Rule of Three Doesn’t seem to work

Hi. Struggling with the rule of three with my 8 year old daughter. I am the father. When she is corrected sometimes she feels attacked by the world and if I do the rule of three she'll quickly just blast right through it and earn a LOP. She's mentally in such a victim brain space, and the script of the rule of three is so triggering for her that to me it feels unfair, like she has no chance. I know that's not how it's designed (it's designed to point them towards calm) but it seems like the effect is the opposite. I feel like you'll say that's just her choices and she doesn't have to like it and that she'll learn. I know that the whole point of 'teaching self-government,' but I'm having doubts.

We've been giving our kids the opportunity to take a break in their rooms if they'd like before starting the rule of three. My wife in particular, very rarely actually does the rule of three, she'll just direct them to take a break in their rooms instead until they are ready to accept their consequence. Then the bigger consequences come if they refuse to take their break. Part of her reason for this is that the rule of three takes a long time and she has our 6 year old and 18 month old to take care of, and an in home day care some days, and just isn't sold on the rule of three. She wants it to just be simpler – "you need a break – come back as soon as you're calm."

I think I've heard you say before about how it's not really teaching them much if they learn to calm down using an book or similar activity in their room, but the rule of three just doesn't seem to work. Like my daughter is just not capable. She's been having trouble regulating her emotions since she was 3 years old and our life since then has been a whirlwind of trying to figure out how in the world to help her – now it's a strong force in our 6 year old too and many days are just chaos. She has an ADHD diagnosis, and I'm 100% we could get one for our 6 year old, and she's actually made incredible progress. We've been doing TSG for 4 months, but in certain brain states, once every week or two, it just seems like a lose-lose situation.

Do you hear what I'm saying? Do you have other adjustments to the standard formulas that you ever suggest? How confident are you that ANYone can learn to calm themselves with the TSG program?

Thanks for your time 🙂