here is my question: What does it look like to use TSG when you realize that you are a few minutes into the power struggle and desperately want it to end and get back on track? How do you use TSG when you get to the: "Oh shoot, I am in a power struggle again and I really, really don't want to be here"? When I hit this point, I want to back up and not engage with my child, but we are in the thick of it and I don't know how to get back to where we need to be, salvage the relationship, and get back some credibility with my child. It bothers me that I don't often see myself in a power struggle until I am there and then I don't know what to do to deescalate the situation and get back on track. Thank you.

I am terrible at engaging in power struggles. I am definitely the one who allowed them to start and I definitely engage in them out of a strong desire to persuade my youth to agree to my point of view. Not understand it, agree to it and I will lecture and power struggle and argue hoping they will see reason. I am reviewing the chapters on communication and power struggle in your book, but I have a bad habit of engaging in power struggles with my kids ages 15, almost 16, down to 9. Here is my question: What does it look like to use TSG when you realize that you are a few minutes into the power struggle and desperately want it to end and get back on track? How do you use TSG when you get to the: "Oh shoot, I am in a power struggle again and I really, really don't want to be here"? When I hit this point, I want to back up and not engage with my child, but we are in the thick of it and I don't know how to get back to where we need to be, salvage the relationship, and get back some credibility with my child. It bothers me that I don't often see myself in a power struggle until I am there and then I don't know what to do to deescalate the situation and get back on track. Thank you.

So we continue to make progress with TSG in our home, with me being the one implementing and my wife not so much. One of the things I’ve tried to asking her to avoid his picking up messes that our children leave behind, which tends to be more extreme with our 16-year-old son who struggles with ADHD. I used to think he would do it on purpose, but now I do believe it’s mostly because of being distracted (although I do believe opposition kicks in sometimes and he power struggles by leaving things or complaining when instructed to pick up)

I’ve tried to explain to my wife that it is an opportunity for him to continue to work on better habits, more responsibility in picking up after himself, and learning cause-and-effect.

I think part of it might be that she gets anxious and worries that we will have an argument, or he will blow up as those things have happened in the past. The interesting thing is that she actually leaves things messy and doesn’t pick up after herself often. It seems to me that she doesn’t pick up after our other children nearly as much, not only because they don’t leave things as messy, but because she doesn’t seem to focus on their mess and respond with picking up for them. I almost feel like she can’t help herself sometimes with our oldest son and feels the need to save him from natural and any consequences.

I used to pick up after the kids a lot more before TSG, and now I’ve worked on accepting the mess and seeing it as God teaching me how messy life can be, but also with TSG I now I also see the value of chores and consequences for the children to learn cooperation, and independence along with the value of being tidy.

Any suggestions on speaking to my wife and phrasing for this continued message?

Thank you always!

If a child loses their privileges, accepts the consequence, gets about half way through the day and then begins not following instructions again, what should one do? We've been "pausing" the time and adding it on when the child begins following instructions again but I'm not sure this the best, or clearest, way to handle it.

My 9 yr old daughter is dare I say behind in homeschool math and writing. I think there is a direct correlation with her attitude problems when challenged. Her reading and comprehension skills on the other hand are exceptional…she has read all the books in the house, sans the adult books, and we go to the library weekly. She can cook and bake from recipes and enjoys history. She is the eldest of 5. When her younger brothers are working on something she has previously found difficult…she will say how easy it is. It seems to me that she feels she has to dominate in intellect since she is older. My husband and I both agree that it may benefit her to get a formal ADD diagnosis. What are your thoughts on this? We do not want to medicate, although I do want to help her understand how her mind works and what challenges she may face and how to persevere. She is very easily distracted and forgets simple instructions often. I’m realizing as she gets older how much she struggles with this compared to her brothers and peers. When she doesn’t understand something she can be quite mean. I’m trying not to take it personally. I guess my question is how to instill intrinsic motivation into subjects she finds difficult, thoughts on ADD, and when to worry about her getting agitated easily, and when to worry about her trying to control her brothers (eg…calling them names…like literally a name that is not their when they don’t think it’s funny, often leading play, telling them want to do etc.).
Thank you!!!!

I haven't yet achieved a successful Parent Counseling Session with any of my children.
I have a disturbed 11yr old son who really needs to talk to me about what is troubling him but we don't get along very well and he doesn't open up to me about anything. He is very intelligent and can reason and argue his way out of anything and he doesn't mind telling me when he thinks I'm lying (I don't tell lies) or asking more of him than I ask of the others. He has a very laid back nature and doesn't like to do tasks or chores or schoolwork (I'm trying to homeschool 6 children at the moment) He says he hates homeschool and wants to go back to main school.

He is one of the middle children of 10 and I know he's been missed alot in the flurry and scurry of my solo parenting. I'm concerned about the young man he will become and that there'll be no controlling him in the near future.
How do I make him a priority when all 10 are greatly disturbed and needing me every minute? How do I know which one is the priority in that moment?
How do I want to spend time with him when he continually rejects every word I say and resists me at every turn?
Other children are wanting my advice and help so I'm naturally wanting to spend time with them.
What should I think when I have the choice to work with the more receptive children or the rejective ones?
This is not very easy to say but I find him, Mum Repellent.

We have a newly adopted 17 year old son that has been in our home over two years.
1. What do you do when he just won't talk refuses to acknowledge or do anything. 2. Won't talk and refuses to do chores (or anything). 3. All of his stuff is taken and we have nothing else to offer good or bad that he responds to (he does not have video games, airsoft guns, iphone-iphone was taken because he uses it for inappropriate things and to play video games non-stop)-he may watch TV with us though or an approved show-but he just won't talk to us now. Gives long periods of silent treatment. 4. He violates every single thing he can, too much to keep up with in terms of consequences. 5. Just says he will stay in his room and doesn't have to do anything.