Making Toddler Store Time Happy
Mommy’s “Said Okay” Song
Have you ever been in the store and heard a small child ask their parent for a candy bar, or a toy? Most resonable parents don’t go around buying everything their child asks for, so the parent usually says, “No, not today.” For many children an answer like this causes crying, whinning, pouting, yelling and many other childhood outbursts.
My kind of parenting is called, Teaching Self-Government. We focus on teaching our children how to control their emotional responses so that they can be more happy. No one is happy having a tantrum. One of the four basic skills I teach my children is accepting “No” answers. To accept a “No” answer you look at the person, keep a calm voice, face, and body, say okay and drop the subject.
My children love to say okay to “No” answers. When they are babies I teach them the word okay as one of their first words. Whenever my small children say okay to “No” answers I sing a funny little praise song which lets them know they have done a good thing. I sing, “Porter said okaaay, Porter said okaaay. Okaaay, okaaay, Porter said okaaay.” Then they giggle and smile.
They love to accept “No” answers. My children have all loved to accept “No” answers at the store the very most.
When we go to the store, they ask for something, like candy, and I say, “I’m going to give you a “No” answer. No, we are not buying candy today.” Then the small child does the steps to accepting a “No” answer and says okay. Then I have to do my funny song in the middle of the store. They love it! And of course after one child gets the song for a “No” answer, then the other little child has to ask for something too and hope for a “No” answer. Have fun. “No” answers can make a great shopping game.
I suppose the goal is to recognize that lots of no’s can be hard on a kid and to make it fun, right? Whatever that looks like for both you and the child/children? For me, I can see that varying no songs and other techniques may be in order for this type of situation.
My ideas:
“This is the no that never ends. It just goes on and on my friend. Somebody asked the question, not knowing how it was, and it just keeps on going forever for because . . . (repeat).” (sorry, can’t share the tune)
Or explaining briefly why not then playing the game: pretending to buy it and pretending to own it.
Good comment! The real point to my silly song, it to praise the child for choosing respect in a way that feels special.
Life is full of no answers, but if a person sees that good comes from accepting parent’s no answers then they will be more motivated to choose happiness by saying OK when a parent gives any instruction or no answer.
Nicholeen
I think that this is an excellent idea. I struggle with this in my home. My 6 year old son loves to argue and try to negotiate my no’s so that I’ll change my mind. Obviuosly it has worked in the past or he wouldn’t try it all the time. It’s really trying on the harmony of our home.
I also wanted to say the I’ve enjoyed reading this website. When I watched the World’s Stricktest Parents video the teenagers in your home reminded me alot of how I was when I was a teenager and it was interesting to see how being in a different family environment changed them. I was brought up in a non-LDS home by a single mother and there were no rules. Now I’m trying to raise my children in an LDS home and homeschool them, without having any paretenting skills taught to me. I’m confused on how to parent and I’m not consistant in my parenting. I’ve read many parenting books and they all contradict themselves and I put them down feeling totally confused. After seeing you’re family I felt, “this is what I want, tell me how to do it”.
I just think you need to be careful with the power of being a parent and saying, “no”. A child is so powerless and this can be frustrating, especially when you are trained to calmly accept whatever your parent dictates. I know that my own daughters have taught me a lot and sometimes I was wrong to say no. One daughter learned that if she spoke calmly and was in control, she could reason with me about an issue and sometimes change my mind. I think that is healthy. I didn’t always do what she wanted because she was negotiating with me calmly, but it always helped to listen to her. She needed to be validated, to have me hear her point of view.
Tina,
I suppose I gave you the wrong impression. I don’t always say no to everything. However, when I do, my children know they need to say “Okay” or ask to disagree appropriately. What you are talking about is what I call Disagreeing apporpriately. This is very good skill for all people to learn. I wish all adults knew how to do this skill.
Thanks for the great reminder that teaching calm communication is always best!
Warmly,
Nicholeen