Disagreeing appropriately

Hello there,

I have a question about the steps to disagree appropriately. When I was teaching my family how to disagree appropriately, there was some confusion about the step of seeking to understand the other person first. Does the person who asks to disagree appropriately ask for my opinion as the parent first before sharing their opinion? Or when they ask do they share their opinion first while I as the parent listen seeking to understand before I share my opinion?

Also, my son isn't diagnosed with ODD, but his behaviors line up with the symptoms. He is 14 years old. He hates the idea of disagreeing appropriately because he wants to argue his point and will not drop the subject. He feels like the purpose of disagreeing is to convince me of his viewpoint and if I don't take his side, he persists. Also, when he is talking to me and is not calm, I tell him I will talk with him when he is calm. He will change his voice so that he is more calm (e.g. voice is not raised, not making angry faces at me, etc) but his demeanor is still one of arguing. I tell him he's not calm and he responds by saying, "I am calm. You can't tell me whether I'm calm or not."

Thanks for your help. Your material has been a long awaited answer to my many prayers. I believe that change and healing are possible for my family, but at the moment I am feeling discouraged.