What do you do when…?

"How do you go about rewarding the kids who did not lose privileges in a way that the child who chose to lose his privileges looks at his own behavior as the cause of him missing out, instead of just feeling like mom is out to get him and wants him to be sad? Even though I try to point out how the child is the one that made the choice, I have one kid in particular that only becomes bitter about these kinds of things and feels like we are happy when he gets into trouble and doesn't get to have things. Part of this may be due to how we have handled things in the past, trying to punish him back for punishing us, taking his behavior personally. But how do we convince him now that we want him to have good things by making good choices and we are sad when he chooses bad consequences?"

Great question!

"If you rubbed things in" when your children made bad choices before you learned the teaching self government principles, then you will probably have some misconception problems to deal with, but they shouldn't be lasting if your child really learns how to accept a consequence. Number three of the four basics is accepting a consequence.

If your child pouts or has problems when he didn't choose to earn a certain privilege, especially when a pre-teach was given, then he is not accepting a consequence. If he doesn't say OK, act OK and drop the subject, then he needs to earn another negative consequence for not accepting a consequence.

If he is allowed to whine, pout, or harass you because he chose not to earn a treat, then you are allowing him to emotionally control the family atmosphere. This is something that will ruin the Spirit that makes the family vision a reality. Whining, pouting, etc. is also a sign of a person that is in bondage to his own selfishness. Free him by showing him that he has chosen to not accept what he chose. He must really think that he has not earned to miss certain things.

You see, if he can whine and make you feel bad aboutgivingtreats togood children, then his consequence doesn't really mean anything and then he doesn't have to really accept the fact that he needs to change his behaviors.

In order to fully accept a consequence, or have a change of heart, the youth MUST be able to notice when they have earned a negative consequence and be able to be OK with that consequence, because they know that they chose all on their own.

So, regarding your question about how I show my children that missing the treat was their choice and not a way to get back at them in the never ending power struggle; if they don't accept a consequence, they earn another consequence, and I always speakto them with the Spirit of love.

I don't talk to the other children about their bad behaviors, because this is viewed as "us against him." I simply reward thechildren who choose goodwith good things, because their reward is about their behaviors, not about their brother's . And I reward the children that chose bad with bad, because their reward is about their behaviors, not anyone else's.

Don't compare children either. This always leads to misbehavior instead of the motivation that parents think it will inspire.