We learned about TSG at the recent GHC Ohio conference and purchased some of the resources. We tried to start implementing right away with our 4- and 6-year old children. Sickness hit last week which didn't help, but I'm also certain now that I didn't implement well. We read all the children's books with the kids and tried to dive in with the skills without really understanding pre-teaching, the calm down spot, modified rule of 3, etc.

Since attempting to start, it seems like my 4-year old has had more meltdowns than ever. I don't know how to right-course or if we stay the course (are increased meltdowns common when starting out?). Do we table the TSG stuff until I have a chance to understand implementation better? Do we keep fumbling our way through, course correcting as we learn better? I don't know how to handle when my son starts having the fits since we haven't effectively pre-taught for it, and still feel at a loss to know how best to go about it at this point.

Can you please give my wife and I some direction relating to our daughter Emily? She is nine and the oldest of our three girls. She was baptized, and used to pray sometimes, but now doesn’t want to when invited. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints and have challenges getting her to want to attend our local church, even though she has friends and teachers there whom she respects. Last Sunday our entire family got dressed and drove to the church, but she would not get out of the car. Her youngest sister also stayed in the car. Keeping calm and not thinking they should be left alone, I stayed with them, and the three of us ended up at our home which is a short distance away. After their mother came home as well, Emily and her sister Anna agreed to return for her sister Anna’s class, which we did.

Emily is also an avid reader, but only reads scriptures at church. She also recently checked out the Wings of Fire series from the library. The problem is the later books have a lot of violence and even some LGBT content of which we do not approve. She likes to read late at night, but has had a problem brushing her teeth consistently. We finally made an agreement with her that she can read in bed after she has brushed her teeth, but she’s continually pushing our boundaries. Finally, one evening after she had challenges turning off the light and going to bed, she went into her mom’s room. After I had learned more about the Wings of Fire series, I took all of these later books from her and have them hidden. The problem is she’s now asking for them back. Do you have any advice for us?

What skills/advice/suggestions can I give my 3 children (7yr old boy, 4 yr old girl, and 2 yr old boy) when their dad isn't calm?

The visits with their father have recently increased from a few times a year to every month. We (the kids and I) have been using TSG skills since January. Among the numerous benefits and blessings, the TSG way has given my 7 and 4 year old vocabulary to talk about what happens on their visits. For example, when I asked about the scratch under my 4 year old daughter's eye, she said "Dad was giving [brother] a correction, but he didn't do it the right way. He wasn't calm." I asked my son about it and he said he was able to get out of the way, but Dad got his sister on accident and there were a few other times when "Dad wasn't calm". During a different conversation, the 7 and 4 year old asked if I would "teach Dad the skills so he can get calm".

I have provided my ex-husband with the cue-cards and a link to the website and told him how helpful the training has been for me to maintain calmness in stressful situations. I already know about my ex-husband's impulsive and unpredictable physical anger. I did what could be done during the divorce, but there were a lot of hard no-answers I had to accept because of what his legal rights are. So legalities aside, what can I give my children?

So far, I told my oldest son, that like with his siblings, don't engage or try to talk with someone who isn't calm. Wait until they are in the front brain to disagree appropriately. Wait until your Dad is calm.

In writing this, I realize I've left out the biggest help which TSG encourages: Pray WITH my children about this specifically. They aren't alone in this.

That's what I love so much about TSG. The kids and I are always brought closer and closer to our Lord.

I am the single mother of a High Functioning Autistic daughter (turning 19 tomorrow) who is in her freshman year of college while living at home with me. I own the house we live in. She became increasingly more and more hostile towards me over the past year and even started having severe violent meltdowns after graduating High School. She has told me that she hates me and wants to move out and does not want to pay rent or contribute with household chores. The household expenses and maintenance are too much for me alone. If she were to not contribute, then I would not be able to afford to keep my house. I could downsize by selling my house and buying a condo in a 55 plus community where she would not be allowed to live. In other words, if I sold my house, she would have to find her own place to live and fend for herself. I have been having conversations with her about this and it seems she is starting to comprehend the seriousness of the situation and has become somewhat more cooperative and friendly. I think she is actually too scared to move out and really has nowhere to go. I want to make a set of rules for her to follow in order for me to keep the house and have her live here. Besides having to start paying rent and being responsible for some specific chores, my question is is it feasible to also put in some relational rules as a requirement for her to stay living in the house? Some of the rules I am thinking to include are as follows: When we get in the car, we greet one another with a hello, not a grunt or a 'Hmm', and we actually have at least a short conversation (not have a completely silent car ride while she has her headphones on the entire time). That we hug and say Goodnight (she has told me previously she does not want hugs from me so I stopped). Would it be OK to insist on a hug? There are more relational rules I want to include but it would take to long to write and I think you may get the jist.

Nicholeen, I’m seeking guidance on an experiment I call "smuggling" TSG principles into a new therapeutic framework. We are dealing w/ a difficult 18YO who is oppositional & has been verbally & physically aggressive toward Dad. Mom is Modern Progressive & I have shifted from a past Bully/Fear-Based style to Principal-Based via TSG. Despite 2 yrs of effort, we have lacked a United Front as Mom blames TSG for the 18YO’s choices.
We recently started w/ a new therapist who promotes "Servant Leadership." This framework seems to align w/ TSG Roles & principles, viewing parents as the leaders of the team. The therapist is challenging Mom and I toward Unity & doesn't seem to share the Modern Progressive bias of Mom & her current life coach. This therapist focuses on our relationship first & incorporates faith & prayer for unity.
I have reflected that I may need to "smuggle" TSG principles into whatever this new United Front becomes. I am willing to move away from word-perfect scripts like Disagree Appropriately or the specific TSG labels to appease my spouse & build that front, provided the underlying Principles remain the Rock we stand on. I still think I can use the TSG lens to check if my child is accepting a No Answer, if they are Dropping the Subject vs. power struggling, & I maintain the requirement for Calm Voice & Body Etc (4 skills).

I am curious if you or others have successfully shifted the language & scripts to a different "brand" or vocabulary to get a Modern Progressive spouse on board without losing the power of the Principles? Is this "smuggling" approach a valid way to stop the Triangulation & the breaking of the authority "Wall" in a high-conflict home? I am willing to learn a different language of reference points as long as we have a plan that addresses the hard-no answers of aggression & verbal abuse (& pray God leads to unity with my wife). What are your thoughts on using the therapist’s "Servant Leadership" labels to actually enforce TSG Principles & stewardship? And what might I be checking for to make sure that it doesn’t just become another plan that my wife finds excuses to avoid or follow through on? Thank you as always and God bless!

Hello, our middle 5 year old who had ADHD often struggles with following direction but recently it has taken a different turn.

We have general family rules like respect people and their things, use kind words, and gentle hands, however he has been taking actions that are dangerous that we have not identified as directly part of these rules. These are not failure to follow instructions but breaking house rules that are not explicit. It has been something different every time.

For example, getting food from the kitchen or opening the garden hose or turning on the tv without permission. How can we coach him to ask us first before doing something for the first time so he can understand they are against our house rules and so we can implement a consequence for not following directions. Technically he isn’t breaking rules if we haven’t taught him that specific rule yet.

I am following up on my question last week about believing lies about myself and how i need to give myself a no answer and speak truth to my situation. You also mentioned i had grown lazy in using my skills. Over the last couple of years the disconnect between my wife and i has become as such where she is now saying "i dont want to do this anymore" and your words dont match your actions. I apologize but she says it is empty and there will be no follow through. Thee are a few good days that follow but its back to the same old thing. Shes basically feeling boxed in as she makes all the decisions and does all the corrections with the kids. Now we are at the point where she says i am not giving her space to have a "bad" day. When she tries to tell me whats going on i am feeling like its at attack on me and i immediately lose my calm. I want to do better and make repairs to the relationship but i feel like i am at a loss and dont know what to do. Can you offer me some suggestions as where to start?

My daughter's 19th birthday is coming up this month on April 23rd. She has told me that she does not want anything from me on her birthday and that the best birthday present for her would be that I wouldn't exist anymore. She also said that she would not be celebrating my birthday with me either in July. What do you suggest that I do? Should I get her something anyway with a note? If so, what should the note say? I don't have much money to spend. I was thinking of maybe just getting her chocolates and a note and leaving them in her room.

I am writing this from a place of deep reflection after a challenging 24 hours. Yesterday, I felt a sense of hope after booking a marriage retreat recommended by our priest. My wife initially agreed to go, though with visible resistance. However, today that hope was met with a tough no answer as she insisted we must reschedule because of a dance for our oldest son that wasn't on the calendar. While I would be fine missing the pre-dance photos to prioritize our marriage, the frustration stems from the lack of planning and the tendency to avoid the calendar, which leaves our foundation scattered.
As you know from my previous shares, we continue to deal with ongoing aggression from 18yo our son. This has led me to a point of discerning whether I must separate our financial accounts to ensure proper stewardship and cease participating in a system that I believe is failing our family.
I want to offer this less as a question and more as a Call to Action and testimony for any parent on this call who is currently the "holdout" in their home:
To the parent who is leaning toward modern, progressive, or permissive parenting—the one who is afraid of consequences, afraid to take up your role, or who prefers to prioritize "feelings" and "understanding" over the structure of self-government: I am living through the reality of the division created by this fear based parenting. And I firmly believe the kids suffer because of this fear based parenting masquerading as gentle
I have seen the fruits of the 4 Skills and the TSG process in myself and our children. I know this "rock" is solid. It is not the method that is failing; it is the disunity that makes the path so heavy. I plead with you: if you are on the fence or stuck in a model that sweeps things under the rug, please try a different way. Trust in the traditional, strict, and consistent modeling of self-government. I believe there is nothing more gentle, than preparing our children to govern themselves in this world.
I am standing here in faith, witnessing how difficult it is when a co-parent is afraid to change. For the sake of your marriage and your children’s safety, please do not let "modern" parenting philosophies cause a rift that leaves your home scattered and your spouse standing alone. The fruits of this work are real—please, step into the process with your spouse. God bless

I searched the archive for this question and did not find anything like it except for one commentary by yourself about your children getting older and you being an older mom. The call was recorded on 12/16/16. So, I will ask my question about being an older mom not because my children have grown up but because I had them very late in life. I had my daughter at 53 and my son at 55 and they are both toddlers now under 5 years old. I'll get right to the point that even if it had happened naturally (we needed medical intervention to have them and I was blessed to be able to give birth to them) I think I would still feel guilt and shame for not realizing at the time how much of a commitment parenting is. I was also selfish and thought I deserved to have children even at this late stage in life not knowing I would feel this sadness now. I'm mostly healthy so I did not worry about the tiredness or physical demand children bring and that is not my biggest concern now. My concern now is that I am grieving that I will not be around when they are my age now and beyond. When my youngest is 23 I will be 78. This fact causes me great fear and grief that I will not be able to do for them later in their lives what I think they deserve. Their father, my husband, is even older and I feel the same pain for my children about that. He focuses on being as healthy as possible and does not worry about the future like I do. We had some support from family but also some family members that disapproved and I sometimes feel ashamed when I think about those comments because I now understand their point. Sometimes I even think the people who supported us were not being sensible. I think you get my point here and I would like your insight and opinion on this. I've thought from the beginning that I need to raise them very well, better than younger parents, to prepare them faster for life but to my dismay that has not been so easy or intuitive. I've been facing all of my flaws and emotional difficulties since having them because they are my motivation for healing my past and the mirror I see myself in. I tell people my only regret in having children late in life is not the hard work but because I feel like I've cheated them out of something – time and assistance with life as they get older. Is there anything within TSG that I can do to better about our situation or other suggestions you have? Thank you