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Our oldest 16-year-old son recently went out of instructional control, walked away from me when we were discussing after I gave him a no answer which he did not accept or disagree appropriately to. I had done some pre-teaching on choices and let him know that if he went to Mom to try to divide us and get his way through her, causing conflict between her and I, that would be considered not dropping the subject and earning additional chores and consequences. I reminded him of this in Mom‘s presence, once he did it, and she delivered a message telling me in front of him that it’s OK for him to go talk to her. She doesn’t understand how this has led to significant conflicts and sends him a message that it’s an effective strategy because she will fight his battles for him. How should I handle this with her and with him?
On the flipside of that, I feel like it’s such an extreme difference between Mom and I, with her being modern progressive/permissive and me implementing TSG. The children clearly whine, throw tantrums, disagreeing inappropriately and demand things from her and she obliges. I feel like I should be at least describing the situation to them as best as I can, even if not with any consequences but just so that they can continue to see the contrast of their choices, depending on which parent they are interacting with. Is this generally OK, or is honoring her interactions with them better in a way that I completely stay out of it and don’t even give them any feedback or try to have parent counseling sessions with them?
I have noticed Mom using TSG type language, like I need you to… Come now and eat, the food is getting cold & similar types of instructions, but never actually providing any consequences to the children which they inevitably do not follow her instructions or accept no answers. I thought it was good to hear her saying“I need you to“ to the children, because maybe she’s realizing when I do it they pay attention more because they know there are consequences to their choices. I feel it can get confusing to the children, and the more that I might be able to point out to them that their mom can choose her own way of parenting, but with me when I use the same phrase or words, there are choices with consequences etc.
Thank you!