Attachment theory

I am quite aware that I have created all kinds of in-secure attachments in my children – when they were little I believed in co-sleeping and carrying them everywhere but I feel that I treated them so much as an extension of myself I never learned to connect with them as individuals apart from me.

I took on a new MLM business when my eldest was tiny for fear of financial hardship and I never really focused on learning to be a mother to connect or bond, and then I literally neglected her while answering messages and calls and all the while being praised by my team leaders for being an amazing mum.

I decided that the business was the problem so I quit 5 years ago but I realise that it doesn't matter what I take on I still need to be aware that I can become really disorganised in my planning, and that just by doing my own responsibilities and I don’t communicate very clearly with my children about expectations – I attempt to tell them I won’t be available eg. because I am doing exercise, but unless they are securely attached to a television screen they seem to be at a loss as to what to do with themselves and end up screaming at me or asking me for every little thing.

I never mastered bedtime routines or self care or communication, and now my eldest is 13 – she has a really avoidant and disorganised attachment – she screams at me when I go to wake her up in the morning and if anyone goes into her room or space her first response is to push people away either physically or verbally. The one good time we have is before bed. She's taken to asking to tuck me in – and we both enjoy it. But I see its a role reversal. Is that ok?

My little one age 5 is now asking for breast feeding after taking a long break – she's been a bit run down & I am grateful that I have the chance to hold her close and start to develop affectionate caring and touch. She was always funny about the breast even lining up to breast feed from friends who had babies and didn't seem to worry that it came from someone other than me. Is there something else I ought to do?

I feel like I am missing some attachment molecules. How do I build affection and attachment? How do I build trust when I am a spontaneous personality I do things at the spur of the moment? I thrive on variety, I thrive on a challenge that requires deep focus and I really wish my children would respond by being excited that I am working on my passion rather than wanting to attack me or each other for not being available.