Steps to follow so start

Hi Nicholeen, I just typed a whole message & lost it.
I have a situation with my 12yr old Daughter where I am seeing the cracks big time in our connection. I am a Solo Parent & the Father lives in Germany & is German. He is not supportive & has in my mind Covert Narrsistic traits. It has been 12 yrs of hell with him & I returned to the UK for this reason in 2017. There is a court oder for me to provide contact 3 x per year in germany & the build up & after is really challenging for my Daughter. 5 weeks prior she is clinging (this is even up until this summer age 11) 3 weeks after she is dissasociated with me & distant wanting to be with her Dad & his Wife. He feeds her Gluten all the time & tells her its GF (She has Gluten Intolerance) She is AuADHD & so am I, He has gone against her diagnosis & says I project it to her. There has been significant other stressors also with my Mum dying 31/10/21 of a very visible cancer & my Dad passing 31/10/24, so 2 weeks ago after Suffering Dementia. My Daughter has been carer along side me as I am alone & she was so close with her Grandparents so this has been so hard. I have been really struggling with being the Calm Mum with one emergancy after another & managing way too much intensity for years. If it was'nt dying sick parent it was court with the Dad. My D also stopped mainstream ed Feb 2023 (thankfully) she is in a small Home ed group & various projects all I finance myself. I am working towards EOTAS where the council pay for the education but not there yet.
I see big cracks with my D not being in instructional control most of the time. She will help with chores happily but not clear up her stuff, is eye rolling, resorting to lying, sneaking devices even though I try to secure them with codes or lock away. I found a note saying she had thought about self harm recently. She has a wonderful conselor I have sourced for support & the counselor has refered to Social services for safeguarding concerns with the Dad for emotional abuse, putting her down & alienation of me. But they do nothing. I am also stopping the Xmas contact this year which will result in a Court battle. Its exhausting.
All I want to do is support my Child & myself & focus on healing & repairing. Everything is a mess & I do not know where to start. I have not the funds for the January course but have your books & Audio. I feel I need a step list to follow so I can work through & build on each step. ATM she just laughs at me & does what she wants