Neurodivergent part 2

We spend hours each week pre-teaching and doing SODAS. He has memorized all four children’s books word-for-word, and I’ve even sublimated a blanket with the four major skills, notes of love, and calming poems. He has an affirmation song, and his extra chores often involve singing a line in front of a mirror. Despite these efforts, he doesn’t accept consequences, and when he starts earning them, it takes him days to calm down.

In his happy state, he’s helpful, kind, generous, and hardworking. But when angry, he’s physically aggressive—pulling hair, shoving, scratching, and kicking. He even wakes his siblings by screaming outside their doors, hurts me and his sibling, and is a danger to be around. Once calm, three days later, he can finally accept a consequence, but by then, he doesn’t even remember what he did. Mentally, he regresses to the level of a toddler when upset. I’m at a loss—what did you do with neurodivergent kids in your care?

I’m scared. I fear he will isolate himself, hurt others with his occasional cruelty, or develop harmful, negative thoughts. I worry he’ll always see himself as a victim, unable to escape his sorrow. When he talks to his friends, he’s often condescending, not knowing how to connect. Academically, he’s four years ahead of his peers, so he asks them difficult questions that turn into competitive "who knows more" battles. His condescension causes power struggles and makes it hard for people to want to hang out with him.

In homeschooling, I control his environment and the people he interacts with, so he’s never been picked on. But I’m worried I’m sheltering him from something inevitable. He’s had fallouts with kids, but with homeschooling those fall outs can be mitigated without too much emotional harm. He struggles to form deep relationships.
I want my son to enjoy the deep, intimate relationships life has to offer. I want him to have strong connections with God and others.

His dad, who works from home, has given me an ultimatum—either send him to school or he’ll start working at the office. I don’t think isolating him is the solution, but with his meltdowns extending for months and very few calm days, I don’t know if I can continue homeschooling him. I can’t sleep and am so anxious and exhausted over this. Is my son going to be okay? How can I help?