Do you think it is okay to say at the end of each instruction in the Rule of 3 "Your choice is to take 3 deep breaths or earn a [major maintenance]". I started doing this because my children would easily go through the Rule of 3 and then claim that they hadn't chosen any of it. I feel like it helps them the think better about their choices.

Did you get this question last night? I submitted at midnight but it had a message it could not go through.

How do the 4 Skills work for parents to model? I find myself Disagreeing appropriately by beginning, “I am going to disagree appropriately…” Is this okay? And I am really trying to focus on Step 2 of all the skills….the calm voice, face, and body and to do that I am often just taking deep breaths and not responding because when I am not calm, I react and don’t think through the steps well. When I do this the youth often thinks I have relented because I am not giving chores or moving to the Rule of 3. Is it okay to just focus on my modeling the behaviors I desire in them and focus on being the person I want to be instead of the consequences and rule of 3? We have been doing TSG since January when we did the class and I have felt a prompting from the Holy Spirit to work on me first. Focus on my behavior, my skills, etc. and I am struggling to do that and give consequences. I realized that even when I LOOK calm, inside I am , and I need to be to calm on the inside or eventually I parent from the not calm place in my brain. Thank you.

I've been working on a lot of different things with my five year old son, but I'd specifically like to ask about self-control this week. He doesn't seem to understand that he regularly hurts people, no matter how we explain and show him how he's hurting us. He struggles to maintain boundaries when he's excited or hyper, and it's especially scary when he's trying to play with his 7 month old sister. He has almost crushed her a couple of times, and I hate to constantly be saying "you've lost your privilege of being near your sister (or whoever he is trying to "play" with)," but it frequently seems to be the only way to keep people out of harm's way. He generally doesn't seem to be doing it maliciously, but he doesn't seem to care whatsoever about boundaries that others set… Also, he is VERY sensitive when he gets hurt or when somebody does something even remotely similar back to him (even after several warnings and explanations). We've been dealing with this for years, but it's been especially concerning since he's gotten his little sister. Any tips?

Hi all!

My wife & I just got back from a vacation in Spain. Certainly nice to take a break & connect as a couple. As the old saying goes though, wherever you go, there you are! We did have some long distance parenting come up. We were out to dinner with my cousin & his fiancee, & our daughter called Mom & began to whine & complain about something (Mom modern progressive & our 11 year old daughter doing what she does… whine & try to get her way).

While I reminded myself to let Mom handle her own interactions, she eventually tired and gave up, handed me the phone & asked me to deal with her our daughter. I calmly gave our daughter a no answer & instructions, & reminded her of consequences, loss of privileges & chores. She calmed down quickly & we continued our dinner. Our 16 year old son, later was speaking to mom & also not accepting a no answer, of not letting him go out & drive a vehicle while we were traveling (also was the day hurricane Milton was working its way through our state and my wife & I had agreed to already).

Again, Mom did not know how to handle & he did what he should be expected to do, demand, nag & not accept no for an answer. She handed me the phone again & asked me to deal with him. I did so once again, but after we said goodbye to my cousin I tried to calmly speak with her just to make sure that we were on the same page, because I wanted to be prepared for our son to continue to try to get a yes, & since this was now my interaction with him, I was prepared to remove technology privileges & go through TSG steps, despite being in Spain.

The conversation with my wife became difficult, I felt she got very defensive and she complained that I should have explained to her what I intended to do if our son would not listen, otherwise, she said she wouldn’t have asked me to deal with it (which I reminded her that my plan doesn’t change and I try to be consistent, so it shouldn't surprise her). I know I still need to work on my tone, but I feel I'm doing my best and was hoping for some additional thoughts on handling these types of situations, and responding to my wife and children when I feel they are succumbing to victim thinking and blaming?

I do have another weekend with the boys since mom is going on a trip with our daughter this weekend. I’m curious to see if I will experience another instance where the boys are much more cooperative when Mom isn’t around. It’s like they feed off of her!

Dear Nicholeen,

We have an 8 year old and 14 year old. When you do the rule of three would you advice for the child to be able to disagree appropriately at each stage? Do you also remind them at each stage they can disagree appropriately or should they remember this? Especially, since we have been doing the rule of three for at least 2 months, or would you advice for the child, not to even be given the opportunity to disagree appropriately once you are in the second and third stage of the rule of three? In the prep I remember you advising that we do remind them that one of the choices is to say ''ok'' or ''ok and may I disagree appropriately'' but would you then continue to remind them at stage 2 and 3, in the rule of three?
I see how it would make sense for the child to only have one chance to disagree appropriately as when we enter the rule of three it is because the young person is out of instructional control. So the main issue is that they are not calm. So you give them the chance to disagree appropriately about whatever the issue is once they are calm and then drop the topic. Would that at least answer part of the question above? I hope we are making sense.

We will sadly not be able to attend this call as we are both working and doing school runs at that time of the call ( we live in the UK) so will not be able to answer any questions you have for us in the actual call but we will listen to the recording.

This call is from: Kristin Mikkelsen

Nicholeen, how would you handle this? I have an 8-year-old who struggles with impulse control. His behavior at home has improved greatly over the last year, and most of the ongoing issues we see are related to hyperactivity/annoying his siblings. I've always described him as being loving and having a good heart. However, I just found out that over the last three soccer practices and games he has said some very unkind and belittling things to two of his teammates (twin sisters). He's on a homeschool rec team that hasn't won a game, and he's definitely one of the strongest players. I'm so disappointed. So many of his weaknesses seem like issues of too much energy and too little maturity. However, I am devastated with this new meanness. Do you think that we have a deep problem on our hands? How do we handle this?

I feel like I've lost control.
My daughter is almost 12 years old.
She was grounded from all electronics should brought home per computer from school.
When she was told not to.
She googled on the computer from school sexual.
Topics. The IT department has them blocked. But they still could see what sights she tried to Google.. So I wanted to know what sites she was on so I asked the principal I have not got any answer yet. My daughter is very impulsive and I think she has ADHD she doesn't have a appointment with the neurologist until December. She also refuses to talk about this. Help what should be my next step?

I am realizing more and more that change begins with me and I need to be the person I want my children to be. I need to inspire them and model the skills. My behavior needs to be independent and separate from theirs and not reactive or in response to theirs. I need to do me first and always. It is humbling to realize how much I have to learn and learn to control in my own behavior. My question is this: How do I model TSG, independent of my children’s behavior, in public when surrounded by people I know and am engaging with? Two of my children will come up and nudge, poke, prod, give puppy guys, and escalate to angry words and angry faces when they want to leave church. I have tried to calmly give instructions, calmly tell them to give themselves a “no” answer, tell them they are earning chores, and begin the Rule of Three, but that just seems to make them more confrontational. It is hard to not want to start threatening them and engage in a power struggle when I am trying to have a conversation with a friend and am getting bumped, poked, etc. I definitely am guilty of losing my calm face and I get a stern, but quiet voice by the end. I end up not going all the way through the Rule of Three because I get desperate to have the physical bumping and poking and nudging stop because it gets increasingly rougher and if I move away, they just follow me. Help. I want to be the change. I want to know what I can do with ME because I realize I cannot bank on their behavior changing or them seeing that their behavior is inappropriate because I have tried a different approach every week. I have to control me. I need to have a plan for my behavior separate and independent of theirs. I cannot count on them “seeing the light” and agreeing that their behavior is inappropriate. Thank you.

How do you correct sibling squabbles and encourage them to bond and build friendships with each other? I have 4 kids boys 13, 12, and 9 and a 7 year old girl. It is mostly the boys that fight. It isn't anything too intense they just pester each other and then end up hurting other by digging their nails into each other or hitting. They are respectful towards my husband and I but not with each other. They love the Lord so we do point them to the word, but would love any other tips you have.

How do you correct sibling squabbles and encourage them to bond and build friendships with each other? I have 4 kids boys 13, 12, and 9 and a 7 year old girl. It is mostly the boys that fight. It isn't anything too intense they just pester each other and then end up hurting other by digging their nails into each other or hitting. They are respectful towards my husband and I but not with each other. They love the Lord so we do point them to the word, but would love any other tips you have.