Screaming part 2

On September 11th I wrote a post titled "For Crying out Loud ~ Screaming" This was the first screaming post. I am now adding another part to screaming, because I have another question.

My almost-5-year-old has always been a screamer. He screams this high-pitched, shrill, grating scream whenever he doesn't like something that's going on — which is often. This screaming pushes my buttons like nothing else does. I HATE it, and I'm afraid I've reacted to it too strongly and too wrongly, for too long. So, is this kind of screaming a normal thing for a kid before he gets really articulate? And how would you advise dealing with it? Nicholeen, I wanted to clarify the circumstances in which my son screams. This happens mostly when his brother takes something of his or otherwise pesters him, or when he perceives a threat, however insignificant that threat seems to us. It's a reflex reaction — not something he's doing as a behavior he contemplates.

Well, normal is relative. Each child is so unique. However, I would say that at age five the screaming is a learned behavior. Unless he really can't talk, he simply doesn't understand how to effectively communicate his feelings to people. From your amendment to the original question, I would assume that he especially doesn't know how to communicate to peers or siblings. You can teach him this through role playing.

It is probably harder for him to be heard by them, because of his age and status as a younger brother. I have seen this with my own children. Sometimes the older ones ignore the younger ones without even realizing that they are doing it, because they have had to learn this skill to get thinking time and alone time in an active family. If I see them ignoring, I always bring it to their attention and instruct them to communicate effectively with their sibling.

If a child is playing with a toy and another child comes and takes child A's toy away, and child A cries, then they don't understand how to disagree appropriately with their peers. Really teach this one. Tell him exactly what to say to the sibling when they practice the situation over again.

You will also probably have to teach child B how to accept a No answer. If another child is playing with a toyhe wants to play with, that means, "NO, you can't play with this." It is a non-verbal No answer, and needs to be accepted. If the toy happens to belong to them, then you need to teach them how to remain calm and ask for the toy back.

Child A then has to learn how to respect another person's property and calm communication by saying, "OK" and giving the toy up.

There is always a little bit of gray area in these situations, but, if you look at each child and ask, "what does each child need to learn here?" then you will be able to clear up lots of the picture.

I would have a reward for speaking calmly and disagreeing appropriately for a while to encourage choosing to control himself.

If he is ever screaming, DON'T TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE PROBLEM! Simply say, "you are screaming, I want to hear what you have to say, but you have to speak calmly to me, or I will not be able to listen to you." Then tell him that you are going to give him an instruction to talk calmly, and that if he doesn't, he will need to go to time-out to calm down for a few minutes. Then tell him that if he chooses to say OK and get calm, then you will high five him and listen to what he has to say. Then give an instruction, and follow through with what you pre-taught.

We have to remember that screaming is always attention seeking, even if it is done in frustration. You can't give attention to negative behavior, you have to let them know that they will always get your attention when they behave.

Lastly,when the child communicates effectively, always give your undivided attention, to enforce the good behavior.

Remember to teach them all the four basics, just in case after hearing them out, you have to still say No, or tell them that they earned consequences.

Consistency with the four basics and keeping your tolerances low is the key to teaching children how to govern their own behaviors.

Best,