Discerning calm

Hi Nicholeen,

My 14 year old son has been doing much better with his angry outbursts from a sheer volume aspect. As we are working to increase calmness, I am trying to teach him what actually being calm is. When he talks to me about something that bothers him, he has made sure his voice isn't raised, but I can still see anger in his eyes and feel it in his tone/words. I have told him he isn't calm yet and he will reply, "You can't tell me whether I'm calm or not. I am calm." I was able to illustrate this for him when I was talking to him one day. I was calm on the outside, but felt tight in my chest with anxiety. I asked him if he thought I was calm and he told me he thought I was. I told him I wasn't on the inside and I excused myself to pray so I could get to a true place of calmness. I feel like that was a helpful teaching moment, but he still says "I'm the only one who can say whether I'm calm or not." We're starting the module on the power of calm together and have done the self assessment of when we are angry vs. calm. I feel like little by little we might be chipping away at this issue, but it still comes up as an argument from him every time I tell him he isn't calm yet. I get sidetracked and it turns into an argument where I am obviously not calm–even if my voice is quieter.

Any help would be appreciated. Do I wait to give an instruction until he is completely calm? No angry eyes, tone, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to force him into being calm. I'd like to encourage him to be calm without trying to do it out of force.