Are you familiar with Connect Method Parenting (connectmethodparenting.com by Andee Martineau)?
Directly From the website, here is some of the language or concepts that she promotes:
• Relationships trump everything else. Rather than correction & rewards, it’s the human connection that creates kids who actually WANT to listen to you.
• I teach parenting without correction. Punishments, bribes, ultimatums, timeouts, grounding, yelling, tears, guilt…they aren’t going to do the trick of getting the kids to listen.
• I always wanted to be the “Mother Teresa” kind of mom. But eight years into parenting I had become the “yelling, frustrated, out-of-control” kind of mom. It felt awful! That’s when I stopped believing in traditional parenting (thinking consequences and rewards worked) and started looking for a better way to parent. After thousands of hours of research and loads of parenting practice (aka mistakes), I created Connect Method Parenting.

I have read her book and a fair amount of it sounds appealing, especially her focus on getting to calm and intentionally doing things to create connection with your kids. She goes really deep into emotional processing. Much of what she teaches is that emotions are safe and to let your kids fully feel them because that's part of healthy emotional regulation so that people don't get emotionally constipated (which leads to problems down the road).
She also teaches that correcting your children damages their relationship with you and makes you an unsafe person in their eyes, and thus makes them not want to listen to you or be parented by you. She has said that they have to choose for you to be their parent, meaning that they have a choice as to who they will allow to influence them, and that just because you are technically their parent doesn't mean that they will choose you to fill that role in their life of being a guiding influence. She says everything is evidence-based and backed by science and research.
Can you please share your thoughts on this approach to parenting?

Hi, can I have some insight on how should I deal with a 5y.o diagnosed with ADHD and ASD who constantly gets up from the table and gets distracted with every little thing around him, taking him extremely long to finish a meal. I know he can focus on things when he wants to so how can I get him to eat his food and be dome with his meal quickly with the rest of the family. Please help me to fix my own mess.

Good morning,
Could you talk about no answers for parents? I've heard in the past you stating that if a child is misbehaving it's a no answer for the parent can you help me understand this? I'm wondering if a more thorough comprehension of my own no answers will help me with the skill first and foremost. Thanks for your help!

We are currently in Module 5 Lesson 9 "Wait for it". We have a three year old and a 16 month old. When utilizing the calm down spot, our three year old often tries to escape as you mentioned Porter used to do. He is very very bright and we feel he could handle a modified rule of three. My question is, would we walk away for 10-15 minutes so he can get calm after he's earned the rule of 3 or do we do the soft hold and for how long? Is there a time limit on that soft hold? He is very very strong and will often start hitting, biting, and spitting at us if we soft hold he often bulldozes right through us. I feel like I have been spending all day trying to get my 3 year old calm and doing corrections that I feel terribly that my 16 month old isnt getting play time with mommy like he should be. Any thoughts and advice is greatly appreciated!

Hello. I thought I would share some progress & especially try to reach parents out there who are not on board with TSG in your home.

I’ve shared some of our story on prior occasions, but in short, I have been implementing TSG, while my wife has not been on board. Nevertheless, I have continued to do my best, & thank Nicholeen for her continued reinforcement, sharing how she has seen it done with other families, even when it’s just 1 parent implementing. With every week that passes, I am more a true believer of the program and the principles.

This weekend, my wife took our daughter on a quick getaway for a friends birthday, & I stayed home with our boys (16 and 13). Our 16-year-old has been extremely challenging over the last couple of years, struggling with ADHD & ODD tendencies. Originally, I was going to spend the weekend by myself at a beach getaway, leaving the boys with their grandparents (who are very much like my wife, modern progressive/permissive). God apparently had a different plan because I was under the weather, and chose to stay home. Admittedly I did feel God moving me to do the hard thing, and teach with love and patience, seeing it as an opportunity for me to continue to work towards calmness & TSG.

Well, the weekend went smoothly. There was cooperation, respect, calmness, and even some regular old chores when we got back from church, and I told the boys I needed their help cleaning up before we watched football (incidentally, our 16-year-old getting up for church is quite the accomplishment.) this is a phenomenon I’ve experienced several times. When mom isn’t around, there is a lot more calmness and cooperation from our children. they don’t like TSG, but they are accepting it little by little, but I found it interesting that it seems when mom isn’t around, they simply don’t whine or complain as much (especially since it’s no longer effective with Dad).

I’d love to say that this has changed our family, but I haven’t even shared this with my wife because I doubt she is ready for that type of critique. My hope is that it can help someone else out there, who is struggling with a coparenting partner. Nothing is perfect, no one person or strategy is perfect, but I can only tell you that working together would certainly be a lot easier in our household! Nevertheless, stay the course and I hope this helps anyone else out there who’s on the fence. It works! Stick with it

Your either on the way or in the way – Les Brown

Hi Nicholeen,

I have learned so much from you the past several months, and I eagerly share your name and website as much as I can. I found it in a comment on a mothers’ facebook page, and I’m forever changed.

I’ve looked over the information regarding how to become a mentor. I’d like further information on what a mentor can actually do. In the future, I’d love to be able to teach your system in my community — at my church, at the church’s daycare, at local schools, at the local pregnancy resource centers, etc. Can a mentor put on workshops in his or her community? What other opportunities does one have upon certification as a mentor? What sort of information is in the mentor course that is not in your other courses?

Thanks so much.

Hi, good morning
I’m having a few struggles when it comes to consequences
1. I’m having a hard time figuring out a consequence that fits action
2. Following through with it. When my kids act up I usually say “you will have an extra chore”or “you be grounded/ not allowed to do something” but I never really know what it is they will be grounded from or what the extra chore is. And I never follow through.
3. On the rare items that I do follow through and assign the extra chore; my daughter will cry and refuse to do it ( she’s 13)
It usually ends up being something I know she dislikes to do like washing some pots or something that is usually my chore.
Thank you so much!

Firstly thanks so much for all the help and I love the TSG program, it has been a real blessing in our family. I have a 7 year girl old who who is very easily distracted. When we give her chores or ask her to go/do something she normally either gets distracted before she gets there or starts and then ends up somewhere else. She is a Yellow Personality type, and is quite spontaneous/dramatic in her nature. We have 5 children with 9 being the oldest and she is normally the worst at leaving messes behind her. She tends to go from one thing to the next and not clean up, she is very creative and imaginative in her play. We give her an instruction to clean up what she is doing, but before she has finished, she has gotten distracted and moved on to the next thing. With 5 small children it can be quite a big job with her following through checking what she has been up to and giving her a correction and extra chores, because it ends up being an extra chore for not doing an extra chore because she didn't clean up, and then there is the extra chore for not accepting the no answer of leaving a mess and not cleaning it up. And because she gets distracted so easily this process goes on and on. I think she is a bit muddily in her thinking and can only focus on one thing at a time. And because she is quite creative she tends to be in her head a lot. Sometimes she can be looking at me with a calm face and body and say OK when I give her an instruction. But when I ask her what the instruction was 1 minute later she cant remember, and I don't think she is being dishonest. Any thoughts.

I am having a lot of trouble with my eldest daughter. She has never, I think, come to the truth in her heart about admitting when she has made a bad choice or a mistake. She hates corrections and going to the 3 majors makes her furious. We have been implementing the TSG methods and principles since we did the 3-day parenting course a few months back. I have had major breakthroughs and success with governing myself and teaching my six younger children. We have established our family creed and vision and been practicing these. We have family meetings each week and mentor meetings for the children – half every second week. I have done parent counselling sessions with my 12-year-old when she finishes the 24 hrs loss of privileges. All the other children are striving to use their skills and we have more love, joy and peace with them.
But with my eldest, it is an entirely different story. The methods of TSG have brought to the light a lot of her hidden bad habits and faults. And she hates that. She has always wanted to be seen as a good girl, but she hasn't put much effort into actually being good. For the last week she has consistently chosen to go out of instructional control and for the last 4 days, she has not been able to start her 24 hrs because she has not chosen to be calm and follow instructions. During the period she has heaped verbal abuse and me, her mother, and on her younger sister. The verbal abuse is getting worse, more and more targeted at trying to get me to react. She hates it that I stay calm. She's miserable and stressed out and I am finding that I am getting exhausted. The verbal abuse affects me physically because I have chronic fatigue, brought on by a very stressed out childhood and my stomach cramps up after prolonged verbal abuse. I am on my knees praying for her and calling out to God for wisdom many times a day. I give her cuddles and tell her I love her and that I hope she has a good day. I know that she has run up a great emotional deficit and I'm trying to communicate love, acceptance, and forgiveness to try to heal the relationship. But I know that she cannot progress until she comes to the truth of admitting where she is wrong. It seems so simple to me, it seems like it so safe to admit mistakes and that there is plenty of teaching and role play to reinforce good choices and their consequences. She hates it that the other children earn positive consequences and accuses me of favoritism. We need help!

At 4 months old we started doing deep breaths especially before nap time and that really helped him drift off even if a touch overtired. Now he’s almost 10 months and I’m not sure if we should work on certain things or accept them as typical baby life. For example, fussing to be picked up if I put him down for 10 minutes to get something done and he’s not in the mood to play by himself. Or pulling off my glasses or his dad’s beard. Could you give some examples of things we should accept as normal vs what could be worked on? Also, if we accept them now, what are the first signs that they could be worked on? If you can’t tell, I love being proactive 😂😂