3 year old – spanking, modified rule of 3, books versus course

Hi Nicholeen,

You’ve answered a couple questions on Reels, but I thought maybe you could answer them more fully here.

I have a very bright, loquacious, strong-willed 3 year old daughter (as well as an infant), and I’m struggling with a few things. I have read Parenting a House United and have watched/listened to many of your videos and podcast episodes.

To provide context, the bulk of the trouble comes in the afternoon when she is tired. We have a daily nap time, but many days she doesn’t actually fall asleep. Then the rest of the evening is a struggle. The more tired she is the more hyper she gets. She is not generally a hyper child; it is just the way she handles needing to sleep.

First, the chores don’t seem to be too big of a deterrent for her. Therefore, we have retained spanking (done in calmness) as a consequence for things such as acts of direct defiance. I’d love some wisdom on how to be able to make this system work without spanking, as of course I don’t like doing it, and I also understand that spanking doesn’t really allow her to accept the consequence or even to have to calm down. Here is an example of an instance where I cannot figure out how to use anything other than a spanking. A few weeks ago I told her it was time to leave the park, and she started running off in the opposite direction. She didn’t get more than a few steps away from me, but it scared me. I spanked her and took away her park privileges until she earned them back with a series of instances of good behavior in church, etc. I’ve told her that if she ever runs from me again it will automatically earn her a spanking. I don’t think saying it will automatically earn her a chore would make her think twice.

Secondly, could you address how to level down the Rule of Three for a small child? She doesn’t really have a lot of “privileges,” as she has very little screen time if any on a given day, her snacks are usually whatever she didn’t eat at the previous meal, etc.

Third, I was wondering if you have an idea of how long it should take for a child of this age to become reliably obedient using your system? That may not be an answerable question at all, but I’d love to hear your thoughts. I have noticed this system helping of course, but we are not there yet.

Additionally, I’m wondering if you could address the differences between the parenting course and the book? I’ve read the books Parenting a House United and Roles but have yet to take the course.