Support Call 3-1-19 | Teaching Self-Government

Support Call 3-1-19

Whole Call:

Question:

How do you help a teenage son get more onboard with the teaching self Government?

He has a very strong personality and really has tried to rule the house since he was a child. We've been fighting this for years, but since I didn't have the skills to deal with this, it's not gotten better.

Now that we are changing things, he is fighting it. Last night during our family meeting he brought up an issue that was attacking me personally. Even though I told him several times that was something to address during our mentor meeting before that. So I reminded him of the rules of not pointing fingers and that we can address it in our mentor meeting. But I don't feel like I handled it exactly right... I felt very attacked. Also I have to note that my husband has been out of town for most of the last 2 weeks. So I've been doing this on my own mostly and my husband was not home for the meeting.

His issue he brought up was that he felt like my compliments were designed to make him feel bad. Now we have not gotten deeper because we have not had his one on one and I am open to listen to his feedback and will do so during our meeting. But it had to do with how I'm doing the teaching self Government. And I know he really hates it still. He'd rather be in charge still. And boss everybody around including me. There are some deep habits that we are working on changing and it's not easy for either one of us.

Answer:

Interesting that he pointed out that he doesn’t like the positive feedback and not the negative… He’s used to seeking negative attention.

The behavior you are seeing is his effort to take the wind out of your sails and take control of the family again. He is just being manipulative.

It is just a behavior. Don’t ever take it personally. He knows you are so full of love and good intentions that he is using your own love against you.

If he says this about getting praised from you, then he is not accepting consequences, positive consequences.

In the meeting he needed to accept the no answer. He didn’t. Hopefully you corrected him and he got to earn an extra chore.

He won’t love it at first because it puts him in his place. The system helps restore the roles. Don’t worry that he doesn’t love it yet. It could take him a little while.

Have the mentor meeting, and stay consistent.

Don’t be emotional. Only describe. Don’t react. Pray for strength.

Be calm, Be consistent.

Strengthen relationship.

Question:

What do you do when a teen runs away?  One time a therapist asked me if I called the cops. I did not. Was I suppose to?  How would you handle this?

Answer:

First, pre-teaching is important. They need to understand the law.

Could have a time period before calling police. Or, if they really do runaway, you could call police immediately so that they don’t get too far. Usually police like it if the child has been gone an hour, unless the child has a running history.

Where do they go? Do they stay outside within the block? Then, I wouldn’t call.

But, if they go in anyone’s house the other person could be charged with breaking the law because they aren’t their child. And, bringing police into it often deters them. That’s why the therapist brought it up.

Why does the teen run away?

It sounds like you need to work on relationship a lot.

Are they feeling understood?

Question:

We just started using TSG in our home and have seen a huge improvement already. I do however have a question and hoped I could get some help here. My 6 year old just did some damage to school property today at school. He is accepting his consequence from the school but I feel like he should have loss of privileges at home for the evening and do chores and sodas on top of the school consequences. I just wondered if that is the right action to take?

Answer:

Use the first incident as a pre-teach. SODAS

Do the teaching. Talk about the consequence and accepting it.

Stay calm.

If he didn’t accept a no answer because he crossed a boundary or something…then just do a simple correction with extra chore.

He needs to know in the future about how you will handle destruction of property.

Does he have remorse?

Question:

I was talking with my daughter the other day, and gave her an instruction that she didn't want to follow.  She was disagreeing appropriately, and she got around to saying that "it doesnt really matter because youre going to force me to do it anyway." I said that there is aways a choice, but you'll have to pay the consequence for not doing it.

Answer:

Once you end up following though with wrong desires, you distance yourself from god.  The difference is between whether or not you want to be obedient.

Unless we show them that we are their advocates, they will end up traveling further down the rabbit hole.