Fathers: Parent or Playmate?
(That’s Spencer in the middle with the kids)
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
“How do I get Dad to be an equal partner in the parenting? When he comes home, he only wants to play.” -Anonymous
Answer:
Before I answer this question, I want to say that on occasion I have had fathers voice the same frustrations about their wives, although this is generally not the case. If you are a father with the same frustrations, my answer should be able to be applied to you as well.
To answer questions, it is helpful to ask other questions. What does you home feel like when dad comes home? Is it a stressed environment? If it is, dad could think that some good fun might fix the problem. He could even think that his wife is grouchy and that his children probably need a break from the stress.
More than likely, the real problem is that dad has separated what he does from what you do. Is this separation wrong? No and yes.
Addressing No
No, this separation is not a problem, because his parental role is very different from mom’s role. We shouldn’t try to make everything equal. God didn’t make us equal and I am glad. Without individual strengths we wouldn’t have differences. And, without differences, our marital relationships wouldn’t make us stronger people.
Most dads spend the majority of their days working to provide for their families. After a whole day away from the people that he loves most, he wants to come home to fun and happiness. Is there anything wrong with this? No, it is natural for a parent who has been away for period of time, even an hour, to have expectations for their arrival home.
When I am at a meeting or away at a conference for a day, I find myself thinking while I am in my car on the way home, about the joy I will feel when I see my children. I can’t wait to pick them up and hug them and hear all about what they have done while I was away. When my husband and I come home from a date I envision all the fun we will have when we get there. Most parents crave this joyful atmosphere that home is supposed to be.
This is good. We should all strive to have joyful homes. Don’t ever lose sight of that vision and you will gradually draw closer to it.
Usually, fathers have less time with their children. And, contrary to popular opinion, quantity of time has more impact than quality time does in small bits. Whoever spends the most time with your child, whether it is friends, teachers, or you, will have the greatest influence on him.
Fathers’ lives and schedules push many hopes, for being that quantity of time influence, out the window. Although, I have seen many fathers try to correct this by going to work early or rearranging other schedules.
Steve and Janis
Steve and Janis, have eight incredible children. Janis teaches school to the children at home and Steve is a lawyer. By watching their family, I have noticed that their children are who they have become because mom is always there, teaching and loving them; and because dad goes to work at 4:00am, so that he can finish his workday and be home by 3:00 p.m. He is able to be with the children all afternoon because he rearranged his work hours. Then he is able to have more of that valuable quantity of time.
Candice and Jerry
Candice and Jerry have seven children. Jerry chose to start his own computer business so that he could stay home with his family. He stops working each day at 5:00 p.m. whether he is done with his work or not so that he can help make dinner, eat as a family and spend time with his wife and the children. After he has tucked his family in bed, he begins his night work until he is too tired to continue. He refuses to sacrifice his family time for work.
The Peck Family
Neither of these options work for our family, but we recognized the importance of dad’s presence in the home, so we have come up with a different way for Spencer to have additional time with the children.
Spencer owns his own plumbing business, so that he can have more flexibility for family time. In his business, there are slow times and there are times when business in ‘booming.’ When times are slow, he is home with us. He jumps into the home world. He finds things to teach the children. He reads to the children whenever he can. Even if it means reading them the book he is trying to get through for himself.
What does that teach the children? He is showing them that reading is good; that Dad has academic goals, and inspires them to have similar goals too. He shows his children that real men never stop learning; that he wants them to be able to get to a point where he can discuss hard books with them; that reading is play; and the Dad wants to share everything he does with them.
When business is ’booming,’ Spencer will stop by the house on his way to the parts store or a job and pick up one of the children to accompany him. The outing may only be for a short time, but he is unconsciously showing the children that they are more important to him than work.
When my oldest son turned 10, Spencer started taking him to work every Wednesday as his apprentice. He felt, based on his mentor sessions, that Quin had a desire and was mature enough to start learning the plumbing trade. He also sings barbershop with Quin for at least six hours a week.
Because of these experiences, my now 11 year old already has a solid vision of what it means to be a man. Going to work with Dad and being in a nationally renowned barbershop chorus with incredibly focused, inspiring men has caused my son to tackle big projects and set life goals for himself. He knows his life has purpose at age 11.
Addressing Yes
We have just made a pretty good argument for Dad’s to parent differently and have different experiences with their children. However, having a different God given role doesn’t mean that Dad should feel separated from the flow of the home. In fact, it is important that Dad should view himself as a co-president of the family business. Families should be run just as effectively as a business, with principles, mission, and acknowledgment of the different roles of board members. If each president is working toward a different thing, then the family business will be divided and fall apart. There is a difference between principle and practice. Both parents must endorse the same principles even if the practice of teaching those principles may vary from time to time.
Let’s talk about the partnership. I know a man who runs a heating and air conditioning business with a partner. They are equal partners benefit wise, but they have different responsibilities. My friend actually does the heating etc. and organizes the work crews. His partner, on the other hand, takes care of all the paperwork, invoices, advertising etc. Who is more valuable? Neither one, they are different, but equal.
Parenting is the same. The job descriptions may look different, but they are both equally valuable to running the home. However, similarly to an efficient business, each partner must be working toward a common goal, and support the other’s expertise.
Ok parents, here is your warning. Don’t compare workloads! It’s a slippery slope to walk on. These comparisons show lack of respect for your spouse and strain your relationship. If this relationship isn’t strong, the whole family weakens. Your children also perceive that relationships are about comparing and being better, rather than supporting and loving. Even worse, some children feel a need to pick a side. Whether they tell you they picked a side or not, they will. Then your child that sees everything as black and white will have a negative opinion of your spouse. I don’t know any parent that would want their child to hate his or her mother or father. Be careful! Think about what you say.
Why do fathers feel a separation from home life?
What can mothers do to give fathers more ownership of home life?
When the father is away from home most of the time he has to turn over the role of running the home to the mother. This relinquishing of power by the father increases the power of the mother. The mother becomes the home and schedule organizer – the home doctor and nutrition specialist – the teacher – the money mover – the law- and the social contact person for the home.
Many dads can look at that job description and think that everything is taken care of at home. He is free to assume that his only responsibilities lie outside the home. And, that means home is only meant to rejuvenate Dad and make him feel loved.
These two things are really important for all family members, but mom could find herself not getting rejuvenated or loved if Dad doesn’t see his wife’s need for him to help with the home responsibilities when he is there. This is the beginning of much frustration and resentment in the marriage relationship.
About a year after Spencer and I got married, we had a discussion about having children. I told him that I planned on quitting my high-power/high-pay job to stay at home with our future children, when they came. He gave me the strangest look. Something like, “What! Are you crazy?” Then he said something that has had lasting impression on me. “Why? All of the women I know work and have children.”
I was shocked. How could we have courted, and been married this long and not be on the ‘same page’ about our future family? Our religion, which we shared, even suggests women rear their own children. It was clear that the social norms had penetrated the core of my husband.
We obviously had a long talk about what God intended our children to be reared like and the possible repercussions of me not doing what I felt I had been called to do in my home.
Spencer came ‘on board’ with my family vision, but there was still one more thing I could sense from him. I made more money than he did, so if I quit working, providing for our family alone would put a lot of pressure on him. Then it hit me. I owned EVERYTHING in our relationship. He was just following my lead; if it was convenient.
Shortly after this beginning conversation to the structure of our family I found out that we were expecting our first baby. When the baby came I cut my work load to two afternoons a week. This was not the goal, but it was a transition. During this time, I assured my husband that he could be a sole provider for our family. God trusted him and so did I. My pay slowly decreased and my husband’s pay increased, because he changed jobs. Soon OUR vision of keeping me at home with the children was realized. Spencer was a more happy complete man. I was able to see what he really needed through the rhetoric of what he wanted. He needed to ‘own’ his provider position even though he felt he wanted me to keep making money, so life would be easier; more comfortable.
By the way, I also let him ‘own’ most of the yard care. Wasn’t that kind of me? Yikes, when I think how powerful I was in our relationship it makes me sick. Was I his wife or his mother? I was still so controlling. I kept complete control of the finances as well. I knew that I was more disciplined, so I ran the money and paid the bills. I did this for nine years of marriage.
When Spencer decided to start his own plumbing business, I didn’t think he had the smarts and the initiative to make it work. –Sorry Honey—I wasn’t all the way ready for the risk. Thankfully, he did it anyway and I wasn’t holding his hand. At this time, I also decided to give him all the money management concerns. I figured that if he was going to keep us afloat, he needed to be better acquainted with what it took. Finally he ‘owned’ all family financial responsibility. I was free of some of my control issues, and he was free to be a provider and a man.
My point in telling this story about our family beginnings is to illustrate the unity that happens when one partner decides to give some of what they ‘own’ away to the other. If Spencer owns it, he is dedicated to it, and I am the same. So, if I only tell him what to do and don’t let him ‘own’ anything, then I am making life harder for myself and him.
Go ahead mothers, give him ownership of his own manhood.
How do you give away parenting? Isn’t this something that moms have to keep too? Yes, but aren’t there multiple jobs and lessons to teach associated with parenting? There is the overall organization, building good character, disciplining, teaching, counseling, and the list goes on and on. Every week, or day, there is some new area of focus added to the list.
How does Mom decide what to give Dad to ‘own’? She doesn’t. Instead, she opens a dialog with Dad.
Step #1– Ask him
Ask him what he wants. He wants certain things to happen at home, but he might not say so because he doesn’t want to overload you.
My husband is a neat and tidy sort of a person. There was a time when our family was living out of laundry baskets instead of closets and drawers, because I just wasn’t able to stay on top of the laundry like I would have liked to. Spencer put up with the laundry problem for a long while before he did something that completely changed the laundry situation in our home.
One Sunday afternoon during our family meeting, Spencer suggested the topic of having a set time for the laundry to be done and put away. I didn’t make any comments, because I didn’t want to get involved in his problem solving. After a short explanation of the problem and the effect it had on our home, he said that he would make sure that all of the laundry was done by Monday morning if everyone in the house would add laundry put away to their Monday job list. We all voted and Dad’s idea was accepted. Since this proposal was his idea, he is dedicated to it. Every weekend Spencer does laundry so that by Monday morning all the laundry in the house is clean and ready to be put away during Monday chores.
A laundry system was something that my husband wanted, so he was willing to initiate a family change. There are many other things that my husband wants, but he doesn’t always say, because he doesn’t want to offend me, so I have decided to try to open dialog with my husband about his desires and concerns. In years past I tried only paying attention to my own concerns; I went about my business, and he went about his. This selfish relationship system only led to pain and frustration in our marriage.
Figuring out what someone wants is the first step for helping them have ownership of their thoughts and actions. Problem solving in relationships requires discerning what the person really wants in order to see what is needed to inspire change in the person.
I really wanted my husband to want to lead our weekly mentor sessions, couples meeting, and our family meeting, because I knew that if I could have him own those meetings then he would see himself as the person in charge of making the family run effectively. If he initiated the meetings then I wouldn’t be fighting his ‘play-play’ attitude when it was time to put the kids to bed any more, among other things that were family structure problems, because he was in charge of our family structure.
For years Spencer was quite dedicated to family meetings and mentor sessions, but he had a hard time wanting to have couple’s meetings. I really wanted couple’s meeting, because I knew it would add so much strength to our home’s structure. His reluctance frustrated me. I decided to show him how great a couple’s meeting could be.
It was a Saturday afternoon. Spencer had been trying to keep the children focused on their chores. He was frustrated. He sat down on the couch and gave a big sigh.
From the sink I asked him, “What do you want?”
“What do you mean by that?” he questioned. “That’s a pretty broad question.”
I gave more insight by asking, “What do you want organizationally for our family?”
He responded with, “Well, right now I just want our children to do their chores. They are just not motivated. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Well, you have been motivating with fear lately. And, fear is an effective human motivator, but it is only temporary. Instead of using fear, use instructions and vision. Remember they do know the steps to following instructions. About vision. If they catch the vision of the work, then they will follow through with the chores.” I said.
“How do I give them vision?”
“If, as parents we went to bed on time and woke up on time we would be more organized. Then, when it becomes time to work, we can work with them. If we work along side the children, they will see the vision of work. They will see a job well done, because we will be showing them how to do good work. The best thing is that if we work with the children, we can praise them more; and praise equals motivation. When we are leaving them alone to work, then we only tell them when they are off task. If we work with them, we can encourage them the whole time during the chore.” He completely agreed, and we decided on a plan that would solve our problem.
I then said, “Honey, if we discuss like this on a regular basis in couple’s meeting, then we can both get more of the things we want in the family. He was finally sold on couple’s meetings. He had to see our communication really work first.
I have rules for myself to help my husband maintain ownership of this meeting.
1. Don’t say too much
2. Give him equal time
3. Let or encourage him to be in charge
4. Suggest things in a non-confrontational way
By just asking my husband what he wants I am able to better steer the family toward my vision. Both husband and wife must have open dialog about what they want in life to have a connected atmosphere at home.
#2 – Give him vision
In the above experience I showed him that planned communication worked. Then I made a non-threatening observation. He saw that if we met and talked regularly, he could get more of what he wanted. Life would be better. It is also important to note that I spoke to him about what he wanted at a time when he would be open to new vision. If I would have asked right after a frustrating time of trying to get all the kids in bed, he would have thought I was trying to tell him what to do again.
I had to have patience. After praying for the right time to present itself, the only thing I could do was wait. I waited until we were comfortably and casually just talking together as husband and wife. By waiting for this intimate time to talk to him, I silently communicate to him that I really want to know what I can do as the person who loves him, to serve him and make him happy. In my case, it was helpful to also say a silent prayer for the right tone to come across. I have noticed with myself, that there are times when I give someone an impression that I didn’t mean to give because either my voice tone is off or the setting I chose to say something was not the appropriate setting and so I am misunderstood.
For instance, my husband’s work hours are unpredictable, to say the least. So, sometimes there are days in a row when I don’t even really see him. One time after such a time my husband came home from work early. He just happen to come home during a time when my foster children and babies had given me an especially trying day. When my husband who had been gone from his family for days came through the door, I said, “Well, we finally get to see you huh?”
He obviously had hopes of what his long awaited entry would be, and that was not it, because at that he got on the defensive and retorted, “Well, someone’s got to make the money.”
Of course I was too proud to say that I was sorry, so the rest of that night together we were silent; holding anger in our hearts. I found myself wondering that night, “How did this happen? How did I allow myself to start an argument when I didn’t even want one?”
My unchecked voice tone dashed his dreams of a happy reunion with his wife and family. It was not my intention to ruin anyone’s day, but I did. Because of this story and many other instances like it, I have learned that a quick silent prayer for the spirit to guide my voice tone is essential when trying to inspire any kind of change. Don’t forget the prayer.
Vision is essentially a picture in your mind or heart; probably both. In order to transfer vision your audience must be able to see. There are only three ways that I know of to get vision. The first is gained because you are searching for it through study and prayer. The second occurs when you are part of an inspiring experience; you actually see or participate in something new and achievable. The third and most common way to get vision starts as a feeling. This feeling comes from an inspiring story; either heard or read. The listener or reader allows himself to become emotionally attached to the story, and is changed or sees things differently because of it.
The second and third methods of finding vision are the only two which can be transferred from one person to another, because the first must be initiated by the receiver. By asking a question and having an effective conversation, I used the second method. My husband was able to see how our effective communication would help him and the whole home.
A story told of another home which either has effective communication or doesn’t can also work to inspire vision. I often use stories to inspire vision in my children.
#3 – Trust
This is the part that some of us who have a controlling ‘red’ personality have a hard time doing. Our spouses will never reach their parenting greatness with us nagging at them all the time. We have to let them fall down some times and get scrapes. We have to let them disappoint people, and make mistakes. Then they will choose leadership for themselves.
The best thing we can do is inspire them with the help of God and trust in the process of learning. I have found with my husband that if I step back, he will step forward. And when he steps forward he becomes more dedicated than I thought possible.
For years I have nagged my husband to eat healthy. Did he listen to my nagging? No. He did just the opposite. Recently he had a test done. The results of the test indicated that he could die if he doesn’t make some changes in his diet. When I found out the results, I said nothing. He has now chosen for himself a healthier diet, and he is religiously sticking to it. He is even going so far to impose the diet on the rest of the family so that they don’t end up with the same health problems he has. I wonder if he would be so dedicated if I chose to nag him about eating right all of the time?
Conclusion
Husbands and wives are different. They relate to people differently and that is a good thing! We shouldn’t go about trying to make our spouses into ourselves. We should love and appreciate their differences. That said, parents should try to be complimentary to each other and consistent in the eyes of the children. Also, parents should try to keep the language of correction etc. predictable and easy to understand so that children are not anxious or confused.
Opening dialogs with each other, having a shared vision, and trusting in the goodness and progression of each other will foster a stronger marriage relationship. Additionally, each person in the marriage relationship will feel that it is safe to make changes and that they are free to practice their individual roles in the family the way they feel is best.
So, do parents need to choose between parent or playmate? No, they just need to be good judges of situations. My father used to always say, “There is a time and a place for everything. But, this is neither the time nor the place.” It might be a good idea for mothers and fathers to deliberately discuss what the best time and place for play time and silly time is. Then no one will resent it.
There Is Much Much More To Learn about working as a couple and about teaching children Self-Government skills.
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