Whenwas the last time you were working awaywhen suddenly you hearda war break out in the next room? If your like me, when thishappensyou get this aggravated feeling in your stomach and athought that says something like "They're fighting again!?" At thispoint you have a twochoices. You could go in the nextroom and react in some way to the fighting by stirring up the potwithyour own emotion, or you could take a minute to get calmand think. To help the situation really get better the nexttime, you need to teach them how to work out their problems bydisagreeing appropriately. After you have taught them, it's upto them to choose with the pre-decidedconsequences attached to each choice. Butwhat do you do right now to neutralize the war?
On Step 4 of the Implementation Course, Nicholeen teaches this principleand says,
Sometimes it's hard to tell who is really at fault, or you have a hunch that everyone may need to learn a new problem solving skill. These times are the perfect times to do Group Problem Solving. Part of group problem solving is seeking to understand what each person in the group thinks and feels. When group situations go bad it is usually because we started assuming too much and didn't listen enough. If someone feels understood, they will accept whatever teaching needs to take place.
These are the steps I usually follow problem solve with a group:
- Gather the group (maybe to another location)
- Hear the person crying first
- Repeat back what then tell me
- Hear other person in turn
- Repeat back their stories to them (even if they are the same as someone else's story)
- Remind the group of our vision or mission statement
- Teach them how to do things the right way
- Have them practice the situation again correctly
- Explain negative consequences earned if any
- Praise accepting consequences
This week's Video Gem is one such example that Nicholeencaught on camera while she was at the Aponte's for a home visit. I love how calm her voice is and how much you can hear that she really does want to understand the children. And these aren't even her kids!
While you watch this, see what you notice. What you notice will be a clue forwhat you need to work on. Recognizeone thing that you can do to work on your self-government and make a plan for how you can deliberately work on it. Then you will truly work toward more peace in your home.
Nicholeen also points out in this 4 minute segment that giving consequences needs to be a part of this process.