Fights?

"When your kids are fighting, do you try to instruct them in the middle of that? I often try to intervene but maybe too often – they don't seem to be learning to problem solve with each-other rather than tattling and trying to get Mom to settle things in their favor. I honestly don't know what would happen if I let my kids continue to fight until it blows over or comes to blows, I usually step in and separate them before I can see how they would solve the problem. I know they are generally out of instructional control when they are fighting, so anything I tell them at that point isn't heard well until tempers are calmed. So, should I step in and try to calm tempers or wait and let them learn to calm themselves and be diplomatic?"

You areright that they are "outof instructional control" when they are fighting.

If the fight is with words, I usually say, "Everyone stop talking…right now (I describe thesituation without allowing interruptions)" Then I startwith the youngestperson and ask for an accountof what happened. I work my way totheoldest. I then tell eachperson what they have earned for not communicating effectively with their family members, and taking the Spirit out of the home. If they don'tstoptalking when told to , thengently remind them that I just gave them an instruction and whatthey will choose to earn if theychoose not to follow instructions.

If the fight is with fists, I would do thevery same as the above, except I would say, "Johnny and Timmy,put your arms down to your sides and sit down…"

Ifsomeone couldget really hurtand they won't follow instructions, then you will have to restrain them. We can't let brawls happen at home, because it ruins the feeling in the home. If you could gethurt, then don'tget involved and call the police. I never want to suggest that, but depending on the age and danger of the child, it could be necessary.

I had to give some ofmy youth steps for appropriate peer/sibling relations. These helped some of my violent youth.

Idon't encourage too many steps though.The best way to keep the family on trackis to goback to the family visionand mission and talk about how yourfamily lostsight of what what most important.

Be sure to teach the children things like how to disagree appropriately, etcand doSODAS about it, because that is probably therootof the problem anyway. Have them practice the correctkind of disagreement.

Pray with children who arehaving a hard time feeling the Spirit or getting along with a particular sibling.

Possibly have positive motivation for successful sibling relations for a few days.

Most importantly, don't ever leave situations like this not discussed, because then they will choose thesekindsof power tactics on their syblingsmore often and they will become increasingly aggressive to maintain control over the other person/people. And, make sure that they earn anegative consequence for their "out of control" behaviors. Cause and Effect!!!

**Don't ever start teaching correct disagreements etc until everyone (including you) is calm. If you have to, give everyone 3 minutes to breath first. If they can't follow instructions to calm down, start the rule of three.