18 year old won’t accept guidance, correction, responsibility for actions

My 18 year old son is a wonderful young man. Unfortunately, he’s had a few traumas during his early teen years, loss of 2 grandparents. I didn’t know any better and because of his fragile mindset and self harming (he got help) I coddled him and didn’t want to ruffle his feathers. He would get very defensive, manipulative, overpowering if we tried to address anything. He’s gotten used to not hearing no. He’s very compliant but his heart isn’t in it, most of the time. It’s just compliance. When we address a tone of voice or attitude, or when we correct a disrespectful statement or action, he denies it, saying he didn’t think it was disrespectful. Or he will turn everything around and deflect saying “we forced him to get defensive” or made him feel a certain way. Husband and I are usually both present and both know he’s being manipulative. He can be very entitled and bold. I’m a recovering “fear of conflict” mom and he’s used to shutting me down quickly. We are only 3 weeks into our TSG journey. He will be 19 in November. How do I know what’s appropriate to expect of him, what’s no longer my business, how can I address the attitude, disrespect, belittling? Example “Hey buddy, that statement wasn’t very kind and the tone was as if I’m stupid.” He replies with “well your question made me feel like you thought I was stupid.”
(I asked “are you riding with dad to bowling tonight?”
He responded “(long pause looking at me) I never drive with dad. We always go separate.” With darn near an eye roll and awful tone in his voice. His excuses are pretty far fetched and 95% of the time he can’t own up to the attitude and tone. Lost! Thank you!