Family members stuck in victim mode

Hi all!

My wife & I just got back from a vacation in Spain. Certainly nice to take a break & connect as a couple. As the old saying goes though, wherever you go, there you are! We did have some long distance parenting come up. We were out to dinner with my cousin & his fiancee, & our daughter called Mom & began to whine & complain about something (Mom modern progressive & our 11 year old daughter doing what she does… whine & try to get her way).

While I reminded myself to let Mom handle her own interactions, she eventually tired and gave up, handed me the phone & asked me to deal with her our daughter. I calmly gave our daughter a no answer & instructions, & reminded her of consequences, loss of privileges & chores. She calmed down quickly & we continued our dinner. Our 16 year old son, later was speaking to mom & also not accepting a no answer, of not letting him go out & drive a vehicle while we were traveling (also was the day hurricane Milton was working its way through our state and my wife & I had agreed to already).

Again, Mom did not know how to handle & he did what he should be expected to do, demand, nag & not accept no for an answer. She handed me the phone again & asked me to deal with him. I did so once again, but after we said goodbye to my cousin I tried to calmly speak with her just to make sure that we were on the same page, because I wanted to be prepared for our son to continue to try to get a yes, & since this was now my interaction with him, I was prepared to remove technology privileges & go through TSG steps, despite being in Spain.

The conversation with my wife became difficult, I felt she got very defensive and she complained that I should have explained to her what I intended to do if our son would not listen, otherwise, she said she wouldn’t have asked me to deal with it (which I reminded her that my plan doesn’t change and I try to be consistent, so it shouldn't surprise her). I know I still need to work on my tone, but I feel I'm doing my best and was hoping for some additional thoughts on handling these types of situations, and responding to my wife and children when I feel they are succumbing to victim thinking and blaming?

I do have another weekend with the boys since mom is going on a trip with our daughter this weekend. I’m curious to see if I will experience another instance where the boys are much more cooperative when Mom isn’t around. It’s like they feed off of her!