Parenting With Power!

by Nicholeen Peck

“I was so afraid of him…When I would see him coming home from work, then I would go hide so that I wouldn’t get yelled at or hit or be told how many things I did wrong.” Said 35 year old, father of 6, Trent. When I first met Trent, he seemed nervous to meet me as he kept a cautious distance during our introduction. He didn’t smile. I couldn’t tell if he was worried that I would judge him or if he was trying to hide something.

Trent’s wife really wanted him to get to know me and to learn the parenting principles and skills that I teach. Trent’s wife, Rachel, told me that both she and her husband were raise poorly by parents who just intimidated them, and so, sadly, she and her husband were parenting with more intimidation than nurturing. She really wanted help, but she wasn’t so sure if Trent wanted to change.

After Trent went through the first day of the parenting mastery training course, I asked him how he liked it. Trent was different after day one. He felt safe somehow. “I’ve been doing it all wrong.” He said. “I never wanted my children to feel afraid of me, like I felt about my father. Can I really change?”

While talking to Trent, the topic of power came up. He said, “Parents are supposed to have the power. If a father loses the power, then all of the family can fall apart.”

“You’re on to something important Trent.” I said. “But, what kind of power do you want?”

Trent looked at me perplexed and said, “Just the power that parents are supposed to have to keep their children from making mistakes and to stay safe.”

I knew what he was talking about. Trent wanted his children to listen to him and to respect him and to do what he said when he told them to do or not do something. He wanted influence and respect. But, how does a person really get influence?

True Power vs False Power

Since I knew that Trent was risking his pride to be this honest and vulnerable with me, I took it slow. “Trent, even though most people don’t talk about it openly, they can feel the difference between true power and false power. When a person has true power you feel drawn to them and even want to learn from them or follow their example. When a person has false power you try to work around them or buddy up to them to get something out of them, but you don’t really want to be a better person for having known them. Do you know what I mean?”

Trent paused and looked inside of himself for a second. “I guess I do.” He said. “You’re saying that if I have false power that my children may respond to me in order to try to control me or to try to get something for themselves, but the only way to help them want to become me is to have true power. I definitely don’t want to be my dad. I mean I love him. But, he wasn’t a good parent. I always told myself that I didn’t want to be him. Now, I’m sure that I’ve become him. This means that I don’t really have the power that I want even though I spending all of my energy trying to maintain power at home. What do I do?”

“First, don’t beat yourself up Trent. We all learn by example, and it’s hard to make a positive change in our lives if we have never seen anyone else do it. You only have the skills and experiences that you’ve gathered along your life’s journey. You’re in a good place. This training will help you learn skills that your parents didn’t teach you.

“Second, recognize that false power and true power see control differently. False power focuses on controlling everything and everyone around you so that you feel comfortable and in control. False power leaders will dictate what you should think, believe, and do instead of teaching you about options and giving you reasons and education about why certain choices are better than others. False power parents assume that identity and purpose are something that need to be controlled instead of accepted. True power parents know that they and their children really only have control over themselves, and that true comfort, joy and power come from self-mastery.”

Me-First Approach

Trent used to blame his father for how messed up he was and for why he wasn’t a good parent. This concept of self-mastery essentially meant that he was responsible for his own choices even if his father used false power on him when he was young. With a somber face he said, “Are you saying that I’m at fault for my bad parenting practices?”

As gently as I could, I said, “Yes. Every single person is at fault for their choices and behaviors. If we ever make our choices anyone else’s fault, then we lose our power to solve our problems. When we keep the fault, then we keep the power to choose too. It sounds like a lot to admit to ourselves, but in the end our ability to choose and have self-government is a large part of our freedom and progression. This means that we all need to continually focus on improving ourselves.

“If parents have a me-first approach to parenting then they work to teach themselves skills and practice making personal changes that lead to self-improvement more than they will be encouraging children to work on self-improvement. And, when parents have a me-first approach to parenting, then their personal changes will help them know exactly how to help their children to achieve self-mastery too.

“Luckily, parents don’t have to be perfect at self-mastery before they teach it to their children. They just have to be one step ahead of the children along the self-government journey. For instance if a parent knows how to accept a “no” answer and is practicing that skill for themselves, then the child can better see how the parent’s teaching to accept a “no” answer is part of really growing up.”

Trent looked at Rachel and then looked at me, then he paused before saying, “I know that my children are hiding from me just like I hid from my parents. They hide by staying out of my way and by lying. I don’t want that. I want true power. This means I’m going to have to change. I’m nervous but excited at the same time. Maybe, if I ask myself if I’m being truly powerful before parenting interactions, then I’ll be able to choose calmness and productive skills instead of yelling and getting angry, like I’m doing now.”

“This is a solid plan Trent.” I said with a smile. “Just knowing what type of power you want to have and asking yourself if you have that true power in the moment will lead you becoming the father you have wanted to become. I know you can do it.”

If you want to learn about the training that Trent attended, click here.