I’m hurt Mom…

"I've just been wondering about how to respond appropriately when my children get hurt. I don't want to be unsympathetic or cruel, but how do you respond if it's something you have pointed out they shouldn't do or they might get hurt, or they are disobeying a rule (like not running in the house or not jumping on/off furniture) and they get hurt doing it anyway? What about when they get hurt because of a sibling or other child hitting or misbehaving? What about when it's just an accident? I've noticed that around some people, children seem to try to "milk" the situation when they get hurt to get extra attention, or the adult just gives so much attention when they're hurt that the child is always "hurt." I don't want to ignore my children if they are really injured, or make them think that I don't care that they're hurt, but I don't want to encourage them to seek attention by "getting hurt" somehow. So how do you balance being kind and understanding and sympathetic without encouraging them to overdo things when they get hurt?"

Back in April I wrote a post for part of this question. It is as follows. After I have a segment on Attention Seeking.

“Every time you’re silly, somebody always getshurt.”

April 11, 2008

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, when all of the sudden the happy children noises from the basement changed into cries and yells. I remember distinctly hearing a sad noise or yell from each of my four children. All of the sudden doing the dishes seemed fun compared with sorting out what happened in the basement. I dried my hands and took a deep breath. I wanted to make sure I was calm, so that the obviously stressful situation wouldn’t control my emotions. A clear head and calm soul can change hearts and teach minds.

Of course I didn’t make it all the way down stairs before the children started coming up the stairs with their cries and complaints. I turned around and lead them up the stairs.

My first priority was to make sure no one was really hurt. If so, I would have administered first aid before teaching to the situation. None of the children had any serious injuries. My four year old had a hurt leg, my six year old had bumped her head, my ten year old hurt her face and my 12 year olds back hurt.

After I assessed the situation, I found out that the children had been wrestling and laughing. They were throwing each other around on the basement couch and doing tricks. To make long story short, they all bonked into each other or got hurt and then became reactive toward the person who accidentally hurt them. ( I say accidentally, but sometimes it really was on purpose…it’s just that the person doing the action didn’t really know it would hurt another person.)

I have a rule and a song for teaching to these kinds of situations. The first rule is that no one will probably earn a negative consequence because they all got what was coming to them by getting hurt. That is a good teacher.

I said to the children, “Just now…”.and I described what everyone told me happened, so that they knew I completely understood the situation. Just knowing that I listened to what their complaints were and told them I understood what they were concerned about will calmed most of their anxieties. Then I said, “It sounds like you were all being pretty silly.” Then I sang, “Every time you’re silly—somebody always gets hurt.” “If you don’t want to get hurt like this you shouldn’t play such silly games. If you choose to play silly and wrestle you need to know that you could get hurt. OK?”

They all said, “OK” and went on to other activities.

Some times I find it necessary to pull the oldest child or children aside and remind them of their responsibilities with rough play. I instruct them that as the oldest they are to try to keep everyone safe and happy. They need to protect the smaller children from danger whenever possible and rough house in a gentle manner.

My children are so used to this song, or family rule, about being silly, that now when they come to me with an injury from playing rough, all I have to do is say, “Every time your silly-“ and they finish the rest, “-somebody always gets hurt”. Then they give me a hug for comfort and go back to playing; sometimes even roughly. But, that’s OK, because at this point they have been reminded that they are making a choice to play rough, and part of that choice is being strong. Silly play is part of childhood and promotes bonding most of the time, so I say go ahead and play, but have a policy for when they get hurt; because they will. With a plan of how to handle the situation already made then silly situations don’t have to be stressful for me either.

Show love—Describe the Scene—Sing the Song—Done

ATTENTION SEEKING:

The other part of your question is about attention seeking. Seeking attention for an injury is "playing the martyr." This is NOT something that should be encouraged, because the behavior turns into a problematic paradigm for the future.

Whenever my child has been hurt, whether it was by accident, or from another child, I show appropriate concern and love, for about 30 seconds. I kindly describe that I understand what happened, or I ask questions to determine what happened and be sure to show that I understand. That is usually what they want confirmation of the most. Then I lovingly bandage the wound, if there is one, or kiss the boo-boo better, give a big hug and tell them tell them that I know they can be strong.

If my child chooses to try to seek attention for the wound, I pull them aside and describe what they are doing. Then I describe how they should behave. I tell them how their behavior effects other people around them and give them a reason, or rationale, to change the behavior. Then I pre-teach what will happen if they choose to continue seeking attention for their injury, and what will happen if they choose to be strong and not seek attention. We might practice behaving in a non-attention seeking way as well, before the interaction is completed. Always praise their practices and how well they talk to you about the behavior.

If they start attention seeking about the incident after your pre-teach, then you need to pull them aside again and do a corrective teaching. They need to earn a negative consequence for the behavior. You gave them an instruction as well as a NO answer, so they could earnteaching on either one of these skills.

Be sure to teach appropriate play or disagreeing appropriately to whoever caused the accident or incident. 🙂