Challenges with the Calm-Down Spot

Hi Nicholeen. We have been using TSG for a little over a month. We have a three-year-old who often chooses to go out of instructional control. We have done our best to use the calm-down spot, but find ourselves dreading it because he fights us, and we often get stuck holding him in the spot for extended periods of time while he continues to fight us and scream continuously.

Here’s how we use the calm-down spot. When we’ve identified that he might be out of instructional control, we tell him that we are going to take him to the calm-down spot. He usually starts yelling, “I’m calm!” at us. When he does this, we give him the opportunity to follow instructions to see if he is actually calm. If he can’t follow instructions, we’ll take him to the spot, which is a chair in our office/school room. He will almost never sit in the spot without being held initially. I am able to hold him in the spot temporarily, while I’m standing, then after asking him if he likes it when I hold him, he will answer no. Then I’ll let him go with the instruction that he stays until he’s ready to be calm. That cycle will repeat once or twice, until he stays (even though his bum is barely on the edge of the seat and his feet inches from the floor). I’ll tell him I’ll check back in on him in 2 minutes, then I’ll leave (but not far away). It usually takes me 2-4 times checking back for him to choose to be calm.

However, this doesn’t work as well for my wife. Because he is a very strong, stout boy, he is a challenge for her to hold. She has to softly wrap him up on her lap and sit. When she does attempt to leave him for some time, he tells her “No”, jumps up and then proclaims, “I got up, mom.” Often she ends up sitting with him in the spot for around 30 minutes, with him screaming loudly at her the entire time until he finally chooses to calm himself. She has truly come to dread the calm-down spot, and I for her. On good days, he might only go to the spot 2-3 times, but those are rare. Often, it’s between 4-8 time a day.

Is this just how it goes sometimes, or are there things we can do differently to help him? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.