“I just wanted to let you know how very much I enjoyed your classes at LDSEHE at Virginia Beach.  Attending your classes, I felt your method was something that could really benefit our family.”"Today we sat down and talked about our 20 year vision. Then we talked about having really fun family home evenings and no one loosing the privilege of the planned family home evening activity. They all thought that would be great. We talked about changing hearts rather than changing just behaviors and they really liked the role play of following instructions, accepting no answers, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately.” ”My one question is how to get my 13 year old “on board”. He wouldn’t come in for our family meeting and he said he refused to do any of this new stuff.  My husband and I who are often on the different side of each parenting issue but the my husband and I decided that if the kids comply with no video games, computer games or movies during the week that they could have a 2 hour media block on Friday nights and up to 4 hours on Saturdays (yes I disagree this is too much, but I am trying to compromise with my husband who really enjoys the time with the boys especially).  I told the kids the only way they could loose the media time was if they watched it during the week. In the past they lost it for any type of bad behavior and it just didn’t’ work, so I thought I would make it a standing family time with dad and the only time they could loose it is if they broke the rule and did media time during the week. Is this the wrong way to handle it?”"So anyway our 13 year old said he would not follow the rule of no media during the week and he would do what he wants. How do I get him on board?”

It sounds like you are all off to a great start.  I think your idea of specific blocks of time for media is great.  That is the best way to control the media instead of have it control you. 

About your 13 year old.  I don’t know his specific behaviors, but what you are describing to me sounds like defiant behavior.  Defiant behavior is selfish behavior.  If he is unwilling to follow instructions, then he is telling you that he doesn’t respect you and that he is “out of instructional control.”  He is also telling you that he doesn’t see a reason to accept your authority or follow your instructions. 

At this time, I would use the rule of three.  Make sure you have taught the family what it is first.  Remember, he has to be ready to follow instructions before his 24 hours starts. 

Did you present your new system as optional?  If so, you will probably want to recant that.  If not, then he is trying to initiate a power struggle with you, so you need to take his focus away from himself. 

When I notice that my children are defiant, rude, or disconnected from the family mission, I know that it is time to free my child from selfishness.  Radio, CDs, TV, comp games, friend time, sitting alone in room, etc all feed SELF in a person.  That means that these things have got to go and be replaced with Cool family fun and relationship building.  Go camping for a long time. 

The primary focus for everyone in the family should be family, not self.  If self is the focus, then it’s time to bring things back into focus.  I would have a counseling session with him.  (teaching style number 5)  In this counseling session, I would ask him what he wants you as his parents to do for him.  Ask him what he would like life to look like and feel like at home.  Listen to what he has to say.  Really listen.  He will tell you exactly what he needs.  He will probably say things like he wants to be left alone, or he wants to watch TV whenever he wants, etc.  Remeber Janet’s Junk Food Pinciple.

After listening, I would thank him for sharing his thoughts with you.  Remember that some of what he shares will be manipulative and possibly even a power struggle.  After thanking him I would say, “I would like you to be happy and have what you want.  Did you know that if you followed all the instructions we gave you, and said OK to no answers and consequences, and disagreed appropriately then we would probably give you what you want all the time, unless God told us it could hurt you?  Did you know that?  That is all it takes to have what you want.  Put it to the test and see if after you have proven that you think more of your family than yourself that you don’t get most all the things you want.” 

I would explain to him that once I could see that he loved and cared for his family, and knew how to control his own behaviors, he would get to a point of complete trust and probably would hardly ever get no answers.  But until I could see this kind of self mastery, I would know that he is not ready to be given the freedom he desires. 

He will probably try to convince you that if you give him what he wants he will follow instructions etc.  Don’t be fooled.  That never happens.  It is a lie and a game to maintain his comfort zone, called selfish behavior.  Explain to him that when you have a job, you never get paid before you go to work, you only get paid after you have proven that you have done the work.  The money earned at work is a privilege, just like privileges at home. 

When I was 14 I didn’t get along with my parents at all.  We were constantly having a power struggle.  A neighbor said to me, “Nicholeen, have you ever tried just doing what they say?”  I was silent. ”I bet that if you do everything your parents say, you will be allowed to do whatever you want to.  Why don’t you just try it.”  I took her up on the test.  She was 100% right.  All of the sudden I went from the child that was hated to the child that was loved and trusted.  I loved home and family again.  I even decided that I loved doing what my parents asked me to do as well, because serving them brought me such happiness.  It is funny that I didn’t already know this, but I didn’t.  I can pretty much guarantee that you son doesn’t know this either.  Tell him and have him try it.  Then show him that governing himself earns trust and privileges.   

I would also explain to your husband that the TV is controlling your son, and that you recommend removing the TV etc from the family until you both can see that the family is no longer in bondage to the electronics.  This means, take it out of your house if you have to.  Then people can’t seek tube time.  No one wants their family to be in bondage, but countless people mindlessly choose bondage daily, just because it is comfortable.  After everyone is free and thinking for themselves again, then introduce the TV, etc back to the family and resume your planned viewing times. 

Since I don’t know your son, I have to throw out something else I have learned over the years.  There is normal detachment from family at about age 12-15, and then there is abnormal detachment.  Normal detachment is like all of the sudden wanting to wear different shoes than the entire family or seeming put out about family responsibilities sometimes etc.  Each child is different. 

Abnormal detachment from family is most easily noticed by an empty, dark feeling that surrounds the child, it can also look like never talking to parents, always wanting to stay home alone, drastic mood or appearance changes, etc.  Again, it depends.  These abnormal behaviors are often signs of something deeper that needs to be pinpointed and handled.  Some of my youth with these problems had drug problems, pornography or sexual problems, dishonesty problems, etc.  

Disclaimer:  As always.  I am basing my suggestions off of my experiences with troubled youth.  Without actually meeting your child, it is hard to know for sure what suggestions are needed.  Please use the Spirit as your guide.   

Blessings,

Nicholeen