Flustered Self Talk (Part 1)

Hi Nicholeen,

Can you talk about using the 4 basic skills to handle conflict in marriage? I feel torn between setting boundaries and giving my husband no answers about things that I think are my decision to make, and being a pushover that goes along with whatever he says if he's not willing to meet me in the middle or agree with me. My husband wants to be unified and make decisions together but sometimes I feel like he's trying to control things that ought to be my decision to make and generally fall under my stewardship, so even though I also want to be unified, for those things I'd rather just divide and conquer. I feel guilty if I put my foot down about things that I think are my decision to make when he doesn't like it. I feel very flustered about this dynamic a lot because I want to be a peacemaker, but I've found in the past that I've tried to be a peacemaker so much that I didn't stick up for myself and my own needs and that lead to me harboring a lot of resentment toward my husband for not supporting me like I thought he should. I'm trying to strike a healthier balance and stand up for my needs better but some of those things my husband doesn't like and I have a hard time separating whether I'm being unreasonable or if he needs to accept a no answer, or if I need to accept his no answer etc. I am doing better about standing up for my NEEDS in general, because they are needs and I'm learning if I don't take care of myself, no one else will, but then when it comes to wants, and goals, and just general decision making it gets harder if he disagrees with me when I'd rather he just let me make my own choices.

I'm looking for what true principles I can apply to better self-govern when are not finding a common solution. I know disagreeing appropriately is essential but with my children I have clear authority to give a no-answer, and that's different in marriage when we are supposed to be equal partners. It's hard for me to separate being a peacemaker from meaning going along with whatever he wants, because in general he's much less flexible so even if we disagree appropriately, I feel like in general I'm much more likely to be open minded and yield to him than he will with me, but I don't really like that dynamic and am not sure how to navigate that according to true principles.