From Rage to Calm

An Intro to the Blog Below:

I have been thinking a lot about honesty lately. My understanding of honesty has expanded and I have been touched in new ways I have never thought of it before.

The world would have us believe that we need to appear strong and knowledge to others in order to be credible. Maybe that is true for some. But it is not the reality I want to contribute to creating.

There are many many people learning to speak their message of truth right now in the world. The more honest we are, the more credible and permeable our message will be. I believe that we do not have impact because we appear great and wonderful to others, but because we are real, humble, and honest. I believe honesty will separate those messengers who want your money and others who really want to help.

I wrote this blog tonight as part of my personal therapy. I did not necessarily write it for the purpose of sharing it. I am, however, willing to share it. It is what I do. I learn, apply, and share. This is who I am. I am learning self-government. I am not afraid to allow you to see my struggle because I believe you struggle too. I think that my struggle will help you to learn to really overcome yours. I know for myself in the past I have wanted to know how to do things but I have just not had the model of how. Certainly there are countless ways to get return to calm. This blog article is what goes on inside my head.

I hope in learning what I do to get calm in my head, it will help you learn find your power of calm in yours. I will tell you before you read it- I tend to be a little dramatic and poetic in my moments of pain. I also know that this is not really what happened to Joan of Arc, but it is what I imagine because of the symbolism of what I need to learn to do to overcome myself.

As Nicholeen says “If you can overcome yourself, you can do anything!”

Returning to Calm: Inside My Head

I am out of control. My skin is hot and itchy. I am easily irritated by noises and just about everything else. I am trying to control everything and everyone outside of me, because I am out of control inside of me.

I stop. “Just stop talking” I tell myself. Stop. Don’t move. Don’t speak. Just stop. I am still on the outside but raging on the inside. I rub my forehead trying to get my barings again.

I leave and go listen to my music. I push play and turn it up as loud as I can trying to beat the rebellion out of me. Where am I? What is happening? I must return to calm before I can figure this out.

My music helps me return to the truths that are my power of calm. Most of all I feel my heart soften as I sing. “Sing Thumbelina, Sing!” I hear my children’s movie in my mind. As I awaken from the hardness of my heart I am ashamed. I hate that I got here again. I am a hypocrite. I hate this emotional bondage. It is my No Answer I will not accept. I must change. I forgive, and allow myself to try again. Again I increase my determination to conquer this beast within me. I don’t know how, but I know I will.

Questions swirl through my mind as I sing and cry and write. The songs swirl around my heart: healing, reassuring, and renewing my hope. I return to calm. I remember.

I have learned so much and come so far, and yet the answers still escape me. I do not have it inside of me to do this alone. I am giving everything I’ve got. Grace is my only chance. I need a miracle. I cannot choose for other members of my family. What more can I do? How do I take the next step?

I see a small spark of a new part of my family vision. We are on a ropes course. My children are grown. Each is strong, independent, and brave. We have an eye focused single to the glory of God. We are united in the cause of Zion. We are fearless and have perfect faith. We have been taught the truth because our mother and father knew it. We will be protected. We do not doubt. We are an army of warriors of Light. Together we are slashing at the Giant of Darkness, and we are winning because of our united faith in Jesus Christ.

I stare straight ahead into my vision. My chin lowers, my eyes narrow, and my concentration hangs on my forehead. I remember Joan. Joan is my hero. I imagine her scaling a wall as an arrow pierces her back. Without hesitation she pulls the arrow out with superhuman strength. Then she plunges it deep into the crack above her. She uses the arrow to scale higher on the wall and conquer her enemy. It was the arrow that allowed her to go higher. She is victorious. And I will be too. I will use these arrows that pierce my calm to strengthen my weak spots until I am invincible in Christ.

Now that I am calm I will go use my 4 Keys of Self-Government to figure out how to move forward. This is amazing stuff!

I know this “article” is different, but I hope it helps you really get calm figured out in your head. Let me know what you find out.

To the victory of your family,

Pennie