Grandma’s Role

Hi Nicholeen,
My mother is 70, she loves to feel needed and useful and wants to have good relationships with her grandchildren (she has around 50). She has been watching my interactions with my children and others, when we first started TSG she was pessimistic, and even worried that I was going to drive my children away, but lately she has been coming and asking me questions when she has negative interactions with her grandchildren, describing the situation and asking my advice. She came to me last Sunday with a situation where one of my sister's children (who is not doing TSG) had been going to run outside in the rain and she had tried to stop him. He answered her disrespectfully which hurt her a lot, she took it personally, reacted emotionally and said something back which started a power struggle that he ultimately won. She struggles to understand the concepts of not taking things personally and communicating effectively when I try to explain them to her, but I still try. I explained that he was out of role and he needed to accept her "no answer" but that she needed to give him a proper "no answer" not a vague one and then correct him if he didn't listen. If she didn't feel capable of handling the situation then she probably needed to either not worry about him going outside and getting wet or go and talk to his mummy. She said something else about his terrible attitude and how disrespectful it was and I said to her that she was right, he is disrespectful but that is not necessarily his fault if he has not been trained by his parents and they both have attitude problems as well. I said that maybe it is not her role to correct the child for something that is not a problem to his parents, and that it would be better for her to address the parents. Then she said to me, "Well, what do you think my role is?" I was stumped and told her I would think about it, so now I am asking you. I would like to help my mother. She is still active and lively and teaching in our school. She comes home after school and barely ever takes a rest but is baby sitting, doing laundry and cleaning. She is the type of person who it is difficult to get to stop long enough to have a conversation with and this I think has made it hard for the children to form good bonds with her. My father passed away after 30yrs of marriage almost 20 years ago and she has also had children and grandchildren leave our faith. This has been heartbreaking for her. God bless you and thanks.