After moving to a new neighborhood, many years ago, I found myself talking to a nice woman about who the different families were who lived around me.  I couldn’t wait to get acquainted with everyone, and her information about the names of families and what age children lived in what homes was very informative for me.  When she mentioned one family, the tone of her conversation changed.  With contempt in her voice, this wonderful woman started telling me how this particular family was a “perfect family.”  This label was obviously meant to be a negative remark.  She sited how this family thought they were so great and perfect.  Then she proceeded to tell me how spoiled this family’s children were, and how mean they were to her children but the parents of the other family wouldn’t ever punish their children for their bad behaviors.  At this point in the conversation, I knew something interesting about this talkative neighbor.  She wanted her children to appear as perfect, and she felt that any other family who appeared perfect was competition. 

This conversation left a lasting impression on me.  I had never consciously noticed how common it is for parents to use their children to compete with their neighbors and for parents to create an illusion that their child is “perfect” or somehow superior to normal children.  I had also not realized that I was doing it too.  At the time I only had one small child, but that was all I needed to join the competition for the perfect child.  I compared him to all of his friends and cousins, and boasted about my child whenever possible.  I started doing this without even realizing that I was doing it.  Along with most of the other parents around me, I tried to present the “perfect” child to everyone else. 

I continued down this path until I met a woman who showed me another way to be.  I can really say, I didn’t see any other way to be as a parent up until that point.  I finally met the woman my talkative neighbor told me had the “perfect family.”  This woman was completely different than I had anticipated.  She freely spoke of the struggles her children were having, and her struggles as a mother.  I went into her home and noticed it was not perfect, but it was inspiring.  She focused her family on everything most important, like religion, faith, love, and vision.  I realized if I would have told her people thought her family was “perfect” she would have laughed in my face.  She knew her family wasn’t perfect, and was fine with that because she knew her vision was perfect. 

Be enough because you have a vision of what you want for your home.  Know that you can’t make “perfect” children or “perfect” families, but you can be “perfect” in purpose and vision.  Competing with your neighbors will only tear you down and take your focus off of what is most important; working toward making joyful adults, who know what their mission in life is, and can’t wait to fight for it, and have solid relationships with God and family.  Love your children more than your ego.  Love your children enough to allow them to progress through childhood as non-perfect beings, who are a work in progress, just like you are. 

One day I was walking passed my daughters bedroom when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my daughter’s 3 year old friend emptying the last of a HUGE 100oz refill bottle of bubbles onto the carpet.  She had climbed the closet shelves to the top and got down the bottle, so that she could dump it.  What did I do?  Did I lose my cool?  No way.  This wasn’t my child.  I walked into the room and said, “Oh Sara, bubbles don’t go on the carpet.  I think we better go outside to play now, so I can clean this up.”  With that I lovingly escorted them to the yard to play, and came back in to try to fix the mess.  Just so you know, 100oz of bubbles doesn’t come out of carpet.  They just lather and lather and then leave a large gray stain.  I smiled and cleaned up the mess with an “accidents happen” attitude.  I remember wondering if I would have reacted this same way if my own child had been the one holding the bottle.  What would you do?  Home should be the safest place to make mistakes.

What if your toddler has an “accident” in his pants and all over the floor, because he didn’t go to the bathroom soon enough?  What do you do?  Do you get frustrated, sigh a deep sigh, or raise your voice?  How is your voice tone?  Home should be the safest place to make mistakes. 

What if your son leaves your cordless phone out on the lawn and the sprinklers water it during the night?  What do you do?  How is your voice tone?  How is your face?  Home should be the safest environment to make mistakes. 

What if it wasn’t your son who left the phone out?  What if it was your spouse?  How would you treat him?  Would you tease him about it?  I have learned the hard way that the rule of acceptance and not criticizing the small meaningless things also applies to my spouse too.  I have found it is harder to be accepting of my spouse’s mistakes and differences than even my children’s mistakes, but accepting my spouse is definitely just as worth it.  When the children see me and my husband accepting and loving each other, it reaffirms to them that we also accept the children and love them.  Seeing a positive marital relationship also prepares my children for success in their future marriages. 

Before I leave this topic I want to address the other side of criticism.  I have said that being too critical can damage a young person.  But, never giving criticism can do the same thing.  What if your child grows up so protected from criticism that he can’t hold a job because he is always getting upset and offended by his boss’s criticisms?  What if she becomes the kind of person who can’t ever be wrong?  Life is frustrating for these kinds of people.  We absolutely must criticize our children, but about what, how often, and with what tone are things we need to think about before we extend the critical remark. 

2008 has been a very noisy year!  Our family spends a lot of time playing, singing, and performing music.  Music is quickly becoming our family’s main pass time.  Spencer and Quinton even went all the way to Nashville this year to compete in the International Barbershop Competition and to Colorado Springs to compete in a district competition.  They sing with the Beehive Statesmen, and are two of four men in a quartet called, All-a-Chord.  Londyn, Paije and Quinton, all play piano and sing, and Porter is a budding musician as well.  Paije and Quinton performed in the University of Utah’s annual Piano Monster concert this year as well as many other recitals etc.  (Thank you for putting up with my bragging, I don’t know how else to tell you what is happening.)  This year we want to wish all of our friends and family Merry Melodies!  Please accept our Christmas wish for your family to have health, happiness, and the true spirit of this blessed holiday this year. 

A Comment: 

You used the word simple.  I believe in simple.  Every truth is simple.  If my life at home feels too complex, then I know I am doing something wrong.  A usable family government system gives me simplicity. 

Simple doesn’t always mean easy though; remember that.  Unfortunately, just because something is simple to understand doesn’t mean that the behavior will be easy for us to master in ourselves.  Fixing bad habits or behaviors takes work and discipline even though the method is simple.  Luckily, we can keep focusing on the simple truths while we master our undesirable habits and behaviors which make life seem complex sometimes.   

In the post below I discussed teaching our children gratitude.  I forgot to mention one thing we do which teaches gratefulness the most; thank you notes. 

Thank you notes are almost a thing of the past.  This is sad and possibly selfish.  Nothing replaces the warmth and love the feeling of a hand written note or letter gives to a reader.  I have lovingly kept cards and notes from all of the dear people currently in my life and those who are no longer living.  Seeing the writing and words from my grandmother warms my soul.  I am so glad that she believed in writing cards and notes to me, so I have these treasures to hold and feel connected to her. 

I know it sounds like I probably keep every piece of paper that comes my way.  I don’t.  But, I do keep papers that make me feel things, so I can remember the important people and feelings in my life.  I put these dear possessions in a scrapbook meant for holding them. 

As much as getting a heart-felt thank you note is a treasure, writing one is even more valuable.  The writer of the thank you note gets to search her feelings for her friend or family member and express them.  Writing words of thanks strengthens relationships and inspires a feeling of gratitude.  This selfless act encourages sacrifice and lasting love in relationships.  A person who grows up thinking to stop and say thank you will find great relationships and personal joy in life. 

Each Christmas and Birthday, I have my children have a thank you day.  On this day we make a list of all the kind things people have done for us or given us and then make home made thank you cards for each person on our list, and send them out. 

Thank you notes are contagious.  One thank you note inspires another.  Spread the kindness this Christmas by starting with your own act of gratitude at home. 

P.S. don’t make it take forever.  Make your cards simple in design, and meaningful in text.  Fancy cards are beautiful, and often impress, but the most important thing is touching hearts and changing the heart of the writer.  This means your little writer shouldn’t feel like the process is supposed to be long and painful.  Keep your thank you card writing time short, sweet, and meaningful.