Teaching Self-Government in Marriage

I was introduced to your program at a conference last year & fell in love with it. It’s for adults as well as kids! Would you be able to offer me some advise on how a husband might use this to help his wife? My son has been married for 3 years to a lovely girl. In these last 3 years he as discovered that she has very little ability to motivate herself to do much of anything.

She grew up with divorced parents who didn’t pay much attention to raising her. She was never given any chores to do as a child, nor required to do school work or be accountable for anything. So she has few life skills & no motivation to develop them. She admits that she needs to start learning, but can’t get herself to do much of anything. She can hold a job & has a church calling, but won’t clean, do laundry or grocery shop by herself. Nor will she make her own doctor’s appointments or handle other responsibilities of day to day living – paying bills, renewing her medication prescriptions, making doctor’s appointments.

Do you have any suggestions as to how my son could implement or adapt your “teaching self-government” techniques in their lives?

To answer your question is: yes, you can use this system to help a marriage too. Use praise a lot, make a family vision, Have all three family meetings; couples, family, and mentor meetings for her and him to set goals with each other and try to improve. He has to bring his faults to her and ask her for her advice and then ask her how he can help her too.

Praise and respect is so important. He can’t correct her like a child, but he can speak to her like a correction. He can say, “just now I noticed we forgot to do the dishes yesterday. We really need to get the dishes done right after meals. Will you help me do them now and then make a goal to do them with me every time right after dinner?”

He needs to get out of the I/You mindset, because that is judgemental, and move into the WE mindset. He needs to nurture her and lead her by the hand not from the mouth. It will be hard, but as confidence builds, she will slowly lose her skills gap which is getting in her way of a productive life.

Some wives find themselves in these same circumstances, and the same advice applies.