5 yo bad attitude follow up

Hi Nicholeen,

My five year old thinks he’s outsmarted the rule of three and that he can stay out of instructional control so long as he just follows the instruction to take three deep breaths. So I need a better understanding of what to do in that circumstance. Last night he threw a fit about it not being his turn to snuggle during scripture time so I immediately went into the rule of three, but because I saw he was only following the breathing instruction but refusing any other instruction, I started over and used the instruction to “go sit on the couch and stop making an issue” as the instruction. Finally on the third instruction he disagreed appropriately and we found a win-win and all was well, but I’m wondering if this is how you would handle it? I’ve heard you say that they weren’t really calm if they immediately start not following instructions again but I don’t understand how to handle it. When that happens do you then say they’ve earned the consequence? Do you just preteach that if they take the three breaths but keep disobeying that they get the first consequence etc. ?

Also I know chores aren’t supposed to pile up, but what do you do when a child is making lots of errors but seems otherwise willing to be in instructional control? Like if in the process of giving an extra chore the child doesn’t look at me? Do I correct that behavior and assign another extra chore? What if they don’t check back from the extra chore? THEN do they earn another one? Or what if my child has a behavior that would normally earn an extra chore during a major maintenance? Knowing my child, if he learns that I won’t assign another extra chore during a chore he’s going to take as long as he can to stretch out that perceived immunity, so I have been letting them stack up and they don’t seem to mind but it does get hard for me to keep track of, and I know I’m missing something here. In the meantime I’ve been jumping to the rule of three pretty quickly if his behavior is sloppy in such a way that would otherwise earn a cascade of extra chores – like if he’s ignoring me and then moving slowly and floppy and then debating me – but then I get stuck as mentioned above because he’s become a pro at those three deep breaths even if he has no intention of following instructions otherwise.

So there we are full circle. Any mini steps to help me map out the choices and corrections would really help me.

Thank you!
(And congrats to Paige!!)