We were reading some of Poor Richard’s Almanac today and we found something that really applies to self government. 

“He that cannot bear with other people’s passions, cannot govern his own.”  ~Benjamin Franklin

We simply cannot let the behaviors of our children bother us.  They are growing and are imperfect.  If we allow their passions to bring out our passions, then we will never be the example of self control that we want them to become.  If we are out of control, it is impossible to teach correct behaviors. 

If you feel your passions taking control over you, take a time out and call upon a higher power for a calming influence.  Then analyze and teach with love.

“I’m having trouble figuring out a good consequence beyond time out for my 3 yr old.  He and his brother who just turned 6 share a room.  I gave them an instruction to clean their room this morning, and he left the room to play with toys before it was done.  I told him, just now I told you to clean your room, and you said ok, and then you didn’t do it.  You left your brother to do it all alone.  That makes it take a long time for your room to get done, and then it takes a long time before you can have breakfast!  You chose not to clean so we need to have a time out.  He went into time out nicely, and loved being praised for being good in time out after his 3 minutes were up.  He promised to finished cleaning.  But then he did it again.  We repeated the process and he had a second time out, but he left time out before the time was up.  Is it bad to use the same consequence twice in a row?  Do consequences always need to get bigger?  I don’t want to keep using time out, but I don’t have a chore to give him that would punish him either - he likes doing chores!  I don’t know if he is big enough to understand SODAS, so should I just move to loss of privileges?  Or should I plan a treat and take his snack privileges (we don’t usually have snacks or treats so it would require a trip to the store)?”

First, you are so good for not having treats a lot.  I wish I were so good about that. 

The second thought that comes to my mind is that your six year old is getting punished for your three year old’s bad behavior.  Your 3 year old might notice that his distraction is making it so that he doesn’t really ever have to clean up. 

If your 3 year old is not following instructions, your other son should either stop cleaning and wait until the job can be done fairly, or be assigned a certain portion of the room and leave the other portion for the 3 year old to finish when he is in instructional control. 

Another thought.  Could your 3 year old possibly feel overwhelmed by the large task of cleaning a whole room?  Until a person learns that a big job is only a bunch of little jobs, the one big job = anxiety.  It goes back to the old example of how do you eat an elephant?  

You may want to assign him a certain part of the room, or to clean up all the shoes first etc.  I would also have the boys each do their parts at different times.  Have the youngest boy clean up all the blocks and then check back for praise.  Then have the bigger boy clean up all the cars and check back.  Then repeat with something else until the job is done. 

You could even make a game out of how long it takes to get the job done.  Count for the first boy and then count for the second boy.  They will soon see from a game like this that cleaning the room doesn’t really take that long and that the big job is really only a few little jobs.  Decrease the anxiety for them.  We often have a 60 second pick up.  My children know that cleaning doesn’t take a long time, so they can almost pick up the whole upstairs by the time I get done counting to 60. 

Remember, to be a part of the process until they get it down.  If you run off to do something else while they do their cleaning assignment, they will not be able to stay disciplined on their own. 

I know that seems to go against the whole idea of doing the job themselves.  But, we weren’t made mothers to be efficient.  We weren’t made mothers to get everything done in one hour.  We were made mothers so that we could help our children learn how to become amazing adults.  This goal takes time.  How much?  Undetermined; just do your best.  That will be how much time it takes.  I know there are lots of pressures on us, but we really need to stop worrying about how much time we don’t have.  It makes anxiety in us and our families. 

A good friend of mine introduced me to the philosophy of not being busy.  She is an amazingly busy person and she said to me, “I have decided that I am not busy”.  I realized that she was right.  Business is a state of mind.  Whenever I remember to choose not to be busy, I am much happier.  This doesn’t mean that I some how got more done, or that I do less, it just means that I have chosen not to beat myself up over whatever I haven’t done yet.  Life is too precious to be rushed and stressed all the time.  (YIKES!  That was a tangent!)

As far as how you used time-out in your example.  You took him to time out and then praised and then talked.  Perfect!  He did the same thing and then you brought him right back!  Perfect!  It is also a good idea to practice following instructions before you go back to the original instruction.  Help them be OK with any instruction before you determine if they are really in control yet. 

You let him get away with walking off.  Not a good idea.  If it worked to walk away, he just learned to try to find ways to manipulate you and his consequences so that he doesn’t have to choose a change of heart. 

It is not bad to use the same consequence twice in a row.  If you consistently walk him to time-out EVERY time he doesn’t follow instructions etc., then you are showing him cause and effect perfectly.  You may not see him in pain, but he is still learning cause and effect.  Just make sure to leave his chore for him to do when he gets off, so that he can’t ever run away from what he doesn’t want to do.  If you ever have to do a chore for an out of control child, let them know that the chore has been replaced with another equal chore. 

Chores don’t always need to get bigger for a three year old that is out of control, but for a child that is over 5 years old, you should do regular intensive teaching for out of control behavior.  An out of control three year old will just end up going back to time-out a lot.  You could add other consequences if you think he would respond.

Make your 3 year old his own economy.  You could start having snacks and have him loose snack, or you could make loosing friend time be part of his system and then schedule friend time for the other children.  Some children need to see themselves loosing something in order to become motivated to care about choosing to control themselves.  I have found that I need to schedule enough fun things in my week that my children see things they could loose.  If your life has no privleges, then your children will see no reason to care about earning their privileges.   

If you want a big consequence for him, you might choose to have him loose his privileges for and hour or some time period shorter than 24 hours.  Make sure he knows that he doesn’t get to start his time until he can say OK to instructions.

You said that your son likes chores.  Good.  Chores don’t have to hurt.  We shouldn’t focus on hurting our children.  Consequences don’t have to cause pain to be effective.  When they chose wrong and have to be governed by the system they learn cause and effect with or without pain.

Don’t forget to show him what his positive consequences are for following instructions.  Sometimes we forget to give our children a reason to care about doing a task etc.  Pre-teaching works great for presenting what will happen depending on what they choose. 

No worries!  He will stop manipulating when you have chosen a system that works for him and consistently use it.  Keep your tolerances low and he will learn faster, and you will all be happier. 

Note* If he leaves time out before his time is done, then he is not accepting his consequence.  He should earn something like a chore or lose a privilege for this type of behavior. 

Tip* try to use rationals that will matter to him, like “When you choose not to follow the instruction to clean your room, you are really choosing to loose some of your play time in time out.  If you choose to say OK and immediately get your room clean, you will have so much more time to play.”  You get the idea. 

 ”…my son is pretty good at all 4 behaviors as long as I prep him by saying “This is an instruction, a no answer, etc.”  If I forget to do that and just give him an instruction, he doesn’t say “okay.”  Then when I tell him he didn’t say okay he says, “But you didn’t tell me it was an instruction!”  Is it reasonable to expect him to respond to instructions without pre-teaching or should I just plan that it is my responsibility to pre-teach?  I know other people outside of the home are not going to pre-teach so I would like him to be in the habit of saying “okay” without pre-teaching.  What are your thoughts on this?”

It is so good to see that your son responds so well to your pre-teaching.  That is exactly what pre-teaching is for.  Now that he has a firm understanding of the Four Basics, it is time to help him choose to govern his behaviors and emotions without always being prompted. 

Pull him aside for a small counseling session and praise him for how well he is doing with following instructions etc.  Make the praise heart-felt and meaningful.  Then tell him that he is ready to govern his own behaviors without you reminding him ahead of time.  Tell him exactly what will happen if he doesn’t either say “OK” or ask to disagree appropriately when given instructions etc.  Then have him help make a positive consequence for a whole day of following the Four Basics without being prompted. 

He should be able to focus for a day.  At the end of that day, praise him and follow through with whatever positive consequence he earned.  Let him know that you know he is able to follow instructions now without being told, so you will not be telling him as often when you are going to give him an instruction etc. 

On day two I would prompt 1/3 of the time.  Ideally, you want to be able to get to only having to prompt one time out of every 6-8 instructions. 

If he ever says, “But you didn’t tell me it was an instruction!” you will need to treat the comment as excuse making; which is not accepting a consequence. 

If you ever think that he might not be in the frame of mind to remember the four basics, be sure to pre-teach.   If you sense that he is emotional and could not react well to instruction, pre-teach.  Reminders at these times, encourage self control. 

Self Government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation, and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them.  According to this definition your son MUST master recognizing instructions etc. himself; that is the determine part. 

It sounds like he is on the path to governing his own behaviors.  Keep up the good work and remember to be consistent.  If he doesn’t follow the instruction (prompt or not) immediately do a corrective teach about following instructions and have him follow through with what he has earned.  System consistency inspires self mastery! 

“I really appreciate your detailed descriptions of what you do in your home, it really helps. Would you mind sharing some of the chores you put in your job jar? My children are 8 and 6 and I have the toughest time coming up with chores at the moment I need to give a consequence. I love the idea of a chore jar. Thanks!”

Here are a few ideas:

Wash garbages inside and out—-organize movie shelves ——organize a drawer or cupboard ——-clean out and organize the fridge or freezer or part of it ——-clean the stove top ——-clean finger prints off of walls, light switches, and doors —–detail clean the mixer ——clean out the microwave ——-wash floor boards ——dust pictures and frames —–organize costume or game closet ——-disinfect kitchen sink ——-wash under the bar and stools ——polish faucets in the whole house ——clean out coat closet ——sweep porches —–wash a window and blind —–ETC

The list goes on forever.  I hope this gives you a spark to start thinking of what needs to be done at your home. 

Thanks for the comment.

Nicholeen

A woman with an 18 year old daughter wrote me asking how to motivate her daughter to work more and to follow instructions. She said;

“Following instruction” seems insulting to her -  and rewards or punishments like sodas, TV time, etc etc are not effective at all.  In fact, I don’t know of anything in the way of consequences OR rewards that would motivate her.”

I have had 18 year olds.  I will tell you what this situation sounds like to me.  As with everything, without really meeting this young woman, I can’t be sure what would help her best. 

I could see how learning how to follow instructions could seem a little bit elementary to an 18 year old girl.  However, if she really views it as “insulting” then she probably doesn’t have a vision of what your family is trying to do and she has an attitude problem. 

Since this mother told me that she only heard me do a one hour presentation, I would recommend the CD seminar set, because the first 1.5 hours talk about creating a family vision and finding mission as a family.  A family vision is the reason a person cares about treating their parents with respect or working to improve the home. 

As parents, we all have a vision of what we want our relationships with our children to be, and that is why we work so hard to learn how to most effectively inspire them and communicate with them.  The children usually only think about what they want for themselves.  They don’t often evaluate their relationships with their family members, this requires already having an IDEAL to compare to.  Most youth are also in the habit of assuming that if they don’t like something, it is someone else’s fault.  This extrinsic mentality works against learning how to govern themselves. 

To help with this vision problem, I would create a family vision and use it as a large topic of conversation.  I would empower my daughter with really dwelling on her roll in this vision. 

I would start having weekly mentor meetings with her where you talk about her dreams and progress toward her dreams.  If she says she has no dreams, then you need to take a close look at the friends she is associating with, because they may be either distracting her from dreaming, or they may not be inspiring for her. 

She could also be depressed.  If she is depressed, then you need to talk to her more everyday about everything, and help her see that she can accomplish goals, by setting goals with her and helping her set attainable goals.  Children often get depressed when there has been too much stress in their lives about moving forward and not enough skills development time or practice associated with the actual movement.  Sometimes our good intentions push some children too far too fast.

If she is not doing well in school, she probably either has lazy friends, lacks some skills and doesn’t know what she is lacking or is afraid to ask for help.  Someone could have made her feel dumb by asking a basic question once, so she has chosen not to ask any more.  These are just thoughts, since I don’t know your daughter.

I did have a foster daughter once who would come home from high school and do hours of homework.  She really wrote great papers too.  She was by far my smartest girl.  At the mid-term, I found out she was failing every class.  This boggled my mind.  I had a special meeting with her about it.  In the meeting she told me that she did all the work, but chose not to turn in her work, because she didn’t want to look smart.  Apparently the group she was a part of praised ignorance and shunned intelligence.  Shocking but true! 

After making sure your home has vision, and the Spirit, and regular meetings that help maintain both of these things, then I would bring up following instructions.  She needs to know that if she chooses not to follow instructions, she is communicating to you that she doesn’t respect your authority as her parent, and that she doesn’t want to be treated like an adult. 

I would tell her that you want to have a relationship with her where you can treat her like an adult.  See if she wants that too.  Then explain to her that if she shows you she is committed to the family vision by making good choices and following instructions, then you will know that she has matured enough to be considered an adult living in your home instead of a child. 

As basic as this sounds, most youth really don’t know this fact.  They don’t know that their behaviors and attitudes influence how they are treated.  To recognize this takes self evaluation.  Learning how to choose to control behaviors and follow instructions helps youth start to analyze themselves. 

You MUST follow the program that I present, making sure that cause and effect is taught consistently.  If she doesn’t follow instructions or complete tasks, then she needs to earn other tasks.  If she doesn’t follow that instruction, then you know she is out of instructional control, and you need to do the rule of three.  She my not like SODAS, but they are great to do, even if she only does a few.  Be sure to talk them over with her in a mature way.  Appropriate consequences for her would be extra chores, loss of snack privilege (be sure to make snacks that day), major maintenance’s, loss of friend time, loss of phone privileges, car privileges, and loss of all privileges for 24 hours. 

****Tip*****If she gets down on herself easily, maybe you need to set incentives, or positive consequences for times she follows instructions for a whole day.  Also, it is very possible that she sees no positive consequences when she does sometimes choose to help out.  It is so easy to expect an 18 year old to just do things with out praise.  Everyone needs praise, or they loose motivation.  Tell her how much you appreciate her, or show her by noticing when she does follow instructions and then spontaneously, say, “You are so great at following instructions.  When you follow my instructions I know you respect me.  This makes me feel closer to you.  Do you want to go get a smoothie with me?”  Or, schedule a girls afternoon or something. 

***Let her know that as soon as she shows you she is able to govern her own behaviors, then she will not have to be part of the “instruction” system anymore.  Show her an end.  ****Just following instructions for a week is not enough.  You need to see her constantly on task and helping out at home, then you will know her heart has changed.  When she has vision and a change of heart, then she is ready to be treated like an adult.  At this point you change from a superior role to a companionship type role.

Also, the 18 year old described above sounds like she has character problems.  My character presentation in the seminar CD set could also help with that.  For that I would schedule time in your day to do lots of meaningful work time with her.  I would even go so far as to schedule whole days that are work days.  Think of BIG projects that you NEED her help with.  Everyone needs to be needed.  Working side by side with a fun, loving parent gives a youth a vision of who they want to become and what they want their relationship with you to be like.  You may be surprised at how much about staying on task she learns from your example of staying on task. 

The most important thing is to work on your relationship with her.  She needs to see you as cool, approachable, and knowledgeable.

Note** 18 year olds are almost out of your parenting reach.  They can really only be parented at this point if they let you parent them.  (This depends, of course, on the maturity level of the youth.)  Example and genuine relationship building is the best teacher for this age.  Discuss her future and then write down all the steps she needs to get to that future.  Then start at the first step.