Music

Our college kids are visiting on winter break. We were driving to a cabin and on the way up our 14 year old played music from a playlist she made. (Last week you answered the question about attention seeking about her.) The music was mostly old rock and old new wave, a little in the hard side. We played it for a while then turned on Persuasion from Jane Austen. When we arrived, my 24 year old daughter pulled me aside and said that she really doesn’t like the music. It makes her stressed out.

She said our family mostly talks about negative political commentary and other negative subjects. Though it does tend to be negative, a lot is about how to solve problems, ie homelessness and poverty. She wants the family to turn towards the light. She’s found a beautiful group of girls that love and praise God at her college.

These are the ways I responded:
1. I told her thank you, I do see the problem and will work on it with her father and Nicholeen. But also reminded her that she can’t be the parent. She agreed.
2. I spoke to my husband about our concern with music. He got defensive and angry. He believes it’s subjective. He may find something beautiful that I find depressing.
3. The oldest daughter spoke to dad. He got angry. He hit and damaged the bedroom wall. The kids didn’t realize this happened. He is seeing a Christian therapist that uses CBT. We later talked about lhow she wants the family to be filled with the Holy Spirit which he liked.
4. I played a playlist with some lighter rock and some gospel and choral music. My husband and I agreed decide on some play lists together. Our 14 year old made a list of songs for her older sister and me which she played. They were all sweet fun songs. I said I love her no matter what music she likes.
5. I’m listening to your podcast on Optimism and thinking about listening with the family.

The whole issue of music is difficult for our family. I don’t know how to define what it positive and uplifting. I know that it is subjective to some degree. I’ve stayed away from music largely because a lot of things I’ve played will be made fun of or critiqued. I’m thinking I’d like to take charge, but I lack direction of what to play.

Do you have a measure for what is best? Should I just say certain genres can’t be played while in our house and car?

Also, the kids listen to music on headphones while doing homework. I suspect that they both have ADD. My husband and I agree that it isn’t helping.

Thanks so much.