connecting as a family

How do we connect better? Family with a history of codependency –
Mum is often waiting for Dad to give clear guidance on any family plans for any day, week, month or year and feels like she can't make plans or take any action as it's often negated by Dad who decides what he wants opposite to what's been planned often at the last minute.

Times for meals are ignored, he is unavailable at scheduled times and then chooses to want to connect when I (mum) am unavailable. As mother I often find myself fighting to be available for him only to find he turns around and tells me "you're not bring that up very nicely, I feel like you're attacking me…(which I feel like I am just raising a question calmly) "

I think this is the root cause of issues in the family:

Wondering how I can find my anchor to do my role as a mother – despite having someone who says they want to lead but then does it by undermining everything I do (which publically demonstrates to the children this way of behaviour) how do we find our flow as a couple?

background info:
We have horrible trouble connecting – we tend to "endure" each other as a family during the day with no one particularly satisfied and then at night when it comes to 1on1 time everyone is really needy for mum time – even mum wants longer 1on1 time with each child yet it's late and feels time pressure to wrap it up.
Mum herself doesn't enjoy being with the larger group on mass very much. We are getting better at meal times where people are learning to use the skills and there's a format. Still, the rest of the day there is lots of of disdain amongst each other and a pervasive feeling that no one is enjoying being together – we all fail to exude any warmth or connection and positive play often ends when one person just looses it.
Dad often gives out the feeling that he doesn't want to be there when we are attempting family meetings or corrections – after a move and change of location – mum at the moment feels lost at sea and unable to make a plan or productive time blocks to focus on tasks that are important because she fears leaving the children un-structured. They aren't following her directions to find useful activities and she's feeling really at a loss as to what is a good useful activity. We need some constructive work projects but are afraid to add anything new to the mix as we are so horrible at doing anything together it's embarrassing!